Friday, December 29, 2006

Bustin Caps In That Ass

The Other Half went to the gun shop the other day.

For some reason he wants to buy a gun...I told him HE can't get one until I get one.
Shit, I refuse to let him have an advantage over me.

We joked that, one night, maybe we could have a shoot-out in the hallway..Oh, Good Times

Food Porn - Yet ANOTHER Victim


We have a new guy in our pod bay. He's flippin' hilarious.

Yesterday the new guy sat down at his desk to eat his breakfast..Belly IMMEDIATELY noticed and of course, made a comment:

Belly: Hey, I see ya got some Chik-Fil-A there
New Guy: Uh yeah, I do

A few moments of silence pass and New Guy starts to eat.....

Belly: Oooo, is that one of those breakfast sandwiches they got? That's looks REAL good! Wow!!Mmm Hmm..blah blah blah (imagine his wide-eyed, eager expression)
New Guy: (with a "what the fuck is going on" look on his face) Uh yeah, what of it??
Me: Oh, New Guy, let me explain, Belly has a Food Porn addiction
New Guy: Huh??
Belly: (Man-Giggling uncontrollably but at the same time looking VERY embarrassed)
Me: Yeah, he likes to stare at people's food for some reason
New Guy: (Now giving ME the "WTF" look) Really??...Well, what's that about?
Me: (Shrugging and thinking to myself: Because he's a Fat Bastard) Who knows..he just says that he enjoys the "look of a good meal"
New Guy: Uh, ok..I think

New Guy then turned back to his desk and uncomfortably ate his breakfast.
Belly just sat there with a stupid grin on his face and after we ignored him for some time he turned his dumb ass around and got back to work.

Today New Guy says to me: "What the HELL was that all about??"
I tried to explain it to him but even I felt stupid after a while..finally I ended it with "Hell, he's just a weird motherfucker"
New Guy agreed and said: "Well Hungry Smitty needs to back off"...the way he said was like HOWNNNGREE..heeelarious

HUNGRY SMITTY??? I laughed myself sick on that one but we agreed to keep that name between us (and all of Blogosphere)..for now.

I think I may have a new partner in crime....{Insert Evil laugh here}

Thursday, December 28, 2006


I forgot to mention that I worked at my OTHER part time job this weekend too.
I was SUPPOSED to be the cashier at the nightclub but lately they’ve had me doing “other” things. This time I was supposed to use a blacklight to make sure that no counterfeit tickets came through the door…yeah, boring, and stupid since they NEVER gave me a blacklight and no one EVER handed me a ticket.

Sunday’s event was for Teddy Afro. He’s like the Michael Jackson of Ethiopian Reggae from what I hear..just like the last show I worked, the crowd went complete bat-shit when he came out on stage.
His opening act, Abdu Kiar came out two separate times for some reason.

The promoter had his own cashiers (4 of them???) and his own ticket takers so I basically just sat on a barstool and talked shit…I’m just SO good at that.

Ok, I’m about to offend a whole ethnic group……While they are absoulutely GORGEOUS people, Ethiopian people smell “different”. I’m sure they thought I smelled like ass crack too but..whatever.

They dress a little “different” too. It’s almost like they can’t pair decades and/or seasons and colors correctly.

For instance:

A Summer dress with leather ankle

A BRIGHT orange and black top with royal purple pants..that are highwaters..tsk tsk tsk

I guess these are technically “my people” and I shouldn’t make fun of them but, DAMN, they make it hard not to!

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

He's Dead Before Sundown....

There I was..minding my own damn business and here comes Belly's retarded ass....

Belly: Hey, hey...hey you ( he is such a stupid ass)
Me: What
Belly: You don't have to do the "click-down" for me...I'm friendly fire
Me: (thinking) What in the fucking hell are you talking about?
Me: (out loud) What do you mean?
Belly: Your blog, I saw you minimize a screen earlier when I looked over and I figured it was your blog
Me: What are you talking about..I haven't been on my blog in weeks. I was looking at urban dictionary (you stupid fucking asshole)
Belly: Oh, I was just saying..ummm, cuz I know I may have said something to you before but, hey, that's your thing, umm, err, uhhh. I don't know, uh I'm your buddy in this situation..hee hee, uhhh
Me: (giving him the "whatever, stupid" I'm not sure what you saw..I've been looking at the urban dictionary for like, hours.
Belly: Oh, ok, I'm sorry, my bad, uhh, umm

Then he sat his sad, stupid ass down, looking all embarassed.

I am REALLY sick of his snooping ass. His glasses are stupid thick, I guess taht's how he's able to see all the way over here with his Super Duper X-Ray vision.

Freakin' Damn Christmas...

I need a vacation from my vacation.....

I got off of work early to go Christmas shopping because I seemingly like to smoke crack in my sleep.
The mall was "straight stupid" by the time I got there at 1pm...I nearly got run over in the parking lot by an SUV/soccer mom..(and you know how I feel about the SUV/soccer moms). I should have keyed her shit but I had to get to Lane Bryant.

I kicked LB in the teeth and only spent $65..most of it was for myself...what? I figure if ya can't treat yourself then who CAN you treat???? Anyway, they had $45 purses in there for $5.95, I bought 4 of them. Hell,I figure that's what it cost to make them so I did pretty well.

I then made the mistake of going into Claire's..bad move. The store is about 14 square feet of shiny bullshit, add to that about 57 people all going for the same earrings and you've got a mess on your hands. I finally made it out of there alive and decided to wander in to Bloomingdales..after looking at a $90 Ralph Lauren baby sweater, I wandered my ass right back out.

Then, because I hadn't been tortured enough, I decided to go to Wal-Mart...yeah, I know.
I picked up all the gifts for the "old guys" in my life. Socks, pajamas etc...Of course I could not leave without that $11 jean jacket for myself..what? It was on clearance and it has brass accents for god's sake!!

Worked my part-time job..cause I'm stupid.
Michael Vick came in to get his free shoes and clothes per his Nike deal.
Isn't it funny that once you get rich, everything is FREE!!??!!
Anyway..he was stuck up, as usual...ok maybe I'm being mean, maybe he's just shy..whatever.

We sat around most of the day watching cooking shows. The Other Half made Nigella's Chicken and Sausage Bake. It was pretty damn good, I don't like italian sausage though...picky, picky, picky.
I made a Nilla Banana Pudding for a party we were going to on Christmas. Yes, I made the recipe from scratch dammit!! I tried it once with instant pudding and it just wasn't the same.
Look at this recipe from a Blog called The Noisy Kitchen - freaking hilarious

Woo Hoo it's Christmas dammmit!!! Me and TOH made our own ghetto version of a Honeybaked Ham for our friend's party..damn tasty, we used pineapple rum in the glaze with lots of brown sugar and some dried mustard..we are such chefs.

Our first trip was to my step-cousin's (I think) house. Really nice house, just out in the middle of east Egypt. They only paid $160,000 for it two years ago..of course the townhouses across the street from my apartment start in the high $300,000s..bastards.
I got one of those huge, fluffy robe/house dress things from my Step Grandma..I freakin LOVE it more than words can express..mmmm toasty.

They made a spinach and cheese quiche for brunch..I shouldn't have eaten so much of it..damn my stomach hurts and I refuse to poop at other people's houses (Remember "Shit Break" from American Pie??).

Next/Last Stop - We're finally at the Christmas Party..damn, that's a lot of food over there. As if I wasn't already sick, I ate more food..this must be what Belly feels like..mindless eating for no reason.
Ok, throw the "shit comment" that I made earlier out the window...I couldn't take it anymore, I HAD to go. Luckily we were at my pregnant friend's house and she actually invites you to shit at her house..she likes for people to be comfortable..uh, ok.

We were having a pretty good time over there until my pregnant friend's husband (who happened to be blazing drunk by the time we got there) started to watch the Cowboys game...he acts as if he plays for the damn team or something. At one point he got so pissed off that he threw the remote at the wall!
My poor Mom was there and she was so embarrassed. I wanted to kill his ass after the first 50 "F-bombs" he dropped in front of her and then TOH was ready to know it's serious when even HE gets mad.

Well, party ruined, time to go home.

I was so tired that I went STRAIGHT to bed...and in the amazing way that he has perfected, TOH was asleep AND snoring loudly before my head hit the pillow...I feel like choking him sometimes.

Just when I was in that real good, peaceful dreaming like sleep, the damn phone rings....I'm thinking somebody BETTER be dead or at least bleeding severely.
I looked over at the Caller-ID and it's one of TOH's friends from his hometown...I knew that if I picked it up, somebody's feelings would be hurt so I let it ring...damn it all to hell, now I'm awake..and so is TOH..we're both pissed and I dare him to call that bastard back..he never did. I tossed and turned until 2am and TOH fell asleep watching tv in the front room...we were NOT happy campers the next morning as you can imagine.

People can be so damn rude.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006


Ok..After some urging from another co-worker (who witnessed the cookies LAST WEEK), I tried to throw the cookies away and I slow motion..this asshole (Belly) screams and reaches..
NOOOOOOOO!!! Don't throw THEM away....I'll eat em!!!!!!

