Friday, June 30, 2006

Oh Shut the Hell UP!!

I hate my customers.

We take calls from internal employees and I swear they treat us like dog shit..I just want to say to one of them: "Look Bitch/Asscrack, we're all on the same team"
This cow today said: "Well I hope you have a better day today than you had on this phone call, because it sounds like something is wrong with you today"
Me: (thinking) Oh Shut the Hell UP!!, You're the one who can't remember a password you JUST CREATED TWO DAYS AGO!!!! But I'm the one who has something wrong with them?? I could tell by her user ID that she has worked for the company for at least 20 years, flipping idiot.
Me: (outloud) I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that something was wrong, it's just that we get THIRTY THOUSAND of these types a call per month and sometimes it gets to be routine.
Idiot Caller: Well in this line of busines you should know blah blah blah
I'm not even sure what the cow said after a certain point, I just said the customary: "Have a nice day" and hung up.
I'm glad it's Friday..but wait, no I'm not because I have to go to my SECOND job and listen to more bullshit, this time from mall customers, on Saturday..yaaaay JOY!!
My second job (slave assignment) has gotten a new manager and his first duty of the day was to screw us..oh goodie
Now, in order to keep our fabulous 40% discount, we have to work at the store (plantation) 15 hours or more per pay period..what a load of crap...I was happy with my 4 hours of pissing around per week for barely gas money.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Soooooo Sleepy and Broke (of course)

I am the sleepiest person alive today.

I guess my body is so exhausted from eating fast and enduring stupid jokes that it just doesn't know what to do with itself.

I'm broke again..what else is new huh?

I was looking in O magazine a saw an advertisement for BiPolar disease..why is it that all of the symptoms apply to me:

Racing thoughts
Spending out of control
Sleeping less
Talking too fast

I asked my pod mates and they think I'm crazy but not BiPolar...whatever that means

If I don't see a dentist soon, it's gonna get ugly but the last time I got a cleaning, the technician chastised me so bad, I never wanted to go back. Crazy Lady!!

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Food Porn


I think Belly wants to watch me eat so he can get off or something.
I tried to eat my lunch in Peace today - NO SUCH LUCK ..Belly attempted to strike up a convo at least 5 TIMES in my measly 45 minute lunch..the whole while leaning over my damn wall.

Cut to 3 hours of ignoring his dumb jokes and man-giggle later......

I'm sitting here minding my own damn business but all I get is fresh hell.
Another team had leftover food from a party and invited everybody over to finish it off..not one to be wasteful, I fixed a little plate of beans, potato salad and a BBQ sandwich. I was all ready to enjoy my 15 minute break alone IN PEACE when who comes bounding in from lunch..yes everyone, it was BELLY.
I didn't even have to turn around to know he was leaning over my damn wall because his SNOT WHISTLE was on FULL flippin' BLAST.
He actually stood there for a full 60 seconds before saying "that's a nice side plate ya got there" (insert weird man-giggle here)
I said "thanks" with a sort of question mark and waited for his ass to sit down and leave me alone...BUT NOOOOOOO!! He stood there another minute (seemed like a damned eternity) with his snot whistle then he finally sat down.

It was all I could do to not throw my plate at him. I stupidly felt like I had to eat all fast because I was worried he would stand up and jizz if he saw me chew a bean...WEIRDO!!!

MUST..KILL..HIM..NOW...somebody call the authorities!!!
OK sissies, I'm not really going to kill him, but I'll dream about it for sure.

But wait, I have to find a way to maim his ass before he leaves for vacation...

Just think, a whole week of:
eating in peace
not having to fake snicker at stupid obscure jokes/references/songs
real snickering at how big his gutness is

Wow, it's gonna be great..but who will I make fun of all week...must..think...

I was so pissed by the end of the day that I accidentally shut down this screen and had to come home and re-blog....Shite Shite Shite

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

PMS is Great

I like being mean and having PMS. It's such a nice excuse..but it usually backfires and men bring it up when you're not even on your period.
Say I'm pissed about a male co-worker's shoddy ass work. All of a sudden I get.."Dang!! Are you PMSing!!??"

Speaking of back-firing, I'm just now realizing that I shouldn't have eaten that 33 cent frozen chicken burrito last night..followed by the pizza rolls and banana pudding..ouch..the acid/bubble guts

It's amazing what someone will say in their blog but wouldn't say anywhere else out loud isn't it?? haha

Monday, June 26, 2006

Cold Stone Nastery aka Dairy is not your friend

Had a good weekend, except for my journey to Cold Stone Creamery..ewww

I have a pregnant friend who absolutely adores that place, even before she was pregnant!!
So anyway, while we were by the mall, she kept saying, "mmm, baby needs ice cream, now now now.

