Saturday, June 23, 2012

The Baby Is Scared Of Inflatable Shit...

Look how cute he is....loooook!

But according to mah sweet lil baybee he is a bastard from hell...and he must die.

It all started on the day before her 1st birthday party. I had BIG PLANS for the only two other "babies" that she technically knew. (She's not in daycare).

We were going to have "pool time" at my condo's lil raggedy pool after cake and ice cream and shit...

So I went out to Target and spent GOOD MONEY on all these inflatable things because according to the packages - they were fun and shit.

I sat on the floor and started to blow everything up and lil baybee immediately started to shit herself with fear..weird..I thought maybe it was the sound the air was making when I blew into them...I dunno, she could barely look at them and was clawing at my neck..WTF?

I stacked alll that expensive shit up in the corner and prayed it was just a phase.

She's kinda strange that way though..she once freaked out over some slippers that I had on..sigh, hey, I hit the jackpot and got a weird baby.

Anyway, her party came and went and the pool idea went to shit..cut to yesterday.

It was Down South Slavery hot here so we got our cute bathing gear together and went to the pool..yay, we were screaming ass banshee kids from across the street...yay.

She eyeballed the turtle like "keep it movin' fucker"...and I sat her down in it...

{Insert award-winning baby freak-out here}

I took her out and we floated around for a while..she kept throwing eye-daggers at him as he made his way to the deep end..poor turtle.

We tried again and she tried to black my eye..seriously, she was pissed..whoa, ok lady.

None of this stopped me from posting her "crying in the pool" video on Facebook for all my friends and family to mock and discuss..

cuz i'm izz a gud momma.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Have You Ever Hated That Bitch In The Next Cubicle?

*le sigh*
So THIS came up in my weekly review meeting:
Supervisor: *sigh* I normally wouldn't say anything..but it came up in MY weekly review.
Me: um, ok
Supervisor: maybe you should bring the baby by less often
Me: (thinking)'the fuck?? (out loud) Is she loud? Disruptive?
Supervisor: OH GOD NO!! She is quiet as a church mouse, never cries and is so very precious..I call her "my child" for God's sake!
Me: um, ok..Did someone say something?
Supervisor: I wasn't told any specifics but somebody might think that she might be a distraction..but please know that I'M not the one saying this..

You know how when you get embarrassed and your face starts to get hot and you feel tears welling up? Yeah, I had that...

What fucking irks me is that everybody in here BEGS ME to bring her to work on my days kidding, BEGGING.

I suspect it is this one bitch that thinks that EVERYTHING is a distraction..

You got a new haircut? DISTRACTION!!
You had a heart attack? DISTRACTION!!
The sky is blue?? WHAT!?! DISTRACTION!!!!!!! CALL H.R.!!

I fucking hate her and her ass kissing ways. She's one of those people that dresses her dog up in sailor suits and has no life.

I looked back at the times when I did bring her in..just in case I was being an asshole (it's possible)..and I swear, we were quiet, unassuming and very respectful ( a stretch for me, believe that) every time we came by.
I even worried taht maybe I WAS bringing her to work too much..but they just kept it up with the damn begging.

I somehow kept myself from actually crying in our meeting..because I wouldn't want to be a distraction or anything..grrrr

Some people just always have to find a way to keep somebody "under their thumb"

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Watch What You Say On Your Blog..Yeah Right, WHATEVS

I was puttering around on my rarely used Etsy shop today and noticed that I had a message...I figured it was some blah blah blah from Etsy about "welcome to our crunchy hippie site" but it was actually an email from a reality TV "star".

Huh, wha?

Apparently, SIX FUCKING YEARS AGO, I posted a blog about a really obscure reality show called T.reasure H.unters. In that post I intimated that I would whoop someone's ass if I caught her in a dark alley...all because she was mean to her seemingly sweet Dad..and she was acting like an award winning bratass, so like I "do", I voiced my opinion in written form.

Problem was, I used her entire name and she was "embarrassed by what is posted about her on the web". She wrote: "I'm just now trying to clean up what comes up when you google search my name"
She went as far as contacting Google who then told her to try contacting ME..thanks Google..fuckers.

At first, I had an "oh shit" moment - like..oh noes, lawsuit? blog deletion?

And then....the super duper asshole in me came out and I thought:

So you're embarrassed huh? How about.... DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE ON NATIONAL TV???? Obviously, your behavior follows you on the innerwebbins forever.
Is she going to send out an email plea to every damn body??

grrr..the nerve of her..makes my teeth itch.

I SO wish I could direct you to the actual links of what OTHER people have said about comments are tame in comparison.

I deleted her actual name (cuz I'm too tired for bullshit this morning) - but the comment (and the feeling behind it) stands.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Pregnancy Jealousy and Beyonce Is A Damn Alien

I know this is old, but it's been festering in my brain for months.

Check out this bitch at the 3:17 mark....

It's official...She is not human.

My sickly ass could barely walk during the last months of my pregnancy and this broad has the nerve to do a kick-squat in 47 inch heels without fainting, vomiting and/or falling into the orchestra pit...I gotta get rich and soon.

Granted, she was in WAY better shape than I was and WAY younger..but I'm sure being rich usually does.

Yes, I'm hating..(it's because I'm bored..honestly..okay, maybe not)

For most of my pregnancy I was sick as a dog. Add to that wonderfullness SCIATICA..on BOTH SIDES..yay.

So when I would see these bright, shiny and happy pregnant ladies around town, I would secretly hate them..then I would go home and cry because yeah, I had THAT too.

Pregnancy wasn't fun for do people do this more than once???

It's probably that moment, early in the morning when your widdle baybay looks up at you with that sweet cherub face and babbbles something that sounds like "mama"..sigh, that child has made me a fucking sappy ass sap...

And on another note...Build-A-Bear Workshop is the Devil...that is all.