I was soooo embarrassed for him

You greedy son of a BITCH!!!!!


OK, Like I said before, it's busy around here early in the week so I don't have much time to blog so I'll tell you about my christmas weekend a little later..

I HAD to let somebody know about the beat down Belly is giving these christmas cookies over here (Wait, That sounded kinda dirty..Yeckkkk)

Anyway, LAST FRIDAY, one of our supervisors brought a box of decorated christmas cookies. We opened them..kinda ate a few and forgot about them SITTING ON A DESK, IN THE WIDE OPEN FOR 4 DAYS!!!!. Belly discovered them this morning and has been at them, non-stop for 4 hours.
You can hear him on the phone attempting to tuck one into his fat cheeks while giving people technical instructions..people keep asking him to repeat himself..think he'd get the hint?? NOPE!!
I explained that the cookies were sitting out in the open for days and he just shrugged and said: "I guess I'll roll the dice on this one....these cookies are damn GOOD!!" and he continued to eat them...ewww, you nasty, fat bastard.

I'm thinking of waiting until the end of my day, walking over to them and just CHUCKING them in the garbage...right in front of him...he works the late shift..pretty much all alone....he would be sooooo pissed but it would be sooooo funny.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Nasty Heffas

I just had to tell SOMEbody about the nasty bitches I work with......

I'm pretty sure that we have either:

A: Hermaphrodites


B: Transvestites

that are using the ladies room in our is that piss gets ON THE BACK OF THE TOILET SEAT????


Is it REALLY physically possible to cantilever one's big ass THAT far back???
And another thing: Are you in SUCH a hurry to leave that you can't LOOK BEHIND YOU when you flush.....

Just. Nasty.

This Has GOT To Stop!!

Okay, remember my post about Christmas Sweaters???

Well today I overheard two Sweater Wearing Broads in the hallway......

1st SWB: Hey!! It's good to see you!
2nd SWB: Hi! I was starting to think you weren't going to wear one this season!
1st SWB: (Incoherent babble) I know!! I was worried you'd think that...Blah Blah..Found it the closet the other day...Blah Blah

You should have seen the look on my face..what the fuck is this? "Sweater Peer Pressure"??
It'll be hard to do but I'll try to explain what these chicks were wearing:

SWB #1 had on this red knit thing with little sparkly presents all over it with...*GASP-..A GOD DAMNED FEATHER BOA thing around the neck!! (Look at this article and laugh your ass off please)

SWB #2 was tame by comparison. Hers was bright green with sparkly tinsel threads and 12 inch tall snow-people-scarecrow looking appliques circling the perimeter...

I'm sure they thought I was admiring their sweaters by the way I was staring....So Sad.

Here are so more examples for your viewing pleasure..these damn things cost about $125!!!!

An article titled "Xmas Party Stylin" in the December issue of Men's Health states:

"It's a fine line between festive and foolish". "While garish outfits might get you some punch-bowl-driven laughs, preserve your reputation as a class act by avoiding sweaters with reindeer or snowflakes, ties that could double as wrapping paper and any combination of red and green."
So the fashion gurus have spoken. And the stores beckon. And the rest is up to you.

OH MY DREIDEL!!...They even have THESE:

Ok, I admit, this is kinda cute

Oh Sweet Gluttony.....

This morning, Belly decided to treat us all with bagels from Panera Bread - He brought his "favorite ones" - The Cinnamon Crunch kind...granted, they are pretty damn good (Damn, 410 calories EACH) but he took it to a WHOLE 'NOTHER LEVEL:

As usual, he came bounding down the aisle (the floor literally shaking the whole time) but today he had this glazed look in his eyes and he was breathing all heavy (what's new?)

Belly: (all wispy sounding) They're HOT!!!
Me: ('cuz I'm a smartass) What? They're STOLEN??
Belly: No, I mean they're right out of the oven..I waited 10 minutes for them!!
He busts the container open and takes two bigunns out for himself (for starters). He sat at his desk and proceeded to sing sweet nothings into his bagel's ears..flippin' weirdo.

A couple of people started to line up to get their bagel and this jackass keeps saying:
"THEY'RE HOT ya know!!!" (insert wide-eyed, silly ass look here) "I WAITED for them!!!" (Insert long ass story about how there were only 4 in the case when he got there and he yelled across the bakery for more..blah blah blah - here)

He says this shit to everybody that comes to the table...they all just smiled uncomfortably and kept their heads down before rushing back to their desks.
After a while, people coming to the table just start to blurt out: "We know!! They're HOT!!
I just sat at my desk laughing..I swear I nearly pissed myself every time somebody walked up..and this jackass seriously had no clue what I was laughing at!!

He is SUCH an embarassment to our area....

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

IT"S MY BIRTHDAY!!! (Damn Office Parties)

Yes people, It's my birthday..and yes I CERTAINTLY AM 23 years old...for the second time..oh shut up...

We had a food day and everybody brought something..except Belly, of course and he was the main one scarfing down all the food, of course.

Our department also sponsored free pizza for everyone.."a limit of 3 slices" is what the sign said..Belly had at least my eyes deceive me??? Is that Belly hobbling his ass back over to the pizza table??

The Company sponsored free dessert for the entire building..they handed out little tickets for you to turn in in order to get your pizza, cake, pie etc....Belly tried to fake us all out earlier in the week by trying to offer me his tickets...why is that I JUST saw his fat ass eating a big 'ole piece of coconut cake with his pizza?????
He was probably hiding tickets in his cheeks.. or in the folds of his belly. Ewww.

He was trying to be all witty and funny today around the food table..people were just looking at him as if to say.."just shut the hell up..immediately"

At least he's attempting to be a little more humble (read: realistic) He referred to himself as "Fat Boy" today while telling a story....There's hope for him yet.

Monday, December 18, 2006

He Must Be Watering His Plants With It

Okay do you rememebr when I mentioned Belly's ass-crack breath??

Well due to extreme peer pressure, I was forced to look in his nasty desk for some alcohol wipes the other day..guess what I found....

I'll wait while you giggle......

How on earth is this stuff NOT working...I'm confused.

I should write Crest Corporate Headquarters and really, I'm serious....Okay maybe I'm not.

He claims to be working out at home...however, his stomach is getting bigger..others have noticed too. He mentioned that he was thinking of getting the Lap-Band procedure because i's "reversible"..sniggle.

The Hood Is ALWAYS Exciting!! Whateva..

Quick!! Get the Pulitzer people on the line, cuz I am SUCH a brilliant photojournalist.....

I'm titling this one:

That's Going To Hurt In The Morning or... Donde Esta Brake Pads?

There I was, minding my own damn business when all of a sudden I hear a series of metal-crunching noises then a thud..I looked out the window and here's what I saw across the street:

Immediately people started runing across the street, I was about to call 911 but there were a lot of people on their cell phones so I just waited....Nobody got out of the van and people just started to walk away so I just waited some more....


Bubba Gump's Towing And Fried Chicken Emporium shows up:

('scuse the blurriness, I was looking through the screen of my bedroom window)

Then some more peole came outside and they all stood around for 30 more minutes...then the Fire Dept showed up..more standing around....

Then A REAL BIG tow truck came by..he stood around for a while then he left...

Bubba Gump and 'nem then decide it's time to get moving so here goes....

More foolishness..then more people..The lady in the lovely "Barbecue Condiment Set" outfit seems to be the resident of the crushed home, the firemen were hugging her...

Wait Bubba!!!'s stuck on the fence post!!

So then they rip the rest of the fence apart and....

Whew..finally free. But as if all that stupidity was not enough..the owner of the van decides....

Hey Vatos!! It STILL runs!!

Fucking idiot almost went over a SECOND embankment while parking!!

The "aftermath":


Friday, December 15, 2006

Pet Peeve Of The Season

You CAN'T be fucking serious.....
My co-workers are walking around wearing these things...I'm soooo embarassed for them.
I, on the other hand, to look waaay better than them, have "hooched up" a cute santa tee from Target with rhinestones. It's vintage looking and has Santa in a karate stance with nunchuks..It says Elf Defense Kung Fu Dojo est 1974. oh. the. hilarity!!!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Keep It Shady

As I mentioned in my previous post, I went to the porn shop Friday.

I was completely APPALLED!!

First of all when I walked in, I was GREETED, very loudly by the girl behind the register..umm could you shut up bitch?? I am trying to be incognegro up in here and you are ruining it, Missy!!

After getting over that shock, I decided to peruse the dildo comes Miss Mary Sunshine again!!
Her: Can I help you find anything??
Me: (avoiding eye contact), just looking for Dirty Santa gift
Her: OH MY GOD!!! WE HAVE LOTS OF GREAT STUFF!!! blah blah blah blah
Me: (Thinking) Is this broad serious?

She then scampered off to bother the next customer who looked at her in an equally embarrassed way.

I don't know 'bout you, but I prefer my porn stores dimly lit, shady with the faintest smell of disinfectant, not all bright and cheery and shit.

What is this world coming to??

Oh did I tell you about one of my TOP 5 embarrassing moments???

