Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Because It's Christmas Dammit!!!!

I swear, I'm going to get a fucking tattoo that says that...

Well the holidays were really busy..what else is new huh?
My brother the gigolo flew in to harass us and eat every morsel of food in sight..YAY!!

Since I didn't want a repeat of Vomitcon 2008, I mostly sat around and watched my family eat copious amounts of yummy looking food while I cleaned up after them..if I see one more fucking red plastic cup or dirty styrofoam plate, somebody is gonna die.
I managed to make a halfway decent Pineapple Upside Down cake..I think I was drunk because some of the pineapples near the middle are all wonky...

Christmas day, first we went to my cousin's house (She's actually my step-aunt but that sounds stupid) for the annual Christmas brunch..freakin' comedy I tell ya.
The theme this year was "Breakfast Burrito and Yogurt Parfait Bar"...what? she's an amateur event planner.
Then we went to a different cousin's house and ate more food..well, I mostly watched..but I did manage to eat lots of red velvet cake..oh and lemon cake..oh and some cookies..fat ass much?
Here's some pictures from Christmas Day:

Da Bar
Da other Bar

A shameful display of trees, wine and gifts

Me and the Hubby's cars in front of a house we could never afford..yes, we're pimps

Yet another picture in front of a completely different house that we don't own and can't afford.
The car in front is Grandad's..we're in a gang called "People with red cars and some have ridiculously big rims..but we look good when we pull in front of Church and/or the Club"..and sadly in the black community, that's really all that counts.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Yay Vomit!!!

It was my birthday yesterday..the big 36..yay?

From what I hear from my mom, ever since I was born, I have always had some sort of horrible illness on or around my birthday.

And since I'm all for tradition and shit, I decided to start my vomiting on Wednesday...and I just can't stop.

We had a "Food Day" on Wednesday (I'm sure Belly smelled it from 500 miles away) and in the span of 2 hours I ate:

A bowl of oatmeal
A donut
4 huge handfuls of pecan buttery caramel corn (We call it "crack corn" cuz it's just that good)
1 ham and provolone sandwich with pesto on sourdough
1 bowl of broccoli cheese soup, xtra broccoli (the semi-home made version)
1 slice of lemon meringue pie with the meringue scraped off (yeck)
1/2 a bag of goldfish
3 sips of Sprite

By the time I got to the Sprite my stomach was boiling and rightfully so, I guess.

I was sitting in the "mandatory fun" department meeting whose theme was fishing..or some other crap..and my mouth started to water and my forehead was sweating..uh oh.

I excused myself but not before the nosy ass department secretary told me in her "joking" way to sit my ass down..I got past her without flipping her the finger and proceeded to vomit for the next hour..ew.

I somehow got back to my desk and laid my head on the nice cool fake walnut..almost as good as the bathroom floor at home...but not as clean.

I was starting to get all warm and freaked out so I called my co-worker "Sista Don't Play" on her cell phone in the meeting and she then freaked out and brought my equally freaked out manager with her..I felt like such an ass...all I could do was cry when they asked me what was wrong.

"Sista Don't Play" is such a good caretaker. She took me to an empty conference room and tried to make me lay on the table while she made a "bed" out of blankets and 3 ring binders but I thought I'd vomit if I laid down..I really wanted to lay on the floor but she's a germophobe and that just "wadun't happnin".
Then she iced my forehead and neck..god bless that woman.

After about an hour, I felt okay enough to go back to my desk but guess what we noticed...a Subconjunctival hemorrhage..otherwise known as a NASTY RED EYEBALL..great, just fucking great.

For some reason, my dumb ass stayed at work for the rest of the day....then I even went to work the NEXT day, cuz I'm dumb...but I had to wear sunglasses because everytime one of those childing bastards at work saw my eye, they ran around screaing like 4 yr olds..I was even asked by one of them to "not look in their direction for a while", fuck off.
The rest of the idiots decided it would be funny to make comments about my "hollywood", you too can fuck off.

Thursday night, the vomiting started again..woo hoo.

Friday morning I couldn't take it anymore and went to the doctor...sigh, my doctor...she is such a jackass..she mostly chastised my food choices before AND after the first vomit event.."you ate oatmeal the next morning??? OMG!!!"...blah blah blah...
I threatened to yack on her pretty floor so she gave me a Ondansetron pill and told me to let it dissolve on my tongue..QUESTION: Why does a pill that is supposed to suppress nausea may you want to, well, vomit??

Then I gave all the blood and urine I could muster and they ran some tests...

Not Pregnant (whew)
Nothing Viral
Potassium is kinda low
Ketones in urine (uh, I was sick and couln't eat so then I couldn't exactly eat anything..due to the vomiting and all)

They made me stay for another hour while I got a nice IV bag of fluids..of course the nurse tried to kill me..oh the was like a damn crime scene but I was too weak to complain.

After all that, I'm feeling a little better..I didn't keep me from going to a party or two on Saturday of course...gotta keep the party goin'

Thursday, December 18, 2008


I think my brother is a gigolo.

He's a personal trainer...with big muscles...and long dreadlocks.

He also wears tight shirts...and his client base is 95% female.

Oh, and he always gets "perks" like plane tickets and cash..and free dinners...

Every time we are out in public women AND MEN gawk at 280 year old lady was flirting with him in the grocery store the last time he was here. *yeckkk*

Would it be rude to ask him to send me a couple of dollars when he visits for the holidays??

Maybe so.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Story Virus..It Itches A Little

Ok, so I was tagged by The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch who was tagged by Splotchy who was tagged by..oh I don't damn know..In italics is "the seed" and look what "blooms" in blue (Is it obvious that I used to work for a plant nursery??):

Here's what I would like to do. I want to create a story that branches out in a variety of different, unexpected ways. I don't know how realistic it is, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully, at least one thread of the story can make a decent number of hops before it dies out.If you are one of the carriers of this story virus (i.e. you have been tagged and choose to contribute to it), you will have one responsibility, in addition to contributing your own piece of the story: you will have to tag at least one person that continues your story thread. So, say you tag five people. If four people decide to not participate, it's okay, as long as the fifth one does. And if all five participate, well that's five interesting threads the story spins off into.Not a requirement, but something your readers would appreciate: to help people trace your own particular thread of the narrative, it will be helpful if you include links to the chapters preceding yours.-

