Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Just Call Me Ugly Betty

I watched Ugly Betty on 10/26 and that bitch stole my costume..I too, am a Butterfly of sorts today..My costume is waaaay cuter (of course)
I got the wings from Torrid/Hot Topic (mine are purple)..son of a bitch...I just noticed they're on sale for $4.00..I paid $14.00 dammit to hell!!!!!

I, like Betty, am THE ONLY MOTHERFUCKER in here with a costume on!! (There's probably a blog about me and my damn costume). Thank god the other departments dressed up. I guess I'll hang with them at lunch..this is JUST like junior high.

A lot of my co-workers won't dress up due to "religious reasons"..oh..more candy for me.

Okay..before I go...

Why did this broad come over to my desk just now and HIT me with my own magic wand..bitch hit me a little TOO hard to be "joking around" as she claimed, she almost knocked my rhinestones off!!.
I ignored her since I was on the phone with a client..crazy heffa.

Monday, October 30, 2006

The Flavor Of Stupid

Did you watch that bullshit, The Flavor Of Love reunion on Sunday night???
It was so "staged" and the editing was so bad that I thought I was watching an infommercial!!!
I kept waiting for the audience to scream out: SET IT.....AND FORGET IT!!!

That being said..I guess it's my fault for getting caught up. I really did cheer for "Deelishis". If I had a body like that (flat stomach, huge ass, tall like an Amazon), I would NEVER work another day in my life!! Everytime I needed rent or a car payment, I'd just bend over and shake "ass-fairy" dust in The Other Half's face..Presto!! Bills Paid.

What??, what is everybody upset about?? Don't act like you haven't "used your feminine ways" to get what you want. You too Orhan..but in a male way, of course..hahahaha
My feminine ways USED to work with my boyfriend..we've been together 8 years..so he's hip to my shit.
Now I just tell him, point blank, what to do..poor us


I absolutely LOVED the part where the host, La La got pissed off when Buckwyld threw a shoe at New York and it almost hit her (La La) in the head. She said "if another shoe comes this way, it's going to be a motherfuckin' problem". I love when bougie girls let their "ghetto" out..it's so hilarious

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Now Was THAT Necessary?? Some Rich People Suck.

On the weekends, I sometimes work a part-time retail job in a very ritzy frou frou mall.
I love this job because I get a 40% discount on everything and I get free shoes 4 times a year (Woo Hoo!!).

I've noticed a pattern however that I just don't "get". Whenever an older, White gentlemen comes up to the counter to pay for his items, I ring it all up, give him total and HE THROWS/FLINGS his credit card or money across the fucking counter!!! Now don't tell me I'm being hyper-sensitive, 'cause at one point I told myself the same thing so I watched this phenonenon VERY closely for a whole month...98 out of 100 or so older, white gentlemen THREW their damn credit cards or money at me...
So. Fucking. Rude.
Also, they people that shop there are so nasty to us sometimes, I guess they're used to having servants or something. I've taken to giving it like I get it, if you throw shit at me, I'm throwing it back at you. This always gets the "dirty look" reaction and it makes me laugh..ahahahahaha

There is one exception though: Every few weeks this GOE-JUS couple comes in and buys about $2000 worth of work-out clothes and they have NEVER been nasty to any of us. They always say please and thank you..like anyone with "home training" would. I want them to adopt me..would that be weird?

Probably so.

On a side note..Why do the mannequins have to have erect nipples???? I always feel dirty when I have to change their shirts..eww

Friday, October 27, 2006

Beyonce Is Brilliant..did I just type that out loud??

I have a new favorite song:

Title: Irreplaceable

The Chorus

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact he'll be here in a minute

This song is fucking hilarious....

Here's some more lyrics:

To the left
To the left
To the left
Everything you own in the box to the left
In the closet that's my stuff - Yes
If I bought it ni**a please don't touch
And keep talking that mess, that's fine
But could you walk and talk at the same time

I'm going to file this under:

Just in case The Other Half gets out of pocket.

I Wonder....

Belly's not here today to eyeball my screen..WOO fucking HOOO!!

