Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Ricola Beat Down

Belly is back from his vacation..can you imagine a road trip with 4 kids and a ditzy wife?? I would have murdered somebody by now.

Belly has a nasty cold of some sort..probably got it from one of his crumb-snatchers.
I swear if he coughs ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to shove a bag of couch drops in mouth and tape the fucker shut!!

It's bad enough that he has shit he's blowing it all over the office..Thanks Belly

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Oh, The Holidays..Part 2 And So On

Okay, I was finally able to get away from that little bastard from my last post...

This week has been hectic and hellish.

Thanksgiving in the boondocks was great. Fried Turkey is my new boyfriend, don't tell The Other Half.
I did have one "country livin' " faux pas though:

It was 5:30 in the morning when all of a sudden I hear a BOOOOM!!! I thought a transformer blew but I could still see the street lights. Then I heard BOOM BOOOOOM CRACK CRACK BOOM!! Oh SHIT, They're shooting outside!!! I ran into the living room where my father-in-law to-be was watching TV and announced loudly:
They're BUCKIN' (shooting, for the ebonically challenged)...GET DOWN!!!
He calmly looked over at me and said:
Baby, huntin' season starts today around's're safe here...
I know he must have thought I was dumb as a box of fucking rocks..hell, where I'm from..shooting is NOT good.

The Other Half was a groomsman in YET ANOTHER wedding that was not our own.
I would just like to say for the record that After Hours Formal Wear can kiss my entire ass..they are so ass-backwards there. When we got there, he tried the (horribly ghetto, cream colored, knee length) tuxedo jacket on...great, it's about 3 sizes too big...uh, didn't they measure you TOH?? of course they did..but I guess they were high when they did it.
Apparently they also took his hip measurement as his waist measurement so the pants were hovering dangerously around his lower ass crack. Nice.
Instead of re-measuring him, The lady behind the counter just looked at him and said "I got it, we'll make the changes, come back tomorrow"....WTF???

So we left and tried to go on with our weekend...

TOH went to the bachelor party and I went with my pregnant friend to spend the night in Columbia so we could wake up like jackasses and shop on Friday morning...what the hell wee we thinking???

Friday afternoon TOH goes back to Crackhead Formal Wear and guess what...THE JACKET STILL DOES NOT FIT!! Could it be that the "eagle eyed" broad behind the counter didn't measure the shit the last time?? Could Be.
She had the nerve to tell him to come back A THIRD TIME!! I'm thinking to myself: Ok..this tux will be SO free!!

Finally the next day, TOH gets the tux..and we meet up at the church..I have to admit it all came together quite well considering it was a cream tux with a long jacket..did I tell you the wedding party was 40 people strong?? How pretentious. My people can be so ghetto, I swear.
I promise you, about half of them sang a damn song during the wedding..I started to think we were at a concert for god's sake.
The groom even sang..yeah, you heard right. He sounded horrible but I thought it was so cute that he loved her enough to sing her down the aisle.
Speaking of God..the visiting preacher started speaking in tongues during one of the 4000 prayers..kinda scary.

At one point, one of the four HIRED singers had backup singers..WTF?? I can't even recall any vows being said ....all that damn head was pounding.
The wedding programs had ALL sorts of misspellings such as TOOKED for took and REALAYZED for realized. WTF?? I looked at the credits and some ghetto "design" company had done the programs..ooookaaayy, Spell Check much??
I wouldn't had paid for that shit, you can rest assured.

After the wedding we found our way to the reception..more ghettoness. We sat there for 30 minutes before anybody even said anything about food being served..jeeeees!! Once we got through the buffet line we were already contemplating Taco Bell value meals...Is that SUPPOSED to be roast beef??..looked nasty and tasted worse..the ushers and bridesmaids were hoarding the chicken wings in the back of the kitchen like vultures and the fruit was all old and mushy....this is why I'm thinking of eloping.

