Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Hey Sexy

Have you ever just "noticed" that you were dating the hottest man on earth??

Like I said earlier, Me and TOH went to the gym on Saturday. He'd been drinking the night before so he was all whiny and irritable...but I wasn't falling for his bullshit this time though.
I added him on as a "family member" and had already paid for him 2 months in a damn row so I was basically forcing his ass to go.

When we got there it was almost time for my swim aerobics class to start and I hate to be late. I "had to" leave him at the front desk to wait to get his picture taken. I guess this is what it feels like to leave your kid on his first day of school...he looked a little pitiful but shit, I need to stop babying him right??

Anywhoo, while I was in class I saw him peeking at me from the men's locker room door..he looked like a Peeping Tom but I love him....the other ladies in class tried to make him join in but he played shy and went back in. I tried to explain to him that I'd seen other guys in the class but he swears that it's a "womanly thing"..whateva

After class I found him on the basketball court making shots..hmm pretty good for a slacker.
We went up to the weight room and I watched him messa around on the various machines then he started on the free weights...doing bench presses..all of a sudden a WAVE OF LUST came over me and a long list of filthy thoughts went through my mind....

What the hell was THAT about???

I guess after all that whining and complaining I was ready for him to be a stud again..weird.

But sadly, it didn't last long...the next day he was just about in tears because he was so sore..he even stayed out from work on Monday!! Can you hear me snapping my teeth in disgust???

Big Baby

Monday, February 26, 2007

And I Am Telling You, I'm Not Going..


Jennifer Hudson, ypu know I love you, but I swear, that jacket looked like something you dug out of Beyonce's trunk.

What in the Gold Lame' hell???

Her weave looked good though....

We Are SO Damn Exciting...Yoga Hurts

Happy Monday...yeah right, that sounds like some dumb shit Belly would say as he bounded his fat ass down the cubicle row.

On Friday I visited my dealer, I mean Whole Foods, with a co-worker. We had some of the best calamari known to man at the Seafood Bar. We got the squid from the seafood dept. (LOVE THAT!!). My co-worker told the guy we wanted two pounds of squid rings but as he started scooping, we realized that we were fat pigs and decided on a pound and a half...cooked up, we were STILL fat pigs...damn, calamari goes a long way.
Anywhoo, the chef dude made a pesto parmesan sauce that I would kill my mom for and I seriously considered eating the entire plate, until that is, my stomach nearly exploded.

mmmm, good times....

We had company over later on that night..I hate company on Friday nights...add to it that TOH kind of "sprung" them on me...damn it boy, our house is messy!!!! I'd much rather have company over on Saturday when I'd have time to clean but oh well.
After cramming shit into every nook and cranny of our apartment, I "graciously" greeted TOH's work friend who brought his girlfriend - sure wish I knew her name - hell, I've met her at least 3 times and have no fucking clue what to call her..I called her sweetheart for most of the evening, I suspect she doesn't know what the hell my name is either..oh well.
I made my signature frozen drink called Pink Panties, recipes as follows:

Frozen Minute Maid Pink Lemonade (On sale for .99 cents a can at Publix)
Pineapple Rum
Vanilla Vodka
And whatever other cheap ass liquor you can find
Blend and serve in red plastic cups or maybe your nice Margarita glasses depending on the caliber of company you have over.

Saturday I forced TOH to go to the gym..oh the whining and crying...
I went to water aerobics again, that was fun. We did yoga this time. Sadly, in the water and out, I'm still a clumsy ass. This pose (Dandayamana-Dhanurasana) was an ass-kicker. So was this one (Trikanasana).
At the end, we all said "Namaste Muthafuckas"...ok, the MF part was mine but I laughed..to myself...

Why is it that after I leave the gym, I feel like I can eat an entire cow??? In my attempt to be all healthy and shit, I ate a large bowl of chili
with cheese
and 36 oyster crackers

What??? It was on a diet I saw online somewhere..I think...probably the same "diet" that Belly is on.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I Swear, If You Don't Shut The Hell Up!!!