I was in a sex shop...minding my own damn business..I went to check out and..and..and..The "thing I bought" wouldn't scan...shit!!!
I watched in horror as the counter boy slowly grabbed the overhead microphone thingy (creaking and feedback included) and yells: PRICE CHECK!!! If I could have folded myself up in a molecule, I would have. Then the guy he asked for the price check couldn't seem to find it in the section he was in so HE YELLS: Dude, which one was it???!!!
Then, of course, the ass behind the counter RAISES IT IN THE AIR and yells "DUDE, it's THIS ONE"....

I promise, I would have paid $6,0000 for that fucking thing at that very moment.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Party Queen

Woo!! It feels like I haven't blogged since Belly was thin...then that would have been never wouldn't it???
hahahaha, oh, I kill me.

My weekend was STUPID busy..I almost felt like my old "partying self"..almost.

Friday I stayed up until 1am making chocolate covered strawberries for Party #1 (see schedule below). I then had to wake up at 8am in a panic worried that I was going to wake up late and miss my shift at my shitty part time job (one of them). I went back to sleep..sort of.. and woke up at 9:45 to start the following:

LINKA'S SATURDAY SCHEDULE aka: Work yourself like a slave for your friends

11 am - 3 pm: Work shitty retail job, mostly goofing off and looking at men (stupid customers had me there until 3:13 actually..fuckers)

3:15 pm - 3:32 pm: Drive home, screaming obscenities the entire way, pulling up to my house on 2 wheels.

3:32 pm - 3:55 pm: ATTEMPT to get dressed quickly because I was SOOOOO smart to lay my outfit out the previous night..but wait..I HATE THIS OUTFIT. Walked around looking stupid for about 10 minutes for no reason and ended putting the original outfit on as planned..damn it!!!

4:40 pm: Arrived at Party #1 which started at 4 pm. (Somebody's gotta be late..why not let it be me??) Ex-Co-worker's house is FUCKING FABULOUS!!! It has a REAL bar in the basement with two bathrooms (??) and a pool table. (secretly think she's selling dope on the side but am informed that she's sort of "sub-letting" whateva).

4:45 pm - 8:50 pm: Screamed and Screamed, Drank and Drank, Laughed and Laughed with all my old co-workers from the really fucked up Non Profit that we all worked at 10 years ago.

Let one of our old friends know that I used to have a super sloppy crush on him - felt kind of weird when he said: "Used to?? What about now?!?
I slipped out of his very tight grip while mentioning The Other Half and realized that I shouldn't have said anything about anything.

8:55 pm: Finally left the party that I said earlier that I would leave at "7 pm, NO EXCEPTIONS" (yeah, right)

9:15 pm - 9:30 pm: Screamed at TOH (in my head) for not being dressed and ready for Party #2 before I got home..damn it boy, I left a note AND called you while I was out..jees!

9:30 pm - 10:30 pm: Drive time to Party #2, yes, my co-worker lives in the fucking boonies

10:35 pm - 1:20 am: Partied my stupid ass off!! Late again as usual..slackers.
Since we pre-paid $10 to attend this shin-dig, it was our intention to eat and drink our fair share and then some but by the time we got there all the "good" liquor was gone and the food was picked over..oh well

Here are some of Party #2's Highlights:

The Questions Game - Everybody writes out a question that they have always wanted an answer to and the "Question Ho" picks them from a hat. Example questions: "Does size matter?" or "What constitutes Good Pussy?" (What?? people were drunk) or TOH's favorite "Why can't a man have JUST ONE SUNDAY to watch football IN PEACE?" (whateva, assholes). This whole game turned into a "Men against Women" thing as usual.

The Dirty Santa Exchange - Oh.The.Comedy.
But I, like a dumbass left my gift at home. On Friday I purchased a lovely Cock Ring with Latex Whip Attachment (woo hoo!!) then I bought a box of condoms by HUGE brand. What?? We had a $10 limit and my OCD wouldn't let me buy just one gift!!

TOH's "Fireside Chat" - Somehow TOH got ahold of one of those "Sex Positions For Everyday Of The Year" books and ended up surrounded by me and another 10 ladies calling out different dates. Once he found the requested date he turned the book around to show us all the position like it was story hour at Gymboree...fucking hilarious.
Then in his usual "direct" way, he let them know that they (including him and me) were all wayyyy too big to try at least 90% of these moves. Somehow none of them were offended, he's such a charmer (yeah, whateva)

Ghetto Karaoke - Again, Oh.The.Comedy.
Why, you ask, is it called "Ghetto Karaoke"?? Well imagine this setup: Hip Hop songs playing on a really cool IPOD player BUT attached to a kid's jukebox/cd player/double microphone thingie that gave more bad feedback than Ebay. Oh, did I mention there were NO WORDS on the screen?? You pretty much had to "figure out" the words for your damn self.
TOH and my Co-Worker "Sherlock" did a surprisingly accurate rendition of Doug E. Fresh's "The Show". He was even doing the "Doug E. Fresh dance"...if you've seen Paid In Full, you'll know what I mean. He also found his way to the mic on EU's "Doin' Tha Butt".
One of my seemingly "sweet and quiet" co-workers got up and did Rob Base's "It Takes Two" , rappin' it like he wrote it....Somehow he ended up freak dancing with his single female cube mate..I thought he was married..woo good times.

Moral of this story:

Drunk people should NOT Karaoke

All the way home, TOH kept trying to offer me some of THE ENTIRE PARTY-SIZE BAG of Tostitos Scoops chips he took from the party.
TOH: Wants some tortilllllllllla chips??
Me: No, I'm trying to drive and I'm already dehydrated
*welcome silence* (except for his munching and smacking, a sad reminder of Belly)
TOH: Linka72, I have to tell you something, it's really important, look at me
Me: (irritated, since he always professes some important "truth" every time he drinks) What??!?
TOH: *sighs*, leans in, looks at me in a serious way.......You have GOT to try these chips!!!!
At this point I'm trying to figure out how to throw him through the windshield without the airbags opening.....

That drunk ass boy went on like that for most of the hour-long trip home. Thank god he finally fell asleep..gripping the chip bag tightly.

Needless to say, me and TOH slept most of the day Sunday and I'm still hoarse from laughing and screaming, I'm sure all the alcohol didn't help my throat situation either.

Of course ya know everybody was "hanging their heads low" on Monday..leave it my big ass mouth to "remind" them of their deeds..oh, being evil is SO much fun.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

A Rock And A Hard Place

Belly shaved his wild Taliban beard down over the weekend..thank god.

He hates it, I know this because he stated that he "paid a person to mess him up". I guess that statement means his barber took the initiative and helped his fat ass out by shearing him like a sheep.

I personally think he looks 7 million times better. He actually looks the face.... but I'm afraid to tell him so because he might get his little willy all hard and take it as a compliment...yeck! bad visual!
He's aso letting his beady/bug eyes breathe today since he's not wearing his coke bottle glasses..why are they always caked with crud/shit chips??? Eww. He looks kinda like a baby rat..squintin' and shit.

He just bounded down the aisle with his lunch..I'm thinking of following him into the break room just to stare at his food like he does me. One day I noticed that he's one of those people that takes 1 fry at a time and puts ketchup...on that 1 at. a. damn. fucking irritating.

I should cough all over his lunch just for shits and giggles.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Belly's Foot And Other Foolishness

I'm still trying to figure out how Belly's fat ass manages to balance on a foot that is turned at a 90 degree angle. I guess his parents couldn't afford a foot brace for him when he was little...po' thang.

Thankfully the phones have been busy and he's been relatively quiet. He's such a martyr that he feels he must "save the world" and answer every damn call that comes in and stay on with each caller waaaay longer than needed. He also makes a mountain out a mole hill on most calls..for instance say you need a password reset, Belly will turn that into you needing a completely new workstation for no reason at all....stupid ass.

I really think he's the type of person that loves drama. He seems to "create" it in his household..remember the whole hidden camera debacle??

About 15 times a day, his 10 year old daughter calls his desk phone, each time, she's so excited to tell on the other kids that he has to say her name OVER AND OVER AND OVER (really loud, mind you), then tell her to calm down. Then he has to tell her to stop calling but he says it in SUCH a yella belly way that not even a 10 year old believes it and she keeps on calling.

If I EVER called my Mom at work and it wasn't because my brother was on fire and/or bleeding to death, she would have kicked my ass!!

He also feels the need to seem important to everyone. He actually admitted that he only married his wife as part of a "social experiment" because she looked needy..fucking weirdo, I think it was because she was mentally slow, light skinned and had big tits..but that's just my opinion.

Oh wait..lemme tell ya this part:

One day he was sitting over the wall blabbing all his damn business to me (this was in the early days when he was new to our department and I was trying to be nice).

He said that the reason he "gained a couple of pounds" was because when he first got married, he was SUCH a hot piece of ass (yeck..gag) that women were constantly hitting on him (yeah, whatever). He figured that good looking chicks wouldn't be SO attracted to him if he was a little chunky...

oops!! looks like you skated right past chunky and landed in lard-ass city.