The story begins -The bus was more crowded than usual. It was bitterly cold outside, and I hadn't prepared for it. I noticed that a fair number of the riders were dressed curiously. As I glanced around, I stretched my feet and kicked up against a large, heavy cardboard box laying under the seat in front of me. (Splotchy)
I hunched down to see what it was, but as I did, the bus violently veered to left. I was thrown up against a heavyset Asian woman with blond hair. I pardoned myself, but she faced forward with no reply. Just then, a man wearing a jumpsuit of silver and gold stood up at the front of the bus. He was holding a megaphone and a box of graham crackers. He held the megaphone up to his face and began to speak... (Some Guy)
"Yukon Cornelius was the greatest prospector that ever lived!" Waving the box of graham crackers over his head, "And the silver and gold nuggets in this box were mined by him at the North Pole!" It was then I noticed the box under the seat was also filled with graham crackers. Not name-brand ones made by the tree-dwelling elves, but the generic kind that come in white boxes meagerly labeled in big black letters: GRAHAM CRACKERS. Probably made by a guy named Butch who masturbates at lunch and doesn't wash his hands."And I had a whole bunch more right here on this bus until one of you misfits stole it! Gimme back my silver and gold!"As I contemplated the man's sanity the bus stopped at a red light, throwing the woman next to me into a fit of rage. Before I knew what was happening she had tossed me out of her way onto the floor and was lunging for the kook with the microphone. Her wig flew across the aisle as she jumped on the man's back and sunk her toothless gums into his shoulder. The two of them went down like a pine tree headed for a Boy Scout lot.The driver, startled by the commotion, looked up into his overhead mirror, accidentally removing his foot from the brake, and the bus rolled into the busy intersection. (Gwen)
He jammed his foot on the brake as soon as he looked up and saw the traffic coming at his bus from all directions and although he escaped the horrors of causing a multi-car pile up he was only mildly relieved. The driver was far too pissed off with his rowdy passengers to even notice that he had narrowly missed plowing over a woman pushing a baby stroller filled with kittens across the street.It was just as well because had he noticed he might have been very disappointed. The bus driver really hated kittens, but he had bigger matters at hand. He parked the bus and stormed his way back to Yukon Corneilius and the wig-less Asian lady who were currently engaged in what could only be described as a combination of Sumo wrestling and the Foxtrot. (The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch)
And then all of a sudden, Bebe Neuwirth popped up with a video camera and demanded that Wigless Asian and Yukon Cornelius "get down like you did in rehearsal"...*GASP* and then it became sadly evident that this was one of those "Guerilla Porno's" and this was the famous PORN BUS...Oh my! Wigless Asian was toothless for a reason!
Bommm Chicka Wah Wah..

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Slack Ass Bitch Checking In..

It has come to my attention that somebody has not posted since Nov 17th..hmm, who could it be??
Look, I've been umm..busy, yeah that's it..busy.

I've been spending my days (when I'm not working 16 jobs) renting movies from those dollar-a-day machines in the grocery store and Wal Mart..Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants TWO!!..I say that as if I saw Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants ONE...but they didn't have that in the machine at the time...oh and Hellboy 2??..hilarious but not $7.50 a ticket hilarious.

I also got caught up in the whole "decorating for the Holidays" racket and you should see my's ridiculous I tell ya...I found a 7.5 foot Saratoga Pine for 40 fucking dollars..I almost peed myself from the excitement..tempered by the fact that it doesn't have lights..and I spent two hours fluffing the damn thing but oh well.
But let me tell you..wait until the after Christmas sale at Garden Ridge..momma's got her eye on a 9 footer WITH LIGHTS and REALISTIC BRANCHES...eeeeeeeee!!!
My husband says that I have officially "Lost my shit"...but he said the tree looked nice thing you know, I'll be wearing a damn Christmas sweater like this:

Or God FORBID..this one:

I have instructed my husband to have me shot at sundown if this happens.

Monday, November 17, 2008

He's Got A Ticket To Ride...

And I don't care....

It seems that Belly has become quite ambitious since he got a promotion. He made a big production out of finally getting a girlfriend and now he's moving in with her...


Yaaaay thankyousomuchjaaysussourlordandsayvyuh!!!

So on his last day, I watched his big ass wanderin' around the office hugging on people (even though you tell they didn't want to), man giggling and I swear to God, he came up behind the lady across from me and kissed her on her neck while he hugged her FROM should have seen her face..I nearly pissed myself laughing...and it didn't help that she, being the sweetest person in the world, said: "Ummm, sweet of you".

I kept conveniently picking up phone calls so he couldn't molest me but he just kept hovering and pacing..I promise you, he hung around for like 15 minutes!! Then when he got tired of acting like he wasn't waiting for me to get off of the phone, he put his big ass belly up against my cube wall and blew out a hot breathed, high pitched: "Damn guuurl, I'm gonna miss youuuu"...while I was on the fucking phone with a fucking customer.


I had to put my phone on Mute and force out a strained "Oh, me too"...lying is fun.

So the jackass has finally left the building..finally.

But of course you know with Belly, the story doesn't end there....

There I was, this past Sunday morning, cooking bacon..minding my own fucking business when my cell phone rings..who the fuck could it be??

Me: Hello?
Caller: Heeeeey Guurl!! I'm home!! I finally made it!!
Me: Umm...great!! Who's this?

Because at this point, I thought it was my FEMALE co-worker who I have named "Frugal as a Motherfucker But Throws Parties Like a Queen".

But to my chagrin, it was Belly...(he must have smelled the bacon from waaay up there...)

Belly: It's me,'ve forgotten my voice so soon??
Me: Umm..hi
Belly: I was just calling to see if they have started playing musical chairs yet.
Me: Huh?
Belly: Did they move you yet?
(We're getting some new employees on our team and this will be our 6th "desk move" to date)
Me: No..not yet.
Belly: What are you doing right now?
Me: Cooking FOR MY HUSBAND..and watching football.
Belly: Is he a Cowboys fan?
Me:..Uh, I guess.
Belly: Well, I just wanted to let you know that I made it here ok..and all..and uh..My girlfriend says hi.
Girlfriend: Hiiiiiiiiii!!!
(Great, now two fucking weirdos know my number..that poor girl)
Me: Uh, hi...
Belly: Well I guess I'll let you guys get back to your day...[insert weird pause here]
Me: OK..bye...*CLICK*

WTF?? He is so..strange..he used to do the same thing when he was married. He liked to call me while she was sitting beside him and try to talk me to fucking death at weird hours of the day and night.

Note to Belly: We are so NOT cool like dat
Note to self: Get a new cell phone number
And for the comic relief portion of this post, I give you Belly and his Girlfriend

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Cadillac Update

Well, I kept the car....

The dealership fixed the turn signal/headlight issue and even gave me a new battery with a 3 yr warranty..but then they tried to play dumb about the steering noise issue..fuck 'em, I'm tired.

I'm still in love with my old car though...every time I see one on the road or at a light, I stare like a sad old sappy broad.

I'm pretty sure people are wondering what the fuck I'm staring at but oh well.

I think I'll get the windows tinted on the'll look cooler then...and after all, looking cool is my main goal. Ha!

The Grand Prix GTP is STILL for damn sale...I swear, I'll take $1,000 for it at this really, I will.

Here's what my old car WISHES it looked like *sigh* If I had more money, I'd probably make it happen..but I don't, so that's the end of that discussion I guess.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008


As you can imagine, there are some "scorched grits" here in the South.

But I guess they'll just need to get over it.

