Friday, December 18, 2009

More Talk Of Bellies And Such

Wikipedia calls it a Panniculus...I call it....FRIEND

Remember my post about Belly's Sister's Belly?...well I'm still afraid of that big ole thang...and it still talks to me...but now it speaks in a French accent...Sacrebleu!!

I was walking back to my desk the other day and she was in a back hallway on her cell phone. She was leaning back against the window sill and I (unfortunately) happened to notice that her stomach had a CAMEL TOE!!!! ( I would link a heeelarious reference to that word but every thing related to it has been blocked where I work..fuckin party poopers).

*fainted, then died*

I find myself wondering if she wears her panties OVER it or UNDER it....I mean, I have a lil gut and I wear my panties over it..people tell me that I tend to over share...they're crazy.

Ok..I'm so damn mean...but sometimes I just can't help it.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Oh Stop Ya Blood-Clot Cryin Already....



*sigh*

Now that my ass is a little less sore from Thanksgiving...ok, that sounded weird...I am now takin the time to have a little pity party.

I hate everybody and everything.

It seems that my parents and lil sister have moved into my guest room. They have been here since Thanksgiving...it just "sorta happened".

Long story short - They have a house about 30 miles from mine - 2.5 years ago they saw a rodent of some sort in there - they RAN from said house to Grandma's house - they visited their own house occasionaly while they "sorta" moved in with GMa - the roof sprung a leak - no one noticed for a while - mildew is half way up the wall in my lil sis's room..and spreading - her ceiling also fell in - GMa finally got sick of having house guests - Oh, and my parents don't have a lot of money AND they have a procrastination problem.

I offered to help them fix the situation but I can't get them to commit to anything.

Try to talk to my step dad the other night just about made me slit my throat. You see, he's a Narcoleptic that also has Sleep Apnea..yeah, good times.

I mean, shit, we could pull a truck up to the nearest gas station and pick up a few day laborers, some masks, a couple of crowbars, shovels and have the room gutted in like an hour!!

Drywall costs what? $12 a sheet? a roll of insulation? $20...tarp? $30???

Fuckin hell, it makes me angry that they let their house get to the state it's in.

I've decided to get an extremely small loan from the credit union to try and help out.

Shit sucks..we're poor and I'm tired....and I still have far too many people living in my condo that I am not married to.

Somebody pour me a drink....A BIG ONE

And get me a shotgun...cuz if I see ANYTHING remotely "rodent-ish" while I'm there??? That fucker will be dead as the day is long.

Friday, November 13, 2009

I Always Feel Like Somebody Is Watchin' Meeeee


Good lord, when was my last post??

Shaddup, I've been busy fending off a Belly doppelganger.

Yes...there's a new guy...and strangely he looks like a caucasian version of Belly..and he stares at my juggs...and I hate him already.

He's only actually spoken to me once..and my skin crawled afterwards...His pod mate is my buddy who I call "Paul Wall" the most ghetto white boy I have ever met..and when I go over there to get my "hood fix", Ole Beady Eyes is always there..justa lookin.

and he's a Mouth-Breather..how sexy.
Even sexier, his stomach is so big he has to lean almost all the way back in his chair.

I seem to be fascinated with people's stomachs lately..I'm like a child that can't stop staring.
I know it's mean...but I just can't help it. Belly's sister's is one of my favorites to look at. It hangs all the way down by her knees and she sorta has to propel it forward when she walks.

It's almost like it speaks to me in a pre-historic nomadic language that the two of us can understand.

Stomach: Bleety Buu Hee Owww *tongue click* Mehee Calala
Me: Mmm Hmmm, every day and twice on Wednesdays

I think it's mostly skin from when she had an "alleged" gastric bypass some years ago...but a fellow hateful co-worker disagrees and says "aww hell naww, that's fat"...(this is the same person that said she needed a "do-over" on her gastric bypass...and I laughed for 2 hours after he said that - I felt bad - but I still laughed).

I sometimes wonder if she has to put baby powder under it like I have to do with my big ole Double D's in the summer time.....

This blog is a cry for help isn't it?

Friday, October 30, 2009

Yay Halloween??




*sigh*

Happy almost Halloween....

