Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Damn Halloween, Damn Kids, DAMN CAR!!

[There were supposed to be some pics here but as usual, Blogger is trippin']

I 'm sitting here attempting to Relax, Relate and Release as Whitley would say.

Last night after blazing home at 200 miles an hour, flinging fabulous decorations across my shitty doorway and making sure my costume was STILL looking good:

10 fucking kids came to the door...

yes, in 4 hours we only had 10 damn kids...and some of them were rude.

One child just stood there looking at me, looking at her. She finally said "trick or treat" and I reluctantly gave her candy..little heffa

After giving a different little girl THREE pieces of really good candy, she stood there looking at me, looking at the bowl, back to me, as if to say: "look bitch, you've got a HUGE fucking bowl of candy and we both know no one else is coming..gimme more candy ho!!"
I gave her the "head jerk" that said "move along little devil spawn" and I swear I heard her snap her teeth. I should have pushed her down the stairs..but that would have been wrong huh?

Some teenagers came by around 8:45. The "young man" with them had a beard thicker than Belly's!! I gave him candy anyway....what?? he had a bag and everything!

Most of the kids were very nice though. They complimented my decorations AND my faboo costume. Of course some of looked at me as if they were wondering: "What in the hell is she wearing?" but I still love the kids.

Cut to this morning:

Remember my fabulous car? Well it showed me JUST how fabulous it was today by letting one of it's brake calipers FALL OFF.
Yes I said it fell off, thus causing a $600 rim to grind to a halt in front of McDonald's this morning.
I got on the phone immediately and called The Other Half and Emergency Roadside.
So I'm just sitting there ..waiting...when and all of a sudden here comes the Sherriff...what the hell could she want???
I explained that the car would not move forward..she asked me if I could move it..I EXPLAINED AGAIN that the car would not move forward no matter how hard I gunned the engine in Drive...She told me that she HAD to call a tow truck and that I HAD to move my vehicle from the road-way...I EXPLAINED AGAIN that I already had a tow truck on the way..she just looked at me and then got on her cell phone..whoever it was on the phone told her to PUSH my car out of the way with her car..WTF??...She then proceeded to do as such...Oh.My.God.
As the big dyke cop lady pushed my car with her big as batter-ram bumper, the grinding of my $600 rim continued..after she was able to push my poor car out of the way, SHE SPED OFF with lights and sirens blaring!!....I basically just stood there in shock.

Again, WTF??

The Other Half then showed up and removed the tire (not before grilling me on "what it was that I did")
He did the customary male "stand back and look at it" move and just looked at me. I left the ratchet set in my bedroom (don't ask) so I had NO TOOLS.
The Other Half decided to go to the tire shop and ask for a wrench or something. He was met by a bunch of Good Ole Boys who wouldn't give him shit.
Meanwhile back at McDonald's...
The tow truck driver came..he smelled like weed
He took me to the brake place up the road...the mechanic looked like he was:
A. High
B. Just woke up
C. Not at all interested in what the hell I was saying

I had to leave it there since they were "busy". When I pulled up one of the guys was welding something onto one of the cars..WTF??

Anyway, before I left my baby, I threw the name of my company around a WHOLE lot..I guess it was an attempt to scare them into NOT screwing me over..didn't work, they charged me 45 damn dollars to tighten a bolt that they then charged me $2.50 for..jeesssuuuussss!!!
There goes my crack money..oh well
The Other Half got me to work only about an hour late..poor thing has a bad cold so he went home to sleep..I should have went with him, stupid me.

Did I tell you that Belly insisted on taking me to pick my car up later in the afternoon??? Yeck...I tried to get out of it but he wouldn't leave it alone add to it the fact that my cube mates kept "co-signing" ( I'll kill THOSE bitches later). Resistance was futile.

If I could have taken a picture of what he looked like in the car...oh.my.god.
God forbid he ever gets in an accident, nothing but guts all over the place..although his stomach would make a wonderful airbag of sorts. He was basically in a horizontal position. I'm not sure how we got there in one piece.
Don't even get me started on him putting his seatbelt on..it was all I could do to not fall into a heap, laughing.
I was trying to wait to put mine on 'cuz lord knows I didn't want another touching incident, but he was struggling for so long, I finally put mine on..no touching happened... thank ya jesus.

When we got there, he was trying to be all gentlemanly by saying "You sure you don't need me to go in there and crack some heads?"...uh, no..now go away..quickly.
I forgot to mention that when my car first broke down this morning, he somehow got my cell phone number (those damn co-workers) and called saying:
Belly: You need me to come down there?
Me: No, I'll be fine, The Other Half is on his way..in like five minutes and I already called a tow
Belly: You sure?
Me: Absolutely sure
Belly: You sure? 'cuz I could be there in like 5 seconds blah blah blah fucking blah
Me: NO REALLY, I'M OK!!
Belly: Okay..I was just checking 'cuz blah blah blah

I'm standing there wondering what on earth I did to deserve this fresh hell and was "saved" by the crazy sherriff lady with the big hat. I said a quick "cops are here, b...." (yeah I didn't even give him a full "bye" before jamming the END button).

I guess I should be thankful that I had a ride to pick up the car but believe me when I say: I WOULD RATHER HAVE WALKED 30 MILES in the snow..
uphill..
both ways..
with a hole in my sock
AND a rock in my shoe.

3 comments:

skinnylittleblonde said...

LOL, Last night this girl 2x my size, height & width, came to the door, not-at-all in costume. I said 'why should you get any candy...your'e not even dressed up.'
She said, 'Yes I am...I'm dressed up as a human being just trying to prostitute myself for some candy.'
I died laughing & yeah, she got some good candy.

Anonymous said...

I cannot believe your baby broke down on you! The cops are never any help AT ALL, for anything. Why didn't she give you a ride, sheeit....

You need to find out who gave Belly your cell phone # and make them wear a dunce cap all day or something. YUCK - he is SO stalking you.

Orhan Kahn said...

"look bitch, you've got a HUGE fucking bowl of candy and we both know no one else is coming..gimme more candy ho!!"

Absolute classic.