Friday, December 29, 2006

Bustin Caps In That Ass

The Other Half went to the gun shop the other day.

For some reason he wants to buy a gun...I told him HE can't get one until I get one.
Shit, I refuse to let him have an advantage over me.

We joked that, one night, maybe we could have a shoot-out in the hallway..Oh, Good Times

Food Porn - Yet ANOTHER Victim


We have a new guy in our pod bay. He's flippin' hilarious.

Yesterday the new guy sat down at his desk to eat his breakfast..Belly IMMEDIATELY noticed and of course, made a comment:

Belly: Hey, I see ya got some Chik-Fil-A there
New Guy: Uh yeah, I do

A few moments of silence pass and New Guy starts to eat.....

Belly: Oooo, is that one of those breakfast sandwiches they got? That's looks REAL good! Wow!!Mmm Hmm..blah blah blah (imagine his wide-eyed, eager expression)
New Guy: (with a "what the fuck is going on" look on his face) Uh yeah, what of it??
Me: Oh, New Guy, let me explain, Belly has a Food Porn addiction
New Guy: Huh??
Belly: (Man-Giggling uncontrollably but at the same time looking VERY embarrassed)
Me: Yeah, he likes to stare at people's food for some reason
New Guy: (Now giving ME the "WTF" look) Really??...Well, what's that about?
Me: (Shrugging and thinking to myself: Because he's a Fat Bastard) Who knows..he just says that he enjoys the "look of a good meal"
New Guy: Uh, ok..I think

New Guy then turned back to his desk and uncomfortably ate his breakfast.
Belly just sat there with a stupid grin on his face and after we ignored him for some time he turned his dumb ass around and got back to work.

Today New Guy says to me: "What the HELL was that all about??"
I tried to explain it to him but even I felt stupid after a while..finally I ended it with "Hell, he's just a weird motherfucker"
New Guy agreed and said: "Well Hungry Smitty needs to back off"...the way he said was like HOWNNNGREE..heeelarious

HUNGRY SMITTY??? I laughed myself sick on that one but we agreed to keep that name between us (and all of Blogosphere)..for now.

I think I may have a new partner in crime....{Insert Evil laugh here}

Thursday, December 28, 2006


I forgot to mention that I worked at my OTHER part time job this weekend too.
I was SUPPOSED to be the cashier at the nightclub but lately they’ve had me doing “other” things. This time I was supposed to use a blacklight to make sure that no counterfeit tickets came through the door…yeah, boring, and stupid since they NEVER gave me a blacklight and no one EVER handed me a ticket.

Sunday’s event was for Teddy Afro. He’s like the Michael Jackson of Ethiopian Reggae from what I hear..just like the last show I worked, the crowd went complete bat-shit when he came out on stage.
His opening act, Abdu Kiar came out two separate times for some reason.

The promoter had his own cashiers (4 of them???) and his own ticket takers so I basically just sat on a barstool and talked shit…I’m just SO good at that.

Ok, I’m about to offend a whole ethnic group……While they are absoulutely GORGEOUS people, Ethiopian people smell “different”. I’m sure they thought I smelled like ass crack too but..whatever.

They dress a little “different” too. It’s almost like they can’t pair decades and/or seasons and colors correctly.

For instance:

A Summer dress with leather ankle

A BRIGHT orange and black top with royal purple pants..that are highwaters..tsk tsk tsk

I guess these are technically “my people” and I shouldn’t make fun of them but, DAMN, they make it hard not to!

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

He's Dead Before Sundown....

There I was..minding my own damn business and here comes Belly's retarded ass....

Belly: Hey, hey...hey you ( he is such a stupid ass)
Me: What
Belly: You don't have to do the "click-down" for me...I'm friendly fire
Me: (thinking) What in the fucking hell are you talking about?
Me: (out loud) What do you mean?
Belly: Your blog, I saw you minimize a screen earlier when I looked over and I figured it was your blog
Me: What are you talking about..I haven't been on my blog in weeks. I was looking at urban dictionary (you stupid fucking asshole)
Belly: Oh, I was just saying..ummm, cuz I know I may have said something to you before but, hey, that's your thing, umm, err, uhhh. I don't know, uh I'm your buddy in this situation..hee hee, uhhh
Me: (giving him the "whatever, stupid" I'm not sure what you saw..I've been looking at the urban dictionary for like, hours.
Belly: Oh, ok, I'm sorry, my bad, uhh, umm

Then he sat his sad, stupid ass down, looking all embarassed.

