Saturday, June 30, 2007

Uh...Thanks?? Part Two

OK..I'm a sap....

I just called Belly back to thank him for his gift...he said: "Well do ya like it?? Huh?? Huh??".....I lied and said "yes, it's great"...

What??? I'm not a COMPLETE bitch!! well maybe a little...



First of all he calls my cell phone this morning at 7:30 damn AM and says:

Belly: Hey, Are you at work yet?

Me: Huh?? What??

Belly: Oh, I thought you guys logged on at 8

Me: No, we log on at 9..I'm still asleep kinda

Belly: Ha ha ha heee hee (??) I wanted to drop off your wedding present, cuz I'll be out of town all week

Me: Oh..uhhh, you don't have to do that...

Belly: No big deal, I'm about 45 minutes away ok???? Ok Bye!!!

Me: what the fuck??

So I get to work and there's this big box in my chair...what the....

Uh..I'm not sure what the hell to say..I guess TOH will like it.....
My co-worker said that since Belly is going through a divorce, something in his warped mind thought that this would be a WONDERFUL wedding gift....then she said that maybe the fucker is just nutso.
I'm leaning towards the second explanation.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Damn Stinkin' Ikea

Ok so for about 2 weeks, I have been eagerly awaiting my maiden voyage to the new Ikea..well maybe not my maiden voyage...We tried to go there on opening day a few months ago but after:

1 hour in traffic - 2 feet from the store

30 minutes finding a parking a parking deck...2 miles from the store

45 minutes of waiting for a shuttle

A long drawn out explanation by shuttle bus driver that the wait once we got to the store WOULD BE ANOTHER FUCKING HOUR!!!
We decided to go back to the car..pissed and without any cheap Ikea crap...damn it

So Tuesday, I tried a parking space RIGHT UP FRONT (good sign)!!!

I was all organized and shit with my little print outs. All I wanted for my reception was:
(I'm not sure why the pictures are all spaced wierd..damn blogger)

2 of these for $1.49:

4 of these for .99 cents..(I know they look the same but this is smaller):

2 packs of these for $1.29:

3 sets of these (without the candle part) for $1.29:

And 1 damn package of these for $2.99:

Not much to want huh?..well that's what I thought too....I soon realized that NOBODY works there..I had simple questions like: "Where can I find this really small item in this really big store?" and "Does this come in any other size?"

I saw about 4 employees running around the top floor but they were like retail ninjas or something because every time I went to talk to one, they would disappear in a wisp of smoke...shit!!!

So I wandered around the 4 million square foot palace of cheap for 2 hours..finally found everything and stumbled upon the checkout line.....

oh my Jesus...

On a TUESDAY afternoon, there were about a thousand people in 4 open lines!! I felt a wave of nausea wash over me as I imagined another two hours of standing. Then like a ray of sunshine a line to my left starting moving fast AND NOBODY BUT ME NOTICED!!
It's the small things isn't it?
So I get to the checkout and the surly broad checkout girl kind of yelled at me when I asked for a box for my glassware (there were fucking signs EVERYWHERE stating that they had them at the checkout) she looked over at me while I was scrambling to seperate my shit from the next person's shit and said: "Boxes?? We don't have no stinkin' boxes, there's paper RIGHT THERE!!" then she did that "For shit's sake" type exhale...I should have punched her ass but I was too busy wrapping my own vases...Oh and did I tell you that they charge you .05 cents for those grocery type bags????
What kind of hippie "green earth" shit is that?? I ended up paying the mean broad .59 cents for one of those huge, obnoxious blue-tarp-tote-bag things...
I passed one of the 57 cafe areas on the way out but I was too pissed to think about a .50 cent hot dog...(that is a pretty good deal now that I think about it)
But I won't let it beat me...I VOW TO VISIT IKEA AGAIN!!! (I am such a cheese-ass)

Friday, June 22, 2007

The Ladies Room From Hell

Why does the ladies room where I work smell like the seafood department at the Farmer's Market???

I'm has a weird "fish tank-like" odor that haunts me...

Someone is "not fresh" down there....

Cherry Turnover Foolishness And Pink Elephants

Today Belly brought in an Arby's Cherry Turnover...I USED to like those things...until today.

Our neighboring cube mates were sitting around shootin' the shit and Belly bounds down the row breathing heavy from the entrance stairway (as usual). It's amazing he hasn't had a heart attack.
He plops down in his chair all hard and shit..that poor chair...and inserts himself into the conversation (again, as usual). Instead of turning his fat ass towards his desk to eat, he turns towards the crowd, puts a trash can between his legs and commences to eat said turnover..yeck..I guess the trash can was supposed to catch the "flaky pastry crumbs" (his words) but as you know, his FAT FUCKING GUT served as the crumb sad..I promise, his stomach was 2 inches from the top of the can..It was all I could do to not piss myself....then one of our co-workers (who for some reason, takes diet advice from Belly) made the mistake of saying: "A turnover?? What's up with that?? Is that on your diet??"
Belly then answered: " Aw man, I'm stress eating right now, but I'm gonna stop sometime around next week" then he gave his usual sap-ass, sheepish shrug.

