Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Admitting It Is Half The Battle...

We were talking about pants height in our daily bullshit session.
A couple of my co-workers tend to wear their pants right up around the chin area...oh the comedy.

Belly found it necessary to butt in and add that "he's the opposite because of his stomach". It was all I could do to not laugh in his ridiculous face.

TV Is Funny

Well Mr Honda got lucky today. I left the house late and missed him...good thing, I guess.

TV had me laughing last night.

American Idol had it's usual foolishness. Who let that broad in the pink fishnet top and the one in the Big Bird suit out of the house??? Some people just don't have that "fashion filter" in their brains....

The Knights Of Prosperity has got to be the funniest shit on TV..when they started singing Tom Sawyer by Rush, I thought I was going to piss myself!! That is such a "mullet wearer" song.

Dirt on FX is surprisingly good. I always thought Courtney Cox was kinda strange..I dunno, just a feeling but she's a good actress on that show.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Road Rage

To the ASSHAT FUCKHEAD driving the silver Honda Civic (what? Couldn't afford an Accord??) down Medlock Bridge Rd this morning, license AHU 7... who found it neccesary to repeatedly slam on brakes in front of me and then not let me pass in the other lane, swerved and nearly hit me AND the car in front of me, then when I got beside you, wouldn't look over as if you were all of a sudden a scared little chickenshit......


Yeah, I let you slide this morning because "I'm working on my anger issues" but tomorrow is another day.....

Monday, January 29, 2007

Water Aerobics Kicks Ass..Mine

My motto up until now has been: (Thanks J Timberlake)

I'm Bringing Chunky Back...Those Skinny Bitches Don't Know How To Act

But, I finally decided to get off my ass and go to the gym on Saturday.

I woke up all early and excited like a dork...the water aerobics class started at 9:00 am and I wanted to be "ready"...I guess.

When I got there the locker smelled of fresh butt crack and exciting.
I really didn't want to touch anything but I HAD to in order to change into my skirtini..eww. EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING was rusty and/or decaying/crumbling..I think I need a tetanus shot.

There was a broad staring at me while I was contemplating changing in front of the lockers so I took all my stuff into a bathroom stall and changed - I heard her outside the bathroom area and she was saying: "Hey, Hey you" (reminds me of Belly). I was thinking to myself: "I KNOW this bitch is NOT talking to ME!!" don't get me wrong, I love gay people but she was just a little too aggressive for my tastes..

Anywhoo, after I escaped the bathroom stall, I got in the pool...mmm warm...There were a few elderly ladies swimming around then some big girls got in. I was sitting there all cocky and shit thinking: "I can't outdo ALL these broads..yeah..uh huh..look at me..I'm The Shit"

Yes, you guessed it...THEY KICKED MY ASS!!!

There was a lady that had to be at least 117 years old...she was "doin' tha damn thang" (I would link to a definition of this phrase but my fuck-ass workplace blocked The Urban Dictionary..bastards)

Everything was all cool and leisurely until the instructor told us to RUN LAPS down the length of the pool...huh??..wha??? Now that shit was surprisingly difficult..I tried to stop at 2 laps and blend into the crowd but the instructor looked DIRECTLY at me and said (all nice and shit with a smile) TWO MORE LAPS!!
I grumbled and thought: "Damn it!!!"

The class went on for an hour..that's a long damn time to be in the pool but I had a good time and I plan on going again this week. When we had to do some exercises near the pool deck, I noticed that the pool could use a little cleaning but I was praying that all that chlorine was helping....somehow.

When I got back to the dressing room, "oggling dyke lady" was there..I ignored her and ran to the shelter of the bathroom stall..Have you ever tried to change out of a tight,wet bathing suit in a cramped stall, all the while trying not to touch a damn thing INCLUDING the nasty floor?? Believe me, It's not cute.

I guess it was "strange people in the locker room day" because I noticed a lady standing near the steam room, staring at the floor..she was like that for quite a while. I noticed her earlier, staring at a different spot on the floor..weirdo..Then she was out by the pool, staring at some more floor. Then she was staring at her weirdo boyfriend who was in the pool for some reason and TALKING REAL DAMN LOUD during our class. It seemed like she only went to the gym with him to humor him..WTF??

In my pursuit of healthyness, I ate something that morning that had my stomach bubblin' so I wasn't able to get on the treadmill afterwards..great excuse huh?

Maybe I'll try a different branch of Bally's..hopefully they're not ALL as nasty as the one I went to...hopefully.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

If I Was An American Idol Judge....

I FINALLY got The Other Half to watch American Idol with me last night. For years he has downright REFUSED to watch "that stupid shit" with me but last night..I guess it was all the crack he smoked..he watched it. The jackass had the nerve to enjoy it, whaddya gonna do?