As usual, I am the only person dressed up...because "Halloween is the Devil" according to the "Amen Corner".

Whatever...

I'm Coffy/Foxy Brown today...but I've renamed myself Koffee Keylala Brown..cuz I'm bored.


If I weren't trying to keep my hateful ass anonymous, I'd show you some pictures...

Whatever... Eat some damn cupcakes.... gone horribly wrong






Friday, October 16, 2009

I Really Hate People Who Hate Other People..

*sigh*

My co-workers are RAGING homophobes and it makes me sad. I call them the Amen Corner and they tend to hide it under the guise of being religious and that "it just aint right"...but the bottom line is that they are mean as fuck.

Ok, I get the whole "freedom of speech" thing but gaaahh..the things they say are just..ughh, here are a few..because I just can't believe these broads sometimes:

"You know Queen Latifah has a girlfriend right?"
"Whaaaat??...Well I'll never buy another Cover Girl product again in my life"
"Mm Hmm girl, me neither"

"I can't believe those faggots are trying to compare their struggles to ours (Black People)..like they have any idea what's it's like to be discriminated against..{insert ME rattling off a list of parallels\similarities here} then..{insert a cubicle farm of blank stares and some crickets chirping here}

(On the subject of gays and adoption) "I just think that it's confusing for the children" umm really??..this comment came from an admitted home-wrecker with a million kids by 32,000 different baby-daddies. Confusing indeed.

Yesterday they were in a huddled whisper-fest about Obama saying (what they thought they heard him say) "was gonna overturn this whole gay marriage thing" and I heard one of them say: " OH HELL NAW BUDDY...we'll write a buncha damn letters!!"
It took everything in me not to tell them where to stuff their letters.

When me and my more tolerant co-workers talk about gay rights, there's this one lady who looks like she may actually vomit...sometimes I just wanna turn around and ask her: Is it really that fuckin bad????? I guess so, for her at least.

They have told me that I'm gay-friendly because of "That damn Internet"..um, ok

Oh, and they think that Flu Shots are the devil..wow, you just can't make this shit up...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Biggest Loser Bra Top and Shorts - The Newest Trend In Humiliation-Wear

*sigh*..I usually don't watch this show because..because better stuff is on in it's time slot...but I'm REALLY not gonna watch it anymore...are they SERIOUS with these bra tops and shorts???
NBC Producers, Why can't you let them wear the cute lil t-shirts you gave them earlier in the show???

I mean, I'm admittedly "kinda fat"..but I wouldn't be caught fuckin' dead in one of these bra tops..not even at home...by myself...on laundry day...during the Apocalypse.

Much like Dolly Parton's character in Steel Magnolias - "I haven't left the house without lycra on these thighs (and gut) since I was fourteen"

I feel bad having to burden your poor eyes with the task of having to look at my back-fat rolls...I'm a giver, I guess.

My co-workers on the other hand, just don't seem to give two fucks about their hanging flesh and stretch marks...I can't tell you how many times I've had to do a double take in the break room thinking: Did I just see a 400 pound broad in a TUBE TOP??!!

Yeah..I'm kind of a self hater if you haven't guessed it already.



She obviously just caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror....



YES!! One more week DONE..'wonder what they'll have us wearing NEXT week...



*shaking my head*..poor things



Friday, September 18, 2009

Glee Whore

EEEEK!..did ya see Mercedes bust a window??..lololol, oh, been there before...AHEM!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0cJ2ZEGH2E

(I'm at work and Youtube is blocked so I can't embed the vid here..fuckers)

ok..I'll post the follwing embed code..but I can't see it..so it could be a video of someone stomping on kittens and I wouldn't know....

Thursday, September 10, 2009

I HEART GLEE



















And I am not ashamed..well, maybe a little.

This show brings back memories of my freshman year in high school. I wanted to be in "Show Choir" SO FUCKIN' BAD!!!!!
That Mercedes girl was me..on the inside..and kinda on the outside, my hairlooks like that now.

But I was shy..and a nerd..and tried out once...AND DIDN'T MAKE IT...waaahhhhh!

