I Always Feel Like Somebody Is Watchin' Meeeee

Good lord, when was my last post??

Shaddup, I've been busy fending off a Belly doppelganger.

Yes...there's a new guy...and strangely he looks like a caucasian version of Belly..and he stares at my juggs...and I hate him already.

He's only actually spoken to me once..and my skin crawled afterwards...His pod mate is my buddy who I call "Paul Wall" the most ghetto white boy I have ever met..and when I go over there to get my "hood fix", Ole Beady Eyes is always there..justa lookin.

and he's a Mouth-Breather..how sexy.
Even sexier, his stomach is so big he has to lean almost all the way back in his chair.

I seem to be fascinated with people's stomachs lately..I'm like a child that can't stop staring.
I know it's mean...but I just can't help it. Belly's sister's is one of my favorites to look at. It hangs all the way down by her knees and she sorta has to propel it forward when she walks.

It's almost like it speaks to me in a pre-historic nomadic language that the two of us can understand.

Stomach: Bleety Buu Hee Owww *tongue click* Mehee Calala
Me: Mmm Hmmm, every day and twice on Wednesdays

I think it's mostly skin from when she had an "alleged" gastric bypass some years ago...but a fellow hateful co-worker disagrees and says "aww hell naww, that's fat"...(this is the same person that said she needed a "do-over" on her gastric bypass...and I laughed for 2 hours after he said that - I felt bad - but I still laughed).

I sometimes wonder if she has to put baby powder under it like I have to do with my big ole Double D's in the summer time.....

This blog is a cry for help isn't it?

I Really Hate People Who Hate Other People..

*sigh*

My co-workers are RAGING homophobes and it makes me sad. I call them the Amen Corner and they tend to hide it under the guise of being religious and that "it just aint right"...but the bottom line is that they are mean as fuck.

Ok, I get the whole "freedom of speech" thing but gaaahh..the things they say are just..ughh, here are a few..because I just can't believe these broads sometimes:

"You know Queen Latifah has a girlfriend right?"
"Whaaaat??...Well I'll never buy another Cover Girl product again in my life"
"Mm Hmm girl, me neither"

"I can't believe those faggots are trying to compare their struggles to ours (Black People)..like they have any idea what's it's like to be discriminated against..{insert ME rattling off a list of parallels\similarities here} then..{insert a cubicle farm of blank stares and some crickets chirping here}

(On the subject of gays and adoption) "I just think that it's confusing for the children" umm really??..this comment came from an admitted home-wrecker with a million kids by 32,000 different baby-daddies. Confusing indeed.

Yesterday they were in a huddled whisper-fest about Obama saying (what they thought they heard him say) "was gonna overturn this whole gay marriage thing" and I heard one of them say: " OH HELL NAW BUDDY...we'll write a buncha damn letters!!"
It took everything in me not to tell them where to stuff their letters.

When me and my more tolerant co-workers talk about gay rights, there's this one lady who looks like she may actually vomit...sometimes I just wanna turn around and ask her: Is it really that fuckin bad????? I guess so, for her at least.

They have told me that I'm gay-friendly because of "That damn Internet"..um, ok

Oh, and they think that Flu Shots are the devil..wow, you just can't make this shit up...

ANOTHER Cubicle Stalker

I swear..just when you think it's safe to eat in your own fucking cubicle....

I got a new cube mate a few months..she came over from another dept. and already had a "rep" as an insufferable bitch.


Over my short life I have had AT LEAST 15 friends like this...seems that I attract that type.

So because of this, I decide to at least be nice to her...wrong move.


She clamped on to me like a leech and I can't scrape her off....I shall call her Carrot Top..yep, she's got red hair, she's southern and incredibly politically incorrect - She still calls Asian people "Them Orientals"...I can just imagine what she calls us Blacks..I really did try to help her one day:


Me: Um, Carrot Top, you shouldn't use the word Oriental - It's like you calling me colored or negro....


Carrot Top: Uhhh..whuuut you tawlkin bout guhl..Fiddly Dee, I declahhhare

Ok, she didn't say the last part but that's how she sounds..I swear.


So I've noticed that just like Belly, every time I eat, say or do anything, she stands up and makes a comment about it...


