Monday, December 19, 2011

Confession Monday - Being A Whore At Work

*le sigh*

There's a temp that sits across from me at work whose voice makes me want to hump his leg...

There, I "said" it.

Seriously, you should hear's da yumz.

The way that our cubicles are positioned, I can't actually see him because my monitor is in the way, but I can hear him on the phone all day..talkin' all sexaaay and shit...and he's not even trying to be just "be's like that".

Looks-wise, he's ok I guess..he has those sleepy bedroom eyes that make you wanna lay across his desk and luxuriate during lunch..but that would be blatantly whoreish...I'm more of an undercover whore thankyouverymuch.

Oh..and his laugh??!!?? easygoing, heh heh heh..

I've got one word for you...MOIST

And no, I have not told my husband about this new work crush..the last time I told him about this lil young kid at my old part time job who was asking me out, he said:

Hmm..maybe you should go out with him..then you could manipulate him out of his paycheck every week..cuz we have bills...

Yeah..true story..he swears he was kidding.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Black Thursday and Friday..All Late And Shit

And that was just my WalMart cart...

I promise, this was not all for MY baby..but I was tempted.

I have several excuses for why I am just getting around to posting this:

1. I'm lazy as shit
2. My husband's parents don't have internet (*gasp*, clutch the pearls)
3. The town they live in allows me about an 1/8th of a bar cell reception
4. Fuck AT&T and my slow ass iPhone
5. When you have kids, shit just slips your mind
6. I am still slightly traumatized by the whole weekend

There was one point, while I was laying across a pallet of pink baby laptops waiting for 10:00pm Thursday) to strike, that I thought to myself: " are pure fucking cray cray, go back to the house and get some sleep"..but then I imagined just how fucking cute my lil baybeeeeee would look using a pink baby laptop and I prepared for battle.

15 minutes earlier, some shit jumped off over some cheap ass, fake leather ottomans..seriously.

Luckily, I'd made a "friend" while laying across the pallet of cute V-tech baby shit and we devised a plan to use another "friend's" shopping cart to store all of our loot.
She was one buddy down because apparently, it is bad form to threaten a WalMart employee with the phrase "I hope somebody pushes your fat bitch ass down" that small town, it makes the police come to your pallet and escort you out of the handcuffs.

Small town WalMart confusing.

Anywayzzz, 10pm came and people went crazy..but I got my pink baby laptop and I'm still alive. I left the pink baby rocking horse thingie in the men's underwear aisle because after standing in line with it for a while, it was giving me the hairy eyeball and was freaking me out..maybe next year.
Oh, and THIS..could ya just diiiiie??!!?? Maybe she will become Queen of Da Piano like Lady Gaga and take care of me in my old age..or she could just make a whole lot of noise and shame the family name..whatever, it's cute.

Edited to add: I ALSO got up on Friday at 3am like a dumb ass and went shopping in a different small town..but I'm too tired to write about it right now.

And the moral of this story is...


(I was never good at that whole "moral of the story" shit..and I'm sleepy..and the baby making poop noises and it sounds like a blow-out.)

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

My Husband Does Dumb Shit...But He's Cute And His Sperm Works

A couple of nights ago, he'd been out on the front porch relaxing and having a beer (possibly two..who freaking knows).

Later on, I watched him go into the bedroom with a bag of Flipz White Chocolate Pretzels (only a DOLLAR at Kroger! SCORE!!) and a handful of Reese's Cups.
He doesn't eat sweets very much but when he does, he goes BIG.

Cut to an hour later....

The lights are off and the TV is on in the bedroom.
I sat on the bed, all ready to watch Sons Of Anarchy on my favorite seemingly illegal website, when all of a sudden, I hear some award winning snoring coming from his side of the I look...and I notice a white blob on his cheek...'the hell?

A closer look reveals that this jackass has fallen into some sort of sugar coma with a trail of pretzels up his arm, on his face and chest (and all over my favorite sheets) in different stages of meltage...oh and did I mention that there were candy wrappers all over MY pillows??!!
I swear to God, I was SO pissed, I was simultaneously screaming at him and looking for something to stab him with.

And OF COURSE I was "overreacting"....

