Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Olympics Whore

Just because you can run or swim REALLY fucking fast, doesn't mean that you've got to be doping...(OK, let's just try to forget Marion Jones..AHEM!) and can't an athlete just be gifted??

Usain Bolt is my new Jamaican boyfriend and Michael Phelps is on my list of "white guys that could get it (not to be confused with my list of "any guy walking that could get it list)...even with his underbite, minuscule ass and ALL...

Tall men are yummy aren't they? I imagine myself climbing to the top of one of them and just sittin' for a spell while enjoying a nice glass of iced tea.

(of course my husband is not aware of these things...and come to think of it, neither are Usain and Michael but now we're getting caught up in the details, dammit)

However, in this house, it is our opinion that Usain "Lightning" Bolt has a rocket implanted in his ass....and Michael Phelps is 1/4 dolphin on his father's side...what? We've done research..it's true..or maybe that was just the Vodka talking.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Blocked By A Jackass


Sometimes I really hate working here....

I've been hesitant to blog this week because it seems that I've become a threat to the success of my company BECAUSE I USE THE INTERNET...urrgh...

I work for a really stuffy, uptight company that would rather die than let their employees who work TEN hours a day or more, blow off a little steam by looking at the Internet which may, god forbid, show certain aspects of the outside world..like fat women in bathing suits or used cars.

Last month, my supervisor called me into the conference room to discuss the number of "blocked" websites that I have attempted to access over the past month. From this point on, this person will be called Jackass - to protect the Jackasses involved.

Actually what Jackass did was embarrass the fuck out of me by first calling me on my desk phone saying some shit about "hey, can I come by and talk to you for a sec?"...like it was gonna be all casual or like the time Jackass bought some cards from me..then Jackass comes over to my desk and stands there..with these papers in their hand and says "can we talk in the conference room? ALL LOUD AND SHIT SO EVERYBODY HEARD HIM.. and I'm all "uh, OK" and then Jackass waited there while I had to log out of my phone and try to pull my shit together while EVERYBODY watched..so unprofessional. (now everybody teases me about that shit)

So once we get in there, he pulls out this little report that shows all the web sites that I went to lately that just happened to be blocked.
Once you hit a "certain number" of these, you get an ugly little email from Corporate that says in so many words, "bitch, we see you..pump your brakes".
Then, if you hit a few more, you get another email THEN they contact your supervisor..uh oh.

We discussed the report and even he admitted that the sites looked harmless but that he had to document that he actually talked to me blah blah...sign here...blah blah...we'll talk again next month..blah blah.

*Cut to the "next month":

Jackass pulls the call me, come to my desk, ask me into a conference room and embarrass me routine AGAIN but this time Jackass says that Jackass spoke to "someone" and they felt that this was a really serious situation that warranted documentation be put into my permanent file...Then Jackass shows me this piece of shit letter that stated in part that my actions caused my fellow co-workers to have to work harder due the shift in workload....


Let me get this straight Mr. Supervisor...

1. I never actually got to the sites
2. The sites weren't porn, most were music related and one of them was a GOSPEL music site
3. EVERY MONTH you blow smoke up my ass telling me how proud you are of me because out of over 100 people in the dept, I answer and resolve the most calls which is so special given the fact that I work a 4 day work week that includes a fucking Saturday..blah fuckin' blah.
4. Strangely, EBAY and GOLF.com aren't blocked though.
5. You are part of a group of assholes that is worse than a bunch of high school girls - Management Team, my ass.

This shit will stay in my file for the next three years...which will possibly fuck up any chance for a promotion and my yearly raise won't buy a loaf of bread.
I brought up those concerns and Jackass basically "poo pooed" me and told me that it "shouldn't matter because lots of people have things in their file that don't hinder them"..yeah right.

I swear...

Now I'm forced to send my supervisor an email every time I get one of those "blocked site" screens I suspect so the Jackass team can have a paper trail to fuck me with later.

The shit part is that they block new sites every day, so a site that you've been going to forever could fuck you with no warning.

My next two stops:

Human Resources and the Iphone Store.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

*UPDATE* - We Like Breaking Shit In The Breakroom

Maybe the maintenance guys here read my blog....

Seems that they fashioned a new drain cover..this time sober.

It almost looks professional for god's sake....But alas...the holes are STILL too small

But not too small for Ramen Noodles to threaten to fuck it up..again...

I just can't wait to get the next shitty email from maintenance!!

Thursday, August 07, 2008

We Like Breaking Shit In The Breakroom

We have an ice machine/water dispenser in our breakroom at my "day" job.