"MMMM, that looks good"


"Is that a carrot??..Wow"

"You're husband sure says nice things to you..."

WTF?

What is so damned interesting about me and my food choices for shit's sake?


And if that isn't enough, she has this way of acting like she's not looking at me...she'll stand up, and look like she's scanning the room..but out of the corner of my eye...I can see her eyeballin' me...and unfortunately, we have low cube walls..damn it!!!

OH Wait!!...I forgot!!

There I was, minding my own fucking business, trying to do my insulin shot with my Flexpen (more on that later), which involves me pulling out some of the fat from my gut and jabbing it..this weirdo hears the clicking sound it makes, stands up and says:

"Oh, I'm sorrrryy..Now you know you don't have ANY privacy as long as I'm here huuuun...I mean um, I'm just kidding..."


Kidding my ass, that bitch was serious.

Office Fridge Cleaning..For Dummies

I swear...some people need to go straight to Hell.

I just came back from "saving" a freezer full of perfectly good frozen dinners from being chucked in the garbage.

In my office, a team from each department is chosen to clean out the 2 refrigerators we have in the break room and every week, like clockwork some incredibly dumb shit happens.

For instance, one week, I brought my lunch and some surprisingly healthy snacks with me in my cute little Company logo-ed insulated lunch bag.

I saw the little "we're about to clean some shit" email but I figured that since my shit was in a lunch tote, it would be safe...Wanna know what I got for figuring??
One of those bitches opened my lunch tote and threw away ALL OF MY SHIT then threw my lunch tote on top of the refrigerator...what.the.fuck?? So me and my diabetic ass had the shakes for the rest of the evening until I scrounged up enough change to buy some $6000 crackers from the vending machine.

Then I wrote a strongly fucking worded email to the management team (who can barely "manage" to pick their own asses) and they wrote back some lame shit about "the rule" blah fuckin' blah.
Yeah, yeah, I know that the standing rule is that "If is is not labeled with your name, it gets thrown away"..I get that but does the term "common fucking sense" ever enter into these peoples minds??

Oh!! AND THEN one day, I bought these little ice cream cups for my team..brand new, expiration date NOT EVEN CLOSE..and those cows threw my shit out..again!!

These idiots even throw away salad dressing and condiments stored in the door compartments...huh?

I truly believe that these people have no other outlet for their hatefulness so they come to work and take it out on us....I once watched as someone threw away an absolutely beautiful crystal bowl because it had some fruit salad in it FROM THE DAY BEFORE!!

I need a vacation...

Next week I plan on stashing a big ole bag of shit (actual feces, thanks) in the back of the fridge and put one of their names on it..yeah, that should do the trick.

Damn New Year..

I guess it's time to make my resolution(s)..fashionably late, as usual.

hmm..let's see..

1. Be less of a fucking fat ass
2. Stop cursing so fucking much

That pretty much sums it up...

Of course I don't want to be too thin... all I want is a big ass and a flat stomach..I swear if I looked like Beyonce, I'd never "work" another day in my life..2 nights a week, I'd be swingin' on a pole and shaking the aforementioned big ass...my co-workers always give me dirty looks when I say such things but I bet being a part time stripper is FIFTY times better than sitting in a cubicle all week, ten hours a day and saying: Thanks for calling _____how may I help you??...make that FIVE HUNDRED CRISPY SINGLES...times better....

He's Got A Ticket To Ride...

And I don't care....

It seems that Belly has become quite ambitious since he got a promotion. He made a big production out of finally getting a girlfriend and now he's moving in with her...

HUNDREDS OF MILES AWAY!!!!!

Yaaaay thankyousomuchjaaysussourlordandsayvyuh!!!

So on his last day, I watched his big ass wanderin' around the office hugging on people (even though you tell they didn't want to), man giggling and I swear to God, he came up behind the lady across from me and kissed her on her neck while he hugged her FROM BEHIND..you should have seen her face..I nearly pissed myself laughing...and it didn't help that she, being the sweetest person in the world, said: "Ummm, Oh...how sweet of you".