Him: Why are you yelling and's not like there's chocolate everywhere...
Me: Are you serious right now??

I could tell that he was still asleep..he has a habit of having FULL conversations in his sleep..again, 'The Hell??

Him: Daaaaaamn lady!! Why are you trippin''s just a pretzel or two..go to bed..leave me alone...zzzzzz

I finally got him to wake up and man, was he pissed..he stomped off to the bathroom, pretzels still stuck to him, mumbling shit..then it got silent...he must have seen himself in the mirror...I heard the water running...he got back into bed and whispered some shit about "Good night", and I didn't hear a peep out of his ass for the rest of the night.

Score ONE for me and my righteous indignation..because yes, I keep a mental score of "marriage wins"..because I am mean.

I swear, if he wasn't the father of my child....

Speaking of that 5 months old, she already knows how to manipulate my emotions.
She has learned how to pout and can also smile reaaaal cute when she wants is that freaking possible??

I spent $40 and a fucking hour putting together THIS DAMN THING

The first time she sat in it, she just sat in it..Absolutely petrified.
I spun her around and made all the toys move and she JUST. SAT. THERE.
I figured that maybe it was a little too advanced for a 4 month old...literally too many "bells and whistles".
The next few times went a little better..but not much.
Lately she sits in it and screams bloody murder after a minute or yeah, that was a great, useful purchase.

According to my iPhone and digital camera, I have taken approximately 600 pictures of her and spent at least $300 on clothes for her.

And I am only slightly ashamed of myself.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Tits?..Meh, Not So Much

It seems that my boobs are The Debbul...

The baby is on a breastfeeding strike. She breastfed for like a month and now she HATES it.

It's probably because my milk supply is bullshit at best..sorry lil baby. I try to get her to feed every other day but she just looks at my tit like it owes her money and turns away...

She actually punched me in the nip once...

But the last few times she stuck her tongue out, tasted the milk a little (as if she was testing the vintage) then screamed bloody murder until I got her a bottle of formula to nosh on.

Maybe my milk is sour....God knows I'm not going to taste it for myself...that is just crazy balls.

It hurt my "perty lil feelers" for a while thinking she didn't like ME anymore but I was going through post-partum depression and I was SUPER crazy balls anyways so that passed.

And as if that wasn't TMI period started up again today...because as you may or may not know - breastfeeding makes the hemorrhaging vajazzlin go away.

damn it all to hell...

P.S....I had NO idea hemorrhaging was spelled that way..1.5 years of The Art Institute really paid off huh?

Friday, July 29, 2011

I Think My Pee Hole Is Broken

Yeah..I said it.

When I was in the hospital having the baby, I had to get a catheter because..I dunno why, anywhoo, ever since then, my pee stream is different...just an FYI from a dumb ass.

On another note, the baby is two months old and is a rock star..that doesn't feel that it is necessary to sleep at night...I am one sleepy bitch, especially since I went back to work this week (booooooo work).
My first day back, I basically fucked around and made it look like I was working but I was mostly trying not to break down in big weepy tears because I missed the baby..I don't cry as much as I used to but...still.

Seemingly, "There is no crying in baseball" in my husband's world when it comes to me. He gave me a "pass" when I was pregs and a little while after but now he's giving me the "oh here we go again" look when he sees me getting kind of makes me laugh though...him being all uncomfortable with this girly stuff. Especially since I GAVE BIRTH TO A GIRL-CHILD!!!!

I seriously needed a sedative today when she got her immunization shots..oh emmm fuckin gee that was an ordeal.I NEVER want to hear my child scream like that again.
I would have cried but my husband the Tear Nazi was there and proclaimed that only one female could cry in his presence today...whatever, jackass...ha

I have to go now....the baby has sensed that I am doing something OTHER than eyeballing and/or feeding her.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

A Month And Two Days Later...

Sigh...this shit is hard.

I'm pretty sure I have the "baby blues" because I'm crying more than an old lady in church and EVERYthing freaks me the fuck out.

The baby had her one month check up and the doc thinks she's slightly under-weight so I've been instructed to feed the hell out of her....but I'm sleeeeeepy dammit!