I was trying to think of something "profound" to say but I'm still in shock and frankly, I'm a little scared.
Scared because I know that there are some crazy bastards in this world that will stop at NOTHING in order to get their point across so to speak.
This brings to mind the circus of bullshit called racism in the South that I've unfortunately been invited to on many occasions as a black person.
Once I was called a nigger by a 2 yr old in McDonald's while her parents watched and laughed..yeah, nice.

But imagine that happening on a daily basis....

I worked at The King Center for many years. People always asked me: "Isn't it just a wonderful place to work??"
At the time, I really couldn't give them an "honest" answer because I was so caught up in the obligatory office bullshit that everybody goes through at some point:

  • Betty won't clean up after her filthy ass self
  • Somebody left piss on the seat in the Ladies room..niiiice
  • Who keeps leaving a file labeled "J" in the "P" folder location??
  • One month we were so poor, we had to choose between cable, coffee or air conditioning

Blah blah blah

Oh!! and my favorite thing was the CEO dissed me by insisting that my desk be placed in the FUCKING FILE CABINET ROOM!!

Yeah, that was fun...

But what I failed to realize was that my desk had the most beautiful view of the crypt where Dr. King is buried and of the eternal flame.

And then I thought of all that he'd been through in order to get to where he got before he was murdered and all that had happened in the decades since...lead not only by Black people but by people of ALL RACES that gave their lives to get us here.

And then I cried like a big ole baby, right there in the file room

I wanted to cry like that again last night but my Husband was soooo fucking drunk and belligerent that it kinda ruined the moment for me..he, on the other hand, was having a wonderful time and repeatedly tried to get some "Obama Lovin" but I wasn't havin it..(we're SUCH lovebirds.)

I understand that people are pissed and disappointed saying that we've been duped by Obama and that we'll live to regret our vote but I'm a little more hopeful.
I know there are going to be quite a few things that he'll do that I won't agree with but hell, nobody's perfect.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween Bitches!!!

I am SUCH a fucking Lady ....aint I?

I dressed up (as usual) for Halloween because I'm just fun like that.

Of course (again, as usual), nobody else did...because they suck.

I was a 60's Stewardess/Air Hostess/Secret Agent named Josie Starlight..I even bedazzled her machine guns...yeah,I go big, so can I go home?.

Maybe if I can blur my face and fat ass out enough, I'll post pictures tomorrow.

Now go eat some candy.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Just Bought A Cadillac..Again..Oh Look! A Lemon!

Well, I finally killed my old car..(poor thing was smoking and everything) and since I had already been turned down by my credit union THREE times, I didn't really expect that they'd give in this time BUT THEY DID!! Woo damn Hoo

Normally, I get screwed royally at dealerships because I make the mistake of financing with them...bad credit is soooo not cute.

It feels so good to walk into the dealership and slap a check on the desk, sure is a different experience.

I've been looking at Supercharged Grand Prixs like my old one but the new body style looks like a rental if you ask me..but you didn't.

With my measly budget of $8000, there were only a few cars worth looking a Porsche Cayenne was completely out of the question..(for now)...but I found a Cadillac STS that was pretty sexy:

MMMMM..V8 Sexiness and it was a 2001 with only 70,000 miles on it..and they only wanted $7000 for it..what a deal!! I was originally looking for a Maxima or some other sporty tuner car but I realized that I'm getting older and that maybe I should choose something a little more "grown up" and again..I'm not rich.

I slapped the check from my credit union on the desk, signed 6 million documents and drove it home like I stole it.

But as usual in my shitty life..something went wrong.

I bought the car on Wednesday afternoon, Wednesday night I realized that if you drive at night and have the nerve to put on the left OR right turn signal - THE HEADLIGHTS TURN COMPLETELY OFF!!..niiiice, and safe too huh? Thank God for fog lights.

So Thursday morning, I call the dealership and let them know that sumpin' aint right. They offer to fix it and give me the number of the shop they use..yay?
After working through a "language barrier" with the guy at the shop, we set up a time for me to drop the car off the next day.

Here we are at Friday morning..4 AM..because insomnia is my friend. I went outside to check the trouble codes on the digital dash which involves pressing numerous buttons near the steering wheel, doing the hokey pokey (but only turning yourself halfway around) and then chanting something in Swahili.
I promise you, at least 50 codes came up but they were in the "history" area and not "current" which is a relief, I guess.

And then more shittiness.....

I tried to turn the car back on but it just made this clicking noise...what the ?...tried it again..tried to turn the radio mother...fucker!!

I unfortunately had to wait until the dealership opened at 9 AM to call and scream at them. Thankfully, the guy who picked up the phone was very nice and apologized for the trouble. He even offered to have the car picked up ASAP and that they would bring me a LOANER!! oh mahjeeesuscakes...and since I was so not used to being treated well, at first I was speechless...yeah, me, speechless.

My original salesman and some dude showed up a couple of hours later, jumped it and drove off assuring me that "everything would be fine"...yeah, we'll see.

They left me with a's kinda cute and it's a V6...I like having the ability to peel my tires when the light turns green...and that's all that counts in the end.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Talkin' Politics and Gang Signs

Our management has put out a "gag order" of sorts on Political Talk in the cube farm...yay

It seems that someone was offended by a (from what I hear freakin' heeelarious) group conversation that happened on Monday about John McCain's appearance.

Namely, his arms and how they don't match his body.

One co-worker said:

"Is it just me, or are his arms a little long for his body??"

(I guess his arms ARE long enough to box with god huh?? Oh, I slay me!!)

Well when this lady (The one who doesn't wash her hands after peeing) heard the jokes getting started she stands up all red faced and shaking and hollers:

"He was a P.O.W. for criminees sake!!! He bravely served his country..blah blah blah"

I heard that a hush fell over the crowd and then somebody changed the subject.

Later on, one of the managers called a "stand-up" meeting to basically say that we need to be mindful that "our words may hurt"...blah blah fucking blah

I guess No Woman, No Wash ran and told on everybody...heffa

So since we're complete jackasses, we've decided to come up with a "secret society" or gang, if you will, way to talk about politics without anybody suspecting it....

We have come up with our own gang signs: Yeah, we know they are not sign languagely correct)

The View Fox News (?)


Sarah Palin - 'cuz she's a "hang loose" type of broad

..And a beer drinker

Barack Obama

McCain (modified from below because it hurt our fingers)

If management is "on the floor" then we double up the M's to signal for Management Mafia

Then we double up the following if we see the all clear when they leave for the day as if to say: "Mafia Up...and OUT"

And my personal favorite....

Is it obvious that the majority of us are RAGING alcoholics??

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Got Gas?? We Don't...

Bob Andres

We seem to have a little gas shortage here in the's been going on for about 20 days.


Last Thursday, after getting into an argument with the Husband over, well.. gas, I tried to find a station that actually had gas.

It was almost MIDNIGHT and they were off the fucking chain busy.


I was able to fill up the "new" caddie (my car has finally decided to give up the fight..more on THAT bastard later) with regular gas because THANK GOD it takes regular gas and not premium like the stolen one did.