I am REALLY sick of his snooping ass. His glasses are stupid thick, I guess taht's how he's able to see all the way over here with his Super Duper X-Ray vision.

Freakin' Damn Christmas...

I need a vacation from my vacation.....

I got off of work early to go Christmas shopping because I seemingly like to smoke crack in my sleep.
The mall was "straight stupid" by the time I got there at 1pm...I nearly got run over in the parking lot by an SUV/soccer mom..(and you know how I feel about the SUV/soccer moms). I should have keyed her shit but I had to get to Lane Bryant.

I kicked LB in the teeth and only spent $65..most of it was for myself...what? I figure if ya can't treat yourself then who CAN you treat???? Anyway, they had $45 purses in there for $5.95, I bought 4 of them. Hell,I figure that's what it cost to make them so I did pretty well.

I then made the mistake of going into Claire's..bad move. The store is about 14 square feet of shiny bullshit, add to that about 57 people all going for the same earrings and you've got a mess on your hands. I finally made it out of there alive and decided to wander in to Bloomingdales..after looking at a $90 Ralph Lauren baby sweater, I wandered my ass right back out.

Then, because I hadn't been tortured enough, I decided to go to Wal-Mart...yeah, I know.
I picked up all the gifts for the "old guys" in my life. Socks, pajamas etc...Of course I could not leave without that $11 jean jacket for myself..what? It was on clearance and it has brass accents for god's sake!!

Worked my part-time job..cause I'm stupid.
Michael Vick came in to get his free shoes and clothes per his Nike deal.
Isn't it funny that once you get rich, everything is FREE!!??!!
Anyway..he was stuck up, as usual...ok maybe I'm being mean, maybe he's just shy..whatever.

We sat around most of the day watching cooking shows. The Other Half made Nigella's Chicken and Sausage Bake. It was pretty damn good, I don't like italian sausage though...picky, picky, picky.
I made a Nilla Banana Pudding for a party we were going to on Christmas. Yes, I made the recipe from scratch dammit!! I tried it once with instant pudding and it just wasn't the same.
Look at this recipe from a Blog called The Noisy Kitchen - freaking hilarious

Woo Hoo it's Christmas dammmit!!! Me and TOH made our own ghetto version of a Honeybaked Ham for our friend's party..damn tasty, we used pineapple rum in the glaze with lots of brown sugar and some dried mustard..we are such chefs.

Our first trip was to my step-cousin's (I think) house. Really nice house, just out in the middle of east Egypt. They only paid $160,000 for it two years ago..of course the townhouses across the street from my apartment start in the high $300,000s..bastards.
I got one of those huge, fluffy robe/house dress things from my Step Grandma..I freakin LOVE it more than words can express..mmmm toasty.

They made a spinach and cheese quiche for brunch..I shouldn't have eaten so much of it..damn my stomach hurts and I refuse to poop at other people's houses (Remember "Shit Break" from American Pie??).

Next/Last Stop - We're finally at the Christmas Party..damn, that's a lot of food over there. As if I wasn't already sick, I ate more food..this must be what Belly feels like..mindless eating for no reason.
Ok, throw the "shit comment" that I made earlier out the window...I couldn't take it anymore, I HAD to go. Luckily we were at my pregnant friend's house and she actually invites you to shit at her house..she likes for people to be comfortable..uh, ok.

We were having a pretty good time over there until my pregnant friend's husband (who happened to be blazing drunk by the time we got there) started to watch the Cowboys game...he acts as if he plays for the damn team or something. At one point he got so pissed off that he threw the remote at the wall!
My poor Mom was there and she was so embarrassed. I wanted to kill his ass after the first 50 "F-bombs" he dropped in front of her and then TOH was ready to know it's serious when even HE gets mad.

Well, party ruined, time to go home.

I was so tired that I went STRAIGHT to bed...and in the amazing way that he has perfected, TOH was asleep AND snoring loudly before my head hit the pillow...I feel like choking him sometimes.