We walked in and since it was my first time, she explained how it worked, what I could add..etc.
I decided on the middle size, which at the time looked manageable. Boy, was I wrong. The little girl behind the counter scooped out this HUGE portion and started mixing in all kinds of stomach was hurting looking at it but my friend was treating and she seemed excited to be there.

At the cash register, it came up to about $10 (!!!). WTF?? For Ice Cream?
I was all prepared to dive in (as long as it stayed cold and hard, I HATE soupy ice cream) but my friend INSISTED on sitting outside...what??? We live in a very hot southern state with slavery-type heat 8 months out of the year...and every time I go somewhere..there's always that one crazy fool that wants to "sit on the patio"!!!

So I go along with the plan, cuz she paid and is pregnant and all. Right as we sat down, my ice cream started to melt..oh shit, I'm thinking. I start scarfing it down (trying to keep up with a skinny person with an obvious tape-worm is a burden) in an attempt to stave off the soupiness I hate, but nooooo, it just kept melting.
She kept asking: "Isn't this the best thing you ever ate IN YOUR LIFE????"
Me: (Thinking) Must...Vomit...Right..NOW
I kept smiling and nodding. She had already finished hers in a feat of human nature that I just can't understand and I was literally gagging by the end.

But I'm A SOLDIER dammit!! I finished most of it and thank god she offered to drive home, I had to sit at an angle of sorts just to get through the pain ripping through my bowels. I didn't eat for the rest of the day - and for me... that's sayin' somethin'

Thursday, June 22, 2006


I'm broke and I don't care who knows it.

How the hell did I end up $435 IN THE MINUS in my checking account??
What about Savings you ask?? Well that has a total of $4 in it.
Woo Hoo, I am the bomb ain't I?

Payday will be nice...well not really since I'll be $435 IN THE MINUS.

Super Crunch

I have a hate that's building in me right now that I don't know if I can control.
We're having a potluck today - Mexican Theme.
Belly has gotten into the mexican dip whole-heartedly!! The crunching sounds coming out of hit fat mouth are flipping AMAZING!! people are actually standing up and peering over their cubicles to witness the crunch-fest.
Then to make shit worse, he's over there singing songs about the dip and I swear he is whispering "sweet nothings" in the dip's ear. What a damn weirdo.

I mean, I'm a bigger girl and I love food as much as anybody..but he doesn't seem to care who's looking at him or what a blubbo he looks like. Have some restraint for christsakes!!

He's still on the campaign to get me to look him in the eye..ewww
He chortles along with his giggle.

Ok changing the subject, Martha Stewart is nuts. Am I really supposed to roast these strawberries in the oven for 1.5 hours JUST to make a damn cheesecake?? Then if that's not bad enough, I then have to bake the cheesecake for another hour plus...dammit Martha
THEN..She wants us to make our own marshmallows AND graham crackers for flippin s'mores.
My theory is that when Martha is at home..all alone, she eats canned Hormel chili and drinks Pabst Blue Ribbon by the case..just a theory.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006


OK , his breath smells like ass crack and toe jamb!!
I'm trying to find my happy place so I won't vomit.
Why is it that people who eat Taco bell for lunch every day can't seem to find a damn breth mint afterwards. I'm trying to not make comments or ask questions of co-workers so he won't feel the need to lean over the wall and blow hot assness all over my neck. BUT NO!! He keeps finding reasons to peek over and blowwwww nasty. Oh he comes again, and he's laughing all loud with an open stomach is bubblin'

Stop leaning over my damn wall!!

It's like 1:30 and I'm JUST starting my freakin blog!! "Belly" has been leaning over my cube wall all day..just staring..giggling..occasionally eating something and spewing bullshit, useless info and crumbs all over the place.
Everytime I attempt to type something hateful..there he is, with his weird beady yet wide-eyed look.

My stomach hurts as usual..damn acid reflux. Maybe it's all this hate I'm holding inside.
As I said before, I should cuss people out more often.

I think I'll go home and drink a lot tonight. I want a Pina Colada or a Margarita..mmmmm, Drinks.

Work is interfering with my blogging.

I wonder if other people get "Blog Guilt". Sometimes I feel bad that I talk about Belly the way I do for instance. I wonder what people would say if they knew this blog was about them

Ok sappy ass moment OVER!!!! Who gives a shit!!

Whew, I feel better.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Weekend Stalker

So I'm chillin', eating dinner on the possesed demon couch on Friday evening and I hear the annoying ringing of the phone.
Who could it be?? I'm chillin dammit!!

Well it was "Belly"!!
What the hell could he want?? He starts asking me about obscure crap at work and if I gave his number to some temp broad (that he was flirting with, mind you) that day. He says "yea I told her to ask you for my number" Little did he know that I had incinerated his number months ago (a story for another day)
I said: No, (Insert co-worker's name here) had it so I sent her over there. You would think the conversation would have been over at that point BUT NO!! He continued on, asking me more obscure shit about work, moving, etc etc
This went on for nearly an hour..I need to start acting more like my "Blog Self" and not my usual "too nice self". I think it would serve me better in this life.