By Saturday somebody who shall remain nameless, had gone out with his buddy and racked up 85 miles on the tripometer..knowing full well that we had a party to go to that was, I swear, AN HOUR away..nice.

Sunday rolls around and now we're a little under half a tank..I'm panicking now..the caddie only gets 16 miles to the gallon.. so I start calling gas one is answering the phone..fuckers..I heard through an message board that a Quiktrip not too far away had gas..woo fuckin' hoo!!!

On the way, I drove by SIX stations that were bone dry...and church was about to let out...It's sad but true but I prayed that the Lord would keep them in church just a little longer so that I could get to the Quiktrip before they did..yes, I'm a heathen that is going STRAIGHT to hell.

When I got there, there was a line about 10 cars long..shit!!! But it was better than the line we saw the night before which was about FIFTY cars long.

I have to say that it was almost pleasant. The employees were very organized with orange cones and such and I only had to wait about 30 minutes..not bad since my co-worker had to wait for two hours and was only able to get $20 worth!!


Thursday, September 25, 2008

Stupid Shit We Talk About At 5 A.M.

Last night the Hubby fell asleep watching TV in the guest room that has somehow turned into the den.
After SEVERAL attempts to wake him up, I decided to leave his snoring ass in there..but I woke up in a panic at 5 AM looking for him.

I went in there all groggy and pissed and woke him up and here's how the conversation went:

Me: Wake up and go to bed
Him: mhnfmndkls*
Me: wha??
Him: I was having a dream that I was dance-battlin' that girl from Save The Last Dance
Me: Oh yeah? did it go?
Him: Well, I "served" her ass, OF COURSE!
Me: yeah, OF COURSE!!
Him: Then Chris Brown showed up
Me: Why?
Him: I guess he wanted a piece of me too, so I gave him the business like I did ole' girl.
Me: Yes baby, because you are the "King Of The Dance Battle"
Him: You are soo right.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

So Damn Sensitive

So my co-worker, I call him Little Drama Boy (more on that later), came back from lunch today PISSED AS ALL HELL because the cashier at the grocery store said something he felt that was "wildly inappropriate".

He paid for his lunch with a bunch of singles and the lady said:
"Ha, I know where you've been..hee hee"
So he gets all crazy and says "Uh NO YOU DON'T!!"
So she says "Oh well maybe you earned them..ha ha"
To make it worse, the lady behind him laughed too...

He says that he snatched his change and bag and stomped out of the store in a huff....


It seems that he's a VERY religious person that "doesn't joke like that".

I swear, I thought he was joking so I laughed throughout the whole he's mad at me and I'm getting a "look" from him..jeeesusss chriiist!!

oops..did I just take the Lord's name in vain??

Friday, September 19, 2008

The Bitch Is Back

Could somebody please eesplain to me why the hell I am up at 5:44 AM typing shit???

I guess I miss the innurnets.....

Oh, speaking of that, it looks like the governor called at the last minute and I've been granted a reprieve.
Remember my supervisor Jackass? Well it seems that they've changed their minds about my "permanent record" and have decided to NOT add the "internet issue" to it.


I guess that was their newest little scare tactic to get us to do our work..but I was ALREADY doing my work..and her work..and his work..and THEIR work!!!

Whatever, stupid.

Hmm, what else has been going on...Oh!! My piece O shit car is just about dead....seems that all those years of saying "Oil change?? We don't need no steenkin' oil change!" have finally caught up with me. I guess engine cylinders don't like to rub up against other engine parts all raw dog..oops, my bad.

I might be able to sell it for $1,200 if I'm lucky..I paid $14,000 for it..ouch..but of course that was eight years ago and it's an American car so I guess the math works out after all.

Call me crazy, but I really want to buy another one..just like it..maybe newer..yes, I like to be punished..but the car looks so damn sexy..when it has a nice paint job..and clean wheels, and a lubricated engine and all.
But where the hell am I going to find $5,000 for a "new" one?? I dunno.

Maybe I'll start a Paypal fund and beg on the for some people. Yay Karyn!!

Monday, September 08, 2008


It has come to my attention that I haven't blogged in 227 years.

Over Labor Day, I went to visit my in-laws then this weekend, we invited my Brother-in-law and his family to our house and they have a BABY...and in between all that, I worked TWO jobs...I'm tired damn it.

I feel like all I did this weekend was cook and wipe things off.

I'm going to sleep now...maybe I'll return later.


Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Olympics Whore

Just because you can run or swim REALLY fucking fast, doesn't mean that you've got to be doping...(OK, let's just try to forget Marion Jones..AHEM!) and can't an athlete just be gifted??

Usain Bolt is my new Jamaican boyfriend and Michael Phelps is on my list of "white guys that could get it (not to be confused with my list of "any guy walking that could get it list)...even with his underbite, minuscule ass and ALL...

Tall men are yummy aren't they? I imagine myself climbing to the top of one of them and just sittin' for a spell while enjoying a nice glass of iced tea.

(of course my husband is not aware of these things...and come to think of it, neither are Usain and Michael but now we're getting caught up in the details, dammit)

However, in this house, it is our opinion that Usain "Lightning" Bolt has a rocket implanted in his ass....and Michael Phelps is 1/4 dolphin on his father's side...what? We've done's true..or maybe that was just the Vodka talking.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Blocked By A Jackass


Sometimes I really hate working here....

I've been hesitant to blog this week because it seems that I've become a threat to the success of my company BECAUSE I USE THE INTERNET...urrgh...

I work for a really stuffy, uptight company that would rather die than let their employees who work TEN hours a day or more, blow off a little steam by looking at the Internet which may, god forbid, show certain aspects of the outside fat women in bathing suits or used cars.

Last month, my supervisor called me into the conference room to discuss the number of "blocked" websites that I have attempted to access over the past month. From this point on, this person will be called Jackass - to protect the Jackasses involved.

Actually what Jackass did was embarrass the fuck out of me by first calling me on my desk phone saying some shit about "hey, can I come by and talk to you for a sec?" it was gonna be all casual or like the time Jackass bought some cards from me..then Jackass comes over to my desk and stands there..with these papers in their hand and says "can we talk in the conference room? ALL LOUD AND SHIT SO EVERYBODY HEARD HIM.. and I'm all "uh, OK" and then Jackass waited there while I had to log out of my phone and try to pull my shit together while EVERYBODY unprofessional. (now everybody teases me about that shit)

So once we get in there, he pulls out this little report that shows all the web sites that I went to lately that just happened to be blocked.
Once you hit a "certain number" of these, you get an ugly little email from Corporate that says in so many words, "bitch, we see you..pump your brakes".
Then, if you hit a few more, you get another email THEN they contact your supervisor..uh oh.

We discussed the report and even he admitted that the sites looked harmless but that he had to document that he actually talked to me blah blah...sign here...blah blah...we'll talk again next month..blah blah.