Just when I was in that real good, peaceful dreaming like sleep, the damn phone rings....I'm thinking somebody BETTER be dead or at least bleeding severely.
I looked over at the Caller-ID and it's one of TOH's friends from his hometown...I knew that if I picked it up, somebody's feelings would be hurt so I let it ring...damn it all to hell, now I'm awake..and so is TOH..we're both pissed and I dare him to call that bastard back..he never did. I tossed and turned until 2am and TOH fell asleep watching tv in the front room...we were NOT happy campers the next morning as you can imagine.

People can be so damn rude.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006


Ok..After some urging from another co-worker (who witnessed the cookies LAST WEEK), I tried to throw the cookies away and I slow motion..this asshole (Belly) screams and reaches..
NOOOOOOOO!!! Don't throw THEM away....I'll eat em!!!!!!

I was soooo embarrassed for him

You greedy son of a BITCH!!!!!


OK, Like I said before, it's busy around here early in the week so I don't have much time to blog so I'll tell you about my christmas weekend a little later..

I HAD to let somebody know about the beat down Belly is giving these christmas cookies over here (Wait, That sounded kinda dirty..Yeckkkk)

Anyway, LAST FRIDAY, one of our supervisors brought a box of decorated christmas cookies. We opened them..kinda ate a few and forgot about them SITTING ON A DESK, IN THE WIDE OPEN FOR 4 DAYS!!!!. Belly discovered them this morning and has been at them, non-stop for 4 hours.
You can hear him on the phone attempting to tuck one into his fat cheeks while giving people technical instructions..people keep asking him to repeat himself..think he'd get the hint?? NOPE!!
I explained that the cookies were sitting out in the open for days and he just shrugged and said: "I guess I'll roll the dice on this one....these cookies are damn GOOD!!" and he continued to eat them...ewww, you nasty, fat bastard.

I'm thinking of waiting until the end of my day, walking over to them and just CHUCKING them in the garbage...right in front of him...he works the late shift..pretty much all alone....he would be sooooo pissed but it would be sooooo funny.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Nasty Heffas

I just had to tell SOMEbody about the nasty bitches I work with......

I'm pretty sure that we have either:

A: Hermaphrodites


B: Transvestites

that are using the ladies room in our is that piss gets ON THE BACK OF THE TOILET SEAT????


Is it REALLY physically possible to cantilever one's big ass THAT far back???
And another thing: Are you in SUCH a hurry to leave that you can't LOOK BEHIND YOU when you flush.....

Just. Nasty.

This Has GOT To Stop!!

Okay, remember my post about Christmas Sweaters???

Well today I overheard two Sweater Wearing Broads in the hallway......

1st SWB: Hey!! It's good to see you!
2nd SWB: Hi! I was starting to think you weren't going to wear one this season!
1st SWB: (Incoherent babble) I know!! I was worried you'd think that...Blah Blah..Found it the closet the other day...Blah Blah

You should have seen the look on my face..what the fuck is this? "Sweater Peer Pressure"??
It'll be hard to do but I'll try to explain what these chicks were wearing:

SWB #1 had on this red knit thing with little sparkly presents all over it with...*GASP-..A GOD DAMNED FEATHER BOA thing around the neck!! (Look at this article and laugh your ass off please)

SWB #2 was tame by comparison. Hers was bright green with sparkly tinsel threads and 12 inch tall snow-people-scarecrow looking appliques circling the perimeter...

I'm sure they thought I was admiring their sweaters by the way I was staring....So Sad.

Here are so more examples for your viewing pleasure..these damn things cost about $125!!!!

An article titled "Xmas Party Stylin" in the December issue of Men's Health states:

"It's a fine line between festive and foolish". "While garish outfits might get you some punch-bowl-driven laughs, preserve your reputation as a class act by avoiding sweaters with reindeer or snowflakes, ties that could double as wrapping paper and any combination of red and green."
So the fashion gurus have spoken. And the stores beckon. And the rest is up to you.

OH MY DREIDEL!!...They even have THESE:

Ok, I admit, this is kinda cute

Oh Sweet Gluttony.....

This morning, Belly decided to treat us all with bagels from Panera Bread - He brought his "favorite ones" - The Cinnamon Crunch kind...granted, they are pretty damn good (Damn, 410 calories EACH) but he took it to a WHOLE 'NOTHER LEVEL:

As usual, he came bounding down the aisle (the floor literally shaking the whole time) but today he had this glazed look in his eyes and he was breathing all heavy (what's new?)