We left there and went to TOH's brother's house about an hour away. His new baby is absolutely fabulous and I'm going to steal her. TOH is totally in love with her but refused to admit that he wanted us to have a baby too..Men.
We spent the night and had lunch with them before leaving for home.....HERE'S WHERE EVERYTHING WENT BAT SHIT:

On the way out of the driveway I realized I left my purse at their house so I ran back to get it...TOH then realizes that he can't find his wallet..that contains everything including his birth certificate (??) big deal we think..maybe it's in his jeans in the trunk (we went straight back to CrackHead Formal Wear and returned the tux and he changed into his street clothes in their dressing room)

We tore the car apart

We tore our luggage apart

We tore the guest room and bathroom apart




Somewhere in the last 1000 miles, he has lost a wallet that had pretty much EVERYTHING in it..including MY FUCKING CHECK CARD!!!!(long story, don't ask)

We drove an hour out of our way in an attempt to retrace our steps..nothing

Since then I have called the church, the stupid tux place, 3 gas stations and mall security..still nothing. TOH is pissed, he swears he put it in the car door compartment at the church so he wouldn't have to carry it in his tux..he says he might have had it in his pocket at the tux place when he returned it...but...he can't remember

I already called the Crackhead Tux Joint several times, they claim they still can't find it...Idiots.

Anyway, I've tried to not act pissed about the wallet around TOH, it was his birthday when this happened.
I cancelled my check card yesterday and TOH seems to be dragging his feet about canceling all of his stuff..keep it up jackass..let 'em steal your identity, fool.

So we had a good time until Sunday..then it sucked ass..awww hell.

I'm still forming my refund request letter for After Hours Formal Wear..I'll let you know how that goes.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Oh...The Holidays

I'm delirious..I, like an ass woke up at 3:30am with my pregnant friend and hit the stores..Best Buy was a joke..we were so far back in line, it was discouraging and sad..but we kept saying our motto of the day:


Ok, I have to go now..There is a "Belly" that is about 5 years old lurking over my shoulder. He has just annouced to the entire house that I typed a "Bad Word"....sit down ya little bastard..who's kid are you anyways ?....
I'll be back later

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

More Man Candyx2

God Damn It..Wentworth Miller is one hot son of a bitch.
He's kind of on the "pretty side" but he could get "it" if he asked nicely.
According to the net he's:
London born-Brooklyn raised Miller is part African-American, Jamaican, English, German, French, Dutch, Syrian, and Lebanese. Damn, that's a lot.

On a side note, Dominic Purcell could get "it

You Still STANK

This morning I was reading my email when I noticed a "noise" coming from above me. Yes, it was Belly, leaning over the cube wall..lips smacking...eating his yougurt/shit chip concoction..slurping...more nasty was the nastiest noise I've heard in at least 2 weeks...(Shut Up Orhan)
I shot a shitty look out of the corner of my eye and he sat his fat ass stomach is still churning from the noise.

Me and my co-worker witnessed a good 3 minutes of ass scratching from him today...he doesn't even really have an ass funny co-worker made me vomit a little by imagining how hairy and stinky he must be under the "fold" of his gut. She said it probably smells like potted meat...EWWWW
If he even attempts to touch anything I own, I'll stomp a mud hole in his ass.

Ten bucks says Belly cheats on his "diet" and ends up eating an ENTIRE turkey..bones and all. I wonder if 3 whole pies and 4 pans of dressing are permitted on the Fatkins Diet?

I just saw him in the break room...eating a BIG ASS bag of battered's he's gotten into the cookies...nice diet..I think I'll get on it too!!

We're trying to figure out how to tell him his breath smell like hot, raw sewage. One of my cube mates offered him a mint the other day and he refused, the co-worker insisted but Belly refused AGAIN..dumb ass can't take a hint.
So since I love a challenge, I offered him one just now..he refused it. He said: "Naw, I'm cool"...uh NO YOU'RE NOT!! I'm going to leave some mints in his drawer to see if he notices.

Me and The Other Half will be on vacation starting tomorrow and we'll be back on Monday..almost a week without Belly's irritating ass..I'm so damn happy, I might actually sing a song.
Hopefully there will be a computer around so that I can blog about my dysfunctional in-laws to be

Happy Thanksgiving everybody..Don't kill anyone while I'm gone!!!

