Friday, December 31, 2010

Because I am A Raging Dumbass, That's Why

Christ God, I need to post here more regularly..or something.
Ok so a couple of weeks ago, I decided to ACCIDENTALLY nearly kill myself and the baby..because I was sleepy and shit.

For the past three years I've been on insulin two types of insulin (Before that I was on oral medication for my Type 2 Diabetes but that crap gives babies birth defects).

Up until the other night, I'd never had a problem with the dosages...but I'm stupid or something.

Earlier that day my blood sugar had been low twice and all I wanted to do was sleep. I fixed the low blood sugar issues and took a 4 times.
Later on in the evening, I ate some dinner and went back to bed. I woke up at about 11:30pm knowing that I had to take my "night time" dosage of Lantus (a "long acting" insulin) and a little snack because I had already taken my normal 3 mealtime dosages of Novalog (a "fast acting" insulin)...well, um..err,um

Instead of taking 75 units of the LONG ACTING, I stood right there in my kitchen and shot up 75 units of the FAST ACTING insulin (which I'm only supposed to take 30 units of) ...
yeah.."oh shit" is right.
AS SOON as I noticed what I did, I speed dialed the Kaiser Permanente Advice Nurse and explained to her what I did...all the while, trying to hold my already fragile shit together.

She made me eat a whole bunch of crap like bread, apples and peanut butter and constantly test my blood sugar while she called my OB/GYN and then my Internist on the other line. When she got back on the phone she asked if my husband was there...

Me: Yes, why?
Huh? wha?
Oh hell....
So I wake him up out a deeeeep sleep, screaming some shit about calling 911 and get your shoes on..poor guy.
I tried to tell the nurse that I could literally see the hospital from my front door and that an ambulance wasn't necessary but she wasn't falling for such bullshit and made them come anyway...sigh...even the responding Paramedic asked me if I just wanted to have my husband drive me over there..when the nurse heard that she flipped her shit again...double sigh.
So there I am, dressed in the worst outfit I have ever thrown together, hair flying in 42 different directions, out in 30 degree weather, riding in the back of an ambulance for ONE WHOLE MILE..damn it all to hell, that one mile will cost me $100 - Thanks Kaiser Healthcare.
They put me in a nice little private room in the ER..(it had a TV and everything) so that they could monitor and poke on me.

Sadly, the kitchen was closed by the time I got there so they tried to feed me a cold ham sandwich...ummm, 'scuse me Nurse Lady, ever heard of LISTERIA!!?!!
She was all "oh, my bad"..and then proceeded to bring me an assload of graham crackers, apple juice, saltines and the nastiest ass tubs of Smuckers peanut butter I have ever eaten (gag)...they should stick to making jelly.
I probably would have caused a scene and got all diva-like..but I was worried that my mug shot would have looked like the female version of this:

And you know damn well, I couldn't go out like that....

Besides, a couple of the ER nurses looked like Chicago Bears line-backers and no one wants a mugshot like this one either:

What exactly the fuck was going THERE??
Anyway, I spent the next 7 hours watching TV and eating birthday cake from the nurse's station..because that's the level of care that they provide at my local hospital..nothing but THE BEST for me and my baby.
My poor husband tried to tough it out on the plastic chairs in the room for a few hours but I finally made him go home to try to get some sleep.
He tried to put on the obligatory "oh Honey, I can't leave you" face but I knew he burned rubber out of the parking lot on the way home that morning.
Finally my blood sugar stabilized and they cut me loose. The ER doctor told me not to take any insulin for the rest of the day..(because I obviously cannot be trusted with a syringe).
Fine by me, all I did was eat, sleep and watch TV all day..yay me.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010


I'm starting to think that pregnancy is all about piss...

EVERY time I go to the OB/GYN, I have to piss in a cup..every. damn.'s stupid but I guess it's necessary..or something

Last week, the doctor claimed to need a big ole jug of my piss for testing purposes. The thought of this made me dry heave..but he IS a doctor after all.
I went to the lab and was handed a lovely BRIGHT ORANGE piss jug in a way too small BRIGHT BLUE plastic bag...oh, so subtle.
I took it home and sat on the toilet trying to figure out just how the fuck I was supposed to maneuver:
1) All this ass
2) That big ole jug
3) A bathroom the size of a phone booth

Because I've been to WAY too many High School parties, a red plastic cup came to mind..still..big ass, small bathroom..potential disaster...or pissaster..(ok, I'll understand if you slap the taste out of my mouth over that one.)
Anywhooo, for a full 24 hours, I pissed into a cup, gagged, poured piss into a big cup, gagged again, screamed and cried while I rinsed the cup out with shower gel, bleach and scalding hot bathtub water and oh..get HAD TO STAY IN THE REFRIGERATOR!! All nice and chilled like a summer time beverage.


I had that thing bagged up like a dead body the whole time..It kept me up that night wondering if it had a leak in it...I swear, if it did, I would have bought a whole new refrigerator for that place..and we rent!
I tried to be invisible as possible while standing in line at the lab the next day..but noooo..the broad at the desk took one look at me and my "special little bag" and commenced to slapping on a bright blue latex glove...bitch..what is it with Kaiser Healthcare and these bright ass colors??

Then, if that wasn't bad enough, I went to the Perinatologist (because I'm old-like and have health issues) and they required yet another piss sample..but THIS place didn't have all kinds of cute little ledges for you to place your piss covered, itty bitty cup on...they didn't even have the little trap door thingie..(ugh, ghetto?)
So there I was, teetering over the toilet in this weird , badly lit bathroom, the nurse patiently waiting outside for me to hurry the fuck up, quads burning because I'm a lazy ass, trying to hold my pants and panties out of the piss stream with one hand, too small cup in the other,holding my shirt and sweater under my chin, head swirling from being at that weird angle for that long..and it happened..I dribbled a little on the back of my pants and panties...*gag* GOD DAMN IT ALL!!!
I teetered the cup on the slick ass sink edge - praying that it wouldn't slide off and splash all over the fucking floor..because really, that would have killed me...
I tried to blot my clothes...then I took to using the hand soap and hard ass paper towels..shiiiiit damnitttttt fuckinnn helll.
The nurse was all "Are you ok?"..and because I'm a wonderful actress, I said "Oh, just FIIIINE!".
I'm convinced that I smelled like a Skid Row wino for the rest of the exam...


And because the universe likes to kick me in the face, I found out today that they ran the wrong test on my first jug of piss and now they need ANOTHER one...

I'm almost afraid to ask "what next?"..because with my luck, it will probably be a stool sample....

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Somebody's Home...Still

Thanksgiving..we spent it in the backwoods with the in-laws...I have never laughed so hard in my life. They are some of my favorite people on this earth..weird huh?

We finally told them about the baby {insert screaming, hollering and crying here}

I was able to get about a speck of signal strength 2 out of the 4 days we were there..sigh

What else happened..ummm..hmm

Oh..yeah, I went to my official "First OB Appointment"'s been a month in the making - damn you bleeding uterus - We heard the heartbeat (cute!!) and Lil Peanut did a dance for us (showoff - OBVIOUSLY my child)

The nurse/midwife says that everything looks good in there and I guess I believe her. My blood pressure is being an asshole so they are making me double up on my meds - Oh Joy.
For some reason, they found it necessary to take FOURTEEN vials of blood from me!! - huh? By the time I got home I felt like somebody had kicked my ass all over town..and I was FREEZING. Remind me to never do that again.

Here's a pic of the spawn..and I only say that because, at certain angles, he/she looks like he/she has really, LOOK!