I kept conveniently picking up phone calls so he couldn't molest me but he just kept hovering and pacing..I promise you, he hung around for like 15 minutes!! Then when he got tired of acting like he wasn't waiting for me to get off of the phone, he put his big ass belly up against my cube wall and blew out a hot breathed, high pitched: "Damn guuurl, I'm gonna miss youuuu"...while I was on the fucking phone with a fucking customer.

nice

I had to put my phone on Mute and force out a strained "Oh, me too"...lying is fun.

So the jackass has finally left the building..finally.

But of course you know with Belly, the story doesn't end there....

There I was, this past Sunday morning, cooking bacon..minding my own fucking business when my cell phone rings..who the fuck could it be??

Me: Hello?
Caller: Heeeeey Guurl!! I'm home!! I finally made it!!
Me: Umm...great!! Who's this?

Because at this point, I thought it was my FEMALE co-worker who I have named "Frugal as a Motherfucker But Throws Parties Like a Queen".

But to my chagrin, it was Belly...(he must have smelled the bacon from waaay up there...)

Belly: It's me, Belly..you've forgotten my voice so soon??
Me: Umm..hi
Belly: I was just calling to see if they have started playing musical chairs yet.
Me: Huh?
Belly: Did they move you yet?
(We're getting some new employees on our team and this will be our 6th "desk move" to date)
Me: No..not yet.
Belly: What are you doing right now?
Me: Cooking FOR MY HUSBAND..and watching football.
Belly: Is he a Cowboys fan?
Me:..Uh, I guess.
Belly: Well, I just wanted to let you know that I made it here ok..and all..and uh..My girlfriend says hi.
Girlfriend: Hiiiiiiiiii!!!
(Great, now two fucking weirdos know my number..that poor girl)
Me: Uh, hi...
Belly: Well I guess I'll let you guys get back to your day...[insert weird pause here]
Me: OK..bye...*CLICK*

WTF?? He is so..strange..he used to do the same thing when he was married. He liked to call me while she was sitting beside him and try to talk me to fucking death at weird hours of the day and night.

Note to Belly: We are so NOT cool like dat
Note to self: Get a new cell phone number

And for the comic relief portion of this post, I give you Belly and his Girlfriend

The Bitch Is Back

Could somebody please eesplain to me why the hell I am up at 5:44 AM typing shit???

I guess I miss the innurnets.....

Oh, speaking of that, it looks like the governor called at the last minute and I've been granted a reprieve.
Remember my supervisor Jackass? Well it seems that they've changed their minds about my "permanent record" and have decided to NOT add the "internet issue" to it.

Yay?

I guess that was their newest little scare tactic to get us to do our work..but I was ALREADY doing my work..and her work..and his work..and THEIR work!!!

Whatever, stupid.

Hmm, what else has been going on...Oh!! My piece O shit car is just about dead....seems that all those years of saying "Oil change?? We don't need no steenkin' oil change!" have finally caught up with me. I guess engine cylinders don't like to rub up against other engine parts all raw dog..oops, my bad.

I might be able to sell it for $1,200 if I'm lucky..I paid $14,000 for it..ouch..but of course that was eight years ago and it's an American car so I guess the math works out after all.

Call me crazy, but I really want to buy another one..just like it..maybe newer..yes, I like to be punished..but the car looks so damn sexy..when it has a nice paint job..and clean wheels, and a lubricated engine and all.
But where the hell am I going to find $5,000 for a "new" one?? I dunno.

Maybe I'll start a Paypal fund and beg on the internet..works for some people. Yay Karyn!!

Blocked By A Jackass

*sigh*

Sometimes I really hate working here....

I've been hesitant to blog this week because it seems that I've become a threat to the success of my company BECAUSE I USE THE INTERNET...urrgh...

I work for a really stuffy, uptight company that would rather die than let their employees who work TEN hours a day or more, blow off a little steam by looking at the Internet which may, god forbid, show certain aspects of the outside world..like fat women in bathing suits or used cars.

Last month, my supervisor called me into the conference room to discuss the number of "blocked" websites that I have attempted to access over the past month. From this point on, this person will be called Jackass - to protect the Jackasses involved.