She has her days and nights mixed up and likes to keep us up all night...sigh
I promise you, she can sense the EXACT moment that I am about to fall asleep and she chooses that time to scream bloody murder...and as soon as I jump up to see about her, she smiles or goes right back to sleep...manipulating me already...yay

Friday, June 17, 2011

Oh Yeah, THAT Happened.... blog..forgot all about this thing...ha

So, how was your Memorial weekend? Good? Hmm? How was mine you say?


Yeah, you read that right...the baby came early because I'm old and sick and shit.

What do they call these things...birth stories?...well, here's mine..rambling text and all: (sorry)

n damn business going to my regular doctor's visit with the perinatologist (old lady baby specialist) and he comes in the room after testing my high ass blood pressure for the 3rd time and says: "Um, I checked you into the hospital, that baby needs to come out today", como se what the fuck?
He then proceeded to tell me that if I didn't drive there NOW that he would call an ambulance...jeez man, ok.
I remember calling everybody in a blind crying panic and somehow made my way to the REALLY NICE baby factory hospital they have here in town because the doc said so. I had already pre-registered at a different hospital but the doc said he'd rather I go to "baby central"...ok, whatev.
So I get checked in, moved to a room and now they want pee samples and stuff..let's just say, my pee somehow ended up on the floor..what? I was nervous!
The rest of that day consisted of my husband and family sitting around staring at me, getting poked with needles and oh, yeah, people checking my cervix...all of which I do NOT reccomend when you are scared as shit.
Oh, then some big, gorilla handed broad came in and inserted something called cervidil( but at some point my fabulous cooch pushed it much for that.

Friday May 27th:
All night the night before, nurses checked my blood sugar and blood pressure every fucking hour..yay
This day was sort of a blur...I remember being moved to a different room and more friends and family came to see me...not sure though because they had me on some good dope for pain..I guess I was having contractions..I dunno.
Numerous doctors came in and eyeballed me - commenting about my "way too high" BP and kept ordering more Petocin (fucking links won't imbed..sorry).
At some point the doc comes in and says "we're gonna just turn all of this off for the night and try again in the morning"..yay? Whatever, can I eat something now?
Later that night, I was sitting in bed and felt a little "leaking"...see, I still had TWO IV towers attached to me so going pee was a fucking I was having my husband help me get "unplugged", the leaking got worse.."great, I'm pissing myself", I thought out loud.
But the pissing was nonstop...and my dumb ass had no idea that my water was breaking..because well, I'm dumb and 38 and never had a baby before.
The nurse comes in after my frantic button pushing and incoherent yelling about pee...she had this "duh, heffa" look on her face but was nice about explaining what happened..bless her.
They let me sleep..sort of..for the rest of the night then Saturday came..more blur.

Saturday, May 28th:
I was having contractions but they were kind of like mild big deal.
Then they decided to become a big deal and hell yeah, I asked for an epidural..I'm pissed that I had to ask more than once though...bastards.
The anesthesiologist came breezing in talking on her cell phone like she was about to make a damn sandwich and gave me all these instructions about bending and breathing and not, huh?
As per usual I flinched..because damn it, that epidural shit is PURE CRAZY BALLS..but I made it out uparalyzed and let me say this..DRUGS ARE GOOD..sometimes.
I realize now that I didn't "labor" for very long..I am a chicken, sue me.
After checking the fetal monitor for a few minutes, the doctor (who looked to be about 15 years old) leaned over and said that the baby wasn't "bouncing back" from each contraction like she should be and that they needed to "get her out of there"....WHAT????

{Insert my screaming and panic and then some shuffling of family members to the hallway here}