Yesterday after I confronted him, he emphatically claimed that he had not been spying on me..yeah right.
He tried to be nice to me for the rest of the day, made my skin crawl. He insisted that I look directly at him for some bullshit he was talkin about..I can't even recall what bullshit it was. As I was forcing myself to look at him, all I could think of was what kind of germs and sickness is caught up in that overgrown beard of his..eww
I can't get over his wide-eyed glare either..it doesn't help that his thick ass glasses are round. I guess he's going for a round theme overall: Round belly, fat, round bald head, big round eyes..etc, etc

Anyway, I wonder if he actually DID see the blog. My co-worker said that if he did, we would have known by now since I say "really hateful" things about him according to her. She of course laughs OUT LOUD at these "really hateful" things though.
I keep imagining that he's hiding his anger until a later date. One day I told him that he seemed like the type that would flip the fuck out and shoot everybody in the office with a sniper rifle.
He got all flustered and mad like I insulted him (??) He claimed that with his home life, he could "take" anything.
I'll admit, his home life IS pretty fucked up. His wife (who's semi retarded according to him) refuses to take care of their 1400 kids and steals money and credit card numbers from him while he's sleeping. (She's obviously not THAT retarded) He continues to stay "for the kids sake"..ok..whatever ya big dummy.
More on his wife later..there's too much to tell for one post.

There was a food day today..thank god he wasn't here..the table would have been cleared!! Atkins Diet, My ASS!!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Keep the Party Goin'

Okay, maybe I dodged a big fat bullet. (When I first wrote this, that brilliant pun was not intended)
I confronted Belly about how he knew I had a blog and he said:
"I just kinda saw it on your screen and I wanted to try and help you out"
He's a liar and a spy..wanna know HOW I know?? Well when I DO have Blogger open, It's in a really small box at the far bottom of my screen about 3 inches wide!!
I told him that while I appreciated his "concern", I would rather that he NOT look at my screen or nose around in my area. I should have added: "And stop staring at my tits" but I didn't.

Last night I attempted to create a new blog but Blogger went down for like an hour..shit shit shit!!
I think it was a sign.

Sorry I panicked.....

Wednesday, October 25, 2006


"You know who" was invading the privacy of my cubicle again today and he caught me Blogging. I'm not sure how long he had been eyeballin' my screen or exactly what he saw but He had the nerve to chastise me and tell me about our company's "blogging" code of conduct policy!! Excuse me??
He then went on to tell me a story of how, in his previous role in the company, he had to compile info on someone who was blogging and then how he reported all of it to the person's manager..I guess they were fired because of his "investigation". I didn't bother to listen to the rest of the story, I was deaf from pissivity.

I was considering deleting this blog and creating another one..under a different name..in a different language.. I even emailed some of my commenters and told them "It was over"
BUT part of me says:
And besides that, I only speak english..and not very well most times.
But the other part of me doesn't trust his sneaky ass (yes, if you are reading this, I mean YOU Thickums BigButt). He might run and tell management that I was mean to and had been saying mean things about him. I do still need a job, unfortunately.

As I'm typing this (from home) my rebellious side is telling him to mind his own business and that if he thinks he can "screw" me, I can "screw" him worse.
I've calmed down a little since I got home.

The reality that he would find my blog has always been in the back of my mind. I never really answered my own question of: What if someone found out that you blogged about them..and they weren't happy??


If that bastard Belly calls ONE MORE PERSON "Hey"..I'm going to kick his ass.

The last time I checked my birth certificate, My mother did not name me "Hey" or for that matter, "Hey You".
I sat and watched him say Hey to my co-worker 4 times in a row. It was obvious my co-worker was ignoring his ass like I do...yaaay co-worker!!

And another thing..stop sucking..the drink is EMPTY..what are you..five years old?????

He annoyed a whole new cube mate today. We were all sitting there..minding our own business when all of a sudden we hear a high pitched whistle as if Belly was saying "wow"..a few seconds go by and he does it again..few more seconds..MORE whistling followed by a "Whoo!!".
Finally the cube mate was FORCED to take the bait:

Cube Mate: OK!! WHAT are you whistling at!!??!!
Belly: Oh I was looking at this website and..blah blah blah..fucking blah blah

I'm so glad that it's not JUST me that he irks.