He then said..out loud... to me..... that the caveat to this whole "test" was that fat girls started noticing him and that he was disgusted by it....I know....WTF??? He's dillusional. I can't imagine ANY woman being attracted to his goofy ass.

Speaking of Goofy..Here's what his teeth look like:

hahahahahahaha...woooo...hahahahahaha, I am so mean

Are You On The List? bored ass has nothing to blog about today..'cept I love Heroes on NBC.
Are You On The List? is the new catch phrase for the show(Remember Save The Cheerleader, Save The World?)...Back when I was in college, I was always on somebody's "list"..mostly their Shit List..but that's another story....

Monday, December 04, 2006

YAAAAAY Baby Furniture!!! Yeah, Right.

I spent all Sunday at my pregnant friend's house assembling the oh so lovely baby's room above..I knew on Saturday (when she announced that "the guys" would be putting it together) that it would be a day of heavy cursing and frustration. Much like the last time, her husband had none of the required can't imagine how many times I had to explain to him that you DON'T hammer a SCREW into anything. Dammit boy!

When I first got there, all the guys (including mine, who I allowed to spend the night over there) were hung over.

Since his birthday sucked from the previous week, The Other Half has deemed this weekend as his "Birthday Weekend" and has been drunk for 3 days.

I knew in the back of my mind that I and only I would end up assembling every damn thing in the box....

Long story longer....After TOH made everybody steaks for dinner (damn, I love that man) I finished putting the crib together..the baby's father made a half-assed attempt to help me but was far too busy drinking beer and watching the Cowboys win...(Is all that damn screaming at the TV neccessary??)

I then moved on to the one even made the effort to as much as look in my direction while I did it, they must have sensed my anger or they just didn't give a damn..I was almost done when TOH came down the stairs lookin all tired and cranky.."aren't you done yet??...let's go..I'm tired..wah wah fuckin wah...

I had everything laid out as per the 40 page instruction booklet - bolts sized accordingly etc, etc. There was a pile of "unapproved/what the fuck are these extra things" type screws and bolts then I had a pile of "correct and approved" type screws and bolts.

OF COURSE The baby's father decided to "help me out" but attaching the top with something from the "unapproved" guessed it..he gouged a huge horrible hole in the wood top!! He shrugged it off by saying "Well, we're going to putting things on top of it to cover that anyway"....huh???

I was too tired to curse him.....I left the changing table up to him..we'll see how THAT turns out.

being a super Auntie is SUCH a burden.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Ricola Beat Down

Belly is back from his vacation..can you imagine a road trip with 4 kids and a ditzy wife?? I would have murdered somebody by now.

Belly has a nasty cold of some sort..probably got it from one of his crumb-snatchers.
I swear if he coughs ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to shove a bag of couch drops in mouth and tape the fucker shut!!

It's bad enough that he has shit he's blowing it all over the office..Thanks Belly

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Oh, The Holidays..Part 2 And So On

Okay, I was finally able to get away from that little bastard from my last post...

This week has been hectic and hellish.

Thanksgiving in the boondocks was great. Fried Turkey is my new boyfriend, don't tell The Other Half.
I did have one "country livin' " faux pas though:

It was 5:30 in the morning when all of a sudden I hear a BOOOOM!!! I thought a transformer blew but I could still see the street lights. Then I heard BOOM BOOOOOM CRACK CRACK BOOM!! Oh SHIT, They're shooting outside!!! I ran into the living room where my father-in-law to-be was watching TV and announced loudly:
They're BUCKIN' (shooting, for the ebonically challenged)...GET DOWN!!!
He calmly looked over at me and said:
Baby, huntin' season starts today around's're safe here...
I know he must have thought I was dumb as a box of fucking rocks..hell, where I'm from..shooting is NOT good.

The Other Half was a groomsman in YET ANOTHER wedding that was not our own.
I would just like to say for the record that After Hours Formal Wear can kiss my entire ass..they are so ass-backwards there. When we got there, he tried the (horribly ghetto, cream colored, knee length) tuxedo jacket on...great, it's about 3 sizes too big...uh, didn't they measure you TOH?? of course they did..but I guess they were high when they did it.
Apparently they also took his hip measurement as his waist measurement so the pants were hovering dangerously around his lower ass crack. Nice.
Instead of re-measuring him, The lady behind the counter just looked at him and said "I got it, we'll make the changes, come back tomorrow"....WTF???

So we left and tried to go on with our weekend...

TOH went to the bachelor party and I went with my pregnant friend to spend the night in Columbia so we could wake up like jackasses and shop on Friday morning...what the hell wee we thinking???

Friday afternoon TOH goes back to Crackhead Formal Wear and guess what...THE JACKET STILL DOES NOT FIT!! Could it be that the "eagle eyed" broad behind the counter didn't measure the shit the last time?? Could Be.
She had the nerve to tell him to come back A THIRD TIME!! I'm thinking to myself: Ok..this tux will be SO free!!

Finally the next day, TOH gets the tux..and we meet up at the church..I have to admit it all came together quite well considering it was a cream tux with a long jacket..did I tell you the wedding party was 40 people strong?? How pretentious. My people can be so ghetto, I swear.
I promise you, about half of them sang a damn song during the wedding..I started to think we were at a concert for god's sake.
The groom even sang..yeah, you heard right. He sounded horrible but I thought it was so cute that he loved her enough to sing her down the aisle.
Speaking of God..the visiting preacher started speaking in tongues during one of the 4000 prayers..kinda scary.

At one point, one of the four HIRED singers had backup singers..WTF?? I can't even recall any vows being said ....all that damn head was pounding.
The wedding programs had ALL sorts of misspellings such as TOOKED for took and REALAYZED for realized. WTF?? I looked at the credits and some ghetto "design" company had done the programs..ooookaaayy, Spell Check much??
I wouldn't had paid for that shit, you can rest assured.

After the wedding we found our way to the reception..more ghettoness. We sat there for 30 minutes before anybody even said anything about food being served..jeeeees!! Once we got through the buffet line we were already contemplating Taco Bell value meals...Is that SUPPOSED to be roast beef??..looked nasty and tasted worse..the ushers and bridesmaids were hoarding the chicken wings in the back of the kitchen like vultures and the fruit was all old and mushy....this is why I'm thinking of eloping.

We left there and went to TOH's brother's house about an hour away. His new baby is absolutely fabulous and I'm going to steal her. TOH is totally in love with her but refused to admit that he wanted us to have a baby too..Men.
We spent the night and had lunch with them before leaving for home.....HERE'S WHERE EVERYTHING WENT BAT SHIT:

On the way out of the driveway I realized I left my purse at their house so I ran back to get it...TOH then realizes that he can't find his wallet..that contains everything including his birth certificate (??) big deal we think..maybe it's in his jeans in the trunk (we went straight back to CrackHead Formal Wear and returned the tux and he changed into his street clothes in their dressing room)

We tore the car apart

We tore our luggage apart

We tore the guest room and bathroom apart




Somewhere in the last 1000 miles, he has lost a wallet that had pretty much EVERYTHING in it..including MY FUCKING CHECK CARD!!!!(long story, don't ask)

We drove an hour out of our way in an attempt to retrace our steps..nothing

Since then I have called the church, the stupid tux place, 3 gas stations and mall security..still nothing. TOH is pissed, he swears he put it in the car door compartment at the church so he wouldn't have to carry it in his tux..he says he might have had it in his pocket at the tux place when he returned it...but...he can't remember

I already called the Crackhead Tux Joint several times, they claim they still can't find it...Idiots.

Anyway, I've tried to not act pissed about the wallet around TOH, it was his birthday when this happened.
I cancelled my check card yesterday and TOH seems to be dragging his feet about canceling all of his stuff..keep it up jackass..let 'em steal your identity, fool.

So we had a good time until Sunday..then it sucked ass..awww hell.

I'm still forming my refund request letter for After Hours Formal Wear..I'll let you know how that goes.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Oh...The Holidays

I'm delirious..I, like an ass woke up at 3:30am with my pregnant friend and hit the stores..Best Buy was a joke..we were so far back in line, it was discouraging and sad..but we kept saying our motto of the day:


Ok, I have to go now..There is a "Belly" that is about 5 years old lurking over my shoulder. He has just annouced to the entire house that I typed a "Bad Word"....sit down ya little bastard..who's kid are you anyways ?....
I'll be back later

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

More Man Candyx2

God Damn It..Wentworth Miller is one hot son of a bitch.
He's kind of on the "pretty side" but he could get "it" if he asked nicely.
According to the net he's:
London born-Brooklyn raised Miller is part African-American, Jamaican, English, German, French, Dutch, Syrian, and Lebanese. Damn, that's a lot.

On a side note, Dominic Purcell could get "it

You Still STANK

This morning I was reading my email when I noticed a "noise" coming from above me. Yes, it was Belly, leaning over the cube wall..lips smacking...eating his yougurt/shit chip concoction..slurping...more nasty was the nastiest noise I've heard in at least 2 weeks...(Shut Up Orhan)
I shot a shitty look out of the corner of my eye and he sat his fat ass stomach is still churning from the noise.