My husband was somewhere between the cafeteria and the room and there were nurses running down halls looking for him.
When they found him, he was saying something about a $15 salad..huh? I dunno...
A nurse shaved my lady bits and it was time to head to the O.R.
For some stupid reason, I'm kinda scared that the gurney is going to hit the wall in the hallway (?) but I'm more worried about not being able to feel my legs anymore..weird shit.
The O.R. is freezing..and all I can keep saying to my husband is TAKE PICTURES OF THE BABY BUT DON'T LOOK AT THE BLOOD AND GUTS..being high on hospital dope makes you look like a dumb ass, I swear.
He, of course, did not listen and is leaning all over the other side of the drape, telling me what everything looks like..because he is a man, and doesn't listen very well.
Honestly, I kept telling myself not to close my eyes because my mind had convinced me that if I did, I would never open them again and that I would die before I saw the baby...what kind of crazy shit is that?
I heard her cry and my husband and everybody in the room cheered..I was SO scared and relieved and cold and high and happy and crying...
But I still had not seen the's strange hearing your parts getting put back in but not being able to feel anything...still...and that staplegun thing...WHOA!
Finally, I was all closed up and they moved me to the recovery room..the first time I saw the baby..I know I sound like a mushy jackass..but seriously, she was perfect..and after they cleaned her up, they put her on my chest..and I balled SO hard...she was looking right at me and she knew who I was and it caught me off guard..I wept like an old lady in church.

6lbs 3oz - 20 inches long!!

My husband, bless his heart, took a LOT of pictures..sigh, I heart him.

I stayed in the hospital 3 more days and got poked and prodded some more.
I have to say that hurses are the shit!!
They do a mostly thankless job and the ones at the hospital where I was were the BEST.

Everything is still a blur. That first night home was CRAZY and I cried the whole time...because I am a cheeseball and getting up every 3 hours is not as fun as it sounds.
Our friends came by and helped us...sigh, I heart them too.

Oh..I forgot, I had to be readmitted to the hospital because I guess MY body was not ready to go home yet..We were at the baby's 1st doctor's visit and I nearly fainted from what they said was "dehydration and high BP".
sigh..3 more days in the hospital which meant I was away from the baby at night which made me cry even more..jeez, there is lots of crying in this whole pregnancy thing huh?

My husband is a fuckin' trooper though. He figured out how to keep both him and the baby alive while I was gone and even set his own "routine". Amazing for a first time dad.
He is truly one of my favortie people right now..besides the baby..and she is a ROCK STAR thankyouverymuch...despite being born early, she passed ALL of her tests and the doctors say she is doing great..almost like she was SUPPOSED to be born early..absolutely NO problems...

Nature..go figure.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I Think I Broke My Tits

(I would have inserted a pic of big, black boobs here but all I could find was bad porn shots)


I ALWAYS had big, pretty, fabulous boobs (cleavage anyone?)...then I went and got knocked up at the age of 38 and now BOOM, they're mere shadows of their former selves.

t started when I was at around 4 months pregnant. I bought some new bras in anticipation of having huge "milk boobs" but I also got a couple of "right now"minimizer-type bras..what? They were on sale dammit.

Anywhoooo I wore those minimizer bras for a while and I started to notice that my tits were actually getting smaller..huh?

Granted, I lost weight during my pregnancy but I've been smaller than I am now and I STILL had Double D's. Now I'm more like a C cup (boooo C cups) is going on?

Now you know I Googled it and only found weirdness about breastfeeding and BIG boobs..sigh, I'm 8 months pregs now and they still seem small.

At first, my husband tried to make me feel better by saying maybe it was an "optical illusion" due to the fact that my stomach was sticking out a little further now..then he did some "feel tests" (damn pervert) and he determined that yes, they were indeed smaller.

I'm hoping it's like a tsunami where the shoreline receeds before all hell breaks's hoping.

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Baby Registry Discussions - Just Like Compton

As per usual, it seems that my big mouth has started "some shit" on's a're welcome.

After a discussion that started at work last week, I posted this today:

Question: If someone sets up a Baby/Gift Registry, do you buy them items they request or do you (as someone said to me) buy them "whatever the hell you feel inclined to" even though they don't "need" it?
btw - We're registered at Target, Wal Mart, Kohl's, Babies R Us, Amazon and Buy Buy

Because really, If people say they need something, they might REALLY need it..especially first time parents LIKE ME..then the comments came in..some of them should go in the "oh noes" category:

um...I would get something from the registry since it is something they want. Unless I came across something additional that is from the heart (like games to go with the Kinect - lol)

Well, it depends on what type of mood I am in. I typically don't like to buy from the registry because it gets "lost" with all the other gifts. I like wondering the malls looking for that gift I know that will be different from the others. BTW...I will probably not buy from the registry so you can roll your eyes at me now. I love you anyway:)

I buy "whatever the hell I feel inclined to" - most likely off of the registry. Ha! :)

I buy off the registry but I know several ppl who make their own ish why u buying someone bottles but not looking at their registry to see which one they want?!