He felt the need to oggle my food again...As soon as I sat down he says:
Hmmmmm, what's for lunch???? I mumbled something and he made this whimpering sound..(??) My lunch must have looked SOOO good because He said that he was going to cheat on his diet this weekend....glad I could help.

No More Vodka On Weekdays

A friend of The Other Half's invited us to a party last night...I was sleepy and hungry but I wanted to spend time with the boyfriend so I put on my best pointy toed boots...

His friend is the CEO of Gilyard Clothing. The party was at The Warren City Club - oh my jesus, that place is fabulous. It's a private club with a NY loft feel..very sexy.
There was a nice mix of people there, Hip Hop, Neo Soul, Business suit types..etc

The party was sponsered by Belvedere Vodka so:
The DRINKS WERE FREE!! and SO WAS THE FOOD!! Always a recipe for a good time in my book.

I met the CEO's assistant, who The Other Half talks about all the time..because of her, he gets free clothes..a winner in his book. He acts like he has a crush on her or something, and once I met her, hell, I think even I have a damn crush on her. She really cool people so I must kill her. But wait, she thought my weave was my real hair..so she can live a little longer.

And the DJ even had the nerve to play some of my favorite songs:

Everything She Wants - George Michael (Damn, I used to love him. Back before he was turning tricks for truckers)
Holiday - Madonna (I swear, I'm walking down the aisle to this)
Anything - SWV (Ok, I changed my mind, THIS is the song I'm walking down the aisle to..only the remix though - My mom would probably slap my skin off)

So we danced and drank the night away..but we both felt it in the morning dammit..we're old and tired...it's sad

Damn Blogger

Damn Blogger lost my last post...don't worry, it wasn't about much except:

Belly tried to "discreetly" point that fucking thing at me again, I gave him a mean, shitty look and he sat his fat ass down.
A couple of minutes after that, his Blackberry rang..the ringtone was one of the 700 songs he theifed from my home computer when he tried to "fix" it once. He ended up fucking it up with a bootleg version of Windows XP. Me and The Other Half had to spend over $200 buying new software AND a hard drive. Thanks, Belly.....bastard!

Picture this:

Because of Belly's gut, the back of his chair has to be set back so far that it looks like he's laying down..nice Barcalounger big boy..hahahahaha
Whenever he's gone and people come by to chat with me, they make the mistake of pulling his chair up...they ALWAYS have this "WTF" look on their faces..it's heeeelarious, at least to me.

Friday, October 20, 2006

The Spy Who Loved Me..Yekk..Gag

Ok, yesterday, Belly was standing around in the middle of the walkway..man-giggling and shootin the shit. (aka - getting on EVERYBODY'S nerves).
He had his raggedy little Blackberry and he wanted to take a picture of my female cube mate..she immediately covered her face and screamed NOOO!!! Me and the others laughed and I made jokes about her being on the run, America's Most Wanted etc, etc..ha ha ho ho..joke over.

Belly continued to hover over her desk while she tried to get her work done. He was making his usual lame ass attempt to make conversation with her, "playing" with his Crackberry while he chatted.
I was on the phone during this exchange, but out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that he was OBVIOUSLY pointing that fucking thing at me, but was trying to make it look like he was still "playing" with it and "chatting" with my co-worker.


Belly was out of the office today (thank ya Jesus). Near the end of our shift me and the others started our usual Friday Bullshit Hour. One of my co-workers was trying to make me pee myself by imitating Belly's man-giggle and re-enacting Belly eating a sub sandwich like a cartoon character.. Fucking HEElarious!!
Somehow we got on the subject of Blackberry PDA's and my aforementioned co-worker said that he showed her either a picture or video shot of my desk area while he was showing her pics of her that he took that day(without her fucking permission mind you). Everybody said a collective *HUH??* and wondered what the fuck he was doing taking video/pics of us. My co-worker said he told her:
"I'm just trying to figure out some of the settings [insert man-giggle here]


1. You are the damn ubergeek who knows every fucking thing on the planet, ESPECIALLY electronic shit
2. You JUST showed me 7000 boring pictures from your vacation the other day
3. TWO WEEKS AGO you basically forced me to watch a video of your cheeseball wife dancing in a field on your little device (let me tell you..it was an experience to say the least)
4. Speaking of your vacation, you claimed to have downloaded a movie into your Crackberry and watched it on the plane (anybody who can grasp downloading and converting file types and shit ALREADY knows the settings of a PDA)

We all came to the conclusion that this weird fuck has been videotaping us and we never knew it.
Matter of fact..he was looming over my cube wall with that thing earlier in the day.
My stomach churns at the thought of him having me and my lovelies on video.