Anyway, we came up with a few "If We Were Judges And The Audition Was Bad" rules:

1. IMMEDIATE gut-busting laughter - too bad if your feelings get hurt

2. EXTREMELY harsh criticism - again, screw you and your feelings, I might even talk about yo momma

3. Batteries, D size - heading for your temple as soon as you hit "your Mariah Carey-like high note". Oh the mental picture of people getting pelted with batteries..har har har (when did I morph into a pirate??)

4. Pimp Slaps - Swift and of course, hard.

I can already hear the cries of "Oh, you're too mean".."You shouldn't make fun of people"...

blah fuckin' blah..stop being babies

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Who "Upgraded" You?

Me and The Other Half were watching videos yesterday and Beyonce's Upgrade U" the chorus goes:
Partner Let me upgrade you
Audemars Piguet you
Switch your neck ties to purple labels
Upgrade you I can (up), can I (up) Lemme upgrade you
Partner let me upgrade you Partner let me upgrade you
Flip a new page
Introduce you to some new things & Upgrade you
I can (up), Can I (up), let me Upgrade you
(partner let me upgrade you)

TOH admitted to me that he feels that I ugraded him. He said that he would probably still be stuck in a small town, working in a factory if he hadn't met me online...yay me!

I realized that I too had been upgraded by someone. We'll call her Beep. If I hadn't met her 20 eons ago, I'd probably be a welfare mother with at least 4 kids by now.

Before helping me out, She was upgraded by an older business man who showed her that there was more to life than what she was experiencing. Luckily we were both able to benefit from is guidance.

It amazes me how things happen in this thing we call life. Think back to a choice you made, what if you had made a different choice?

Where would you be now?

Tuesday, January 23, 2007


Okay, So I'm all about Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas these days. That song Fergalicious is crazeeeeee.

There's something to be said about an ENTIRE song that basically states:


My philosophy has always been that if YOU don't think you're the shit, then who will? If ya can't toot your own horn, then who's can you toot??..Of course it would be nasty to toot the wrong horn..but anyway...

I was going through some boxes and found a list me and my college housemates made. It was called:

1. I can sing
2. I can dance
3. Men love all my "cushioning"
4. I'm better than you on SO many levels
5. My hair is cute
6. My clothes are hot (No really, we had a friend that was a shop-lifter)
7. I'm smarter than you (Funny, seeing as I was flunking out at the time)
9. Did I mention that my hair is cute?
10. Just Because..nuff' said
We all had a different version of the above list that we spent hours typing up. We then found it necessary to POST IT ON THE REFRIGERATOR for all to see.
We also spent our parent's hard earned money on business cards that stated:
It then had our home phone, pager numbers etc....We would hand them out to cute guys in clubs and especially at Freaknik.
It's amazing how cocky we were back then...oh, the hilarity

2 Things You NEVER Want To Hear From Your Gyno....

Both said in the SAME visit by the way...

1. Wooo!! OUCH!! That looks like it hurts!! (P.S., A SECOND doctor then comes in and adds "So I hear you have a lump on your bump"..WTF is going on in THIS office??)

2. You have a nice, long vagina.

Okay, let's start with comment number 1. If any of you have had Folliculitis in you "nether regions", you can feel my pain..literally!

And on to comment number 2.....I guess I should take it as a compliment..I think.

I'm sure this "compliment" would only serve me well if I were doing a "Donkey Show" in Tijuana but um..Thanks???

Friday, January 19, 2007

Belly's Beard...A Theory....

I think Belly has Mange...I'm serious.

He was hovering over me yesterday and when I looked up at him, by accident of course, I was forced to witness the underside of his tangled mess of a beard.

It was all nappy and it looked like it hurt.
Here's a picture I found on the uncanny resemblance if you ask me..but you didn't. Me and my cubemates joked that maybe we should hold him down and shear him like a sheep.
He'd probably man-giggle himself to death.

How could a person neglect themselves like that?? Maybe I'm not used to it because I live with a "closet metro-sexual" that's named The Other Half (TOH)..I swear, I have LITERALLY fallen asleep waiting for him to get dressed.
When I point this out to him, He claims to not know what the hell I'm talking about..just like a man.
I guess I'm lucky to have a man that gives a shit about his appearance.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Lose The Pizza Place's Number!!!!

Our supervisor treated us to pizza today...yes, you guessed it..Belly was completely out of control.

He claims that he's been working out on his treadmill lately so that's why his appetite is so strong..uh, ok

I decided to pass on the pizza, due to my acid reflux and all, so when he heard this, he immediately said:
"Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey (what, motherfucker?????) Can I have your slices??"
This is after he ALREADY ate 3 slices..add my 2 slices..then he got up and ate 2 more..7 slices of

I swear, it's absolutely amazing..I can't help but stare..No Orhan, it's not because of his "searing physique"

Imagine how long it's going to take him to get "Six pack abs".....