Actually what Jackass did was embarrass the fuck out of me by first calling me on my desk phone saying some shit about "hey, can I come by and talk to you for a sec?"...like it was gonna be all casual or like the time Jackass bought some cards from me..then Jackass comes over to my desk and stands there..with these papers in their hand and says "can we talk in the conference room? ALL LOUD AND SHIT SO EVERYBODY HEARD HIM.. and I'm all "uh, OK" and then Jackass waited there while I had to log out of my phone and try to pull my shit together while EVERYBODY watched..so unprofessional. (now everybody teases me about that shit)

So once we get in there, he pulls out this little report that shows all the web sites that I went to lately that just happened to be blocked.
Once you hit a "certain number" of these, you get an ugly little email from Corporate that says in so many words, "bitch, we see you..pump your brakes".
Then, if you hit a few more, you get another email THEN they contact your supervisor..uh oh.

We discussed the report and even he admitted that the sites looked harmless but that he had to document that he actually talked to me blah blah...sign here...blah blah...we'll talk again next month..blah blah.

*Cut to the "next month":

Jackass pulls the call me, come to my desk, ask me into a conference room and embarrass me routine AGAIN but this time Jackass says that Jackass spoke to "someone" and they felt that this was a really serious situation that warranted documentation be put into my permanent file...Then Jackass shows me this piece of shit letter that stated in part that my actions caused my fellow co-workers to have to work harder due the shift in workload....

WHAT THE FUCK??

Let me get this straight Mr. Supervisor...

1. I never actually got to the sites
2. The sites weren't porn, most were music related and one of them was a GOSPEL music site
3. EVERY MONTH you blow smoke up my ass telling me how proud you are of me because out of over 100 people in the dept, I answer and resolve the most calls which is so special given the fact that I work a 4 day work week that includes a fucking Saturday..blah fuckin' blah.
4. Strangely, EBAY and GOLF.com aren't blocked though.
5. You are part of a group of assholes that is worse than a bunch of high school girls - Management Team, my ass.

This shit will stay in my file for the next three years...which will possibly fuck up any chance for a promotion and my yearly raise won't buy a loaf of bread.
I brought up those concerns and Jackass basically "poo pooed" me and told me that it "shouldn't matter because lots of people have things in their file that don't hinder them"..yeah right.

I swear...

Now I'm forced to send my supervisor an email every time I get one of those "blocked site" screens I suspect so the Jackass team can have a paper trail to fuck me with later.

The shit part is that they block new sites every day, so a site that you've been going to forever could fuck you with no warning.

My next two stops:

Human Resources and the Iphone Store.

*UPDATE* - We Like Breaking Shit In The Breakroom

Maybe the maintenance guys here read my blog....

Seems that they fashioned a new drain cover..this time sober.



It almost looks professional for god's sake....But alas...the holes are STILL too small



But not too small for Ramen Noodles to threaten to fuck it up..again...



I just can't wait to get the next shitty email from maintenance!!

We Like Breaking Shit In The Breakroom

We have an ice machine/water dispenser in our breakroom at my "day" job.

Every few weeks we get a nasty email from the maintenance guys telling us not to wash grapes, salads, ass parts etc in the ice machine because "once again, it was clogged with grapes, salads, ass parts etc", "If this continues to happen, we WILL remove this machine!!"..blah blah b;ah

We usually try to figure out who the hell did it but it never quite pans out. We bitch and complain and ask for a proper sink but they claim that we don't have the plumbing for it or some shit..uh..what?

Well I guess they finally got tired of us and decided to put a "new" grate over the half ass one that came with the machine..take a gander at this bullshit....

Notice the signage overkill..nice touch huh?

Here's a close up of what we like to call:

1. Tetanus Shot Central

2. Lock Jaw Alley

3. What The Hell IS That Sharp Ass Thing Anyway??

Mmmm..sharp edges and incredibly small drainage holes..what a nice job someone did with the "precision" cutting...seemingly on the back of their tailgate..while drunk...and high...yay for quality workmanship.

I'm really surprised that mold hasn't started to form on that metal thing...eww

My co-worker "Sista Don't Play That" suggested that we jam that sharp ass thing down the drain for shits and giggles...I swear, she has the best ideas sometimes.

FedEx - Just Stop The Madness

As usual, I'm irritated by a certain company's foolishness...