I told The Other Half about it and instead of promising to kick his ass, he pokes fun by saying: "Yeah, just think, we may see you on the internet with your head photoshopped onto a nekked body doing horse and sheep porn" (hardy har har har asscrack)

You wait 'till I see his big ass on Monday. I should spin his chair around real fast..his legs are so short he couldn't stop it!!! Unfortunately his belly might hit the edge of the desk and slice his nasty gut open..thus making a mess that we'd probably have to clean up.

Random Crap

I wonder, are there Blind golfers? Blind artists?
I was watching a show where there was a blind interior decorator. Seemed weird to me too.

Every time I think about food, I get nauseous. Maybe it's because of Belly...as I mentioned yesterday, he cheated on his diet..I don't think he was ever actually on a diet, but he claims he is on Atkins.
After he ate 6300 slices of pizza, he hovered around the food table and ate half of a cake...ok, it was a small cake but still...is full fat, full sugar chocolate cake on Atkins?? I looked it up and here's a nasty sounding version of one.
I took a page from his Food Porn handbook and looked over the cube wall while he was eating..he was in a cake trance..it was very interesting, gross and sad, but interesting.

I turned around to talk to a co-worker and soon after, I heard his high pitched snot-whistle paired with a "smacking" noise..he decided to stand up and eat over my cube wall..sit your fat ass down and stop dropping crumbs on my floor!!!!
My left ear ACTUALLY started to hurt. The frequency of his nose causes me pain..I'm serious, it does.

Anyway, back to my nausea - Maybe if I keep these feelings going, I could lose some weight..Don't get me wrong, I never actually vomit (vomiting is my pet peeve) I just feel like I want to.
Partially frozen cherry Jello is my food of choice..for the moment. By moment I mean RIGHT this moment, after lunch.
It will probably turn to partially frozen pudding this weekend. It's probably just the sugar.
Would this be considered an eating disorder??? Who knows...

Thursday, October 19, 2006

The Cornball Has Returned

He is soooo fucking corny.....

He's back from a week's vacation..it was nice while it lasted...I wonder if he needed the seatbelt extender on the plane..But I digress,

Today we had pizza..Belly was on the phone AND eating so I questioned him, basically asking if he was sure they could understand him. So, while working on his second plate and his fifth slice, he sings: (in the tune of Purple Haze)
'Scuse me while I kill this pie!!
He was so damn proud of himself for that one..stupid ass giggled SO hard, I thought his pizza would come back up...eww, he'd probably eat it again.

Yes, I know what you're thinking...Isn't Belly on ATKINS?????? He claims that since he paid for it, he should be able to cheat on his diet.
I think if we weren't monitoring it, he would have eaten a whole pizza..oh wait, that's not possible, since he claims he can't eat a whole chicken.

I can imagine on his vacation that he stuck to his guns, only eating berries and lettuce wedge salads "Low Fat Dressing on the side please". What the hell ever!!
Oh, the comedy.....

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Horrible Nightmares

My co-worker says that from time to time she has these really weird dreams about some of our REALLY old and REALLY gross male co-workers. In these dreams she's doing all sorts of freaky, sex things that she would, in a real world, vomit over.

For the past two days, I've been having completely different, but equally as disgusting dreams about Belly??!!!?? Yeah, I know, I need some sort of shock therapy to get the images out of my head.

