Saturday, September 29, 2007

Me And My Big Mouth....

It seems that I may have pissed off a VERY famous blogger (who shall remain nameless..for now).

I made a comment on one of her posts where she said that her very difficult child's outbursts and fits basically ruined a family trip.
All I said was that: a well timed ass whipping usually clears the air and makes for a lovely vacation...or something to that effect... and I also suggested that maybe she try being the boss instead of letting a child run roughshod all over her and her husband...

I don't think she was ready to "accept what I was offering"...ooops, uh, sorry.

She wrote me back and asked me if I had kids..I lied kinda..I'm the oldest of three and had the "privilege" of having to raise them since they were babies..bottles, diapers and everything..even though my mom was around, she worked a lot!!

Since I was forced into this position, I felt like I did actually have kids and that I can comment on such things.
I think people these days are so caught up in being their child's friend that instead of being a parent, they're worried about hurting their feelings....uh, bullshit...when I was growing up, my parents were THE BOSS..end of discussion.
Yeah, sometimes it would have been nice, every once in a while, to live in a democratic-type household where all of our opinions were valued and where we could express ourselves and give opinions...and talk back...with sass mouth...but SORRY..we would have taken advantage of it, I'm sure.

I went to a friend's house once and she called her mom front of everybody...all loud and shit...I actually ducked in the anticipation of a monumental ass whipping...but no!! Her mom just stood there..didn't say a damn thing and kind of laughed...nothing ever happened to her..are you kidding me??

I told her a story of how:

I once told my mom that I hated her...really the front door...and all the neighbors heard....After I awoke on the foyer floor....
She actually took my birthday away..that whole day came and went without as much as a whisper, my little brother wasn't even allowed to speak to me!!
An ass whipping AND further punishment??? Harsh, yes, but I learned to respect my mother and I also learned to say shit under my breath next time).

Anyway, I don't think she appreciated me and my assvice..dammit, this is just like high school all over again where the popular girl thinks you are a piece of shit....

But, oh well, as an adult..I can say what I want *looking around, checking to see if my mom is around*

Oh, residual trauma, isn't it wonderful???

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

The Meat Hook Chronicles

Today it my fucking keys!!!

He's been wandering around the department ALL fucking day today.

I accidentally made eye contact with him twice..(shit!!!) but he kept wandering so I was spared..temporarily, at least.

Just now, he walked by (for the 10th time) and said:

Meat Hooks: Daaaaaang Linka, that's a lot of keys
Me: Uh..huh?
Meat Hooks: Your keys..there's lot of them..woooo!
Me: (thinking) what the fuck is your issue EXACTLY??
Me: (out loud) Yeah, I guess..
Meat Hooks: God forbid somebody is chasing you and you need to get your car door open


Me: Yeah, good thing huh?..I know where all my keys are though

This is where he reaches out to touch them..yeck

Meat Hooks: Wow, you have lots of keys...(weird pause after fondling them)

Here's where I yank open my desk drawer and throw my keys in..slamming the drawer for good measure...he, as usual, skulked away

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Poor Meat Hooks..Uh, No

I was mean to Meat Hooks today...and it was fun.....

This weekend, I was in Target, in the Dollar Aisle (of course), better yet, the CLEARANCE Dollar Aisle when what did my eyes have the pleasure of seeing....A USB Cup Warmer!!! (with LED light no doubt)
I knew it's shiny mirrored surface would be sure to titillate the OCD nerve in Meat Hook's little brain.

So I bought cost .68 cents thankyouverymuch.

I then casually placed it near my CPU..lookin' all sparkly and shit...and wouldn't ya know comes Meat Hooks.