Every few weeks we get a nasty email from the maintenance guys telling us not to wash grapes, salads, ass parts etc in the ice machine because "once again, it was clogged with grapes, salads, ass parts etc", "If this continues to happen, we WILL remove this machine!!"..blah blah b;ah

We usually try to figure out who the hell did it but it never quite pans out. We bitch and complain and ask for a proper sink but they claim that we don't have the plumbing for it or some shit..uh..what?

Well I guess they finally got tired of us and decided to put a "new" grate over the half ass one that came with the machine..take a gander at this bullshit....

Notice the signage overkill..nice touch huh?

Here's a close up of what we like to call:
1. Tetanus Shot Central
2. Lock Jaw Alley
3. What The Hell IS That Sharp Ass Thing Anyway??

Mmmm..sharp edges and incredibly small drainage holes..what a nice job someone did with the "precision" cutting...seemingly on the back of their tailgate..while drunk...and high...yay for quality workmanship.

I'm really surprised that mold hasn't started to form on that metal thing...eww
My co-worker "Sista Don't Play That" suggested that we jam that sharp ass thing down the drain for shits and giggles...I swear, she has the best ideas sometimes.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit...

I just got back from what I like to call a "mandatory fun" store meeting for my part-time job.

And I could just die...

The tradition of these meetings is to feed us cold pizza and warm soda then force us to learn shit about an upcoming season or event that they feel is important.

The company/store I work at is going bat shit over the Olympics because a shitload of athletes are wearing their brand, therefore we must all go bat shit to "keep the brand alive"...whatever.

One of the clinics tonight involved trivia pertaining to our company's presence at the Olympics throughout the years..I fucking looove trivia...because I'm a smart ass know it all...don't hate....

We split off into teams.

I paid attention during the little presentation and answered the majority of the questions correctly..and got a "gold" medal..woo damn hoo..I love to win...I knew that there would be some pretty good prizes to win like free shoes and who the hell doesn't love free shoes??

After 4 more presentations in other parts of the store, I racked up a couple more medals and actually had a good time..until it came to the final little question and answer grouping where we went against the other teams....

The equipment/shoe tech expert asked a question that challenged you to answer two questions about the 1972 Olympics...Oh hell yeah, I got this...But for some reason, no one saw my hand go up..fuckers..and another team got to answer..shit..the very young, very cocky "team spokesperson" fucker got up and made a big deal out of going to get a re-release model of the shoe that was worn back then and tried to make a little skit out of the whole thing BUT THEN...He called the shoe by the wrong name and my whole team starts screaming at me to "STEAL!! damn it!!" so I did...

Me: oooh!! oooh!! ooooh!!
Me: The '72 Olympics were held in Munich and the shoe we debuted was the blahhty blah blah..
Very Young, Very Cocky Fucker: *pause* Well you were there, so I guess you would know

and the crowd went wild

I'm only 35 but they seem to think I'm 98 or something.

Have you ever heard 40 very young, very cocky fuckers laughing AT you and saying "oooo, that was coooold"...It didn't feel so good.

The shit part was that I didn't really hear what he said at first because I was too busy trying to prove my point..but when I looked over to the "management pit", you could tell they were all red in the face and looking embarrassed for me.

All I could do was say.."well..uh anyway..you were wrong" and sit my dumb ass down..I tried to smile and laugh through it all while the equipment/shoe tech expert tried her best to move things along.

After working there for almost 5 years, I've heard a few comments from the young ones like one day when I was dancing (because that's what we do in there when we're bored) and one of the girls goes "Oh god, you are SO acting your age"....shook that one off...then earlier on in the meeting tonight, another girl said "No wonder you did so well in the history part..hahaha". She didn't finish her little joke but I know what that fat piglet meant.

All of those things were fine..well not fine but at least manageable since they weren't said in front of EVERY FUCKING BODY!!....*sigh*

Part of me feels stupid for trying to smile while I held back tears (my hands were actually shaking) and I'm so mad at myself for not saying or doing anything because normally, I wouldn't stand for that type of shit ESPECIALLY from the likes of him.

The sad part is that the way he said it was actually kind of funny and I would have laughed if it WASN'T DIRECTED AT ME!!

Oh, and it didn't help that for the pot luck portion of things I brought home-made pesto, tomato bruschetta and olive tapenade (ok I got the last thing from Whole Foods but since it was in my home for a few minutes..it's homemade to me).

As soon as I set it all out on my fabulous serving paraphernalia, one of those young bastards yells out: "Whuuut is dat?? Caviar??

Yeah, jackass..all of it was caviar...and I produced it from my old lady egg sacs.

*double sigh*