I continue on with my perfectly sedentary weekend, laying around with the boyfriend, eating donuts and Lo and around 10pm on a FREAKIN' SUNDAY, the damn phone rings...It's BELLY again!!
I'm getting "the look" from the boyfriend now...
Belly: Hey Linka72, do you remember the name of that software you were looking at a few months ago about blah blah blah..
Me: (Thinking) are you fucking nuts??
Me: (Outloud) Uh, actually it was a website, maybe you could look on google and use some keywords...blah blah blah
Me: (Thinking) If I wanted to do tech support, I would slept at the office, jackass
At this point I'm pretty much done but this wieirdo kinda keeps hanging on till I give the obligatory "All right then". He sounded all disappointed..with his married ass.. EWW!!

This morning he's doing his usual leaning over the cube wall..giggling and shit.
At lunchtime, he's all interested in my lunch..STOP OGGLING MY FOOD FAT ASS!!

Friday, June 16, 2006

Soccer Mom/Kept Woman Rant

Ok let me start by apologizing (sort of) to all of the Soccer Moms/Kept Women - whatever

I work in a a upper middle class/really rich neighborhood. Every morning I see these stupid cow women in there huge SUV's, Hybrids or Minivans driving around all slow and shit talking on their DAMN CELL PHONES (who the hell could you be talking to??). You heifers are in my way and I have a few rules for your sorry behinds.

1. Stay off of the road and out of the way of actual working people during these times: Morning rush hour, LUNCH TIME and evening rush hour. If you don't work,you shouldn't be on the roads.

2. GET OFF THE PHONE!! Are you talking to fellow home-makers, brain-storming a way to tie up more traffic?

3. Touching on point #1, get out of the Fast Food drive thru lanes during the times stated above. Also, I don't want you in restaurants OBVIOUSLY frequented by office workers at LUNCH time. You need to be at home cooking for your children or least get your nanny/au pair/chef to do it and stay your butt at home.

4. Take those damn tennis outfits off with your big fake bolt-on boobs and bottle blonde hair.
But I guess they're thinking "What better way to flaunt my wealth/slack assness, than to wear a tennis skirt and Dri-fit top in the middle of the day??"

5. DRIVE THE DAMN SPEED LIMIT at least. Touching on point #2, if you weren't on the phone or turned completely around tending to little Connor/Emma/Skyler at the light, you'd see that the light has changed and you're making me late for work!!

Whew what a release...Maybe I secretly want to be a soccer mom/kept woman

I'm Tired today..Gimme tha Couch (let's name it Christine)

After being in the heat most of the day yesterday, I feel like someone's been kicking my ass. I'm sitting here at work dreaming about my couch. Wouldn't it be nice just to lay down and watch the soaps right now??

But no, I'm here at work taking calls from idiots who can't create a password to save their damn lives!!!!
Some examples I'd like to give them:


Mondays are especially hellish for us. These people smoke crack/weed/meth all weekend and then attempt to remember a password that they have been using for a WEEK at least. I know, I'm asking too much of them. It's got to be so difficult to remember the name of that ugly little bastard offspring of yours after such a full weekend of wholesome activities such as:
Weed wacking etc etc

Oh..but I digress. Back to the couch. I bought my couch at Rooms to Go 6 years ago..Hey, I thought I was a big baller back then..I paid cash for the whole set: Sleeper Sofa, "Chair and a Half", two end tables w/lamps and a coffee table with a glass insert.

I slept on the sleeper sofa part once..Satan was there and he broke my spine.

I lay on the couch a lot, the cushions are getting all squished and there a little rip holes from the from the frame of the sofabed..piece of crap.
I sometimes wake up on that couch and feel like the couch beat me while I was sleeping. We refer to it at my house as "The couch bit me". The amazing thing is that other people who visit and sleep on it LOVE IT!!! WTF ??
Maybe the couch is like that the car in that movie Christine. It hates only me. (insert scary music here)

Thursday, June 15, 2006

End of the day - Finally

The picnic's over and damn was it hot outside!! The devil was actually sitting next to me eating cole slaw.

I smell like a wilderbeast's nuts under my arms..Deodorant is a joke. I hope my co-workers can't smell me. Hell, they stink too

Ok It's a new day

We're having the company picnic today. Yay Howdy!! No really, it's just an excuse to get off the phones for me. Plus, there will be barbeque and barbeque makes everything alllllright.

"Belly" kept trying to get me to look at him again today by telling me some weird story about a relative. I try to avoid looking him in the face because he takes that as encouragement to talk to me more and he has these beady eyes but a wide eyed crazy look.