I had to actually leave the area, go into the ladies room and laugh for 10 minutes.

As it turns out, Belly really is getting a divorce..his wife is trying to "sabotage it" by having a nervous breakdown. He says she's been on medication for quite some time...interesting.
I'd break down and be on medication if I was married to him too.
He said while he was cleaning out her shit, he found a journal that read:

"I want to kill [Belly], he tries to tell me how to spend my money. The pink elephants came and talked to me again and now I don't want to kill him anymore"

That bitch is nuts

I asked him what he thought the "pink elephants" were but he said he didn't know....I had to take another trip to the ladies room....

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

I Love My Future Mother In Law

Wedding planning sucks.....

But my MIL does not!!!!!

She called last night to ask if she could help us out with anything for the wedding. I gingerly asked her if we could have $100 to get a couple of things...she said she'd send $200 (woo hoo!!) then as the conversation progressed, she said she'd send $300 (double woo hoo!!).
She then told me that she'd send the check DIRECTLY TO ME and not TOH - I guess she knows her son would find a way to blow it on something stupid..hahahaa Oh, the love and trust.

(You are SO jealous of my drawing skills)

TOH is graduating this weekend and some of that money was intended for him but she said, and I quote: "He can wait"......ha freakin' ha.

TOH was pissed..he's a mama's boy ya know.

I decided to end the conversation before she sent us her entire retirement fund....and I would feel bad if she did that..sort of.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Look!!! Pigs Are Flying!!!

I guess you've been wondering where I've been or if I was dead or something...(well maybe you haven't)

No I'm not's something worse....


Yeah, you read right, we're finally doing the damn thing. And it's in less than one month...7/7/07.

The Other Half liked that date..because he's weird like that. I'm excited but everybody is trying to turn this thing into the fucking wedding of the century..look people, we have roughly $700 to work with..not good...and we can only do SO much with that....

Oh and the amazes me how MAD people get when you tell them that you aren't wearing a traditional long, white dress...give me a break dammit!!

I'm pissed again..gotta go drink heavily....

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Ironic, Don't Ya Think??

Belly has a picture of a very large pig as his screensaver..

hold on while I piss myself with laughter....

Oh, my side hurts....

Monday, June 04, 2007

Welcome to Linka's Lavenderia

The new neighbor seems to be on a mission to piss me off.

Saturday morning, I noticed she had 3 pissy matresses leaned up against her broken down car..oh, the ghetto. They stayed there for most of the night then the next day I noticed she had somehow moved 2 of them. I'm sure she made the kids haul them on their little backs. *tsk*

Sunday, my 3.5 month old "play Neice" was scheduled to get her ears pierced. Her Mother was a nervous wreck so I offered to hold her hand..the mother's, not the baby' sad.

We videotaped it in order to embarass the baby when she's older and she only screamed for a total of 3 seconds and was fine after that..her mother on the other hand acted like she was about to faint..What a sissy-girl...ha ha

The rest of that day, me and The Other Half were enjoying a leisurely day, doing mostly nothing.
We discussed making swiss cheese hamburgers on the smoker/grill (mmm, yum) and I, of course had to go get the groceries. I did, however, make him give me money for going..I yelled my favorite motto: "Ass, Gas or Cash..nobody rides for free"

I am such a classy bitch.

When I left, I noticed that The Neighbor Broad still had a matress out in the parking lot..I'd like to kill her.
After I got back I then noticed that one of her nasty crumb snatchers had spilled what looked to be Cocoa Pebbles all over the entryway and there were 4 WET phone books in numerous pieces all over the front steps..arrgh..fucking ghetto-ville.
I gave one of "her children" a dirty look and told them to clean it up..blank stares all around.

Safely in my apartment, I let TOH know that I was sure she'd be banging on our door soon to ask him to help her with the lone pissy mattress. He said he'd die a slow horrible death before he'd touch any of her shit and we both laughed...then there was a knock at the's her!!!

Fuckety shit damn

I made TOH get the door while I hid in the kitchen and snickered at him. I heard her saying: "Is your wife home?"
Then what do I hear?? TOH calling my name...MY REAL NAME!! (you bastard, remind me to thump you in the nuts later)
I made my way to the door while giving TOH the shit-eye...he stood behing the door snickering at me..Why was it that I claimed I loved him??

Me: Yes?
Neighbor Broad: Hi, I don't mean to bother you guys, you know the wash house next to the office?
Me: Yeah...
Neighbor Broad: Well the machines only take those pre-paid cards and, well, the office is closed and I need to do some laundry for these kids..(Meanwhile, at least 4 of these little bastards is trying to wedge their way between the crack in the door..touching poisonous spray cans and shit by my door..lifting up my VERY Apropos "Go Away" doormat..etc)
Me: Uh, yeah..they open at 10am tomorrow
Neighbor Broad: Well do you know where there is a laundomat nearby?
Me: *sighing* (on the inside) Yeah..down on blah blah blah street by the Mexican bar
Neighbor Broad: Oh that one is closed down, I'll be in a cab so I need it to be close..
Me: Sweetie..put that down!! it's poisonous!!..hey!! don't lean out that (second story) window!! You could fall and die!! Please stop touching the flower pots, honey...
Neighbor Broad: *Blank fucking stare*..not even noticing that I'm disciplining her hoodlum children
Neighbor Broad: Oh, I'm time one of them brought that bench downstairs and told me that you threw it out and said they could have it...
Me: (Thinking) WHAT THE FUCK???