I dom't like registries. I think folks should should just buy what they want. People put such ridiculous items on the registries, and some people have too many.

You will be surprised by what you really need and what you don't need :-).

I guess the better question would be, what do you think are the essential items that first time parents need on their registry? I know that half the stuff I registered for I really didn't need. My essentials were: stroller, diaper genie, bottles, and some pacifiers.

Back in the 'olden days' when i had my boys, i did not register at all. People just gave me what they wanted, or gift cards, and that seemed to work out okay. People NEVER get everything on their registries anyway, then it is a pain inthe butt to go and get everything later...

I say let them buy their own stuff. They're the ones who decided to have a baby.

although people will give you what they want to, I feel very strongly about "registries" and "things you need and want list". I always try to buy the person what I would like them to buy for me if I were in their shoes... But that being said, most people will say what Charles just said, "let them buy their own stuff"!

You buy them what they want. How would you feel on christmas when you asked for a Barbie and you got a G.I Joe? Just saying. If you sent someone to grab you lunch and said get me a Big Mac and they came back with a Whopper you would be pissed.

You should be grateful that you had something to eat, whopper or big mac

that makes no sense. This isn't Ethiopia. Point was buy people that they want for their child. If you don't want to then don't buy anything. They may have read reviews and decided they didn't want a certain brand because they are not sturdy.

I don't care where you are, you still need an attitide of gratitude. I am grateful for whatever gifts are given to me, whether they are things or otherwise. When we disagree with someone's opinion, there is no need to say it makes sense or to engage in Ethiopian stereoypes.

The one about "they are the ones that decided to have a baby" kinda pissed me off, but I can't for the life of me remember who the fuck that person is or why they are my FB friend so, oh well.

THEN, I get a "wall post" from an older lady I work with that said:

Just be grateful for whatever you're given...get over it ! ! So don't be mad if folks on your FB page don't get you nothing ! ! And don't be talking 'bout folks on FB and your secret blog...LOL!!

See how she put "LOL" at the end?..believe me, she wasn't laughing out loud, she was dead-ass serious and has called me ungrateful to my face before. She doesn't like the fact that I don't share my name and personal info on this blog either. sigh...I can't get into that right now, I'm sleepy.

And because I am a pregnant, emotional, sappy ass cow, I got my "perty lil feelers" hurt and posted something that the pre-pregnant me would have NEVER fucking posted:

Please don't get me wrong about the Baby Registry post, seems that I came off as an ungrateful snot.
I just think that if someone says that they need something, I wouldn't want to waste money (or their time) getting them stuff they can't use.
We would just as soon take your well wishes and prayers and "make do" like our parents did.
I was just interested in what people thought.

I should have just said - "BUY ME THE SHIT I REQUESTED ON THE FUCKING REGISTRY ALREADY, DAMN!"....but I didn't.

People were nice with their next comments (I suppose):

I don't think you came across as ungrateful. I know from all of your FB posts that you do what I do, just engage folks in the converstion.

and a different older lady said:

P.S. As an old woman, I have found that the best gifts are those I didn't ask for.

I should be shot at sundown for backing off of my point like that...I'm too emotional for FaceBook these days.

How 'bout we end this post with a lil Gangsta Rap to make us all warm and fuzzy....


One late comment posted by my Cousin-in-law (whose leg I shall hump the next time I see her):
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE DON'T STICK TO THE REGISTRY! If you have to get something because YOU want them to have it then get that in addition to a registry item. Selfish! A gift is shouldn't be more about the person that it's from than the person it's for! Always include receipt.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Pregnancy From Hell - An Update

So yeah...I had been throwing up for 6 months...I hated all food...even water made me gag...then when I hit 7 months all of a sudden, it stopped..damn it all.

Food textures are still a little weird to me but I was always a weirdo about chicken (chunks of chicken = gag).

Fresh Hell: Ankle and foot swelling..great, joy, happiness.