Friday, January 12, 2007

Say It Loud, I'm Black And I'm Proud!!! or The Day I Realized I Was A Black Girl

On the way to work today, I heard Stevie Wonder's song Happy Birthday (Dr. King).
EVERY time I hear that song, I get all "weepy".

Here's why:

Between the ages of 4 thru 11, I was raised in England on Mildenhall Air Force Base (also Lakenheath and Feltwell AFB's).
Growing up, I never really noticed the separation between blacks and whites..I pretty much thought everybody was just different shades of something....anyway...I had this social studies teacher who was the coolest person I'd ever seen.
She had long brown hair with a part in the middle and she was real "granola" and hippie like.
Along with these two sisters that had their hair in plaits and beads (I thought they were pretty damn cool looking too), she brought up the idea of teaching Black History at our elementary school..*Gasp*, Clutch The Pearls!!!

I was excited but I wasn't sure why...yet...
On Martin Luther King's birthday she arranged to have Stevie's song played over the school
As soon as it started playing, something inside me felt so proud to be black. That whole day, kids were treating us black kids like we were rock stars or something..I remember one of the white kids asking me what is was like to be black. I just shrugged and said "I dunno"..because it's not like I've ever been anything else....

I remember running home and telling my mom: "I'm a black girl!!..... and I'm proud!!!"

She probably thought I was a goof ball, but she just looked at me and said: "That's a good thing, Baby. Always remember that"

When I look back at my childhood, I always count that day as my "Best Day Ever".

It's interesting, to me at least, that some 15 years later, I ended up working at The King Center in Atlanta for nearly 5 years.
Even though my desk window faced Dr. King's Crypt, I let myself get caught up in the day to day politics and foolishness that happens in every office and I never really appreciated the influence his "dream" had on me.

While I was cleaning last week, I found a snapshot of me and Mrs. King. She was such a great woman, not only because of the obvious reasons, but because she was one of the funniest people I didn't know THAT did ya??? Yes, me and Mrs. King had many a discussion about aliens and UFOs.....

After finding that picture, I finally realized all that the King's have done and how I, and many of the people I know, have benefitted from it.

I told this story to an older co-worker once and she said that she had also had one of these "moments" when she was little but that it was about the late, great James Brown. She explained that back in the late 50's and early 60's, you didn't see many black people on TV.
James Brown was on one night and it was like God himself was performing! Half the neighborhood was crowded around her TV and she remembers standing there, crying her eyes out screaming the famous lyrics: Say It LOUD, I'm Black and I'm PROUD!!
I wonder if she counts that as her "Best Day Ever" and does she think of it when "certain people" here in the deep south treat her like crap?

Maybe So....

Happy Birthday Dr. King.
Rest in Peace James Brown

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Stupid MCI Neighborhood and Damn Earthlink

Well I don't have DSL service at home anymore. Stupid MCI Neighborhood discontinued their DSL service for a reason that they cannot explain.
They left me high and dry with no suggestions of other DSL companies..fuckers

So Woo HOO!! A mailer from Earthlink came that was spouting off all kinds of cheap phone and DSL service combined and I immediately signed up online.

I waited, each day becoming more and more excited about having the internet again....
and waited
and waited

Then I called them and asked them - WTF??? They said: "Your order was cancelled because you do not have phone service with the local "major" phone company"
I called back a couple of days later and they said...We''l give you DSL and phone service with us if you agree to change your phone number
I called the local phone monopoly and they wanted a $100 Deposit!!!! (fuck that)
I called Earthlink back the same day for yet another round of bullshit: "Your current phone service provider will not release your phone number, so we can't transfer your number"
SO damn WHATEVA!!!!!
I called my current phone service provider (MCI Neighborhood) only to hear: " We are NOT holding your number hostage, we have NO CLUE what you are talking about"

I swear to god...

So the moral of this story is:
Get dial up and suffer...oh wait! No dial-up for you Linka72...more phone line/phone number BULLSHIT!!!

I'm going to go drink extremely heavily right now.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Well Look What The Cat Dragged In...

Ok, So I haven't posted in what?...seventeen centuries???

TOH must have wanted to get kicked in the nuts for the New Year...he was moody all day Sunday, his usual "man-period" must have been on. The clock struck Midnight and he was cordial enough I guess. We toasted and kissed then he went out on the balcony...weird, moody ass.

On a lighter note, the ghetto was off the chain and buckin' (shooting) as usual..I tried to stay in the hallway to avoid a serious head wound but TOH doesn't seem to be scared of shit!!
They fired off for at least two hours..damn, it's time to move away from here.

Shopping has seemed to make me feel better though...Dillard's was basically giving shit away, half off clearance WOO HOO!! I went to Torrid and bought this hat and this really cute hat ..Now where the hell am I going to wear a hat??? Oh well, I'll be cute in the mirror at home.

I did, however, manage to return enough shit from Christmas to get some gas/lunch money for the week. This vicious spending/returning cycle CAN'T be good for me.