Monday, November 20, 2006

You Stank

Notice I didn't say "stink"..this is way past "stink", it has now become STANK

Something in Belly's "area" smells like cigarettes, ass and Spam.

I let it slide for about an hour but after that, I just HAD to say something. He claimed it was an open meat container in his trash can and that he had closed it so he "can't understand why you smell anything"..shut up Stank Ass Belly.

I kept bothering him about the smell by complaining loudly and recruiting others who smelled it. ha hahahaha..he got all pissed and claimed to tie the trash liner in a knot...didn't help...when he went to inhale his lunch in the break room, I held my breath and switched his trash can with one in a vacant cube..yeckkkkk!! Sadly, we then noticed that a stench was ALSO coming from his jacket..shower much lard face???
I immediately fogged my entire area with fake CK1 body spray....what? It was better than "Belly Stank"!

Woo Hoo!! Fajita Night!!

I made fajitas last night..and of course you know, YOU MUST HAVE FRUITY, FROZEN DRINKS with's a head hurts this morning..wonder why?

Me and The Other Half hashed out the whole "He could have been killed" incident on Friday. He says he spoke witht he guy that accused him and they're friends again..whatever..don't ever let that bastard around me OR my house because I promise you..It will be a long day for his ass.

We mostly sat around and watched reality TV..The Girls Next Door is so damn funny...Hef is one old mothertrucker...imagine his wrinkly ass all up on you..yeck!

Something's Fishy

Belly just informed us that the cameras he installed are HIDDEN CAMERAS!!! Silly me, I thought his kids knew about the cameras.
What kind of sick fuck secretly videotapes his family? And another do we know he hasn't installed them in their bedrooms??? He has a 17 year old Step-Daughter that I would be concerned about.

What a fucking weirdo....

Thursday, November 16, 2006

I'd Do Him - Man Candy Of The Day

Common (that's his rap name) is SO damn fine..In a granola, vegetarian "we don't wear leather" kind of way. Still, he could "get it".

You Need A Listerine Suppository..

We had a staff meeting today..Belly INSISTED on asking 73,000 irrelevant the end of it, I'm sure my face was purple from his shit breath "fogger bomb" .

My co-worker nearly made me do a spit gag with my coffee with her comments about Belly's..well.. belly. It's SO big that he almost can't help but to cross his hands across it..It's like a handy tray table..
She proceeded to make a drawing that I just HAVE to post in my cubicle.
We also cackled on the way back about him having to lift that son of a bitch up just to piss..Just imagine the pestilence and death that's trapped under there on a hot day....oh.the.comedy.


Are Krispy Kreme Glazed Mini Crullers on the Atkins Diet?

Oooh Look!!

Didn't think so..Belly just pounded down an entire bag in one sitting. At one point he tried to offer me one but I said no.

I told him that I liked "real" crullers from Dunkin' Donuts (see pic below)

..he got all pissed and said the store he got his from was way easier to get to in the morning (so fucking what..sit down, boy??!!) It makes me laugh to know that he thinks I'm an ungrateful bitch.
He then felt the need to try to make us all feel sorry for him cheating on his diet during the above-mentioned staff it was our fault or something. He was eating some sort of concoction made of yogurt and shit chips during the meeting..nasty smacking noises for at leat 20 minutes..ewww, people kept looking at him but he didn't care.

I can't wait to ask him tomorrow what he witnessed on his surveillance camera..what a damn weirdo.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Men Are Stupid

The Other Half (TOH) could earn a degree in Silent Treatment with a double minor in Witholding Affection and Avoidance
Actually he could both teach the class AND write the textbook.

He's been pissed off at me since I pulled a "Crazy Bitch" (according to him) move this weekend.
Here's what happened:

Saturday night he told me the story of how one of his friends had been robbed the previous day. The robber roughed up the guy's kids including a baby. This guy says that he saw OUR car driving away from the scene as if to say The Other Half robbed him...I know, WTF???
Even though he is a "former thug", The Other Half is SOOO not "that guy".

A mutual friend of theirs then calls TOH at home on Saturday and says that there is a bounty on his head so to speak and that they're going to "get his ass"...again, WTF???