*Cut to the "next month":

Jackass pulls the call me, come to my desk, ask me into a conference room and embarrass me routine AGAIN but this time Jackass says that Jackass spoke to "someone" and they felt that this was a really serious situation that warranted documentation be put into my permanent file...Then Jackass shows me this piece of shit letter that stated in part that my actions caused my fellow co-workers to have to work harder due the shift in workload....


Let me get this straight Mr. Supervisor...

1. I never actually got to the sites
2. The sites weren't porn, most were music related and one of them was a GOSPEL music site
3. EVERY MONTH you blow smoke up my ass telling me how proud you are of me because out of over 100 people in the dept, I answer and resolve the most calls which is so special given the fact that I work a 4 day work week that includes a fucking Saturday..blah fuckin' blah.
4. Strangely, EBAY and aren't blocked though.
5. You are part of a group of assholes that is worse than a bunch of high school girls - Management Team, my ass.

This shit will stay in my file for the next three years...which will possibly fuck up any chance for a promotion and my yearly raise won't buy a loaf of bread.
I brought up those concerns and Jackass basically "poo pooed" me and told me that it "shouldn't matter because lots of people have things in their file that don't hinder them"..yeah right.

I swear...

Now I'm forced to send my supervisor an email every time I get one of those "blocked site" screens I suspect so the Jackass team can have a paper trail to fuck me with later.

The shit part is that they block new sites every day, so a site that you've been going to forever could fuck you with no warning.

My next two stops:

Human Resources and the Iphone Store.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

*UPDATE* - We Like Breaking Shit In The Breakroom

Maybe the maintenance guys here read my blog....

Seems that they fashioned a new drain cover..this time sober.

It almost looks professional for god's sake....But alas...the holes are STILL too small

But not too small for Ramen Noodles to threaten to fuck it up..again...

I just can't wait to get the next shitty email from maintenance!!

Thursday, August 07, 2008

We Like Breaking Shit In The Breakroom

We have an ice machine/water dispenser in our breakroom at my "day" job.

Every few weeks we get a nasty email from the maintenance guys telling us not to wash grapes, salads, ass parts etc in the ice machine because "once again, it was clogged with grapes, salads, ass parts etc", "If this continues to happen, we WILL remove this machine!!"..blah blah b;ah

We usually try to figure out who the hell did it but it never quite pans out. We bitch and complain and ask for a proper sink but they claim that we don't have the plumbing for it or some shit..uh..what?

Well I guess they finally got tired of us and decided to put a "new" grate over the half ass one that came with the machine..take a gander at this bullshit....

Notice the signage overkill..nice touch huh?

Here's a close up of what we like to call:
1. Tetanus Shot Central
2. Lock Jaw Alley
3. What The Hell IS That Sharp Ass Thing Anyway?? edges and incredibly small drainage holes..what a nice job someone did with the "precision" cutting...seemingly on the back of their tailgate..while drunk...and high...yay for quality workmanship.

I'm really surprised that mold hasn't started to form on that metal thing...eww
My co-worker "Sista Don't Play That" suggested that we jam that sharp ass thing down the drain for shits and giggles...I swear, she has the best ideas sometimes.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit...

I just got back from what I like to call a "mandatory fun" store meeting for my part-time job.

And I could just die...

The tradition of these meetings is to feed us cold pizza and warm soda then force us to learn shit about an upcoming season or event that they feel is important.

The company/store I work at is going bat shit over the Olympics because a shitload of athletes are wearing their brand, therefore we must all go bat shit to "keep the brand alive"...whatever.

One of the clinics tonight involved trivia pertaining to our company's presence at the Olympics throughout the years..I fucking looove trivia...because I'm a smart ass know it all...don't hate....

We split off into teams.

I paid attention during the little presentation and answered the majority of the questions correctly..and got a "gold" medal..woo damn hoo..I love to win...I knew that there would be some pretty good prizes to win like free shoes and who the hell doesn't love free shoes??

After 4 more presentations in other parts of the store, I racked up a couple more medals and actually had a good time..until it came to the final little question and answer grouping where we went against the other teams....

The equipment/shoe tech expert asked a question that challenged you to answer two questions about the 1972 Olympics...Oh hell yeah, I got this...But for some reason, no one saw my hand go up..fuckers..and another team got to answer..shit..the very young, very cocky "team spokesperson" fucker got up and made a big deal out of going to get a re-release model of the shoe that was worn back then and tried to make a little skit out of the whole thing BUT THEN...He called the shoe by the wrong name and my whole team starts screaming at me to "STEAL!! damn it!!" so I did...

Me: oooh!! oooh!! ooooh!!
Me: The '72 Olympics were held in Munich and the shoe we debuted was the blahhty blah blah..
Very Young, Very Cocky Fucker: *pause* Well you were there, so I guess you would know

and the crowd went wild

I'm only 35 but they seem to think I'm 98 or something.

Have you ever heard 40 very young, very cocky fuckers laughing AT you and saying "oooo, that was coooold"...It didn't feel so good.

The shit part was that I didn't really hear what he said at first because I was too busy trying to prove my point..but when I looked over to the "management pit", you could tell they were all red in the face and looking embarrassed for me.

All I could do was say.."well..uh were wrong" and sit my dumb ass down..I tried to smile and laugh through it all while the equipment/shoe tech expert tried her best to move things along.

After working there for almost 5 years, I've heard a few comments from the young ones like one day when I was dancing (because that's what we do in there when we're bored) and one of the girls goes "Oh god, you are SO acting your age"....shook that one off...then earlier on in the meeting tonight, another girl said "No wonder you did so well in the history part..hahaha". She didn't finish her little joke but I know what that fat piglet meant.

All of those things were fine..well not fine but at least manageable since they weren't said in front of EVERY FUCKING BODY!!....*sigh*

Part of me feels stupid for trying to smile while I held back tears (my hands were actually shaking) and I'm so mad at myself for not saying or doing anything because normally, I wouldn't stand for that type of shit ESPECIALLY from the likes of him.

The sad part is that the way he said it was actually kind of funny and I would have laughed if it WASN'T DIRECTED AT ME!!

Oh, and it didn't help that for the pot luck portion of things I brought home-made pesto, tomato bruschetta and olive tapenade (ok I got the last thing from Whole Foods but since it was in my home for a few's homemade to me).

As soon as I set it all out on my fabulous serving paraphernalia, one of those young bastards yells out: "Whuuut is dat?? Caviar??

Yeah, jackass..all of it was caviar...and I produced it from my old lady egg sacs.

*double sigh*

Thursday, July 31, 2008

We Needed To Have A Meeting About The Meeting

Corporate America needs to stop it.

First of all, this morning I had to get up an hour earlier than usual to go to a training class at our sister facility TWENTY MILES AWAY FROM MY HOUSE...IN HORRIBLE TRAFFIC...oh, and I had to bring "homework"...In order to stay awake for the long two hour class, I made the mistake of drinking waaay too much of my homemade coffee (because I have a tendency to fall asleep in conference/training rooms) and now my stomach is boiling..loose stool..mmm yummy.