My husband gives me "the look" when I sing along to all the songs..He asks, with a look of disgust: "How the hell do you know the words to THAT song?"...because I'm a geek, that's why...and showtunes are fun..asshole.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Man-Candy Of The Week: Jensen Ackles

He's officially on the list of "White Dudes That Could Get It" ... hell, these days, who isn't?

He's on my fave show Supernatural on the CW network..Season Premier Sept 10th 9 pm

Yeah, the other guy is ok, but he doesn't have that "slam you up against a wall and love you down" quality that Jensen has (God, I am SUCH a whore)

And I hear that he's from Texas...and everything is bigger in Texas ....right?..I'm just sayin'...

I call that last pic: "You want me..don't you? Look at these other busters..even THEY want me!"
And yum.....







Wednesday, August 05, 2009

RUDE PEOPLE AT THE RedBox and The New Release DVD Rentals..HURRY THE HELL UP..pfftf

OPEN LETTER TO THAT BROAD IN FRONT OF ME AT THE DOLLAR DVD RENTAL MACHINE YESTERDAY:

Bitch, I swear if you look at the synopsis of ONE MORE fucking movie, I will kill you.

PICK ONE!!
PUT IT IN THE FUCKING CART!!
SLIDE YOUR DAMN CARD!!
GET YOUR FUCKING MOVIE!!
AND GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY!!

Sincerely, That Bitch That Was Behind You..the one that had been at work for TEN hours and just wanted to return her damn movies before 7pm so that she would not be charged for another day.

She even continued to lallygag even after he daughter said "Mom, people are waiting"....would it be wrong if I slapped the taste out of her mouth?..probably, but it would feel so damn good.

I promise you, I waited at least 1o minutes behind her and because of her, I missed the cut off and had to pay for another day....

AAAArrrugggh!

I HATE people that act like they are the only people on earth when they can CLEARLY see that others are behind them..patiently waiting for a dumb ass to hurry up.

It's like people at the left turn signal..my pet fucking peeve...who, even though THE LIGHT IS THEIRS, turn the corner at 0.3 miles an hour...oh, that one KILLS me...are you afraid that you'll flip the car over if you go too fast or something???

Let's recap..please take notes

Linka72's Rules for the DVD machine:

1. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT BEFORE YOU GET THERE
2. HAVE YOUR DAMN DEBIT CARD READY
3. PICK A DAMN MOVIE REALLY QUICKLY
4. GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY
5. DON'T LET YOUR FREAKIN KIDS NEAR THE MACHINE (Their little brains are not advanced enough to be able to make these kinds of decisions quickly..they eat boogers for god's sake)

*stepping down from soapbox...taking a Valium...watching a movie*

Monday, August 03, 2009

Man-Candy Of The Week: Mehcad Brooks

I know, I haven't posted since the 60's but I have a good excuse.....

His name is Mehcad Brooks and he's on True Blood..(The best show in the world) and I would drink his bath water...really.

*sigh*
Damn, he's yummy...






Saturday, July 18, 2009

Ok Fine..My Last Post About IMVU..maybe



It seems that at least ONE of my readers and I'm sure about 80% of my co-workers are "sick and damn tired" of me talking about IMVU.

*sigh*

I've been hearing that "I've changed" since getting my avatar..that I've "come out of my shell" or that I'm "starting to blur the line between reality and the virtual world"

Umm, I disagree.

I've said this somewhere before: I've been a 'ho since the early 90's..I just happen to have a way to dress her up in cute lil virtual clothes now.

You know how YOU think that something is so much fun that you want others to experience it, But when you show them the coolness they give you the blank stare and you hear crickets?

Yeah, I'm getting that feeling right about now...

A few of my older co-workers are sure that IMVU is the Devil...and so's the "interwebs"..I just laugh at them on the inside while nodding and smiling on the outside.
There are some really good people out there behind these "Devil Avatars"..and I've made some good friends...who cares if I've never actually seen them in person and sometimes I only know them by their screen name..doesn't seem strange to me..lol

Hey ladies!! - You know that guy I'm married to??...The one you broads LOVE SO MUCH?? Yeah, well I met him on the INTERNET!!

GASP..WHEEZE!!* Oh clutch the pearls Lula Mae!!!

Ok..I'm sounding like a brat.. 'cuz deep down inside, I AM ONE..and a rebel too.

