Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Black Thursday and Friday..All Late And Shit

And that was just my WalMart cart...

I promise, this was not all for MY baby..but I was tempted.

I have several excuses for why I am just getting around to posting this:

1. I'm lazy as shit
2. My husband's parents don't have internet (*gasp*, clutch the pearls)
3. The town they live in allows me about an 1/8th of a bar cell reception
4. Fuck AT&T and my slow ass iPhone
5. When you have kids, shit just slips your mind
6. I am still slightly traumatized by the whole weekend

There was one point, while I was laying across a pallet of pink baby laptops waiting for 10:00pm Thursday) to strike, that I thought to myself: " are pure fucking cray cray, go back to the house and get some sleep"..but then I imagined just how fucking cute my lil baybeeeeee would look using a pink baby laptop and I prepared for battle.

15 minutes earlier, some shit jumped off over some cheap ass, fake leather ottomans..seriously.

Luckily, I'd made a "friend" while laying across the pallet of cute V-tech baby shit and we devised a plan to use another "friend's" shopping cart to store all of our loot.
She was one buddy down because apparently, it is bad form to threaten a WalMart employee with the phrase "I hope somebody pushes your fat bitch ass down" that small town, it makes the police come to your pallet and escort you out of the handcuffs.

Small town WalMart confusing.

Anywayzzz, 10pm came and people went crazy..but I got my pink baby laptop and I'm still alive. I left the pink baby rocking horse thingie in the men's underwear aisle because after standing in line with it for a while, it was giving me the hairy eyeball and was freaking me out..maybe next year.
Oh, and THIS..could ya just diiiiie??!!?? Maybe she will become Queen of Da Piano like Lady Gaga and take care of me in my old age..or she could just make a whole lot of noise and shame the family name..whatever, it's cute.

Edited to add: I ALSO got up on Friday at 3am like a dumb ass and went shopping in a different small town..but I'm too tired to write about it right now.

And the moral of this story is...


(I was never good at that whole "moral of the story" shit..and I'm sleepy..and the baby making poop noises and it sounds like a blow-out.)

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

My Husband Does Dumb Shit...But He's Cute And His Sperm Works

A couple of nights ago, he'd been out on the front porch relaxing and having a beer (possibly two..who freaking knows).

Later on, I watched him go into the bedroom with a bag of Flipz White Chocolate Pretzels (only a DOLLAR at Kroger! SCORE!!) and a handful of Reese's Cups.
He doesn't eat sweets very much but when he does, he goes BIG.

Cut to an hour later....

The lights are off and the TV is on in the bedroom.
I sat on the bed, all ready to watch Sons Of Anarchy on my favorite seemingly illegal website, when all of a sudden, I hear some award winning snoring coming from his side of the I look...and I notice a white blob on his cheek...'the hell?

A closer look reveals that this jackass has fallen into some sort of sugar coma with a trail of pretzels up his arm, on his face and chest (and all over my favorite sheets) in different stages of meltage...oh and did I mention that there were candy wrappers all over MY pillows??!!
I swear to God, I was SO pissed, I was simultaneously screaming at him and looking for something to stab him with.

And OF COURSE I was "overreacting"....

Him: Why are you yelling and's not like there's chocolate everywhere...
Me: Are you serious right now??

I could tell that he was still asleep..he has a habit of having FULL conversations in his sleep..again, 'The Hell??

Him: Daaaaaamn lady!! Why are you trippin''s just a pretzel or two..go to bed..leave me alone...zzzzzz

I finally got him to wake up and man, was he pissed..he stomped off to the bathroom, pretzels still stuck to him, mumbling shit..then it got silent...he must have seen himself in the mirror...I heard the water running...he got back into bed and whispered some shit about "Good night", and I didn't hear a peep out of his ass for the rest of the night.

Score ONE for me and my righteous indignation..because yes, I keep a mental score of "marriage wins"..because I am mean.

I swear, if he wasn't the father of my child....

Speaking of that 5 months old, she already knows how to manipulate my emotions.
She has learned how to pout and can also smile reaaaal cute when she wants is that freaking possible??

I spent $40 and a fucking hour putting together THIS DAMN THING

The first time she sat in it, she just sat in it..Absolutely petrified.
I spun her around and made all the toys move and she JUST. SAT. THERE.
I figured that maybe it was a little too advanced for a 4 month old...literally too many "bells and whistles".
The next few times went a little better..but not much.
Lately she sits in it and screams bloody murder after a minute or yeah, that was a great, useful purchase.

According to my iPhone and digital camera, I have taken approximately 600 pictures of her and spent at least $300 on clothes for her.

And I am only slightly ashamed of myself.