Backstory: Last year, I bought this really cute little bench (imagine a kid's size version of this)in the hopes that one day, I would paint it up all cute and put it in my future sat in my storage room for months then I dragged it into the dining room..there it sat for a couple more months..then one day. I put out by my front door and put two flower pots on it..instant cute right?? ok..whatever

Me: (out loud) Huh..really
Neighbor Broad: yeah, that was funnyy..I put it back though..I suspected she was lying (ya think??)
Me: Well I never got one of those cards from the office

I watched as she and the heathens loudly made their way downstairs..I am so irked, my skin is crawling.

So we attempt to get back to making dinner when, yes, you guessed it, she was knocking at the door again...what, bitch????

I tried to make TOH get it but he claimed that she would want to speak to me anyway..I'm really going to smother him in his sleep later....

Neighbor Broad: Hi, I have a super, huge favor to ask you..
Me: Yes?
Neighbor Broad: Well, I was wondering if you could do a couple of loads of laundry for me..
Me: (thinking) This fucking bitch has LOST HER NATURAL MIND!!!!!!
Me: (out loud) Excuse me?
Neighbor Broad: I really need to get some pajamas and things clean for the kids...
Up until now, I've mostly seen these hooligans in what looked to be clean clothes..except for the little naked one. Speaking of her.....

At this point, the most naked child I have ever seen, tries to push her way into the apartment..

Me: Hello???
Neighbor Broad: (Attempting to look embarrased) Ha ha, Oh..uh, I'm sorry..I was just about to put her in the bathtub (yeah, right)
Me: oh..ok
Neighbor Broad: Are you sure this won't cause problem with your husband and you..and me
Me: (thinking) what the fuck is she babbling about??
Me: (out loud) I can't use my dryer..the hose to the outside is broken...(technically not a lie..well maybe a little)
Neighbor Broad: Oh..well you could just wash them..I'll send my son up with a few coins to pay you...

At this point I'm in such shock..I tell her not to worry about the friend said she would have waited until the kid brought the money before she did a damn thing..freakin hilarious

Anyway..a few minutes later she comes back with two big trash bags of clothes..she then mentions that they are "wet and stinky"....what.the.fuck???
I must have had a look on my face because she quickly offered to put them in the machine for me...does this cow REALLY think I'm going to let her in my apartment?????

Me: got it..I think
Neighbor Broad: THANKS!!! Oh, here's some bleach for the whites!!
Notice I didn't say that she left any bitch

She skipped her silly ass down the stairs and left me standing there looking stupid and duped..bitch

TOH thought this was the funniest thing he'd ever seen..thanks assface.

I didn't have time to laugh cuz I had chores to do....
TOH thought he was being helpful by suggesting that I should "Put some latex on" before I got started..shut up, boy.

I successfully got the load going without touching any of the clothes..almost..When it was time to do the whites, I ran the water..put in the bleach and detergent, then started to dump the nasty rags, when I noticed that all of them were NOT WHITES..I accidentally touched the NASTIEST, MILDEWIEST (?) things ever!!!!
I "saved" 2 pairs of little girl jeans and a mildew spotted pair of boy's shorts..yeck..gag

Apparently, she had tried this "wash only" thing before and had forgotten, I guess, to dry them..she could have AT LEAST hung them from the shower rod for christ sakes!!

After I did my neighborly duty, I just left her shit on my front stoop..what, you thought I would DELIVER IT??

Oh hell naw.....

Friday, June 01, 2007

New Neighbors Suck Ass...A Continuing Saga

11:45 pm....It seems to be the "magic hour" for my neighbor and her bullshit.

TOH was sitting in his car downstairs for about an hour for some strange "man reason" last night so he was able to witness her foolishness first hand.

The neighbor's brother in law was dropping his wife of at the "House of 1000 Children" and one of my other neighbors passed his truck a little too fast for his taste. The brother in law immediately starts SCREAMING:


I, of course, am at the window by now and I witness this dumb ass jump out of his truck in order to fight my other neighbor.

Beligereant Brother in Law: YOu almost ran over my wife and kids you motherfucker (my thoughts: What the hell were they doing in the middle of the street ANYWAY??)
Other Neighbor: Shooing him away
Beligereant Brother in Law: Roll your window down motherfucker!! I already callled the fucking police..blah blah
Other Neighbor: Man, fuck you
Me:*Gasp*..Oooh a fight!!!!

The other neighbor basically "poo pooed" the brother in law and walked calmly to his apartment..freaking hilarious

It seemed to be over as soon as it started and then the brother in law tried to buy TOH's car..on the spot..with no money in his hand..damn weirdo.

Oh, I love the ghetto