Long story short, they finally find out that the robber was a close friend of the victim's from NewYork and now everything is squashed and TOH is off the hook.....uh..Thanks?

So TOH let's the day progress, we go to our friend's house in separate cars, have some drinks and pizza, she took my weave out, we watched TV..blah blah blah.
I decided to go home and he said he wanted to stay a while longer. He called home at around 1:30 am saying he was going to play pool with (we'll call him) Bubba, Bubba just happens to be one of the assholes that accused TOH of being a home invader just a few hours ago....yeah, stupid huh?
I asked if he thought that was a good idea and he dismissed me as if to say "run along silly girl, shoo".
I somehow dozed off and woke up in a damn panic around 3:30am - of course his ass wasn't home yet..I called his cell phone at leat 10 answer...Now I've got all kinds of horrible scenarios floating around in my head like they lured him out there to set him up and now he's dead in a ditch.
After a couple of minutes (it doesn't take me long to panic) He calls back all calm and cool:
TOH: What's up?
Me: What the fuck do you mean "what's up?"
TOH: Why are you trippin' ?
Me: WHERE ARE YOU?? You said you'd be home in 30 minutes..that was like 2 hours ago
TOH: ( I'm just so tedious) I told you who I was out with, What's the problem?
Me: THAT"S EXACTLY THE PROBLEM!! How the hell are you going to be "hanging out" with the guys that just accused you of robbing them?? I'm scared asshole, you JUST told me a story of how you were nearly killed and I'm supposed to be OK with that {Insert screaming and crying here}
TOH: are completely over-reacting and I'm hanging up..CLICK..

Gasp..clutch the pearls..that asshole hung up on me...somebody will die before sun up.

He gets home a while later..I can feel him staring at the back of my head..I gave him the evil eye and turned back over.
He slept on the couch and probably hasn't said 15 words to me since what.

Ok, I say "so what" but what I really mean is: PLEASE TAKE ME BACK!!, DON'T BE MAD!! I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT YOUR DUMB ASS
But I'd never admit it to HIM..whaddya crazy?


We're speaking again..He's got a bad cold and probably just wants sympathy..that was a mean thought..but I'm mean, remember?

A Weekly Occurence

It seems that cussing that bastard out is going to be a weekly occurence.
They had Roast Beef and Mashed Potatoes in the cafeteria today..mmmmhmm.
I made my way there and back all happy about my lunch when of course, Belly's "big girl with a snack" radar went off.
He tried to disguise his staring with some bullshit story about one of his old business partners...whatever asshole.
As he loomed over my desk blowing warm, shit breath all over my lunch, my stomach literally LURCHED..I tried to ignore it and wave the smell of my lunch under my nose, but his breath was winning the battle.
He started with:
Belly: That sure looks good Linka72
Me: (Thinking) fuck off fatty
Belly: That smells REAL GOOD, and it looks good too {insert heavy breathing here} Look at those potatoes.....
Me: I swear to God, if you don't stop staring at my fucking food, I promise you I'll..
Belly: Dang, I'm just sayin..the smell is what made me stand up and take a look.blah blah fucking blah {insert ridiculous man-giggle here}

So now, here I sit, feeling nauseous and with the smell of his shit breath clinging to me.

Belly - Thanks for ruining my damn lunch. "Preeeshate" it.

You CAN'T Be Serious

Belly informed us that over the weekend, he installed motion-sensored surveillance cameras INSIDE his house.

I know..WTF?

I asked him if it was because his kids were sneaking out at night and he said "No"..he didn't really offer much more than "after-school, latch-key issues".
My co-worker joked that it was because his Wife was sneaking out at night...Belly got really pissed off but of course WE laughed our asses off..must've hit a nerve!!

He's probably got some sort of weird shit going on in his house..He's already made it apparent that he likes to video us so...Me and the cube mates just made a pact to NEVER use the bathroom at his house..(as if we would EVER go over there).