Me and my co-worker witnessed a good 3 minutes of ass scratching from him today...he doesn't even really have an ass funny co-worker made me vomit a little by imagining how hairy and stinky he must be under the "fold" of his gut. She said it probably smells like potted meat...EWWWW
If he even attempts to touch anything I own, I'll stomp a mud hole in his ass.

Ten bucks says Belly cheats on his "diet" and ends up eating an ENTIRE turkey..bones and all. I wonder if 3 whole pies and 4 pans of dressing are permitted on the Fatkins Diet?

I just saw him in the break room...eating a BIG ASS bag of battered's he's gotten into the cookies...nice diet..I think I'll get on it too!!

We're trying to figure out how to tell him his breath smell like hot, raw sewage. One of my cube mates offered him a mint the other day and he refused, the co-worker insisted but Belly refused AGAIN..dumb ass can't take a hint.
So since I love a challenge, I offered him one just now..he refused it. He said: "Naw, I'm cool"...uh NO YOU'RE NOT!! I'm going to leave some mints in his drawer to see if he notices.

Me and The Other Half will be on vacation starting tomorrow and we'll be back on Monday..almost a week without Belly's irritating ass..I'm so damn happy, I might actually sing a song.
Hopefully there will be a computer around so that I can blog about my dysfunctional in-laws to be

Happy Thanksgiving everybody..Don't kill anyone while I'm gone!!!

Monday, November 20, 2006

You Stank

Notice I didn't say "stink"..this is way past "stink", it has now become STANK

Something in Belly's "area" smells like cigarettes, ass and Spam.

I let it slide for about an hour but after that, I just HAD to say something. He claimed it was an open meat container in his trash can and that he had closed it so he "can't understand why you smell anything"..shut up Stank Ass Belly.

I kept bothering him about the smell by complaining loudly and recruiting others who smelled it. ha hahahaha..he got all pissed and claimed to tie the trash liner in a knot...didn't help...when he went to inhale his lunch in the break room, I held my breath and switched his trash can with one in a vacant cube..yeckkkkk!! Sadly, we then noticed that a stench was ALSO coming from his jacket..shower much lard face???
I immediately fogged my entire area with fake CK1 body spray....what? It was better than "Belly Stank"!

Woo Hoo!! Fajita Night!!

I made fajitas last night..and of course you know, YOU MUST HAVE FRUITY, FROZEN DRINKS with's a head hurts this morning..wonder why?

Me and The Other Half hashed out the whole "He could have been killed" incident on Friday. He says he spoke witht he guy that accused him and they're friends again..whatever..don't ever let that bastard around me OR my house because I promise you..It will be a long day for his ass.

We mostly sat around and watched reality TV..The Girls Next Door is so damn funny...Hef is one old mothertrucker...imagine his wrinkly ass all up on you..yeck!

Something's Fishy

Belly just informed us that the cameras he installed are HIDDEN CAMERAS!!! Silly me, I thought his kids knew about the cameras.
What kind of sick fuck secretly videotapes his family? And another do we know he hasn't installed them in their bedrooms??? He has a 17 year old Step-Daughter that I would be concerned about.

What a fucking weirdo....

Thursday, November 16, 2006

I'd Do Him - Man Candy Of The Day

Common (that's his rap name) is SO damn fine..In a granola, vegetarian "we don't wear leather" kind of way. Still, he could "get it".

You Need A Listerine Suppository..

We had a staff meeting today..Belly INSISTED on asking 73,000 irrelevant the end of it, I'm sure my face was purple from his shit breath "fogger bomb" .

My co-worker nearly made me do a spit gag with my coffee with her comments about Belly's..well.. belly. It's SO big that he almost can't help but to cross his hands across it..It's like a handy tray table..
She proceeded to make a drawing that I just HAVE to post in my cubicle.
We also cackled on the way back about him having to lift that son of a bitch up just to piss..Just imagine the pestilence and death that's trapped under there on a hot day....oh.the.comedy.


Are Krispy Kreme Glazed Mini Crullers on the Atkins Diet?

Oooh Look!!

Didn't think so..Belly just pounded down an entire bag in one sitting. At one point he tried to offer me one but I said no.

I told him that I liked "real" crullers from Dunkin' Donuts (see pic below)

..he got all pissed and said the store he got his from was way easier to get to in the morning (so fucking what..sit down, boy??!!) It makes me laugh to know that he thinks I'm an ungrateful bitch.
He then felt the need to try to make us all feel sorry for him cheating on his diet during the above-mentioned staff it was our fault or something. He was eating some sort of concoction made of yogurt and shit chips during the meeting..nasty smacking noises for at leat 20 minutes..ewww, people kept looking at him but he didn't care.

I can't wait to ask him tomorrow what he witnessed on his surveillance camera..what a damn weirdo.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Men Are Stupid

The Other Half (TOH) could earn a degree in Silent Treatment with a double minor in Witholding Affection and Avoidance
Actually he could both teach the class AND write the textbook.

He's been pissed off at me since I pulled a "Crazy Bitch" (according to him) move this weekend.
Here's what happened:

Saturday night he told me the story of how one of his friends had been robbed the previous day. The robber roughed up the guy's kids including a baby. This guy says that he saw OUR car driving away from the scene as if to say The Other Half robbed him...I know, WTF???
Even though he is a "former thug", The Other Half is SOOO not "that guy".

A mutual friend of theirs then calls TOH at home on Saturday and says that there is a bounty on his head so to speak and that they're going to "get his ass"...again, WTF???

Long story short, they finally find out that the robber was a close friend of the victim's from NewYork and now everything is squashed and TOH is off the hook.....uh..Thanks?

So TOH let's the day progress, we go to our friend's house in separate cars, have some drinks and pizza, she took my weave out, we watched TV..blah blah blah.
I decided to go home and he said he wanted to stay a while longer. He called home at around 1:30 am saying he was going to play pool with (we'll call him) Bubba, Bubba just happens to be one of the assholes that accused TOH of being a home invader just a few hours ago....yeah, stupid huh?
I asked if he thought that was a good idea and he dismissed me as if to say "run along silly girl, shoo".
I somehow dozed off and woke up in a damn panic around 3:30am - of course his ass wasn't home yet..I called his cell phone at leat 10 answer...Now I've got all kinds of horrible scenarios floating around in my head like they lured him out there to set him up and now he's dead in a ditch.
After a couple of minutes (it doesn't take me long to panic) He calls back all calm and cool:
TOH: What's up?
Me: What the fuck do you mean "what's up?"
TOH: Why are you trippin' ?
Me: WHERE ARE YOU?? You said you'd be home in 30 minutes..that was like 2 hours ago
TOH: ( I'm just so tedious) I told you who I was out with, What's the problem?
Me: THAT"S EXACTLY THE PROBLEM!! How the hell are you going to be "hanging out" with the guys that just accused you of robbing them?? I'm scared asshole, you JUST told me a story of how you were nearly killed and I'm supposed to be OK with that {Insert screaming and crying here}
TOH: are completely over-reacting and I'm hanging up..CLICK..

Gasp..clutch the pearls..that asshole hung up on me...somebody will die before sun up.

He gets home a while later..I can feel him staring at the back of my head..I gave him the evil eye and turned back over.
He slept on the couch and probably hasn't said 15 words to me since what.

Ok, I say "so what" but what I really mean is: PLEASE TAKE ME BACK!!, DON'T BE MAD!! I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT YOUR DUMB ASS
But I'd never admit it to HIM..whaddya crazy?


We're speaking again..He's got a bad cold and probably just wants sympathy..that was a mean thought..but I'm mean, remember?

A Weekly Occurence

It seems that cussing that bastard out is going to be a weekly occurence.
They had Roast Beef and Mashed Potatoes in the cafeteria today..mmmmhmm.
I made my way there and back all happy about my lunch when of course, Belly's "big girl with a snack" radar went off.
He tried to disguise his staring with some bullshit story about one of his old business partners...whatever asshole.
As he loomed over my desk blowing warm, shit breath all over my lunch, my stomach literally LURCHED..I tried to ignore it and wave the smell of my lunch under my nose, but his breath was winning the battle.
He started with:
Belly: That sure looks good Linka72
Me: (Thinking) fuck off fatty
Belly: That smells REAL GOOD, and it looks good too {insert heavy breathing here} Look at those potatoes.....
Me: I swear to God, if you don't stop staring at my fucking food, I promise you I'll..
Belly: Dang, I'm just sayin..the smell is what made me stand up and take a look.blah blah fucking blah {insert ridiculous man-giggle here}

So now, here I sit, feeling nauseous and with the smell of his shit breath clinging to me.

Belly - Thanks for ruining my damn lunch. "Preeeshate" it.

You CAN'T Be Serious

Belly informed us that over the weekend, he installed motion-sensored surveillance cameras INSIDE his house.

I know..WTF?

I asked him if it was because his kids were sneaking out at night and he said "No"..he didn't really offer much more than "after-school, latch-key issues".
My co-worker joked that it was because his Wife was sneaking out at night...Belly got really pissed off but of course WE laughed our asses off..must've hit a nerve!!