FedEx..you bastards.

I used to love FedEx, my friend Freddie worked for them and I used to hang out in the FedEx store downtown with him..inappropriate? Of course.

Oh, and there used to be this FIIIIIINE Fedex guy that would deliver to this office I worked in. Mmm, nice shorts... Every time we would hear his little computer thing beeping from around the corner, all the ladies in the office would line up like whores at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch and primp and smile at him..."Hiii FedEx guy"..God, we were such tramps.

Have I mentioned that I get a really obscene discount at the store where I serve time work part time?

Well, one day I made the mistake of letting one of my co-workers at my day job find this little fact out and (as rumors in a cubicle farm usually do) it spread like wildfire except it didn't burn down the office..damn it.

Anteeeeway, their last order came up to nearly $400. I ordered it all online and fully expecting it to be shipped to my house ON TIME like it always does but noooo, that's just how my luck fucks me.

First, two small boxes came:

1 with a T-shirt for my fashionally challenged coworker Hee Haw Woo Hoo
1 with a pair of gym shorts for the same fashionally challenged man
(what a waste of cardboard)

*begin long-winded rant here*

Did I tell you that it took over two days of tortuous persuasion for me to get him to even order this shit? An order that also included a very nice pair of kicks and another outfit...for chrissakes, he was actually sweating at one point and nervously wringing his hands hoping that what me and 3 other women picked out for him was "cool looking"..It seems that even though this man can decorate homes so well that I, in fact, swore he was gay once - this doesn't quite carry over to his fashion sense..poor thing wears high water corduroy pants and boots like these...


With really thick, white tube socks..and Hawaiian shirts..that are 2 sizes too small..in the summer..poor guy.

So the first two boxes came via UPS on Thursday..yay UPS, you have never let me down..brown..
But for some stupid reason, the bulk of the order was sent via FedEx...whatever
On Friday I tracked the package and it showed as "delivered".great, it found Jesus, Halaluyerrr. I called TOH and he said he "don't know nuthin' 'bout buurthin' no box"..hmm, strange.
I then checked the signature online and it said S.Spele...WTF?? Who Dat?
So then I called FedEx and they said that yes indeed, the package was at my house.
I got home..no box...called FedEx again:

Fedex CS Girl: Mmm Hmm, delivered
Me: Nope, uh uh
Fedex CS Girl: Maybe you should ask your neighbors
Me: Uh, I've only seen them twice and spoken to them once, sort of..
Fedex CS Girl: Let's put a trace on it, someone will call you..maybe in 24-48 hours
Me: (thinking) yeah, sure - sounds hopeful

I actually followed her advice and asked my next door neighbor, who's teenage daughter said that " Two different colored trucks came, but I don't know what happened after that"...yep, weed smoke and X pills talkin'...she probably had all my damn shoes in her closet..but I digress..
Then I went and knocked on the door directly below us..no answer..bitch, I see your damn car, I KNOW YOU'RE HOME!!!
Then I knocked next door to her...great, the condo where the oldest Asian woman in history lives with her crazy, leg biting, inbred terrier...the dog of course is going bat-shit while I try to explain who I am and what I'm looking for, then her son came to the door (he's pretty damn old too) and said something about "No" then closed the door...*sigh*

I called FedEx back and got the same line of bullshit about a trace and contacting the driver..blah fuckin' blah.

It's nearly 9pm at this point so I called the CS center for my company and he said that he saw no such trace..but that HE would start one too..great.wonderful.

I tossed and turned all night trying to figure out how I was going to pay my co-workers their "damn money" if this box never showed back up and then how I was going to have to set up a complaint booth at my desk for all the bitching that would ensue.

The next day, I called FedEx AGAIN. This time I got a guy who said he was going to call the terminal or distribution center, or something and he put me on hold..yay, pro activeness...he came back on the line and said that the driver "Left it at the leasing office"....huh?? I live in a gated,private condo community and WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A LEASING OFFICE for shit's sake!!
Then he said, "Oh"...just Oh...then he put me back on hold while I fumed and cursed..out loud..at work..I'm such a professional..he came back on and said that the driver was in the area and that he would "try to figure out what he did with it and re-deliver the box"..Is it just me, or does that sound like an extra helping of dumbass on the driver's part??