My co-worker just reminded me of a time she and another co-worker met Belly's wife...fucking hilarious:

She said they were standing there chit-chatting and Belly's wife started talking about something and she started to The broad was actually staring into the ceiling like she was fascinated by something then ALL OF A SUDDEN!!, she literally "snapped" out of it, like God slapped her or something, then went back into lucid conversation.
My co-worker said it was all she could not to laugh OUT LOUD in her face.
They said it was the strangest thing they had ever witnessed...
I make her tell the story at least once a week, she acts it out and everything, just so I can come close to pissing myself..oh. the. comedy!!

Monday, November 13, 2006

I Am Such A Rockstar

Friday I worked at the club again. This time it was for a Rockstar Energy Drink function. They showcased some "local" type bands. I was able to see only one of them, EchoValve. Here's their site.
They were pretty good. (and shut up!! - I DO know a little something about rock music)
The lead singer was an iron deficient, guyliner wearing kind of way, and he sang well.

I wanted to get some free samples..(cuz that's what I do). When I got to the booth, the guy tried to make me a Jager Bomb..uh, no ..I'm on the clock..he didn't seem to care so I had to INSIST on him not making me that damn drink..jees

I worked MY OTHER job the next day..pretty celebrities came through but I did get a bastard credit card usual. I openly sarcastically laughed in his face..he had no clue what the problem was....asshole

Took my weave out on Saturday night at my friend's house. The Other Half said that was ghetto..whatever, stupid

Got the weave REdone on Sunday..ouch, my hair hurts, again.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

The Last Straw..I Mean Fry

Ok people, I finally cussed him out......

Here I am, minding my OWN FUCKING BUSINESS when Belly decides to stand up and stare at me some more.
I wasn't feeling so hot so I got some fries from the cafeteria. I was just about to dig in when I heard the snot whistle. Great.
Then if that wasn't bad enough, he says (in the nastiest, porn tone) " God...those fries look goooood...really goooood"
I turned around and said:
"Will you PLEASE STOP staring at my damn food???!!!???"
He looked shocked, then embarassed. He tried to laugh it off (because everybody was looking at him) and say "Dang, I'm sorry..excuuuuuse me"

Fuck you Belly.

Later on, he tried to make small talk by reading us stupid online news stories.
Belly: WOW!! Look at this, they're making deep fried Pizza now
Everyone Else: *silence*
Belly: Eww, deep fried pizza, who would eat something like that?
Everyone Else: (Thinking) Your fat ass would...
Belly: I mean that just sounds gross, batter fried..blah blah blah fucking blah...
Everyone Else: (Thinking) Shut the hell

He went on for about 10 minutes on how weird/gross deep fried pizza would be and how he "just couldn't imagine eating something like that"

I'm going to punch him in his throat tomorrow..I really am.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Such A Nerd....

It's amazing how Belly lies.

Me and Sweetie were having a discussion about a caller who admitted that his child broke his PDA. We started talking about things that we broke as children WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, Belly butts in and says: "When I was little I took a train transformer THEN I put in in a metal bowl,THEN I put a live cricket in the bowl so I could test the polarity of blah blah fuckin' blah....."

What in the fuck is he talking about?

I can just imagine his little fat, nerdy, coke bottle glasses wearing ass reading Popular Science and picking his nose.

I'm going to maim him soon...really I am.

A Whole New World

We recently had some cubicle changes and now we have a couple of new cube mates. Unfortunately, I was not set to move and neither was Belly, why does the universe curse me in this way?

Anywhoo... For the past week, each morning when I come in, I notice that our new cube mate - We'll call her Sweetie - has "a look" on her face.

A look that I can only describe as "strained" and somewhat angry. I asked her what was wrong and she said:
I'm sure you can imagine what fucker she is referring to.

It seems that Sweetie made the mistake of saying "Hello" and "How's your day" a couple of times and now Belly thinks he has a new friend. I did my best not to laugh at her..poor thing, I wonder how long it will be before SHE starts a "Belly Blog".

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Damn You Sesame Street!!

Belly has taken to saying everything in The Count from Sesame Street's accent. He even counted to 4 earlier just like The Count.

I know.....WTF??

I'm going to search his cubicle for a crack pipe this afternoon.
Here I was thinking that those white crumbs on his desk were from muffins, they were obviously crack rocks.