He's probably got some sort of weird shit going on in his house..He's already made it apparent that he likes to video us so...Me and the cube mates just made a pact to NEVER use the bathroom at his house..(as if we would EVER go over there).

My co-worker just reminded me of a time she and another co-worker met Belly's wife...fucking hilarious:

She said they were standing there chit-chatting and Belly's wife started talking about something and she started to The broad was actually staring into the ceiling like she was fascinated by something then ALL OF A SUDDEN!!, she literally "snapped" out of it, like God slapped her or something, then went back into lucid conversation.
My co-worker said it was all she could not to laugh OUT LOUD in her face.
They said it was the strangest thing they had ever witnessed...
I make her tell the story at least once a week, she acts it out and everything, just so I can come close to pissing myself..oh. the. comedy!!

Monday, November 13, 2006

I Am Such A Rockstar

Friday I worked at the club again. This time it was for a Rockstar Energy Drink function. They showcased some "local" type bands. I was able to see only one of them, EchoValve. Here's their site.
They were pretty good. (and shut up!! - I DO know a little something about rock music)
The lead singer was an iron deficient, guyliner wearing kind of way, and he sang well.

I wanted to get some free samples..(cuz that's what I do). When I got to the booth, the guy tried to make me a Jager Bomb..uh, no ..I'm on the clock..he didn't seem to care so I had to INSIST on him not making me that damn drink..jees

I worked MY OTHER job the next day..pretty celebrities came through but I did get a bastard credit card usual. I openly sarcastically laughed in his face..he had no clue what the problem was....asshole

Took my weave out on Saturday night at my friend's house. The Other Half said that was ghetto..whatever, stupid

Got the weave REdone on Sunday..ouch, my hair hurts, again.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

The Last Straw..I Mean Fry

Ok people, I finally cussed him out......

Here I am, minding my OWN FUCKING BUSINESS when Belly decides to stand up and stare at me some more.
I wasn't feeling so hot so I got some fries from the cafeteria. I was just about to dig in when I heard the snot whistle. Great.
Then if that wasn't bad enough, he says (in the nastiest, porn tone) " God...those fries look goooood...really goooood"
I turned around and said:
"Will you PLEASE STOP staring at my damn food???!!!???"
He looked shocked, then embarassed. He tried to laugh it off (because everybody was looking at him) and say "Dang, I'm sorry..excuuuuuse me"

Fuck you Belly.

Later on, he tried to make small talk by reading us stupid online news stories.
Belly: WOW!! Look at this, they're making deep fried Pizza now
Everyone Else: *silence*
Belly: Eww, deep fried pizza, who would eat something like that?
Everyone Else: (Thinking) Your fat ass would...
Belly: I mean that just sounds gross, batter fried..blah blah blah fucking blah...
Everyone Else: (Thinking) Shut the hell

He went on for about 10 minutes on how weird/gross deep fried pizza would be and how he "just couldn't imagine eating something like that"

I'm going to punch him in his throat tomorrow..I really am.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Such A Nerd....

It's amazing how Belly lies.

Me and Sweetie were having a discussion about a caller who admitted that his child broke his PDA. We started talking about things that we broke as children WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, Belly butts in and says: "When I was little I took a train transformer THEN I put in in a metal bowl,THEN I put a live cricket in the bowl so I could test the polarity of blah blah fuckin' blah....."

What in the fuck is he talking about?

I can just imagine his little fat, nerdy, coke bottle glasses wearing ass reading Popular Science and picking his nose.

I'm going to maim him soon...really I am.

A Whole New World

We recently had some cubicle changes and now we have a couple of new cube mates. Unfortunately, I was not set to move and neither was Belly, why does the universe curse me in this way?

Anywhoo... For the past week, each morning when I come in, I notice that our new cube mate - We'll call her Sweetie - has "a look" on her face.

A look that I can only describe as "strained" and somewhat angry. I asked her what was wrong and she said:
I'm sure you can imagine what fucker she is referring to.

It seems that Sweetie made the mistake of saying "Hello" and "How's your day" a couple of times and now Belly thinks he has a new friend. I did my best not to laugh at her..poor thing, I wonder how long it will be before SHE starts a "Belly Blog".

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Damn You Sesame Street!!

Belly has taken to saying everything in The Count from Sesame Street's accent. He even counted to 4 earlier just like The Count.

I know.....WTF??

I'm going to search his cubicle for a crack pipe this afternoon.
Here I was thinking that those white crumbs on his desk were from muffins, they were obviously crack rocks.

My Brown Bretheren

On Friday I worked at the club again. This time the show was for Hombres G.

I have 8 words for you:

I should have taken Spanish in High School

Everybody that came up to the window asked me something in spanish. Thank god the promoter had an employee in the booth with me. One guy, after paying for his ticket, looked at me and said something that, from the look on his face, sounded dirty. I immediately launched into telling him to "fuck off" when the poor girl sitting next to me quietly explained that he was "just asking where the line started".

Ooops, My Bad

Here I am about to start an International Incident.

Speaking of incidents:
This weekend, with the help of I left the following note on my neigbor's truck:
No estacione aqui. Estacione delante de su propio hogar. Llamare la oficina a tener su camion remolcado.
Loosely translated this means: Stop parking in my fucking parking space, asshole.

I watched the parking lot ALL DAY to see if he got the note..he did..he balled up the first one and threw it in the bushes.
But wait!! He didn't see the one on his windshield! (insert evil laught here)
He jumped out of his truck, snatched it off the windshield then got back in his truck and wrote the following note:

El pazqueo no es privado, es libre.
Yo me estaciono donde yo quiero. No me deses notas. Dimelo de trente (sp?) si me conoces.
Loosely translated this means: Bitch, are you nuts? I'll park wherever the hell I want to and if you don't like it, step to me.

Well I'll be damned...I IMMEDIATELY called the office and told him that he threatened me, yes a lie in so many words, but he's an asshole.
The manager claimed taht she would speak to him about it...later in the afternoon the fucker parked IN THE SAME EXACT space...ok, I see how it is.
Well Karma Is A Bitch - Some kids were playing in the parking lot (This is the semi ghetto ya know) and they started fighting, all of a sudden...THUD!!! Right into the fender of his truck...His alarm went of for five minutes and I laughed for at least four of them.
Needless to say, later that night, that fucker's truck was moved into a different space..far away from mine.
I still half expect him to slash my tires..who knows.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Really, Sit Your Ass Down

In yet ANOTHER attempt to get me to look at him:

I was sitting there minding my own business when Belly stands up and says (to no one in particular) "My arms hurt"..I ignored him as usual but he started to grunt and moan from his so-called pain.
I finally was forced to ask him why his arms hurt even though I suspected it was from jacking off excessively (eww, I betcha he can't even reach it).

He claimed it was from lifting monitors all day (some jackass put him in charge of workstation relocations) and then he launched into some sort of instructional presentation of how monitors are lifted. He kept saying:
Look Look Look Look..finally I looked at him and he was doing some stupid "double arm curl", trying to show me his fat-ceps. I barely looked at him but he still continued. I was half waiting for him to kiss each fat-cep..but I'm sure his chunky neck would not allow for that to happen.

If ya wanna hear Belly's laugh, YOU JUST GOTTA watch this video of the Big Lots SpokesElf contest, click on the first elf's video and you will hear the hell I have to put up with ALL DAY.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Damn Halloween, Damn Kids, DAMN CAR!! Part 2

Woo the ugly pictures to load!!

Damn Halloween, Damn Kids, DAMN CAR!!

[There were supposed to be some pics here but as usual, Blogger is trippin']

I 'm sitting here attempting to Relax, Relate and Release as Whitley would say.

Last night after blazing home at 200 miles an hour, flinging fabulous decorations across my shitty doorway and making sure my costume was STILL looking good:

10 fucking kids came to the door...

yes, in 4 hours we only had 10 damn kids...and some of them were rude.

One child just stood there looking at me, looking at her. She finally said "trick or treat" and I reluctantly gave her candy..little heffa

After giving a different little girl THREE pieces of really good candy, she stood there looking at me, looking at the bowl, back to me, as if to say: "look bitch, you've got a HUGE fucking bowl of candy and we both know no one else is coming..gimme more candy ho!!"
I gave her the "head jerk" that said "move along little devil spawn" and I swear I heard her snap her teeth. I should have pushed her down the stairs..but that would have been wrong huh?

Some teenagers came by around 8:45. The "young man" with them had a beard thicker than Belly's!! I gave him candy anyway....what?? he had a bag and everything!

Most of the kids were very nice though. They complimented my decorations AND my faboo costume. Of course some of looked at me as if they were wondering: "What in the hell is she wearing?" but I still love the kids.