Belly: (all wispy sounding) They're HOT!!!
Me: ('cuz I'm a smartass) What? They're STOLEN??
Belly: No, I mean they're right out of the oven..I waited 10 minutes for them!!
He busts the container open and takes two bigunns out for himself (for starters). He sat at his desk and proceeded to sing sweet nothings into his bagel's ears..flippin' weirdo.

A couple of people started to line up to get their bagel and this jackass keeps saying:
"THEY'RE HOT ya know!!!" (insert wide-eyed, silly ass look here) "I WAITED for them!!!" (Insert long ass story about how there were only 4 in the case when he got there and he yelled across the bakery for more..blah blah blah - here)

He says this shit to everybody that comes to the table...they all just smiled uncomfortably and kept their heads down before rushing back to their desks.
After a while, people coming to the table just start to blurt out: "We know!! They're HOT!!
I just sat at my desk laughing..I swear I nearly pissed myself every time somebody walked up..and this jackass seriously had no clue what I was laughing at!!

He is SUCH an embarassment to our area....

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

IT"S MY BIRTHDAY!!! (Damn Office Parties)

Yes people, It's my birthday..and yes I CERTAINTLY AM 23 years old...for the second time..oh shut up...

We had a food day and everybody brought something..except Belly, of course and he was the main one scarfing down all the food, of course.

Our department also sponsored free pizza for everyone.."a limit of 3 slices" is what the sign said..Belly had at least my eyes deceive me??? Is that Belly hobbling his ass back over to the pizza table??

The Company sponsored free dessert for the entire building..they handed out little tickets for you to turn in in order to get your pizza, cake, pie etc....Belly tried to fake us all out earlier in the week by trying to offer me his tickets...why is that I JUST saw his fat ass eating a big 'ole piece of coconut cake with his pizza?????
He was probably hiding tickets in his cheeks.. or in the folds of his belly. Ewww.

He was trying to be all witty and funny today around the food table..people were just looking at him as if to say.."just shut the hell up..immediately"

At least he's attempting to be a little more humble (read: realistic) He referred to himself as "Fat Boy" today while telling a story....There's hope for him yet.

Monday, December 18, 2006

He Must Be Watering His Plants With It

Okay do you rememebr when I mentioned Belly's ass-crack breath??

Well due to extreme peer pressure, I was forced to look in his nasty desk for some alcohol wipes the other day..guess what I found....

I'll wait while you giggle......

How on earth is this stuff NOT working...I'm confused.

I should write Crest Corporate Headquarters and really, I'm serious....Okay maybe I'm not.

He claims to be working out at home...however, his stomach is getting bigger..others have noticed too. He mentioned that he was thinking of getting the Lap-Band procedure because i's "reversible"..sniggle.

The Hood Is ALWAYS Exciting!! Whateva..

Quick!! Get the Pulitzer people on the line, cuz I am SUCH a brilliant photojournalist.....

I'm titling this one:

That's Going To Hurt In The Morning or... Donde Esta Brake Pads?

There I was, minding my own damn business when all of a sudden I hear a series of metal-crunching noises then a thud..I looked out the window and here's what I saw across the street:

Immediately people started runing across the street, I was about to call 911 but there were a lot of people on their cell phones so I just waited....Nobody got out of the van and people just started to walk away so I just waited some more....


Bubba Gump's Towing And Fried Chicken Emporium shows up:

('scuse the blurriness, I was looking through the screen of my bedroom window)

Then some more peole came outside and they all stood around for 30 more minutes...then the Fire Dept showed up..more standing around....

Then A REAL BIG tow truck came by..he stood around for a while then he left...

Bubba Gump and 'nem then decide it's time to get moving so here goes....

More foolishness..then more people..The lady in the lovely "Barbecue Condiment Set" outfit seems to be the resident of the crushed home, the firemen were hugging her...

Wait Bubba!!!'s stuck on the fence post!!

So then they rip the rest of the fence apart and....

Whew..finally free. But as if all that stupidity was not enough..the owner of the van decides....

Hey Vatos!! It STILL runs!!

Fucking idiot almost went over a SECOND embankment while parking!!