I thanked the CS guy for being great..because he was, and then I promised to dance at his wedding..then he let out a nervous, awkward laugh and so did I..then I hung up.

When I got home today, the box was in front of the door...and I could tell that some fucker had opened it and did a shitty job of re-taping it closed..

Luckily for FedEx, nothing was missing.

The Belly Spreads...

Belly's sister works with us now as a temp....OMG you should see her...here's what I have observed in a few short days:

Belly told me that she'd already had the GB because she used to weigh about 500 pounds....I personally think that she should ask for a do-over because it looks like this one didn't "take".

I estimate her current weight to be around 473..but I could be wrong.

She wears her hair like a little girl: Square parted with a ponytail STICKING OUT THE TOP!! Imagine this..but on a large, grown-ass, black woman..equally as sad.



Poor thing has a low hanging pannus too..*lunch just came up a little*

Oh, and she wears fake hazel contacts ...who is she tryin' to fool?

On the good side, her skin is freakin' FLAWLESS and she's actually quite pretty.

I caught Belly looking at me longingly today..eww..I had half a mind to go over and stab him in the ribs with a steak knife but I figured that would get me fired.

And Then I Ran Down The Hall Screaming...

I was talking to my freakin' hilarious co-worker - Let's call him Hee Haw Woo Hoo - when who bounds around the corner???...yes, it was fat ass Belly!!!..carrying a vegetable plate from the cafeteria..[insert giggles here]

I was trying to tell a story of how one of the temps we call "Connie" (because she cons everybody out of money) that I barely even know, molestered me the other day (yes, I said molestered like Cartman on South Park)..mmm hmm, I was chillin',with my feet propped up under my desk..mindin' my own fuckin' business.. when all of the sudden, I feel a hand massaging my shoulder..reeeally slooowly.
So I turn to look and it's Connie's weird ass, asking me if I had eaten too much at the potluck earlier.

umm..wha..?

I let her know that I was just relaxing and she goes "oh..you seemed a little quiet so I thought I'd come see about you". Then she stood there some more..thank god my phone rang and she kinda just floated away...yeckkk.

I should have punched that bitch in the stomach..but I'm lazy.

So anyway, I'm trying to explain this scene to Hee Haw Woo Hoo when Belly interrupts and says: "Was it like this..?" then HE RUBBED MY ARM, all slow and shit...on my exposed, chocolaty caramel flesh....fucking christ jesus lord, I nearly shit my pants with disgust.

In an awkward moment while Hee Haw Woo Hoo was staring at me in disbelief, I just said "no..ummm, it was a little more inappropriate like kinda up by my shoulder...and stuff..umm, err."
Then I tried to laugh it off and continue the story..he finally went away and Hee Haw Woo Hoo just laughed and laughed (remind me to kill Hee Haw Woo Hoo later).

I guess I also should have punched Belly in the stomach..but we all know that I can't walk around here with a broken arm...casts are soooo 2002.

To Wash Or Not To Wash...

This has been bothering me for at least 3 of the 4 years that I have worked here....

We work with a lady that doesn't wash her hands after she uses the bathroom...yeeeck!

She seems like a perfectly normal person..except for that.

Everybody notices it but doesn't say anything.
I guess they make their opinion known by not eating the food she brings to potlucks....she usually makes sausage balls..don't they involve KNEADING ingredients WITH YOUR HANDS??...eww.

Anyway, I know that a lot of the time you "technically" don't actually touch yourself when wiping down there, but just knowing that you COULD accidentally touch yourself should make you want to wash your damn hands...

maybe it's just me

I Heart Boys

God I feel like I'm in junior high...

I have a work-crush on a boy in the office ..and I say "boy" because I'm sure he's AT LEAST 10 years younger than me.

Don't worry, I've already told TOH and he says he cool with me having a boyfriend just as long as he pays some of the bills and takes the trash out from time to time...(He claimed that he was joking but I'm not quite convinced).

The guy, (let's call him "PB" for pretty boy) is just so....so...well, pretty damn it.