When I got in the car to leave, I noticed that it was BELOW "E"...great...Since payday isn't until tomorrow, I floated a check at Publix to get some cash (because I am the picture of financial responsibility) and then had to pray all the way to the gas fucking kills me how little gas I can get for $20 these days.

Then if that wasn't enough, once I got back to the office I realized that we had a 1.5 hour "team meeting" to go to which meant I only had 20 minutes to eat my lunch.

As you can imagine, I wasn't exactly an "effective team member" for the rest of the day.

You can call me "Irritable Bitch" today - thankyouverymuch

And then we can have a meeting to discuss it.

Friday, July 25, 2008


My friend and co-worker called to say that her husband (who I call "Big Boy") collapsed at the gym last night and WENT INTO CARDIAC ARREST!!


This is a 35 year old guy who STILL plays football every weekend, has lost a good 50 pounds AND is in the best shape of his life...

And then I look at my and my husband's out of shape asses..this doesn't look good.

She said that after he regained consciousness in the hospital, he was laughing and joking and had the nerve to say that he wanted to go

It's sad that our men think that they are invincible and that "doctors are full of shit" (as my husband would say)..granted, a very small number of them have been full o' shit but at least I WENT IN to find that out...*grumble*

I finally got back in the gym earlier this week and walked 1.6 miles on the treadmill..nothing to write home about but it's a start..I guess...I was feeling all great until I stepped off the damn thing, got dizzy and almost fainted..

It's scary to think that my friend's husband said that he felt just like that last night.

I plan on going home tonight and hugging the hell out of my husband.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Weird Traditions

So I know we're about TEN DAYS late but...

We ate a piece of or wedding cake top the other

I was told that it was good luck or something so I did as I was told and wrapped it up real tight for freezing...but because we have the smallest freezer known to man, I tucked it away in my friend's deep freezer in her garage.

Cut to the weekend before 7/7/08 - I call my friend to tell her that we're coming by to pickup our frozen block of weirdness and she says: "oh..umm, we may have a problem"....huh?, what problem??
"Well, it MAY or MAY NOT taste like habaneros...uh, there was a African Stew spilling incident in the freezer recently"...oh..ok.

When we got it, the outside foil smelled a little funky but I gloved up (actually I just put plastic Zip-locs on my hands) and re-wrapped a 100 degree humidity..yay.

I let it defrost a little in the freezer for a while. The whole time, TOH is claiming that he will MAKE me taste it fist, "Just in case it's nasty"..great...thanks. But of course, In my mind I'm thinking that I'm going to make HIM taste it first....He claimed that he couldn't enjoy the first time around because he had "The Bubble Guts" all day at our wedding..nervous much??

It looked pretty good..I guess

It looked dry..but strangely, it wasn't...the frosting tasted fresh still..sort of.

and after 10 minutes of hemming and hawing from my husband..we got through it..It wasn't exactly bad per se..but it wasn't actually all that good either...

Then we came to our senses...

and decided that this would be the best place to "store" the rest of the cake...

Looks like somebody - who shall remain nameless - needs to take the damn trash out already..for shit's sake!!

But I do love him..really, I do.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Being A Whore As Usual

This week I have dubbed myself the "Store Whore" at my part time job.

I have yet another "work crush" on yet another "boy" at work..I'm such a skeezer.

There's this guy who works in the store room downstairs and I swear, the first time I saw him, I almost fainted..He's maybe 6'6" and probably weighs around 350 a good way..oh, and his skin is like smooth, dark chocolate...yum

He makes my lust worse by wearing really tight shirts like this:

And believe me when I say: He fills out every inch of it...and then some.

My best day was when he was asked to demonstrate some of the training equipment..oh yeah, that was nice...and there I was, being the cougar, so sad.

But then he opened his mouth to speak and it sounded like:

"duh duh duh duh"

What a turn off...good looking men should just shut up and look fine sometimes.

Don't worry, I informed my husband of my whoreishness and as usual, all he is worried about is if the man can "help out with some of the bills around here"....

Oh, Men.

Monday, July 07, 2008

And We're Stiiilll Together...

Yes people, it's been one whole year since I married that dude...and hey, we haven't killed each other yet..but tomorrow is another day.

We've actually been together since '98..damn that seems like forever ago...but this year seems to have flown by.

It hasn't been easy though - considering that two weeks ago, I wanted him to "get the hell out of my house" - but we've worked it all out..mostly..and I wouldn't trade him for any man (except maybe Brad Pit..or Derek Jeter..or The Rock..AHEM..anywayyyys).

I love the hell out of my husband..who else can I actually watch and laugh at Elmo on Sesame Street with or trade farts with that won't think I'm wacked??
Not bad for a guy that I met on the Internet huh?

We went to Whole Foods yesterday and spent 700 million dollars on two ORGANIC tomatoes, 15 pine nuts, a box of frozen mussels (which were actually very good), a rosemary/olive oil demi baguette and some fresh mozzarella...since when did we get so damn bourgie??

Oh, and I actually made pesto for the first time..and no one died. I figured I should do SOMETHING with that poor basil plant (that I've had to replace twice due to neglect).
So anyway, I made this appetizer thing that's made of sliced tomatoes sprinkled with salt, pepper and olive oil, schmeared with pesto and topped with the fresh mozzarella that can I just say, is the most dangerous thing to slice EVER?? and the digressing...
here's a pic that I found on the innurnets:

Except I put mine under the broiler....and it wasn't stacked so high..ha

Then we made mussels with a cream garlic white wine sauce..yum

And since we're greedy bastards, for dessert we had peach cobbler and ice cream..hell naw, I didn't make the cobbler...Mrs. Smith's does a wonderful job.

Tonight we plan on going to a nice Brazilian steakhouse downtown...with a 2 for 1 coupon..because we're just cheap like that and because we can't seem to keep our asses out of Whole Foods aka "The 700 million dollar grocery bill place".

Oh..this is SO my favorite song right now..the lyrics really hit home....

Mary J Blige - Be Without You

*Edited to add:

I can't believe I said I put mine under the BOILER..instead of embarrassing...I have since changed it because I am anal like that...

Sunday, June 29, 2008

FedEx - Just Stop The Madness

As usual, I'm irritated by a certain company's foolishness... bastards.

I used to love FedEx, my friend Freddie worked for them and I used to hang out in the FedEx store downtown with him..inappropriate? Of course.

Oh, and there used to be this FIIIIIINE Fedex guy that would deliver to this office I worked in. Mmm, nice shorts... Every time we would hear his little computer thing beeping from around the corner, all the ladies in the office would line up like whores at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch and primp and smile at him..."Hiii FedEx guy"..God, we were such tramps.

Have I mentioned that I get a really obscene discount at the store where I serve time work part time?

Well, one day I made the mistake of letting one of my co-workers at my day job find this little fact out and (as rumors in a cubicle farm usually do) it spread like wildfire except it didn't burn down the office..damn it.

