Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween Bitches!!!

I am SUCH a fucking Lady ....aint I?

I dressed up (as usual) for Halloween because I'm just fun like that.

Of course (again, as usual), nobody else did...because they suck.

I was a 60's Stewardess/Air Hostess/Secret Agent named Josie Starlight..I even bedazzled her machine guns...yeah,I go big, so can I go home?.

Maybe if I can blur my face and fat ass out enough, I'll post pictures tomorrow.

Now go eat some candy.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Just Bought A Cadillac..Again..Oh Look! A Lemon!

Well, I finally killed my old car..(poor thing was smoking and everything) and since I had already been turned down by my credit union THREE times, I didn't really expect that they'd give in this time BUT THEY DID!! Woo damn Hoo

Normally, I get screwed royally at dealerships because I make the mistake of financing with them...bad credit is soooo not cute.

It feels so good to walk into the dealership and slap a check on the desk, sure is a different experience.

I've been looking at Supercharged Grand Prixs like my old one but the new body style looks like a rental if you ask me..but you didn't.

With my measly budget of $8000, there were only a few cars worth looking a Porsche Cayenne was completely out of the question..(for now)...but I found a Cadillac STS that was pretty sexy:

MMMMM..V8 Sexiness and it was a 2001 with only 70,000 miles on it..and they only wanted $7000 for it..what a deal!! I was originally looking for a Maxima or some other sporty tuner car but I realized that I'm getting older and that maybe I should choose something a little more "grown up" and again..I'm not rich.

I slapped the check from my credit union on the desk, signed 6 million documents and drove it home like I stole it.

But as usual in my shitty life..something went wrong.

I bought the car on Wednesday afternoon, Wednesday night I realized that if you drive at night and have the nerve to put on the left OR right turn signal - THE HEADLIGHTS TURN COMPLETELY OFF!!..niiiice, and safe too huh? Thank God for fog lights.

So Thursday morning, I call the dealership and let them know that sumpin' aint right. They offer to fix it and give me the number of the shop they use..yay?
After working through a "language barrier" with the guy at the shop, we set up a time for me to drop the car off the next day.

Here we are at Friday morning..4 AM..because insomnia is my friend. I went outside to check the trouble codes on the digital dash which involves pressing numerous buttons near the steering wheel, doing the hokey pokey (but only turning yourself halfway around) and then chanting something in Swahili.
I promise you, at least 50 codes came up but they were in the "history" area and not "current" which is a relief, I guess.

And then more shittiness.....

I tried to turn the car back on but it just made this clicking noise...what the ?...tried it again..tried to turn the radio mother...fucker!!

I unfortunately had to wait until the dealership opened at 9 AM to call and scream at them. Thankfully, the guy who picked up the phone was very nice and apologized for the trouble. He even offered to have the car picked up ASAP and that they would bring me a LOANER!! oh mahjeeesuscakes...and since I was so not used to being treated well, at first I was speechless...yeah, me, speechless.

My original salesman and some dude showed up a couple of hours later, jumped it and drove off assuring me that "everything would be fine"...yeah, we'll see.

They left me with a's kinda cute and it's a V6...I like having the ability to peel my tires when the light turns green...and that's all that counts in the end.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Talkin' Politics and Gang Signs

Our management has put out a "gag order" of sorts on Political Talk in the cube farm...yay

It seems that someone was offended by a (from what I hear freakin' heeelarious) group conversation that happened on Monday about John McCain's appearance.

Namely, his arms and how they don't match his body.

One co-worker said:

"Is it just me, or are his arms a little long for his body??"

(I guess his arms ARE long enough to box with god huh?? Oh, I slay me!!)

Well when this lady (The one who doesn't wash her hands after peeing) heard the jokes getting started she stands up all red faced and shaking and hollers:

"He was a P.O.W. for criminees sake!!! He bravely served his country..blah blah blah"

I heard that a hush fell over the crowd and then somebody changed the subject.

Later on, one of the managers called a "stand-up" meeting to basically say that we need to be mindful that "our words may hurt"...blah blah fucking blah

I guess No Woman, No Wash ran and told on everybody...heffa

So since we're complete jackasses, we've decided to come up with a "secret society" or gang, if you will, way to talk about politics without anybody suspecting it....

We have come up with our own gang signs: Yeah, we know they are not sign languagely correct)

The View Fox News (?)


Sarah Palin - 'cuz she's a "hang loose" type of broad

..And a beer drinker

Barack Obama

McCain (modified from below because it hurt our fingers)

If management is "on the floor" then we double up the M's to signal for Management Mafia

Then we double up the following if we see the all clear when they leave for the day as if to say: "Mafia Up...and OUT"

And my personal favorite....

Is it obvious that the majority of us are RAGING alcoholics??

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Got Gas?? We Don't...

Bob Andres

We seem to have a little gas shortage here in the's been going on for about 20 days.


Last Thursday, after getting into an argument with the Husband over, well.. gas, I tried to find a station that actually had gas.

It was almost MIDNIGHT and they were off the fucking chain busy.


I was able to fill up the "new" caddie (my car has finally decided to give up the fight..more on THAT bastard later) with regular gas because THANK GOD it takes regular gas and not premium like the stolen one did.

By Saturday somebody who shall remain nameless, had gone out with his buddy and racked up 85 miles on the tripometer..knowing full well that we had a party to go to that was, I swear, AN HOUR away..nice.

Sunday rolls around and now we're a little under half a tank..I'm panicking now..the caddie only gets 16 miles to the gallon.. so I start calling gas one is answering the phone..fuckers..I heard through an message board that a Quiktrip not too far away had gas..woo fuckin' hoo!!!

On the way, I drove by SIX stations that were bone dry...and church was about to let out...It's sad but true but I prayed that the Lord would keep them in church just a little longer so that I could get to the Quiktrip before they did..yes, I'm a heathen that is going STRAIGHT to hell.

When I got there, there was a line about 10 cars long..shit!!! But it was better than the line we saw the night before which was about FIFTY cars long.

I have to say that it was almost pleasant. The employees were very organized with orange cones and such and I only had to wait about 30 minutes..not bad since my co-worker had to wait for two hours and was only able to get $20 worth!!