He wears cool shirts and even cooler jeans with the right amount of bagginess and pretty shit on the back pockets...OMG, the other day he wore a sweater that was tight in all the right places and just a touch see-thru..not that I noticed or anything...AHEM...

He had this really long hair that he wore in two big cornrows (or plaits as my mom would call them) that I secretly wanted to put in little ponytails with barrettes on the ends but then one day he came to work with a fade (minus that stupid zig zag part)..I was disappointed because now his head looked like a skeeball..oh well, he was still cute.

Yes, I'm fully aware that he reads as VERY gay...I prefer to see him as a big ole' metrosexual for the time being thankyouveryfuckingmuch.

I find myself looking at him from across the cubicle farm during the day..and he's caught my dumb ass looking a couple of times..I just smile and act like I was looking at the the clock or something..He's probably horrified that this "old" chick is eyeballing him and I'm sure he thinks I'm stalking him......but I'd never pursue it..

Anyway, who wants to train yet ANOTHER man in the "ways of the Linka"??

I just don't have that kind of time...

Oh, and just because shit like this makes me laugh...I present to you..my NEXT husband!! HAHAHAHA



Sad, SO sad....

Oh Just Go To Hell Co-Worker Lady!!

My surly bitch co-worker called my cards "Hokey" the other day....umm..what?

Yep, she said that there were "too many flowers and shit".....to my face....in front of other people.

Well bitch, in this office, HOKEY SELLS!! What a cow.

She did make me doubt my "crafty" talent a litttle though..urrrgh..I hate when I let bitches like that get to me.


Here are some more of my hokey ass cards for you to eyeball:







She asked me why this one had a "doo rag" on..just stupid

Too Damn Busy

Seems the "Call Center Gods" were angered by my last post and have decided to punish me by having the phones ring non-fucking-stop around here.

How dare you people call while I'm trying to blog??? Bastards.

If I try to blog here and my phone rings, I have to scramble to minimize the screen because as soon as I get a call, a program starts recording my screen AND my phone conversation..who thought of that dumb shit??? I should kill them.

I suppose you're asking: Well why don't you blog at home?

Because I'm addicted to online gaming sites like Pogo.com and Shockwave.com...yes I'm a nerd but I can't get enough of Polly Pet Detective and JoJo's Fashion Show..and don't forget Belle's Beauty Shop for god's sake!!!
(I would insert links here but you remember my hateful IT Dept don't you?)

*sigh*....I'm bored..and instead of boring you too, I'm going to make some crafty shit or something...

The Mute Button Is Your Friend..Or Not

I'll probably lose my "tech support rep" card for telling people this but on the phones we have here, there's a handy little MUTE button..I love the fucking MUTE button...it keeps me sane at work.

Most of the calls we get here involve stupid people doing stupid things...for stupid reasons.

Caller: err, ummm...my monitor is sparking and smoking
Professional Me: That's strange, what led up to this?
Caller: (whispering) Well, I have a plant on it and I when I watered it, it overflowed
Professional Me on MUTE: You stupid fuck!!! (I also laugh at people while on MUTE)
Professional Me: I'm sorry, could you repeat that..a little louder? (just because I'm a mean bitch)

This button also helps when you want to agree with the caller but don't want them to hear it.

Caller: I am such a dumb ass when it comes to computers
Professional Me on MUTE: Yep, you're right
Professional Me: Ohhh don't be so hard on yourself

I also like to chastise the caller's children or life choices when they insist on calling from home with bullshit problems..it kills me that people are on their fucking laptops doing work WHILE THEY ARE RECOVERING FROM HEART SURGERY or WHILE THEY ARE ON VACATION!!

Caller: Hi..I broke something and got some sort of error message..blah blah [insert screaming, annoying child here]
Professional Me: I'm sorry, I can't hear you, could you speak up please
Professional Me on MUTE: Shut that little bastard up
Caller: wah wah wump wah [insert barking dog and more screaming children here]
Professional Me on MUTE: Oh my god..shut the fuck up!!