Anteeeeway, their last order came up to nearly $400. I ordered it all online and fully expecting it to be shipped to my house ON TIME like it always does but noooo, that's just how my luck fucks me.

First, two small boxes came:

1 with a T-shirt for my fashionally challenged coworker Hee Haw Woo Hoo
1 with a pair of gym shorts for the same fashionally challenged man
(what a waste of cardboard)

*begin long-winded rant here*

Did I tell you that it took over two days of tortuous persuasion for me to get him to even order this shit? An order that also included a very nice pair of kicks and another outfit...for chrissakes, he was actually sweating at one point and nervously wringing his hands hoping that what me and 3 other women picked out for him was "cool looking"..It seems that even though this man can decorate homes so well that I, in fact, swore he was gay once - this doesn't quite carry over to his fashion sense..poor thing wears high water corduroy pants and boots like these...

With really thick, white tube socks..and Hawaiian shirts..that are 2 sizes too the summer..poor guy.

So the first two boxes came via UPS on Thursday..yay UPS, you have never let me down..brown..
But for some stupid reason, the bulk of the order was sent via FedEx...whatever
On Friday I tracked the package and it showed as "delivered".great, it found Jesus, Halaluyerrr. I called TOH and he said he "don't know nuthin' 'bout buurthin' no box"..hmm, strange.
I then checked the signature online and it said S.Spele...WTF?? Who Dat?
So then I called FedEx and they said that yes indeed, the package was at my house.
I got box...called FedEx again:

Fedex CS Girl: Mmm Hmm, delivered
Me: Nope, uh uh
Fedex CS Girl: Maybe you should ask your neighbors
Me: Uh, I've only seen them twice and spoken to them once, sort of..
Fedex CS Girl: Let's put a trace on it, someone will call you..maybe in 24-48 hours
Me: (thinking) yeah, sure - sounds hopeful

I actually followed her advice and asked my next door neighbor, who's teenage daughter said that " Two different colored trucks came, but I don't know what happened after that"...yep, weed smoke and X pills talkin'...she probably had all my damn shoes in her closet..but I digress..
Then I went and knocked on the door directly below answer..bitch, I see your damn car, I KNOW YOU'RE HOME!!!
Then I knocked next door to her...great, the condo where the oldest Asian woman in history lives with her crazy, leg biting, inbred terrier...the dog of course is going bat-shit while I try to explain who I am and what I'm looking for, then her son came to the door (he's pretty damn old too) and said something about "No" then closed the door...*sigh*

I called FedEx back and got the same line of bullshit about a trace and contacting the driver..blah fuckin' blah.

It's nearly 9pm at this point so I called the CS center for my company and he said that he saw no such trace..but that HE would start one too..great.wonderful.

I tossed and turned all night trying to figure out how I was going to pay my co-workers their "damn money" if this box never showed back up and then how I was going to have to set up a complaint booth at my desk for all the bitching that would ensue.

The next day, I called FedEx AGAIN. This time I got a guy who said he was going to call the terminal or distribution center, or something and he put me on hold..yay, pro activeness...he came back on the line and said that the driver "Left it at the leasing office"....huh?? I live in a gated,private condo community and WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A LEASING OFFICE for shit's sake!!
Then he said, "Oh"...just Oh...then he put me back on hold while I fumed and cursed..out work..I'm such a professional..he came back on and said that the driver was in the area and that he would "try to figure out what he did with it and re-deliver the box"..Is it just me, or does that sound like an extra helping of dumbass on the driver's part??

I thanked the CS guy for being great..because he was, and then I promised to dance at his wedding..then he let out a nervous, awkward laugh and so did I..then I hung up.

When I got home today, the box was in front of the door...and I could tell that some fucker had opened it and did a shitty job of re-taping it closed..

Luckily for FedEx, nothing was missing.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

I Am One Boring Broad

Good Lord..I haven't blogged in like..26 years.

I've been in a shitty mood and the whole laziness thing happened and all...*ahem*

Seems that since Belly's sister is working in my dept. now, he has a reason to be over here again..SHIT!!

He looks like Hogsqueal from The SpiderWick Chronicles..ha

And he was eyeballin' me today. I should have spit at him...because after all, I AM the most lady-like bitch that you know.

I'm still not pregnant...*sigh* of course maybe it's all for the best. I couldn't imagine being more irritable than I am right now.

I've been gardening..well actually more like "patioing" since we have no yard...seems that hot, oppresive sun is not good for petunias. EVEN THOUGH the damn tag said full sun..they sure were pretty for that first day though..oh well.

I have blogger's block..can ya tell?

I promise, I'll have something meaningful to say..soon.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Why Is It That...

Why is it that most snacks that are bad for you come in a loud, crinkly wrappers?

So much for being sneaky and eating my Ho Ho in peace...Belly's fat ass probably heard it from two departments over!!!

Friday, June 13, 2008

The Belly Spreads...

Belly's sister works with us now as a temp....OMG you should see's what I have observed in a few short days:

Belly told me that she'd already had the GB because she used to weigh about 500 pounds....I personally think that she should ask for a do-over because it looks like this one didn't "take".

I estimate her current weight to be around 473..but I could be wrong.

She wears her hair like a little girl: Square parted with a ponytail STICKING OUT THE TOP!! Imagine this..but on a large, grown-ass, black woman..equally as sad.

Poor thing has a low hanging pannus too..*lunch just came up a little*

Oh, and she wears fake hazel contacts ...who is she tryin' to fool?

On the good side, her skin is freakin' FLAWLESS and she's actually quite pretty.

I caught Belly looking at me longingly today..eww..I had half a mind to go over and stab him in the ribs with a steak knife but I figured that would get me fired.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

And Then I Ran Down The Hall Screaming...

I was talking to my freakin' hilarious co-worker - Let's call him Hee Haw Woo Hoo - when who bounds around the corner???...yes, it was fat ass Belly!!!..carrying a vegetable plate from the cafeteria..[insert giggles here]

I was trying to tell a story of how one of the temps we call "Connie" (because she cons everybody out of money) that I barely even know, molestered me the other day (yes, I said molestered like Cartman on South Park)..mmm hmm, I was chillin',with my feet propped up under my desk..mindin' my own fuckin' business.. when all of the sudden, I feel a hand massaging my shoulder..reeeally slooowly.
So I turn to look and it's Connie's weird ass, asking me if I had eaten too much at the potluck earlier.


I let her know that I was just relaxing and she goes " seemed a little quiet so I thought I'd come see about you". Then she stood there some more..thank god my phone rang and she kinda just floated away...yeckkk.

I should have punched that bitch in the stomach..but I'm lazy.

So anyway, I'm trying to explain this scene to Hee Haw Woo Hoo when Belly interrupts and says: "Was it like this..?" then HE RUBBED MY ARM, all slow and shit...on my exposed, chocolaty caramel flesh....fucking christ jesus lord, I nearly shit my pants with disgust.