We had a department meeting today and Belly took the opportunity to ask a barrage of asinine, irrelevant questions as usual....

Big Wig: Any questions?
Belly: Well..blah blah fucking blah blah - training implementation - blah blah fucking blah blah

The entire room was SO embarrassed and the poor Big Wig just stood there like a deer caught in headlights and nodded.

Just when you thought it was over....ANOTHER stupid question!!!! He managed to make an already boring meeting 15 minutes longer.

Poor us.

Then if it REALLY wasn't "enough"....he happens to be the facilitator for our TEAM meeting later this afternoon...oh god..please slit my throat right now!!

Whole Foods..It's The New Crack

So me and The Other Half just can't stay out of Whole Foods.....He took me out to dinner there last night..yeah, you can actually have dinner there.

We ate at the "seafood bar" and TOH got his shrimp for his Po Boy from THE SEAFOOD COUNTER..yeah, they let ya do that!!!..damn I love this place
I had the Fish and Chips..not exactly like "the real thing" in England but it was pretty damn good. It came with fresh fries and coleslaw, now if you know me, you know I HATE coleslaw, but that crap was wonderful..just cuz it was from Whole Foods.

Friday, February 16, 2007

My Valentine's Evening - Shut Up, I KNOW It's Late

On Wednesday TOH brought home some lovely ribeyes..from Publix.... NOT Whole Foods like we had last week when we somehow thought we were ballin' completely out of control.
Are you aware that EVERYTHING in that store costs $732?? Except the Blue Corn Chips that I love so much, they are a very paltry $1.50 and I can eat the whole bag if need be.

Anyway, on V-Day, TOH "The Steak Master", gets the cast iron skillet out..yeah, oh shit...and heats it up. I'm not sure if you're aware but black cast iron gets really fucking hot, really fucking quick. While he was marinating the steaks, I quietly opened every window in site and turned on fans across the land......
Next thing I knew, there was smoke BILLOWING from underneath the kitchen door and I heard coughing. I cracked the door to check on him and he yells out: Everything's under control!!

uh, OK

A few minutes and lots more smoke later, dinner was ready. Ribeye steaks and shrimp with just a little "Cajun" char but it was all quite yummy. I put some baked potatoes on earlier and when I went into the kitchen to get them, the floor was slicker than duck shit from all the grease he was spewing but I pretended not to notice..cuz I love him..and he's a great guy..most of the time.

We drank some sort of cheap wine that I found at the grocery store called Little Penguin White Shiraz.
1 glass in and I was drunk as shit..nope, TOH did NOT find this to be the right time to take advantage of me..dang it!!

We both fell asleep watching Law and Order because apparently, we're both 87 years old.

Are we NOT the hippest, sexiest people on the earth????? You are SO jealous!!!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

What The...??

The Other Half chastised me last night for "hating on" Belly for getting a sportbike....whateva asshat.

It was just two minutes ago that you basically (thank god) banned him from calling the house..now you're homies????

TOH also THINKS he's getting a motorcycle sometime soon..I think not...Unless, of course, I can have one too.

Today my cube mate was attempting to be "politically correct" by stating that Belly didn't have the "proper anatomic proportions" to ride a motorcycle. I helped him out by saying: He's just too fucking fat and WAYYY too short to ride a sportbike....

He seemed relieved that I said it.

On another note, a stupid ass, I mean co-worker of mine, absolutely REFUSES to eat Blue Corn chips..country ass.
Here he is, always trying to make the rest of us look stupid on a daily basis and this jackass is deathly afraid of a chip!!
We tried to tell him that they taste pretty much like yellow corn chips but he won't believe us..a grown ass man??!!!??

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

You're Gonna Fall On Your Fat....

On Monday, Belly informed us that he was looking for a motorcycle...a sportbike type.....

I'll let that one marinate for a minute...

Can you imagine all that ass on a Kawasaki????


No, I didn't give birth to anyone but it sure feels like I did.

My pregnant friend with the hollow leg who could be a championship eater FINALLY gave birth this weekend.