Last Sunday I thought I'd get all cute and go to the Big Super Big Fucking Deal Mall of The South and do a little shopping and walking..because the doctor said to walk and stuff. I was standing there in Old Navy trying on dress #50,000 that made me look like either:

1. an overstuffed sausage or
2. a fat ass in a tent/tarp/hot air balloon when all of a sudden I decided to look down...oh foot looked like Professor Klump when he was transforming..GAG! SCREAM! CLAMP HAND OVER MOUTH CUZ I REALIZED I WAS IN PUBLIC!

I have NEVER seen ANYthing on my body swell like that..eww...then I was all embarassed because I was probably walking around like that for the past fucking hour. *sigh*....pregnancy sucks donkey balls

Ooo, but I got a "work restriction" from my doctor that says I can only work 8 hours a day intead of the usual 10..a small victory, I suppose, because I was begging for "complete bedrest" but the good ole doc wouldn't fall for my bullshit.

Fresh Funness: the baby KICKS..that shit is actually kind of cool..she also must be a budding nudist because my stomach only feels good if my shirt is pulled up over my if she wants to watch TV or make ugly faces at my co-workers is SO not cute when I feel the need to do this particular move at my desk...obviously something that is frowned upon in this establishment..fuck 'em.

Monday, March 07, 2011

Feel Free To Go STRAIGHT To Hell - Today's Pregnant Lady Rant



*GASP*..Clutch the pearls Annie Mae!!

Apparently, where I work, this is an "unpopular" attitude to have.

If I don't come in to work doing cartwheels with stardust and rainbows shooting out of my ass every morning, I am: "being a big ole baby".

Seriously, people are just fucking crushed that I'm not always thrilled to be in my current "condition"...umm, huh?

Most of you heffas have never even birthed so much as a good idea but now all of a sudden, you are the pregnancy experts?!?

oooo..and the ones that REALLY scorch my grits are the ones that HAVE been pregnant before and how they seem to forget how it all went down....{insert mean face here}

And I'm pissed at myself for not telling them how I really feel when they ask me all loud and chipper-like: "HOW ARRRRRE YOOOOOOUUUUUUU?!?! SQUEEEEEEEE!!!"because when I do..they look all crushed or just look at me like I'm an ungrateful whore...sigh

And then the stank looks you get when you slightly pull away when they get all "handsy" on your stomach...sorry if I don't feel like being molested in the break room today.

Try waking up every morning - not having slept the night before because you had to piss every 45 minutes - to constant gagging and an over all feeling of "ick"..

Oh and THIS:
  • constipation,
  • weird hair growth
  • itchy skin
  • MORE gagging and vomit at the slightest sniff of a nasty ass smell
  • having to buy BIG OLE "PANTY DRAWS"..they don't come in cute styles OR colors
  • uncontrollable the drop of a hat
Try that list of sexiness for 9 months and see how fucking bright and shiny YOU feel in the mornings.

Current Rant Over...thankyouverymuch.

Saturday, February 05, 2011

I Know, I Suck...

Once again, I have been cheating on you with another website...his name is Facebook..and he's, he has more money and he his peen is bigger so umm...

My new pregnancy brain will not allow me to write the long, ridiculous paragraphs that you have become accustomed to so I've taken to saying dumb shit in my Facebook status box instead:

Tuesday at 9:01pm - Sigh, Glee was great tonight

February 6 at 9:29pm - sigh...Troy Polamalu is sexy as all hell...but I have this weird urge to put pretty braids and barettes in his hair.
#donttellmyhusband #weirdness

February 6 at 8:13pm - I want a light-up bra top like Fergie' luck, I'd get electrocuted tryin' to be cute.

February 5 at 8:14pm - How in the blue hell is a place called Sushi 101 going to be OUT of sushi??? And you wonder why pregnant women are hateful...

February 4 at 1:06pm - I'm having a very "WTF" kind of day..I thought I'd have a healthy breakfast smoothie but found a way to break an important piece off of my $130 blender..sigh
Then I wanted a grilled cheese (screw healthy) and found a way to burn the hell out of 1 side...and as I was scraping the burnt off of it, it fell in the damn trash can..I guess I can be happy that I'm still alive..

I would write something else but the baby says it's time for us to vomit and take a 4 hour nap...