So I'll probably add maybe just one or two more IMVU posts..yeah..that.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Myrtle Beach SC Can Go Straight To Hell

*sigh*

It was our 2nd wedding anniversary on Tuesday..yeah, we were one of the millions who got caught up in the whole "7/7/07" thing...

Since we never really went on a honeymoon OR a 1st anniversary trip, so we figured we'd just find somewhere to go..like his parent's house..cuz we're the jet-set type, you know.

So after a fun night at his parent's house (really, it was), we pointed the car towards Myrtle Beach and got going....it was a pretty boring drive..lots of peach stands.

Our "Ponder This" car-question was:

How do we know that YOUR peaches are the best??...Is there a Zagat Survey for Trailer Trash fruit stands??

Yeah, that's how we entertain ourselves on road trips.

We kept seeing these obnoxious Welcome Centers so we decided to stop..oh lord why????
Well for ONE - they had free popcorn dammit! and for TWO..we didn't exactly have a hotel room for the night and they claimed to have discounts..we fuckin LOVE discounts.

One rep-girl-person claimed that all their hotels were booked so we turned our attention to the 50 foot "alligator" in this cheesy glass case...(yay for touristy shit!) then this other guy behind the counter starts feeding us this bullshit about a $10 a night room..{Insert blazing red flag here}
We had time to spare so we listened to his lil pitch..watch a 90 minute "preview" of our fabulous resort..blahh blah..get your money back for the room IN CASH...blah blah blah...right on the beach...bliggity blah.."city view" room (?)....

So we signed up, waited for him to "set up" our room on his girly white cell phone and drove another 45 minutes to the beach....

Myrtle Beach is like one big "parking lot" carnival...and everybody looks like a carnie..and not in a good way.

We pulled up to the hotel...and ONE HOUR LATER we got our room keys..pfft, bullshit.

For some reason I turned a blind eye and nose to:

The old, dark, dirty front lobby
The 6 million people crowded into it
That smell
The front desk person saying "You'll be in room 211"

because I was trying to be a good sport..and all romanticalish.

The nicest little bellhop dude helped us to our crack den room, (seems my husband the chatterbox had already found out his life story while I tried to check in).

I was pretty much traumatized from this point on so I'll summarize:

2 beds..twin beds..the smell of desperation and bad decisions..dirty windows..shitty bar area..brokenish elevator..filthy ass beach covered in trash and cigarette butts...OUR VIEW FROM THE ROOM:








If you look closely, you can see the faint outline of a crack pipe and (yay) panties..how nice!

Then if that wasn't enough, the nexy day, those timeshare fuckers tried to claim that since my husband didn't have his driver's license, they couldn't:

1. Show us their funky little stank ass timeshare condo

2. Refund our $80

Ummm...so after I flipped the fucking front desk over...they showed us the condo - there were TWO to choose from - Too Fucking Expensive and WAY Too Fucking Expensive..eeek!:







Look at this view, no crackpipes or panties!!

Oh! and those assholes gave us ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS back..mm hmm, that's what I thought.

Oh! and the name of this slum village?? West.gate Projects Resorts..ya think that lil dot will keep me from getting sued? Probaly not..fuck 'em.

Oh! and it rained like the days of Noah's Ark the entire way home...mmm, good times

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Please Gouge His Eyes Out...

Belly wants to "friend" me on Facebook......

*gag*...*dry heave*....*not so dry heave*

And the funniest part is his profile pic...fucking priceless...he is sitting at a desk showing ALL 437 OF HIS TEETH...I howled for 20 minutes over his ridiculous face..and those Man-Tittays need a D cup from Vickie's Secret IMMEEDJUTTLEE.

Do you think the FBI would take me seriously if I asked to be placed in the Witness Protection Program over this??

Hmm..I guess not.

OH!!..I forgot to tell you he had the nerve to come back into town the other week...I was wondering why the office floor was shaking....and here comes this pork sausage bounding down the aisle towards me with the Velveeta Super Cheese grin on his face.

I hope he didn't catch the panicked look on my face.

Thank God I was on my way out the door....but he still tried to stall by sidling up next to me and giving me his best Mack Daddy vibe voice - "So hey, how you been doooin?"