He stood there behind me..breathin' and shit as usual

After a freakishly long pause he says:

What's THAT thing???
Me: What thing?
Meat Hooks: THAT thing..
Me: Huh?, wha' thing (being hateful is so damn funny to me)
Meat Hooks: (breathing heavy at this point) That, that that that RIGHT THEEEEERE!!

and ONLY after his finger was 2 millimeters from the cool, shiny object did I say:

"Oh that? It's a cup warmer..or something" then I continued to look like I was working...he stood there and "ooohed and ahhed" for a few minutes while I ignored him. I could tell by the quiver in his voice that he wanted to touch it BUT I REFUSED TO OFFER..hee hee

But of course, because my life hates me, Meat Hooks returned a couple of hours later..yay, great.

I saw him rounding the corner but I chose to ignore him. I figured he was there to see Belly, and so did Belly
Belly: Hey guy, (I hate when he calls people guy) I'll be done in just a second
Meat Hooks: Who said I was coming to see youuuu?? (yeck)

I heard some sort of annoying crunching behind me but again, chose to ignore his ass...more crunching..and lurking..crunch...crunch...then I noticed that he was crouching just outside my cubicle bag noise..crunch...He was reading my Dilbert cartoons that I have posted on the cubicle wall to irritate management...
Meat Hooks: (popping up like Jack in The Box) Hey Linka!! (again, wtf?) Can I make a copy of this?
Me: Of what? (I know, the bitch lives)
Meat Hooks: This Dilbert thing right here

Ok, let me say that I have had that VERY cartoon outside my fucking cubicle for THREE AND A HALF YEARS..but all of a sudden, today, you NEED to make a copy.

If I didn't need this job..I'd quit.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

If He Touches ONE MORE Thing...

Let me introduce you to yet ANOTHER annoying co-worker:

My name for him is: MEAT HOOKS

Why? Well Meat Hooks has this obsessive/compulsive "thing" that involves hovering around my cubicle, making ridiculous small talk just so that he can TOUCH THINGS on my

At first i thought he was just being inquisitive...but then it got weird. One day he came by with his weird ass self and I told myself earlier in the day that I would make it a point to put something "interesting" on my desk to tempt him...(insert evil laugh here).....I pretended to be on a call while he hovered. He waited for a couple of minutes while I had my imaginary conversation...out of the corner of my eye I saw him notice "the item" I leisurely (strategically) placed my body in between it and him...his fucking hands were actually TREMBLING!!! I'm serious, I almost pissed myself with inner laughter.. I innocently glanced over and smiled, "Oh, I didn't see you standing there" I, of course, said in my sweetest southern belle voice....he kind of just skulked away....

One day, I was shootin' the shit with some female co-workers about 4 feet from my desk. Meat Hooks and Belly were standing in his cube talking about - I don't know - cheese puff flavor to air ratios when I saw him edge his way into my cube. Just as he was preparing to touch something, I yelled out "AHHHT!!!!! (like when you discipline babies and dogs). He jumped about 3 feet in the and my (as he would call us) "cackling bitches" laughed loudly and heartily..he tried to play it off by saying he was "Just dropping off something I let him borrow"..yeah right touchy boy....
*sigh* .....being mean is fun.

Did I mention that he is Belly's BEST FRIEND!!!!!!!???!!!

Oh, the hilarity

The bad part is that he's this weird, fat in all the wrong places, nerdy, bitterly-divorced, woman hating single guy with a large porn collection.
I have nightmares that he's in my cubicle on my days off just touching various shit on my desk and leaving his testicle crumbs on my keyboard.

Note to self: Have entire cubicle washed down with antibacterial solvents ASAP

P.S.: Burn keyboard

Much like a serial killer, his crimes are escalating:

This morning, there was a greeting card on top of a face-down DVD case, my keys and my cell phone all in a little cluster on my right side desk top. Meat Hooks comes bumbling down the row and stands there just outside my cube. My back was still to him but I said hello and continued to settle in for the day.
This jackass works his way into my cube, scoots the card off of the DVD case, picks the motherfucker up, TURNS THE CASE OVER and begins to comment on the movie!!..yeah, WTF??

I'm thinking I should just box up all my shit and ride around with it in my trunk......

Spell Check Is Your Friend

In my rush to publish my usual foolishness, I noticed that I spelled "unnecessary" wrong in my last post...I hate spelling mistakes.