My Brown Bretheren

On Friday I worked at the club again. This time the show was for Hombres G.

I have 8 words for you:

I should have taken Spanish in High School

Everybody that came up to the window asked me something in spanish. Thank god the promoter had an employee in the booth with me. One guy, after paying for his ticket, looked at me and said something that, from the look on his face, sounded dirty. I immediately launched into telling him to "fuck off" when the poor girl sitting next to me quietly explained that he was "just asking where the line started".

Ooops, My Bad

Here I am about to start an International Incident.

Speaking of incidents:
This weekend, with the help of I left the following note on my neigbor's truck:
No estacione aqui. Estacione delante de su propio hogar. Llamare la oficina a tener su camion remolcado.
Loosely translated this means: Stop parking in my fucking parking space, asshole.

I watched the parking lot ALL DAY to see if he got the note..he did..he balled up the first one and threw it in the bushes.
But wait!! He didn't see the one on his windshield! (insert evil laught here)
He jumped out of his truck, snatched it off the windshield then got back in his truck and wrote the following note:

El pazqueo no es privado, es libre.
Yo me estaciono donde yo quiero. No me deses notas. Dimelo de trente (sp?) si me conoces.
Loosely translated this means: Bitch, are you nuts? I'll park wherever the hell I want to and if you don't like it, step to me.

Well I'll be damned...I IMMEDIATELY called the office and told him that he threatened me, yes a lie in so many words, but he's an asshole.
The manager claimed taht she would speak to him about it...later in the afternoon the fucker parked IN THE SAME EXACT space...ok, I see how it is.
Well Karma Is A Bitch - Some kids were playing in the parking lot (This is the semi ghetto ya know) and they started fighting, all of a sudden...THUD!!! Right into the fender of his truck...His alarm went of for five minutes and I laughed for at least four of them.
Needless to say, later that night, that fucker's truck was moved into a different space..far away from mine.
I still half expect him to slash my tires..who knows.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Really, Sit Your Ass Down

In yet ANOTHER attempt to get me to look at him:

I was sitting there minding my own business when Belly stands up and says (to no one in particular) "My arms hurt"..I ignored him as usual but he started to grunt and moan from his so-called pain.
I finally was forced to ask him why his arms hurt even though I suspected it was from jacking off excessively (eww, I betcha he can't even reach it).

He claimed it was from lifting monitors all day (some jackass put him in charge of workstation relocations) and then he launched into some sort of instructional presentation of how monitors are lifted. He kept saying:
Look Look Look Look..finally I looked at him and he was doing some stupid "double arm curl", trying to show me his fat-ceps. I barely looked at him but he still continued. I was half waiting for him to kiss each fat-cep..but I'm sure his chunky neck would not allow for that to happen.

If ya wanna hear Belly's laugh, YOU JUST GOTTA watch this video of the Big Lots SpokesElf contest, click on the first elf's video and you will hear the hell I have to put up with ALL DAY.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Damn Halloween, Damn Kids, DAMN CAR!! Part 2

Woo the ugly pictures to load!!

Damn Halloween, Damn Kids, DAMN CAR!!

[There were supposed to be some pics here but as usual, Blogger is trippin']

I 'm sitting here attempting to Relax, Relate and Release as Whitley would say.

Last night after blazing home at 200 miles an hour, flinging fabulous decorations across my shitty doorway and making sure my costume was STILL looking good:

10 fucking kids came to the door...

yes, in 4 hours we only had 10 damn kids...and some of them were rude.

One child just stood there looking at me, looking at her. She finally said "trick or treat" and I reluctantly gave her candy..little heffa

After giving a different little girl THREE pieces of really good candy, she stood there looking at me, looking at the bowl, back to me, as if to say: "look bitch, you've got a HUGE fucking bowl of candy and we both know no one else is coming..gimme more candy ho!!"
I gave her the "head jerk" that said "move along little devil spawn" and I swear I heard her snap her teeth. I should have pushed her down the stairs..but that would have been wrong huh?

Some teenagers came by around 8:45. The "young man" with them had a beard thicker than Belly's!! I gave him candy anyway....what?? he had a bag and everything!