Cut to this morning:

Remember my fabulous car? Well it showed me JUST how fabulous it was today by letting one of it's brake calipers FALL OFF.
Yes I said it fell off, thus causing a $600 rim to grind to a halt in front of McDonald's this morning.
I got on the phone immediately and called The Other Half and Emergency Roadside.
So I'm just sitting there ..waiting...when and all of a sudden here comes the Sherriff...what the hell could she want???
I explained that the car would not move forward..she asked me if I could move it..I EXPLAINED AGAIN that the car would not move forward no matter how hard I gunned the engine in Drive...She told me that she HAD to call a tow truck and that I HAD to move my vehicle from the road-way...I EXPLAINED AGAIN that I already had a tow truck on the way..she just looked at me and then got on her cell phone..whoever it was on the phone told her to PUSH my car out of the way with her car..WTF??...She then proceeded to do as such...Oh.My.God.
As the big dyke cop lady pushed my car with her big as batter-ram bumper, the grinding of my $600 rim continued..after she was able to push my poor car out of the way, SHE SPED OFF with lights and sirens blaring!!....I basically just stood there in shock.

Again, WTF??

The Other Half then showed up and removed the tire (not before grilling me on "what it was that I did")
He did the customary male "stand back and look at it" move and just looked at me. I left the ratchet set in my bedroom (don't ask) so I had NO TOOLS.
The Other Half decided to go to the tire shop and ask for a wrench or something. He was met by a bunch of Good Ole Boys who wouldn't give him shit.
Meanwhile back at McDonald's...
The tow truck driver came..he smelled like weed
He took me to the brake place up the road...the mechanic looked like he was:
A. High
B. Just woke up
C. Not at all interested in what the hell I was saying

I had to leave it there since they were "busy". When I pulled up one of the guys was welding something onto one of the cars..WTF??

Anyway, before I left my baby, I threw the name of my company around a WHOLE lot..I guess it was an attempt to scare them into NOT screwing me over..didn't work, they charged me 45 damn dollars to tighten a bolt that they then charged me $2.50 for..jeesssuuuussss!!!
There goes my crack money..oh well
The Other Half got me to work only about an hour late..poor thing has a bad cold so he went home to sleep..I should have went with him, stupid me.

Did I tell you that Belly insisted on taking me to pick my car up later in the afternoon??? Yeck...I tried to get out of it but he wouldn't leave it alone add to it the fact that my cube mates kept "co-signing" ( I'll kill THOSE bitches later). Resistance was futile.

If I could have taken a picture of what he looked like in the
God forbid he ever gets in an accident, nothing but guts all over the place..although his stomach would make a wonderful airbag of sorts. He was basically in a horizontal position. I'm not sure how we got there in one piece.
Don't even get me started on him putting his seatbelt was all I could do to not fall into a heap, laughing.
I was trying to wait to put mine on 'cuz lord knows I didn't want another touching incident, but he was struggling for so long, I finally put mine touching happened... thank ya jesus.

When we got there, he was trying to be all gentlemanly by saying "You sure you don't need me to go in there and crack some heads?"...uh, go away..quickly.
I forgot to mention that when my car first broke down this morning, he somehow got my cell phone number (those damn co-workers) and called saying:
Belly: You need me to come down there?
Me: No, I'll be fine, The Other Half is on his like five minutes and I already called a tow
Belly: You sure?
Me: Absolutely sure
Belly: You sure? 'cuz I could be there in like 5 seconds blah blah blah fucking blah
Belly: Okay..I was just checking 'cuz blah blah blah

I'm standing there wondering what on earth I did to deserve this fresh hell and was "saved" by the crazy sherriff lady with the big hat. I said a quick "cops are here, b...." (yeah I didn't even give him a full "bye" before jamming the END button).

I guess I should be thankful that I had a ride to pick up the car but believe me when I say: I WOULD RATHER HAVE WALKED 30 MILES in the snow..
both ways..
with a hole in my sock
AND a rock in my shoe.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Just Call Me Ugly Betty

I watched Ugly Betty on 10/26 and that bitch stole my costume..I too, am a Butterfly of sorts today..My costume is waaaay cuter (of course)
I got the wings from Torrid/Hot Topic (mine are purple)..son of a bitch...I just noticed they're on sale for $4.00..I paid $14.00 dammit to hell!!!!!

I, like Betty, am THE ONLY MOTHERFUCKER in here with a costume on!! (There's probably a blog about me and my damn costume). Thank god the other departments dressed up. I guess I'll hang with them at lunch..this is JUST like junior high.

A lot of my co-workers won't dress up due to "religious reasons"..oh..more candy for me.

Okay..before I go...

Why did this broad come over to my desk just now and HIT me with my own magic wand..bitch hit me a little TOO hard to be "joking around" as she claimed, she almost knocked my rhinestones off!!.
I ignored her since I was on the phone with a client..crazy heffa.

Monday, October 30, 2006

The Flavor Of Stupid

Did you watch that bullshit, The Flavor Of Love reunion on Sunday night???
It was so "staged" and the editing was so bad that I thought I was watching an infommercial!!!
I kept waiting for the audience to scream out: SET IT.....AND FORGET IT!!!

That being said..I guess it's my fault for getting caught up. I really did cheer for "Deelishis". If I had a body like that (flat stomach, huge ass, tall like an Amazon), I would NEVER work another day in my life!! Everytime I needed rent or a car payment, I'd just bend over and shake "ass-fairy" dust in The Other Half's face..Presto!! Bills Paid.

What??, what is everybody upset about?? Don't act like you haven't "used your feminine ways" to get what you want. You too Orhan..but in a male way, of course..hahahaha
My feminine ways USED to work with my boyfriend..we've been together 8 he's hip to my shit.
Now I just tell him, point blank, what to do..poor us


I absolutely LOVED the part where the host, La La got pissed off when Buckwyld threw a shoe at New York and it almost hit her (La La) in the head. She said "if another shoe comes this way, it's going to be a motherfuckin' problem". I love when bougie girls let their "ghetto"'s so hilarious

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Now Was THAT Necessary?? Some Rich People Suck.

On the weekends, I sometimes work a part-time retail job in a very ritzy frou frou mall.
I love this job because I get a 40% discount on everything and I get free shoes 4 times a year (Woo Hoo!!).

I've noticed a pattern however that I just don't "get". Whenever an older, White gentlemen comes up to the counter to pay for his items, I ring it all up, give him total and HE THROWS/FLINGS his credit card or money across the fucking counter!!! Now don't tell me I'm being hyper-sensitive, 'cause at one point I told myself the same thing so I watched this phenonenon VERY closely for a whole month...98 out of 100 or so older, white gentlemen THREW their damn credit cards or money at me...
So. Fucking. Rude.
Also, they people that shop there are so nasty to us sometimes, I guess they're used to having servants or something. I've taken to giving it like I get it, if you throw shit at me, I'm throwing it back at you. This always gets the "dirty look" reaction and it makes me laugh..ahahahahaha

There is one exception though: Every few weeks this GOE-JUS couple comes in and buys about $2000 worth of work-out clothes and they have NEVER been nasty to any of us. They always say please and thank anyone with "home training" would. I want them to adopt me..would that be weird?

Probably so.

On a side note..Why do the mannequins have to have erect nipples???? I always feel dirty when I have to change their shirts..eww

Friday, October 27, 2006

Beyonce Is Brilliant..did I just type that out loud??

I have a new favorite song:

Title: Irreplaceable

The Chorus

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact he'll be here in a minute

This song is fucking hilarious....

Here's some more lyrics:

To the left
To the left
To the left
Everything you own in the box to the left
In the closet that's my stuff - Yes
If I bought it ni**a please don't touch
And keep talking that mess, that's fine
But could you walk and talk at the same time

I'm going to file this under:

Just in case The Other Half gets out of pocket.

I Wonder....

Belly's not here today to eyeball my screen..WOO fucking HOOO!!

Yesterday after I confronted him, he emphatically claimed that he had not been spying on me..yeah right.
He tried to be nice to me for the rest of the day, made my skin crawl. He insisted that I look directly at him for some bullshit he was talkin about..I can't even recall what bullshit it was. As I was forcing myself to look at him, all I could think of was what kind of germs and sickness is caught up in that overgrown beard of his..eww
I can't get over his wide-eyed glare doesn't help that his thick ass glasses are round. I guess he's going for a round theme overall: Round belly, fat, round bald head, big round eyes..etc, etc

Anyway, I wonder if he actually DID see the blog. My co-worker said that if he did, we would have known by now since I say "really hateful" things about him according to her. She of course laughs OUT LOUD at these "really hateful" things though.
I keep imagining that he's hiding his anger until a later date. One day I told him that he seemed like the type that would flip the fuck out and shoot everybody in the office with a sniper rifle.
He got all flustered and mad like I insulted him (??) He claimed that with his home life, he could "take" anything.
I'll admit, his home life IS pretty fucked up. His wife (who's semi retarded according to him) refuses to take care of their 1400 kids and steals money and credit card numbers from him while he's sleeping. (She's obviously not THAT retarded) He continues to stay "for the kids sake"..ok..whatever ya big dummy.
More on his wife later..there's too much to tell for one post.