In an awkward moment while Hee Haw Woo Hoo was staring at me in disbelief, I just said "no..ummm, it was a little more inappropriate like kinda up by my shoulder...and stuff..umm, err."
Then I tried to laugh it off and continue the story..he finally went away and Hee Haw Woo Hoo just laughed and laughed (remind me to kill Hee Haw Woo Hoo later).

I guess I also should have punched Belly in the stomach..but we all know that I can't walk around here with a broken arm...casts are soooo 2002.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

I Heart Steve Perry..No, Really.. I Do..

That may sound strange coming from a black girl that was "technically" born in the ghetto but I just can't get enough of Steve Perry and Journey these days....

Open Arms?? My damn favorite!!

Open Arms - Journey

Faithfully?? Oh PUHLEEZE..That's my other damn favorite!!

Faithfully - Journey

Huh?? Oh Sherry you say?? Stop the madness..That's REALLY my favorite!!

Oh Sherry - SP

No but really...Foolish Heart kicks ALL their asses!! It reminds me of Paula Abdul's "boy toy" on American Idol though.

Foolish Heart - SP

Honorable mention:

Send Her My sad..

Send Her My Love - Journey

Now I know I'm probably going to get kicked in the teeth for my next statement but... that Arnel Pineda guy is pretty damn good!! *ducking* His hair is soooo damn pretty though!!

Saturday, May 31, 2008

A $30 Tinker Bell Cake..For A Grown Woman

My sister graduated from High School over the holiday weekend..I know I'm a week late with this but I've only just recently gotten over the trauma of having my family in my house for 4 days...

Anyway, we were really excited (and frankly a little relieved) that she was finally done. It's been a long road for her and she's finally started to act like an adult..yay.

She requested a cake..a Tinker Bell cake..with lights and fireworks and shit... so as the "big sister", I had to oblige...or there would be crying...because her "whole life she's been called Tinker" sheesus, god.

I called a few places and and they had no idea who the hell Tinker Bell was (?). Finally Publix had said they would do it..for a base price of $30..expensive much?

I looked at their website and saw this extravaganza of foolishness:

It's called the Tinker Bell Dangler..cuz she dangles..The baby gets what the baby wants dammit!!.

Oh, but wait..the store closest to us didn't have the damn fairy toy thing so I had to call all over the planet to get it, then call the bakery lady and have her coordinate the delivery of it to her place..she seemed annoyed with me..bitch.

I picked it up on Saturday kind of looked like the picture..I suppose.

I then decided it would be a good idea to spend another $35 on Tinker Bell paraphernalia - confetti, balloons, cups, napkins, a trucker hat (I'm serious) and a metal purse thing..

Yes, I have OFFICIALLY lost my shit.

Speaking of losing things...My mother called to let me know that she had accidentally thrown away the "Taaanker Bell Toy Thang"...and did I think that Publix would sell her just that piece?...*sigh*.. can't pick 'em.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Poor Thing

I just talked to TOH and he's not happy.

Seems that the job that he was a "shoo-in" for rejected him because he failed the assessment..WTF??? Now he can't retest for another 6 months...double WTF?? And then they wouldn't tell him exactly what he failed on..yes, you guessed it, triple WTF??
And why the hell would they even need a damn assessment anyway??
(Not that I'm poo-pooing his job but it's not exactly rocket science.)

I asked him what was on the test and, just like a man, he said "some common sense bullshit", ok.

He REALLY wanted this job because it was close to our house and it paid wayyy better and he has 5 years of experience doing that type of work.
We got all worked up into a froth over it and now life sucks.

I hate rejection and since I'm so protective of TOH, I want to go down there and kick someone's ass.

Don't mess with my baaaaby!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

To Wash Or Not To Wash...

This has been bothering me for at least 3 of the 4 years that I have worked here....

We work with a lady that doesn't wash her hands after she uses the bathroom...yeeeck!

She seems like a perfectly normal person..except for that.

Everybody notices it but doesn't say anything.
I guess they make their opinion known by not eating the food she brings to potlucks....she usually makes sausage balls..don't they involve KNEADING ingredients WITH YOUR HANDS??...eww.

Anyway, I know that a lot of the time you "technically" don't actually touch yourself when wiping down there, but just knowing that you COULD accidentally touch yourself should make you want to wash your damn hands...

maybe it's just me

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Where The HELL Have You Been??

Good Lord, Internet..I've been sitting here for days waiting on you...yes, of course it's irrational for me to blame you when I'm the slack ass...but to me, irrational is sexy.

Anyway, I have been really busy getting my house ready for company.

I'm in a women's investment club that meets at someone's house every month. Since a lot of the women are mothers, they tend to bring their babies/toddlers/adolescents which, as you can imagine, can be really hectic. The last meeting included a 1 year ripping down an entire buffet table, a juice stained chair and lots of cheese ground into the carpet.

For some reason, I volunteered my place on Sunday...yes, I smoke lots of crack.

Gladly, only one child showed up and she stayed in the guest/tv room the entire time without so much as a peep. She looked to be around 11 or 12 but I can never tell with the way kids look these days..she could have been 6 yrs old.

I was the first one to serve liquor and it was a hit. They named it "Happy Punch" and I ended up making two batches..drinking is fun.

Happy Punch aka "Let's Get Rowdy and Talk About Stocks" Punch

Items needed:

1 pretty glass pitcher from an iced tea set that hasn't been out of the box in 6 years
1 Bag crushed ice from the gas station because your ice maker has been broken for a year
1/2 Gallon Tropicana Tropical Punch
1/2 bottle of Malibu Coconut Rum or more if needed

Fill pitcher halfway with ice
Add juice and rum
Mix with wooden spoon while doing a "can't wait to be drunk" dance

To soak up the liquor, I also served mini quiches and cream puffs (but without the chocolate) from the discount club, chips and dips including a guacamole FLAVORED dip..whatever the hell that is...nobody ate it and after reading this article, I can see why.
Oh, and there was fruit..grapes and pineapple and a bottle of Sprite for the non-drinkers. I tried to serve all light colored items in case I had to scrub shit out of the carpet later.

And since I was drunk and forgot to take pictures of my lovely buffet, here are some pics I stole from the Internet:

Do you think I could cram any MORE links into this entry??..jeeesus.

The meeting went well, or as well as I could remember...'s some pictures of my porch that I hooched up for the benefit of the group. And yes, I actually planted those flower boxes and pots all my lonesome. That spiky thing is a houseplant I found at Lowe's and the rest came from Wal-Mart.

The table set came from Joann's and I got it for a freakin' steal since the little cashier dude found a coupon in his garbage can for me..yay, me...the cushions are from Garden Ridge and were way too expensive but I love them and they're staying...oh, and because you like to know random shit about my stuff, I got the plant stand for $3 because it was missing all the nuts and bolts and my pack-rat ass just happened to have extraneous nuts and bolts lying around the house.

TOH says that it seems that I'm not only a crafty bitch, but I'm also a green thumb bitch...And I claim to love this man...