Friday afternoon her husband called and told me that they were leaving to go to the hospital..woo hoo, I thought, the baby should be here any time now. I made plans to go to the hospital IMMEDIATELY after work to see the birth of my "niece".
My co-worker who was in labor for 36 FUCKING HOURS told me to, in so many words, pump my brakes because it would be hours yet...whatever lady.

I went home and promptly fell asleep..'cause I'm a horrible auntie. I woke up around 10 pm and went to the hospital.... NO BABY YET.

I stayed until 2 am...NO BABY YET.

I went home, slept till 9 am, missed my water aerobics class 'cause I'm stupid (thought it started at 10), went to Joann's, came home, called the hospital and her husband told me that they had just broken her water and given her an epidural...I'm thinking: WOO HOO, BABY IN A MINUTE!!
I went to my part time job at around 2:30, called the hospital...NO BABY YET.
I goofed off , I mean worked hard for the next 4 hours.
I called the hospital AGAIN and her mother picks up the phone and screams: CAN'T TALK!! SHE'S TRYIN' TO PUSH!!!...*click*

Jees..finally!!! By the time I got there, miss thang had JUST popped out..The Other Half was already there..looking all scared and shit as if he'd been in the delivery room or something.
We tried to get him to hold the baby but he wouldn't..he said she was "too fragile"..sissy..hahaha

Anywhooo..Her name is Jillian and she's fabulous..in an alien, old man kinda way.

I'm sure all that'll pass in a week or two...won't it?

Monday, February 05, 2007



I had forgotten that he was..really I did. Until last night, that is.

I promise you, I want to be reincarnated as one of his backup dancers..dancing in the rain?? Wearing HIGH HEELED BOOTS??? That takes talent lemme tell ya.

So the song list went: (as I remembered it)

Let's Go Crazy
Proud Mary (My FAVORITE song in this whole world)
Baby I'm A Star (My second favorite song in this whole world)
The Best of You
PURPLE FREAKIN' RAIN - I swear, I alsmost pissed myself

I was thinking before the show started "There's NO WAY Prince is gonna get his weave wet in all that rain"...But he surpised me by taking his scarf off during Purple Rain..I was screaming and singing along like I was actually in the stadium...The Other Half fell asleep before halftime, (cuz he's an ass) and woke up giving me the "Are You COMPLETELY crazy?" look..

whateva, I had a good time...in my OWN damn living room.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Black Ice

There was a threat of an ice storm around here today. Since Belly lives out in the middle of fucking nowhere, he decided to stay home.

He was probably scared that his fat ass would slip on the ice and make a crater in his driveway..now THAT would be funny.

Remember I told you he has like 4000 kids? Well he tried to sound all big and bad on the phone yesterday by threatening his son. I guess his kid was fucking up at school and the teacher called Belly. Belly then called his house and his daughter "The Informer" picked up and wheezed and babbled on and on like she does..he, as usual, had to tell her to calm down and put her brother on the phone.

Belly: Have you bumped your head?
Boy: (I'm guessing) Huh?
Belly: Do you want ME to?
Boy: Fuck you, Fat Boy (OK, I'm using "artistic license" now)
So I guess the boy then dropped the phone on the floor and "The Informer" picks and starts to babble as usual..
Belly: Wait, what happened to your brother?? Our conversation was NOT over...you tell him to get back on the phone!!!! Huh?? You tell him: Wait till I get home!!!! (insert more babbling and wheezing here)
Belly: Uhhh, umm, OK..well, uh, I'll deal with him later...

He was extra pissed..it was SO funny..I just snickered quietly in my cube.
He tries to make us believe that he's "in charge" in his house, but we know the truth.
Back when I allowed him to call my house (long story), he was in the process of moving and he was trying to "direct" the children to help him..it was obvious that they couldn't have cared less..they were screaming and falling down the stairs and shit..no once listening to A THING he said...that included his wife, she seems to hate him(She had an Internet affair). I bet he moved that whole house by himself..pitiful

Isn't it sad when a man isn't even respected in his own house???