The "aftermath":


Friday, December 15, 2006

Pet Peeve Of The Season

You CAN'T be fucking serious.....
My co-workers are walking around wearing these things...I'm soooo embarassed for them.
I, on the other hand, to look waaay better than them, have "hooched up" a cute santa tee from Target with rhinestones. It's vintage looking and has Santa in a karate stance with nunchuks..It says Elf Defense Kung Fu Dojo est 1974. oh. the. hilarity!!!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Keep It Shady

As I mentioned in my previous post, I went to the porn shop Friday.

I was completely APPALLED!!

First of all when I walked in, I was GREETED, very loudly by the girl behind the register..umm could you shut up bitch?? I am trying to be incognegro up in here and you are ruining it, Missy!!

After getting over that shock, I decided to peruse the dildo comes Miss Mary Sunshine again!!
Her: Can I help you find anything??
Me: (avoiding eye contact), just looking for Dirty Santa gift
Her: OH MY GOD!!! WE HAVE LOTS OF GREAT STUFF!!! blah blah blah blah
Me: (Thinking) Is this broad serious?

She then scampered off to bother the next customer who looked at her in an equally embarrassed way.

I don't know 'bout you, but I prefer my porn stores dimly lit, shady with the faintest smell of disinfectant, not all bright and cheery and shit.

What is this world coming to??

Oh did I tell you about one of my TOP 5 embarrassing moments???

I was in a sex shop...minding my own damn business..I went to check out and..and..and..The "thing I bought" wouldn't scan...shit!!!
I watched in horror as the counter boy slowly grabbed the overhead microphone thingy (creaking and feedback included) and yells: PRICE CHECK!!! If I could have folded myself up in a molecule, I would have. Then the guy he asked for the price check couldn't seem to find it in the section he was in so HE YELLS: Dude, which one was it???!!!
Then, of course, the ass behind the counter RAISES IT IN THE AIR and yells "DUDE, it's THIS ONE"....

I promise, I would have paid $6,0000 for that fucking thing at that very moment.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Party Queen

Woo!! It feels like I haven't blogged since Belly was thin...then that would have been never wouldn't it???
hahahaha, oh, I kill me.

My weekend was STUPID busy..I almost felt like my old "partying self"..almost.

Friday I stayed up until 1am making chocolate covered strawberries for Party #1 (see schedule below). I then had to wake up at 8am in a panic worried that I was going to wake up late and miss my shift at my shitty part time job (one of them). I went back to sleep..sort of.. and woke up at 9:45 to start the following:

LINKA'S SATURDAY SCHEDULE aka: Work yourself like a slave for your friends

11 am - 3 pm: Work shitty retail job, mostly goofing off and looking at men (stupid customers had me there until 3:13 actually..fuckers)

3:15 pm - 3:32 pm: Drive home, screaming obscenities the entire way, pulling up to my house on 2 wheels.

3:32 pm - 3:55 pm: ATTEMPT to get dressed quickly because I was SOOOOO smart to lay my outfit out the previous night..but wait..I HATE THIS OUTFIT. Walked around looking stupid for about 10 minutes for no reason and ended putting the original outfit on as planned..damn it!!!

4:40 pm: Arrived at Party #1 which started at 4 pm. (Somebody's gotta be late..why not let it be me??) Ex-Co-worker's house is FUCKING FABULOUS!!! It has a REAL bar in the basement with two bathrooms (??) and a pool table. (secretly think she's selling dope on the side but am informed that she's sort of "sub-letting" whateva).

4:45 pm - 8:50 pm: Screamed and Screamed, Drank and Drank, Laughed and Laughed with all my old co-workers from the really fucked up Non Profit that we all worked at 10 years ago.

Let one of our old friends know that I used to have a super sloppy crush on him - felt kind of weird when he said: "Used to?? What about now?!?
I slipped out of his very tight grip while mentioning The Other Half and realized that I shouldn't have said anything about anything.

8:55 pm: Finally left the party that I said earlier that I would leave at "7 pm, NO EXCEPTIONS" (yeah, right)

9:15 pm - 9:30 pm: Screamed at TOH (in my head) for not being dressed and ready for Party #2 before I got home..damn it boy, I left a note AND called you while I was out..jees!