Is it mean to judge other fat people who are fatter than you? Sometimes I look at Belly and thank my stars that my stomach isn't that big. I wonder if he can still get to his dangle-dongle. I'm pretty sure he can't see it, except for in the mirror...Ewww

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Why are people SO interested in what my fat ass is eating?

I'll be walking to the lunch room to heat up my food and all down the damn aisle.."whatcha got? what's for lunch? Ooooh that looks good!!!"
One cow actually had the nerve to come over to me, look at my mostly healthy meal and say: "Dang, you're eating healthy, I always count on you to have the junk food lunch so I can feel better about myself." I smiled and continued to each..what I shoulda said was.."GET OUT OF MY FACE HO!!!" but I'm far too nice.

Another thing:
One day the co-worker from my previous post, let's call him BELLY. Well Belly is talking with our podmate aboout about sandwiches and during the conversation he names a hot sandwich place and the podmate has never heard of it, this fat f**k says "oh, ask linka72, she should know where it is". As if all big girls such as my self would know where all the local sandwich shops are!!! Like I said, he makes really stupid assumptions about fat people. He's "newly" fat and I guess he just can't deal. Face big gut, you're fat....

Okay, It's near the end of the day...

and I have not killed him. I'm as surprised as you are.
He breathes REAL hard and loud through his nostrils like Tony Soprano. I guess it's better than being a mouth breather.

People who call for tech support are dumb. Why would you call somewhere and then dispute everything the tech tells you to do
Me: Sir, your Windows account is showing as locked out
Dummy: What? No!! I have never entered my password incorrectly
Me: (In my Head) You know damn well that is the only way you can get locked out of Windows..dumbass, Our system gives you SIX DAMN TIMES to get it right before locking you out.

And so on and so forth...NEXT CALL

He might get choked today..

I work in a tech support call center and I have a co-worker I might choke.
My hate for him grows each day and I KINDA feel bad about it. This seems to be the only place I can share my irritation.

Here is a list of things I can't stand:
For one, he's about 100 pounds overweight with a HUGE STOMACH but makes horrible mean assumptions and comments about plus sized women
(I'll start numbering now)
2. He has a continuous snot whistle that sounds like a piccolo
3.He's too cool to have a lid on his cup but drinks from a straw...gets down to the bottom of the drink and CONTINUES TO SUCK..damn annoying
4.Think he knows EVERY GOD DAMN THING ("Computer problem? Well maybe it's the discombobulator..I know cuz I have one..blah blah blah). I'm going to start calling him "Two-Cents" and see if he catches on.
5. Every time I eat something, he feels the need to lean over the cube wall and strike up a stupid conversation or sometimes..he'll just stare at me and my food with a weird nerd smile.
6.Takes the liberty to shorten my if he knows me like that
7.He giggles...a grown freakin' man that giggles, I just can't take it.
8. He tries to find ways to talk about if
9. HE GIGGLES!!!! He also has a fat man chortle that I just can't take. I wish there was sound in this blog, I'd record it.
10. He sings really obscure songs that should (in his opinion) relate to whatever we’re talking about and expects you to giggle with the same vigor that he does.
Besides this, he has a wife who is named after a fabric and he basically says she's mildly retarded. I think he's exaggerating but who knows.
He claims to always be on some low carb diet but are Donuts and McDonald's fries on Atkins???
He looks down his nose at me because I'm not married, like his marriage is so great. He says she trapped him into marriage by having a baby and he doesn't even know if it's his. (???)She steals money from him while he's sleeping and has "emotionally" cheated on him. Yeah, you're a whole lot better than me!!

I should call this blog "My Co-Workers Suck"

There's this lady a couple of rows down that I used to sit near. She disputes EVERYTHING I say. For instance:
Me: The sky is blue
Bitch Co-Worker: What?? You're stupid!! the sky is OBVIOUSLY purple!

2 years ago (yes, I cannot clear it from my mind) I came in to the office pissed as usual about traffic. I expressed how stupid it was that people did not turn their lights on when it was raining and overcast or dreary outside, especially people with grey cars who are in my blind spot. She proceeded to yell: IF YOU CAN"T SEE A CAR COMING, YOU REALLY NEED TO GET YOUR DIABETES CHECKED!!
What the f**k does that have to do with my diabetes?? Flippin weirdo.
The group I sit near then started to discuss how it is a law in our state and she AGAIN proceeded to yell: What?? That's STUPID, IT IS NOT A LAW.
We're all thinking: Bitch, it's in the New Driver's book and there are signs ALL OVER the state that say: LIGHTS ON WHEN RAINING... you silly rabbit.

Now I said all that to say this:
Today in the lunch room, we were discussing meat. I said that I don't like the smell of cooking ground turkey and she yells (as usual) WHAT SMELL, IT DOESN'T SMELL??
Her main goal is to make me look stupid. I usually hate it when men say this but, she needs some d**k. Miserable old hag.