No really, it irks me.

But you know what irks me even more than that????

The improper use of the apostrophe...yeah, turn off the lights and call the law, here comes a rant.

I saw a sign at a car dealership that read: 4 New Honda's For Sale

Are you serious?

Here's something I stole from

Some rules for apostrophe use:First, do not use apostrophes in plurals, unless you intend to show possession, in which case you would use it at the end. "I've got lots of problem's" is grammatically incorrect. There's no contraction or possession here, so no apostrophe.

Second, do not use an apostrophe when you are showing possession using a gender-neutral pronoun (e.g. "it"). It is not correct to say "That stupid bird left it's feathers all over the cage floor." This spelling ("it's") is only acceptable as a contraction of the words "it" and "is". This is probably the most difficult rule to remember, unless you know why.

And finally, never use an apostrophe to form a verb in the present-tense singular. Many times I have read "Jimmy love's Janey", and unless Janey is the sole property of Jimmy love, then this is just another example of poor grammar. But then many people today don't understand the parts of speech either.

This now concludes the Hoity Toity, High Falootin', Uppity Bitch portion of our show......

Ironically, for the first 10 years of my life, I had a REALLY hard time spelling the word business...damn, that was a hard one.

Friday, September 14, 2007

How The Hell Do We Not Have A Broom??

I realized that we do not have a broom in our new place...but what pisses me off even more is that the fabulous, useful, really cool (and did I mention FABULOUS) broom holder thingie is also missing!!

I am crushed....

I am a lame ass....

I finally have money in my checking account today so I will buy a new one..of course you know the SECOND I buy a new one, install it and begin to love it..I'll find the old has a way of sucking ass like that.

I've made a lovely, long list of uneccessary bullshit that I swear I need from Target/Wal-Mart/Home Depot/Lowes/Local Sex Shop...ok maybe the last one is TMI but I have a habit of oversharing.

Sadly, the new place has some pretty questionable carpet stains near the doorway...and by the kitchen..and in front of the guest room..and in the guest room....
The landlady claims that she had the carpet "professionally cleaned", I seriously doubt that little tidbit.
I let her know that I'd be purchasing rugs until our lease was up and she said "oh"...uh, ok lady.

I'll do my best to not spend my entire check on bullshit(seeing as our rent in $43000 a month)..but it's just SO tempting.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

I Was Just Trying To Make A Dollar..Or Five

I was rejected by one of those "pay per post sellout" places...because of....*GASP*..excessive foul language...well you know what I have to say about that....

Well, FUCK THEM!!!

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Moved In....Finally

Well we finished moving in to the new condo Tuesday..did I mention that we have been moving since Sunday????

I can hardly put into words just how happy that I am that this is over.....people are mean.

It seems that me and "all my shit" (direct quote) found a way to piss off every body that helped us move. Yes, I'll admit it, I'm somewhat of a hoarder...I like all the colors they come in...and different shapes too.

Imagine being berated and chastised for having too much shit for 3 days straight..yeah, feels great huh??? Every time someone new would show up, they felt it necessary to go from room to room screaming: WOOOOOOO...DANNNNGGG!!!! LOOK AT ALL THIS SHIT!!!!

Tuesday night, me and TOH were watching TV and he brought up the subject again..When I finally got upset and said I was sick of being told that, in so many words, I "wasn't shit", TOH said that I was being disrespectful to the people that were helping us move...umm..huh, what? I wasn't trying to be disrespectful, I was just tired. And I felt like people were looking down on me because I wasn't hauling a sofa on my back...excuuuuse me, I'm just the person who packed it all up in LESS THAN A WEEK...ALL BY MYSELF..WITH NO HELP..and I'm the person who will have to UNpack it...ALL BY MYSELF..WITH NO HELP!!! Thank god, my mom and sister came by to help me this little sister is so cute, setting up my bookshelf like it was Barnes and is great sometimes.

Anyway, now we're in..and away from the ghetto..for now, at least.....