9:30 pm - 10:30 pm: Drive time to Party #2, yes, my co-worker lives in the fucking boonies

10:35 pm - 1:20 am: Partied my stupid ass off!! Late again as usual..slackers.
Since we pre-paid $10 to attend this shin-dig, it was our intention to eat and drink our fair share and then some but by the time we got there all the "good" liquor was gone and the food was picked over..oh well

Here are some of Party #2's Highlights:

The Questions Game - Everybody writes out a question that they have always wanted an answer to and the "Question Ho" picks them from a hat. Example questions: "Does size matter?" or "What constitutes Good Pussy?" (What?? people were drunk) or TOH's favorite "Why can't a man have JUST ONE SUNDAY to watch football IN PEACE?" (whateva, assholes). This whole game turned into a "Men against Women" thing as usual.

The Dirty Santa Exchange - Oh.The.Comedy.
But I, like a dumbass left my gift at home. On Friday I purchased a lovely Cock Ring with Latex Whip Attachment (woo hoo!!) then I bought a box of condoms by HUGE brand. What?? We had a $10 limit and my OCD wouldn't let me buy just one gift!!

TOH's "Fireside Chat" - Somehow TOH got ahold of one of those "Sex Positions For Everyday Of The Year" books and ended up surrounded by me and another 10 ladies calling out different dates. Once he found the requested date he turned the book around to show us all the position like it was story hour at Gymboree...fucking hilarious.
Then in his usual "direct" way, he let them know that they (including him and me) were all wayyyy too big to try at least 90% of these moves. Somehow none of them were offended, he's such a charmer (yeah, whateva)

Ghetto Karaoke - Again, Oh.The.Comedy.
Why, you ask, is it called "Ghetto Karaoke"?? Well imagine this setup: Hip Hop songs playing on a really cool IPOD player BUT attached to a kid's jukebox/cd player/double microphone thingie that gave more bad feedback than Ebay. Oh, did I mention there were NO WORDS on the screen?? You pretty much had to "figure out" the words for your damn self.
TOH and my Co-Worker "Sherlock" did a surprisingly accurate rendition of Doug E. Fresh's "The Show". He was even doing the "Doug E. Fresh dance"...if you've seen Paid In Full, you'll know what I mean. He also found his way to the mic on EU's "Doin' Tha Butt".
One of my seemingly "sweet and quiet" co-workers got up and did Rob Base's "It Takes Two" , rappin' it like he wrote it....Somehow he ended up freak dancing with his single female cube mate..I thought he was married..woo good times.

Moral of this story:

Drunk people should NOT Karaoke

All the way home, TOH kept trying to offer me some of THE ENTIRE PARTY-SIZE BAG of Tostitos Scoops chips he took from the party.
TOH: Wants some tortilllllllllla chips??
Me: No, I'm trying to drive and I'm already dehydrated
*welcome silence* (except for his munching and smacking, a sad reminder of Belly)
TOH: Linka72, I have to tell you something, it's really important, look at me
Me: (irritated, since he always professes some important "truth" every time he drinks) What??!?
TOH: *sighs*, leans in, looks at me in a serious way.......You have GOT to try these chips!!!!
At this point I'm trying to figure out how to throw him through the windshield without the airbags opening.....

That drunk ass boy went on like that for most of the hour-long trip home. Thank god he finally fell asleep..gripping the chip bag tightly.

Needless to say, me and TOH slept most of the day Sunday and I'm still hoarse from laughing and screaming, I'm sure all the alcohol didn't help my throat situation either.

Of course ya know everybody was "hanging their heads low" on Monday..leave it my big ass mouth to "remind" them of their deeds..oh, being evil is SO much fun.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

A Rock And A Hard Place

Belly shaved his wild Taliban beard down over the weekend..thank god.

He hates it, I know this because he stated that he "paid a person to mess him up". I guess that statement means his barber took the initiative and helped his fat ass out by shearing him like a sheep.

I personally think he looks 7 million times better. He actually looks the face.... but I'm afraid to tell him so because he might get his little willy all hard and take it as a compliment...yeck! bad visual!
He's aso letting his beady/bug eyes breathe today since he's not wearing his coke bottle glasses..why are they always caked with crud/shit chips??? Eww. He looks kinda like a baby rat..squintin' and shit.

He just bounded down the aisle with his lunch..I'm thinking of following him into the break room just to stare at his food like he does me. One day I noticed that he's one of those people that takes 1 fry at a time and puts ketchup...on that 1 at. a. damn. fucking irritating.