There was a food day today..thank god he wasn't here..the table would have been cleared!! Atkins Diet, My ASS!!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Keep the Party Goin'

Okay, maybe I dodged a big fat bullet. (When I first wrote this, that brilliant pun was not intended)
I confronted Belly about how he knew I had a blog and he said:
"I just kinda saw it on your screen and I wanted to try and help you out"
He's a liar and a spy..wanna know HOW I know?? Well when I DO have Blogger open, It's in a really small box at the far bottom of my screen about 3 inches wide!!
I told him that while I appreciated his "concern", I would rather that he NOT look at my screen or nose around in my area. I should have added: "And stop staring at my tits" but I didn't.

Last night I attempted to create a new blog but Blogger went down for like an hour..shit shit shit!!
I think it was a sign.

Sorry I panicked.....

Wednesday, October 25, 2006


"You know who" was invading the privacy of my cubicle again today and he caught me Blogging. I'm not sure how long he had been eyeballin' my screen or exactly what he saw but He had the nerve to chastise me and tell me about our company's "blogging" code of conduct policy!! Excuse me??
He then went on to tell me a story of how, in his previous role in the company, he had to compile info on someone who was blogging and then how he reported all of it to the person's manager..I guess they were fired because of his "investigation". I didn't bother to listen to the rest of the story, I was deaf from pissivity.

I was considering deleting this blog and creating another one..under a different a different language.. I even emailed some of my commenters and told them "It was over"
BUT part of me says:
And besides that, I only speak english..and not very well most times.
But the other part of me doesn't trust his sneaky ass (yes, if you are reading this, I mean YOU Thickums BigButt). He might run and tell management that I was mean to and had been saying mean things about him. I do still need a job, unfortunately.

As I'm typing this (from home) my rebellious side is telling him to mind his own business and that if he thinks he can "screw" me, I can "screw" him worse.
I've calmed down a little since I got home.

The reality that he would find my blog has always been in the back of my mind. I never really answered my own question of: What if someone found out that you blogged about them..and they weren't happy??


If that bastard Belly calls ONE MORE PERSON "Hey"..I'm going to kick his ass.

The last time I checked my birth certificate, My mother did not name me "Hey" or for that matter, "Hey You".
I sat and watched him say Hey to my co-worker 4 times in a row. It was obvious my co-worker was ignoring his ass like I do...yaaay co-worker!!

And another thing..stop sucking..the drink is EMPTY..what are you..five years old?????

He annoyed a whole new cube mate today. We were all sitting there..minding our own business when all of a sudden we hear a high pitched whistle as if Belly was saying "wow"..a few seconds go by and he does it again..few more seconds..MORE whistling followed by a "Whoo!!".
Finally the cube mate was FORCED to take the bait:

Cube Mate: OK!! WHAT are you whistling at!!??!!
Belly: Oh I was looking at this website and..blah blah blah..fucking blah blah

I'm so glad that it's not JUST me that he irks.

He felt the need to oggle my food again...As soon as I sat down he says:
Hmmmmm, what's for lunch???? I mumbled something and he made this whimpering sound..(??) My lunch must have looked SOOO good because He said that he was going to cheat on his diet this weekend....glad I could help.

No More Vodka On Weekdays

A friend of The Other Half's invited us to a party last night...I was sleepy and hungry but I wanted to spend time with the boyfriend so I put on my best pointy toed boots...

His friend is the CEO of Gilyard Clothing. The party was at The Warren City Club - oh my jesus, that place is fabulous. It's a private club with a NY loft feel..very sexy.
There was a nice mix of people there, Hip Hop, Neo Soul, Business suit types..etc

The party was sponsered by Belvedere Vodka so:
The DRINKS WERE FREE!! and SO WAS THE FOOD!! Always a recipe for a good time in my book.

I met the CEO's assistant, who The Other Half talks about all the time..because of her, he gets free clothes..a winner in his book. He acts like he has a crush on her or something, and once I met her, hell, I think even I have a damn crush on her. She really cool people so I must kill her. But wait, she thought my weave was my real she can live a little longer.

And the DJ even had the nerve to play some of my favorite songs:

Everything She Wants - George Michael (Damn, I used to love him. Back before he was turning tricks for truckers)
Holiday - Madonna (I swear, I'm walking down the aisle to this)
Anything - SWV (Ok, I changed my mind, THIS is the song I'm walking down the aisle to..only the remix though - My mom would probably slap my skin off)

So we danced and drank the night away..but we both felt it in the morning dammit..we're old and's sad

Damn Blogger

Damn Blogger lost my last post...don't worry, it wasn't about much except:

Belly tried to "discreetly" point that fucking thing at me again, I gave him a mean, shitty look and he sat his fat ass down.
A couple of minutes after that, his Blackberry rang..the ringtone was one of the 700 songs he theifed from my home computer when he tried to "fix" it once. He ended up fucking it up with a bootleg version of Windows XP. Me and The Other Half had to spend over $200 buying new software AND a hard drive. Thanks, Belly.....bastard!

Picture this:

Because of Belly's gut, the back of his chair has to be set back so far that it looks like he's laying down..nice Barcalounger big boy..hahahahaha
Whenever he's gone and people come by to chat with me, they make the mistake of pulling his chair up...they ALWAYS have this "WTF" look on their's heeeelarious, at least to me.

Friday, October 20, 2006

The Spy Who Loved Me..Yekk..Gag

Ok, yesterday, Belly was standing around in the middle of the and shootin the shit. (aka - getting on EVERYBODY'S nerves).
He had his raggedy little Blackberry and he wanted to take a picture of my female cube mate..she immediately covered her face and screamed NOOO!!! Me and the others laughed and I made jokes about her being on the run, America's Most Wanted etc, etc..ha ha ho ho..joke over.

Belly continued to hover over her desk while she tried to get her work done. He was making his usual lame ass attempt to make conversation with her, "playing" with his Crackberry while he chatted.
I was on the phone during this exchange, but out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that he was OBVIOUSLY pointing that fucking thing at me, but was trying to make it look like he was still "playing" with it and "chatting" with my co-worker.


Belly was out of the office today (thank ya Jesus). Near the end of our shift me and the others started our usual Friday Bullshit Hour. One of my co-workers was trying to make me pee myself by imitating Belly's man-giggle and re-enacting Belly eating a sub sandwich like a cartoon character.. Fucking HEElarious!!
Somehow we got on the subject of Blackberry PDA's and my aforementioned co-worker said that he showed her either a picture or video shot of my desk area while he was showing her pics of her that he took that day(without her fucking permission mind you). Everybody said a collective *HUH??* and wondered what the fuck he was doing taking video/pics of us. My co-worker said he told her:
"I'm just trying to figure out some of the settings [insert man-giggle here]


1. You are the damn ubergeek who knows every fucking thing on the planet, ESPECIALLY electronic shit
2. You JUST showed me 7000 boring pictures from your vacation the other day
3. TWO WEEKS AGO you basically forced me to watch a video of your cheeseball wife dancing in a field on your little device (let me tell was an experience to say the least)
4. Speaking of your vacation, you claimed to have downloaded a movie into your Crackberry and watched it on the plane (anybody who can grasp downloading and converting file types and shit ALREADY knows the settings of a PDA)

We all came to the conclusion that this weird fuck has been videotaping us and we never knew it.
Matter of fact..he was looming over my cube wall with that thing earlier in the day.
My stomach churns at the thought of him having me and my lovelies on video.

I told The Other Half about it and instead of promising to kick his ass, he pokes fun by saying: "Yeah, just think, we may see you on the internet with your head photoshopped onto a nekked body doing horse and sheep porn" (hardy har har har asscrack)

You wait 'till I see his big ass on Monday. I should spin his chair around real fast..his legs are so short he couldn't stop it!!! Unfortunately his belly might hit the edge of the desk and slice his nasty gut open..thus making a mess that we'd probably have to clean up.

Random Crap

I wonder, are there Blind golfers? Blind artists?
I was watching a show where there was a blind interior decorator. Seemed weird to me too.

Every time I think about food, I get nauseous. Maybe it's because of I mentioned yesterday, he cheated on his diet..I don't think he was ever actually on a diet, but he claims he is on Atkins.
After he ate 6300 slices of pizza, he hovered around the food table and ate half of a cake...ok, it was a small cake but full fat, full sugar chocolate cake on Atkins?? I looked it up and here's a nasty sounding version of one.
I took a page from his Food Porn handbook and looked over the cube wall while he was eating..he was in a cake was very interesting, gross and sad, but interesting.

I turned around to talk to a co-worker and soon after, I heard his high pitched snot-whistle paired with a "smacking" noise..he decided to stand up and eat over my cube wall..sit your fat ass down and stop dropping crumbs on my floor!!!!
My left ear ACTUALLY started to hurt. The frequency of his nose causes me pain..I'm serious, it does.

Anyway, back to my nausea - Maybe if I keep these feelings going, I could lose some weight..Don't get me wrong, I never actually vomit (vomiting is my pet peeve) I just feel like I want to.
Partially frozen cherry Jello is my food of choice..for the moment. By moment I mean RIGHT this moment, after lunch.
It will probably turn to partially frozen pudding this weekend. It's probably just the sugar.
Would this be considered an eating disorder??? Who knows...