It took everything in me not to kick him in the nuts and take off running...but two of his brood were with him and those lil bitches looked tough.

From what the young kids tell me, if I ignore it, he won't know...but it leaves the door open for him to request me AGAIN...*sigh*
But then some other young kids say that if you just let it sit out there, the whole "Again" thing isn't possible..YAY


Thursday, July 02, 2009

Sexy Cabinets and Haawt AC..Yeah Right

Well I decided to post something here today..cuz I'm bored and I knew you were just DYING to find out what happened with the cabinets..oh, and the AC went out again...yeah, good times.

Before...



After...



Before...



After...



Before...



After...



Yeah, look at that fuckin mess..even after he "cleaned up" there were still little pieces of RAZOR sharp metal all over foyer's "wood" floor..yay!

Oh, and did I mention that during this 6 hour install - he took at least 30 breaks?

One of his smoke breaks was RIGHT after I smelled NATURAL GAS in the hallway {Insert me bracing my body for the explosion} ...as if I could actually survive because of such bracing.

Anyway..it took my landlady THREE FUCKING DAYS to get this fixed IN 90 FUCKING DEGREE WEATHER..which of course made it feel like 60000 degrees in our house..double yay!
She was "price shopping" for the furnace/ac unit during this time..while we melted...I'm not happy.

Sad part is that the new unit is as quiet as a god damned jet engine..how relaxing...but it's freezing in here now..super fuckin triple dog dare yay!

So all is well..for now...knock on wood.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Man Candy Of The Week - Jason Michael Carroll

OMG...(what am I - 12 years old??)

Have ya seen this fine hunk of countryness before??



Well it seems that he's an upcoming country star..and he's yummy..please oggle him some more




I've oficially added him to the "White Guys That Could Get It" list..and that list is pretty damn long..apparently I'm a whore...but strangely not ashamed.

Here's what he sounds like..SO not what he looks like.


Let Me Go - Jason Michael Carroll







Is it weird that I wanna braid his hair and put barettes in it?...yeah, I guess it is.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Bob Vila Has Left The Building...

*sigh*

What next?

The other night I came home to find this:





No, your eyes aren't deceiving you..There's my kitchen's below builder quality upper cabinets..falling down like a drunk teenager.

I'm pretty sure the only thing holding them there is that vent soffit and a little fairy dust.


So imagine me screaming and crying about "all my lovely glassware" while my husband just about shattered his spine holding up the cabinet while I unloaded it....then imagine the argument that ensued because I was "moving too damn slow"...ahem, anyway...

Now, they've always hung "kinda weird" since the first day. Here's a pic of how they looked when we moved in 2 years ago:



Yeah..crooked-ish but "sturdy feeling"..so I decided to go ahead and load 'em up with all of this:



Ya think that's why they almost fell down???

*batting eyelashes*



I've been up all night anticipating the sound of the cabinets crashing down..I need to take a pill of some sort..or maybe shock therapy will help.


Friday, May 29, 2009

You Need To Get You One Of Those Big Stomachs...

I went to happy hour last night with some co-workers and let's just say - We don't have a lick of sense.




Somehow we got on the subject of Belly and his sister and how they seem to be quite successful in the "Love Bidness Arena".



For instance, Belly - He's about to get married AGAIN (!!??!!) to a thin woman that "loves him so"....
And his sister has been married TWICE and has a new boyfriend smelling her poonie(double !!??!!)....



Both of them are morbidly obese and have stomachs that could shelter several small children....yeah I know, there's somebody for everybody, hell..me and my man won't win any prizes for spectacular nudity but damn...they could be about 1000 pounds combined!

My poor chronically single co-worker wants to know where she's going wrong and I said: "Well, You need to get you one of those big stomachs..."

We suspect it's Belly's sister's tongue ring..mm hmm..(I bet she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch) I say this because her stomach rests securely on her knees thus covering the "good stuff"..
But for Belly..who knows..maybe he cooks a mean casserole or something.

I wondered aloud how they handle the logistics of such things....



One co-worker offered the following plausible explanation:







The artwork is fucking AMAZING isn't it?....applause applause...applause

This is what happens when the Long Island Ice Teas are flowing freely....