I should cough all over his lunch just for shits and giggles.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Belly's Foot And Other Foolishness

I'm still trying to figure out how Belly's fat ass manages to balance on a foot that is turned at a 90 degree angle. I guess his parents couldn't afford a foot brace for him when he was little...po' thang.

Thankfully the phones have been busy and he's been relatively quiet. He's such a martyr that he feels he must "save the world" and answer every damn call that comes in and stay on with each caller waaaay longer than needed. He also makes a mountain out a mole hill on most calls..for instance say you need a password reset, Belly will turn that into you needing a completely new workstation for no reason at all....stupid ass.

I really think he's the type of person that loves drama. He seems to "create" it in his household..remember the whole hidden camera debacle??

About 15 times a day, his 10 year old daughter calls his desk phone, each time, she's so excited to tell on the other kids that he has to say her name OVER AND OVER AND OVER (really loud, mind you), then tell her to calm down. Then he has to tell her to stop calling but he says it in SUCH a yella belly way that not even a 10 year old believes it and she keeps on calling.

If I EVER called my Mom at work and it wasn't because my brother was on fire and/or bleeding to death, she would have kicked my ass!!

He also feels the need to seem important to everyone. He actually admitted that he only married his wife as part of a "social experiment" because she looked needy..fucking weirdo, I think it was because she was mentally slow, light skinned and had big tits..but that's just my opinion.

Oh wait..lemme tell ya this part:

One day he was sitting over the wall blabbing all his damn business to me (this was in the early days when he was new to our department and I was trying to be nice).

He said that the reason he "gained a couple of pounds" was because when he first got married, he was SUCH a hot piece of ass (yeck..gag) that women were constantly hitting on him (yeah, whatever). He figured that good looking chicks wouldn't be SO attracted to him if he was a little chunky...

oops!! looks like you skated right past chunky and landed in lard-ass city.

He then said..out loud... to me..... that the caveat to this whole "test" was that fat girls started noticing him and that he was disgusted by it....I know....WTF??? He's dillusional. I can't imagine ANY woman being attracted to his goofy ass.

Speaking of Goofy..Here's what his teeth look like:

hahahahahahaha...woooo...hahahahahaha, I am so mean

Are You On The List? bored ass has nothing to blog about today..'cept I love Heroes on NBC.
Are You On The List? is the new catch phrase for the show(Remember Save The Cheerleader, Save The World?)...Back when I was in college, I was always on somebody's "list"..mostly their Shit List..but that's another story....

Monday, December 04, 2006

YAAAAAY Baby Furniture!!! Yeah, Right.

I spent all Sunday at my pregnant friend's house assembling the oh so lovely baby's room above..I knew on Saturday (when she announced that "the guys" would be putting it together) that it would be a day of heavy cursing and frustration. Much like the last time, her husband had none of the required can't imagine how many times I had to explain to him that you DON'T hammer a SCREW into anything. Dammit boy!

When I first got there, all the guys (including mine, who I allowed to spend the night over there) were hung over.

Since his birthday sucked from the previous week, The Other Half has deemed this weekend as his "Birthday Weekend" and has been drunk for 3 days.

I knew in the back of my mind that I and only I would end up assembling every damn thing in the box....

Long story longer....After TOH made everybody steaks for dinner (damn, I love that man) I finished putting the crib together..the baby's father made a half-assed attempt to help me but was far too busy drinking beer and watching the Cowboys win...(Is all that damn screaming at the TV neccessary??)

I then moved on to the one even made the effort to as much as look in my direction while I did it, they must have sensed my anger or they just didn't give a damn..I was almost done when TOH came down the stairs lookin all tired and cranky.."aren't you done yet??...let's go..I'm tired..wah wah fuckin wah...

I had everything laid out as per the 40 page instruction booklet - bolts sized accordingly etc, etc. There was a pile of "unapproved/what the fuck are these extra things" type screws and bolts then I had a pile of "correct and approved" type screws and bolts.

OF COURSE The baby's father decided to "help me out" but attaching the top with something from the "unapproved" guessed it..he gouged a huge horrible hole in the wood top!! He shrugged it off by saying "Well, we're going to putting things on top of it to cover that anyway"....huh???

I was too tired to curse him.....I left the changing table up to him..we'll see how THAT turns out.

being a super Auntie is SUCH a burden.