Most of the kids were very nice though. They complimented my decorations AND my faboo costume. Of course some of looked at me as if they were wondering: "What in the hell is she wearing?" but I still love the kids.

Cut to this morning:

Remember my fabulous car? Well it showed me JUST how fabulous it was today by letting one of it's brake calipers FALL OFF.
Yes I said it fell off, thus causing a $600 rim to grind to a halt in front of McDonald's this morning.
I got on the phone immediately and called The Other Half and Emergency Roadside.
So I'm just sitting there ..waiting...when and all of a sudden here comes the Sherriff...what the hell could she want???
I explained that the car would not move forward..she asked me if I could move it..I EXPLAINED AGAIN that the car would not move forward no matter how hard I gunned the engine in Drive...She told me that she HAD to call a tow truck and that I HAD to move my vehicle from the road-way...I EXPLAINED AGAIN that I already had a tow truck on the way..she just looked at me and then got on her cell phone..whoever it was on the phone told her to PUSH my car out of the way with her car..WTF??...She then proceeded to do as such...Oh.My.God.
As the big dyke cop lady pushed my car with her big as batter-ram bumper, the grinding of my $600 rim continued..after she was able to push my poor car out of the way, SHE SPED OFF with lights and sirens blaring!!....I basically just stood there in shock.

Again, WTF??

The Other Half then showed up and removed the tire (not before grilling me on "what it was that I did")
He did the customary male "stand back and look at it" move and just looked at me. I left the ratchet set in my bedroom (don't ask) so I had NO TOOLS.
The Other Half decided to go to the tire shop and ask for a wrench or something. He was met by a bunch of Good Ole Boys who wouldn't give him shit.
Meanwhile back at McDonald's...
The tow truck driver came..he smelled like weed
He took me to the brake place up the road...the mechanic looked like he was:
A. High
B. Just woke up
C. Not at all interested in what the hell I was saying

I had to leave it there since they were "busy". When I pulled up one of the guys was welding something onto one of the cars..WTF??

Anyway, before I left my baby, I threw the name of my company around a WHOLE lot..I guess it was an attempt to scare them into NOT screwing me over..didn't work, they charged me 45 damn dollars to tighten a bolt that they then charged me $2.50 for..jeesssuuuussss!!!
There goes my crack money..oh well
The Other Half got me to work only about an hour late..poor thing has a bad cold so he went home to sleep..I should have went with him, stupid me.

Did I tell you that Belly insisted on taking me to pick my car up later in the afternoon??? Yeck...I tried to get out of it but he wouldn't leave it alone add to it the fact that my cube mates kept "co-signing" ( I'll kill THOSE bitches later). Resistance was futile.

If I could have taken a picture of what he looked like in the
God forbid he ever gets in an accident, nothing but guts all over the place..although his stomach would make a wonderful airbag of sorts. He was basically in a horizontal position. I'm not sure how we got there in one piece.
Don't even get me started on him putting his seatbelt was all I could do to not fall into a heap, laughing.
I was trying to wait to put mine on 'cuz lord knows I didn't want another touching incident, but he was struggling for so long, I finally put mine touching happened... thank ya jesus.

When we got there, he was trying to be all gentlemanly by saying "You sure you don't need me to go in there and crack some heads?"...uh, go away..quickly.
I forgot to mention that when my car first broke down this morning, he somehow got my cell phone number (those damn co-workers) and called saying:
Belly: You need me to come down there?
Me: No, I'll be fine, The Other Half is on his like five minutes and I already called a tow
Belly: You sure?
Me: Absolutely sure
Belly: You sure? 'cuz I could be there in like 5 seconds blah blah blah fucking blah
Belly: Okay..I was just checking 'cuz blah blah blah

I'm standing there wondering what on earth I did to deserve this fresh hell and was "saved" by the crazy sherriff lady with the big hat. I said a quick "cops are here, b...." (yeah I didn't even give him a full "bye" before jamming the END button).

I guess I should be thankful that I had a ride to pick up the car but believe me when I say: I WOULD RATHER HAVE WALKED 30 MILES in the snow..
both ways..
with a hole in my sock
AND a rock in my shoe.