I'm going to go pray for forgiveness now because I laughed myself into a coma over this conversation..I'll most likely be struck down by lightning.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

*Sigh*..I'm A Slacker

I'm neglecting my blog...hell, I'm neglecting YOUR blog....

IMVU is taking up all my time..I actually had another "job" interview...Virtual ass shakers are in high demand I guess.

I've met some really cool people on there and I haven't laughed this hard since the 60's..and I wasn't even born yet.

In other news..I'm working myself to death in real life. My part time job is getting on my last 4 nerves..

Question:

How in the hell, as a grown ass man/woman, do you NOT know what the fuck shoe size you wear???? And this whole "can you feel my toe?" bullshit kills me..what are you?..Five years old???

*taking a deep breath*

I need a long vacation filled with warm breezes and frosty drinks...which, by the way, me and a few IMVU buddies are thinking of planning..it'll be so weird to see what the people hiding behind avatars REALLY look like...the same guy that claims that he looks like this:


Probably looks like this:


mmmmm..sexaaaayyyyy
P.S.
NOTICE TO PEOPLE WHO KNOW MY HUSBAND AND LIKE TO RUN TATTLING TO HIM ABOUT WHAT YOU READ HERE:
There will NOT be any guys on this little get together...unless I decide to pick one up in Vegas..now run tell that!

Friday, April 24, 2009

I Want A Baby..Just So It Can Wear Cute Clothes

*Sigh...*

I was looking at this website called Minihipster.com..and my ovaries hurt.

It's a place that showcases stylish little kids in candid "street" photos..freaking hilarious.



One little girl had a Baby Dior dress on and since I'm nosy, I started to search the web for the prices of such things...needless to say, I can't afford ANY of it...EVER!!

But look at the yumminess of THESE beauties:



THEY COST $325 FUCKING DOLLARS!!! And they are for babies, who can't really walk...or even wipe their own asses.

Now I have an ASSLOAD of shoes..but I have NEVA EVA spent that kind of money on any piece of clothing...and I have the ability to whore myself for cash...what the fuck??

But then there's that part of me that says.."hmmm, but the baby needs them"...I will go ahead and stab that part of me now.


Saturday, April 18, 2009

Internet, Como Se Huh?

Cookie was called into an actual staff meeting last night...on the internet....a staff meeting for a VIRTUAL strip club..umm..wha?

This shit is starting to get a little too real..gah!

Apparently, we need to "step our game up" because someone called the management group slack asses and questioned our "training".

Oh, and it seems that we are too "chatty"..(it is, after all a CHAT room for fuck's sake)...No more inviting friends into the club unless they are paying for dances and drinks...umm, again..wha?

Then we had a long discussion about Customer Service and club marketing/promotion...boooo! I come here to goof off, shake my virtual ass and serve virtual drinks!!

I think Cookie needs to go on a virtual sabbatical again....

And wanna know the kicker??? The motherfuckin' Coup de Grâce??

They didn't even serve virtual coffee OR donuts...aww hell, this is JUST like my real job.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Adventures In IMVU Land - The Recession Edition

Here are few more pics of Cookie..cuz I'm bored like that today. act like you don't see the spacing differences in between some of these pics..Blogger is really aggravating my OCD...

St. Patty's Day Debauchery:





Sadly, Cookie had to get a job...At Soft Touch - The Upscale Gentlemen’s Club..I’m a bartender..um sort of…and "fill in" stripper
HEY!!!, don’t judge me..we’re in a recession people! If I give you a dance (or a drink), you're supposed to "pay" me in credit..or buy me something from my wishlist and I've got my eye on a nice teak wood toilet for my virtual beach house...so come on by and let Cookie shake a lil sumpin' for you..

Also..apparently there IS sex in the champagne room...oh lawd, what have I gotten myself into?



Cookie as “Mei Ling”, The Asian Angel (One of my costumes at Soft Touch)







At Latte’s Poetry Café:

I'm in a band called "I Told You That Bitch Was Crazy"





Drowning my sorrows after work:


Hangin' out with my "virtual man" William..


I know I look nekkedish..it was hot dammit! And besides, we were at the beach...


And after the beach we rob virtual banks from time to time..it helps us bond.


I'm in a Cadillac gang..ha!