I don't know about you, but when I was growing up, If my mom was on the phone me and my brother BETTER have been quiet or she would have put a foot in our asses..parents today are so lax.

or:

Caller: (heart monitor beeping) Hi, I'm in the hospital recovering from heart surgery and I can't get my email to open, I have a big project due
Professional Me on MUTE: Ummm, huh? That's probably why your dumb ass had a heart attack in the first place!!
Professional Me: Oh, you poor thing. Let's see if we can get you connected

One last note:

Remember, unless you hear music, you are NOT on hold...I can't tell you how many times I have heard a caller talking cash shit about me while they "think" they are on hold.."Hey Bob, This broad doesn't know her ass from a whole in the ground, EVERYBODY knows that you're supposed to yank the print-out from the printer before it finishes printing instead of waiting for it to hit the tray!!"
Then when I start talking over their little rant, they get all embarrassed..."Oh!! I'm sorry, I didn't know you were still there..blah blah blah"

And don't get me started on the SPEAKERPHONE....people think they're being really cool "multi-taskers" when all they really are being is rude..do you have any idea HOW LOUD paper shuffling and popcorn chewing is over the speakerphone..obviously not.

People are stupid.

But I like getting a paycheck.

How Clean Is Your Office Fridge??

I swear.....

Yesterday the department fridges were cleaned out..just like they do every two weeks...but THIS time, somebody decided that it would be a wonderful idea to open my lunch tote and:

DUMP THE CONTENTS OF IT IN THE GARBAGE!!

What

The

Fuck??

OK, so I've had to do "fridge duty" a couple of times myself here but I at least used some common sense.

These "geniuses" also threw out UNOPENED frozen dinners and UNOPENED salad dressings....

All because "It didn't have a name on it"

yeah, real smart.

I should have learned my lesson from when that bitch stole my food...but learning shit has never been my strong suit.

She's Just Not That Into You

Ok so I have this part time job that I rarely go to..seems that they just don't need me but I get to keep my 40% discount (woo hoo) and when I am actually there, I take advantage of their kick ass stereo system and just dance and sing my whole piddly 4 hour shift.

Problem is:
It's a sports store and they expect you to wear tight ass outfits
Now, I'm a little fluffy around my ass parts and I just BARELY fit into their XL women's tops...big tits, back fat and a tight top are quite distracting if ya know what I mean. At least it's all technically free..(including shoes up to $120) and it's usually quite stylish. We are forced to "change up" 4 times a year.

For the past 4 years, I've battled the management over having to squeeze into my uniform because they have this "policy" (more like: "shit they made up along the way") that states that women have to wear the women's uniform and men have to wear the men's...*sigh*
Up until a couple of years ago, they let me wear the men's t-shirt offering..begrudgingly though..I know they're thinking "why can't that fat bitch just lose some weight for god's sake??"

I've been trying damn it!!! My view is that with them being a HUGE company that caters to athletes..big muscular men AND women, they should make accommodations for bigger body types in their stores and for their employees...*stepping down from soap box*

Well a new perky, skinny- bitch manager came along and "insisted" that I start wearing the women's top...yeck... So I took to wearing a corset girdle and a jacket around my waist to "hide out"...that was 15 pounds ago and I gave up the girdle but that jacket remains...

*Linka just realizes that she told you ALL that unnecessary shit to actually talk about something else* (thanks for hangin' on)

There's this girl I'll call The Other Big Broad that works there. TOBB has NEVER had a problem wearing what they gave her and I am routinely blessed with having to look at 15 inches of her naked back and ass crack every time she bends over at the register because she just has to wear the required uniform..jeeesus..
But even with all of that, I've always been nice to her...

A) Every time I say hi to her she kind of gives me the "whatever, ho" look and forces herself to say hi back to me
B) She was pregnant and I asked if she was doing ok and she dissed me again!!
C) I called asking for my schedule and she threw the phone down without saying "hold please", comes back to the phone rattles off my schedule all fast then when I said "thank you" she just said "yeah" and hung up

This bitch is really trying my patience...

Me being the worrier that I am, I racked my brain trying to figure out why this heffa hates me..then I remembered:
I guess one day a couple of years ago, during the forced staff dress change, I said something to the effect of: "I'm not TOBB, I refuse to wear that tight ass top..blah blah blah... ya aint gonna have MY fat ass on display..blah blah blah"

Maybe somebody blabbed...oops...maybe I should shut my mouth sometimes.