Dream #1:
In the first dream, we all had beds attached to out desk (??) and we lived at work. In the dream, I awakened to a naked, fat and hairy Belly laying next to me making grunting noises (The grunting was actually my Other Half's sleep apnea). I IMMEDIATELY kicked the shit out of him (Belly) and alerted my sleeping co-workers. They all were under the impression that I invited him into my cube/bed because his underwear were in a box at the end of the cubicle...what kind of crack was I using before I went to sleep?
Dream #2:
In this dream, there was still the fat, naked, hairy belly theme but this time me and two other female co-workers were somehow spending the night at his house. All of his 4000 children were there and one of them was named Tornado (?). I woke up in the dream with him next to me, trying to snuggle up close (gag, hack). I kicked him again and noticed my co-worker was in a bathing suit but she was going to take a shower.
Then my co-worker wanted me to see the cabinets where she tried to hide candy and snacks from Belly's children. In real life, one of his kids is morbidly obese..well HE said they went to the doctor one day and his 10 year old weighed 160 pounds!!! I know grown women (myself NOT included) that don't weigh 160 pounds!!
Anywho, back to the dream...
Belly kept man- giggling and running around the house, naked, covering himself like a woman, telling the kids not to tell their mom...again, a crack pipe must have been on my nightstand before I went to sleep.

I told my co-workers about the dreams and they keep clownin' me saying that I must want him..uh..no..I would rather stick hot razor blades in my cooch.

From Dreammoods.com:

To dream that you are naked, denotes the fear of being found out and exposed about your activities and misjudgment.
To dream that you suddenly discover your nudity and are trying to cover up, signifies your vulnerability to a situation.
To see a naked person in your dream and you are disgusted by it, signifies some anxiety about discovering the naked truth about that person or situation. It may also foretell of an illicit love affairs, loss of prestige and scandalous activities. (Ewww) On the other hand, if you do not have any problem with another's nudity, then it implies that you see through people and accept them for who and what they are.

Ok..I think

Monday, October 16, 2006

Jamaicans Are Fun..And High

I was going to name this post Jamaican' Me Crazy..But it seemed like something cheesy Belly would say so I changed my mind.

I worked at one on my 1400 jobs on Friday. I'm a cashier at a night club sometimes..whenever they feel like it..slackers.
Usually my night would consist of:
Sitting around lookin' cute
Yelling at drunk people
Letting the owner bring me numerous drinks (He obviously doesn't care about accuracy)
Getting paid for being a slack ass - Just like my day job

Well this particular evening, the promoter already had a "cashier" (aka some drunk dude) so I basically assisted them.
Somehow they talked me in to running in and out of the booth giving people backstage passes..look dammit, I had high heeled boots on and was not prepared for all that shit. One of the promoters kept coming into the VERY small booth, talking real close to my face..I was thinking to myself: If this bastard spits on me ONE MORE time..I'm kicking his ass. He smelled like a combination of jamaican beef patties and ass crack.
Another guy came in but he smelled and looked MUCH better than his gross friend. He was speaking some sort of patois that pretty much lulled me to sleep.
I not sure what the hell he was saying, shit, he could have been telling me he wanted me to do naked back flips off his motel ceiling fan..but it sounded good either way and he said I was beautiful...awww..he probably just wanted some ass.

The Other Half decided he wanted to come by so I made him bring me my trusty Nike's. Once he got there, I regretted inviting him. He was ALREADY drunk and he was talking so fucking loud, people were staring. He kept asking for a kiss..we NEVER kiss in public.
He then took the liberty to invite a million friends and insisted that I let them in....begging me in his loud, drunk person voice...I swear, if I didn't love him....

Anyway, the show was for Buju Banton, he's like the Michael Jackson of Reggae music (before Michael got all weird). I wandered my way into the club (under the guise of "getting something for the manager") and waited till he performed..when he stepped on stage it was like Jesus himself showed up..the Jamaicans went crazy..there was even a guy there waving a Jamaican flag (how the hell did he get in here with a fucking flag??).
I'm not sure if you're aware but they like to light their lighters to show support..not the usual Motley Crue - power ballad lighter flame...more like an INFERNO FROM HADES type of flame.
Even though my weave is made from human hair, I decided it wasn't exactly a good idea to be around all that fire, let alone all the ganja weed in the air.
I told y'all before that I've never smoked anything before and I STILL have a headache from the contact high.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Keep Your Hams To Yourself

Belly keeps trying to find ways to touch me...I almost vomited today...
So far he got the following "feels" in:

1. He asked to use my Sharpie..twice. The first time, I handed it to him and he found a way to touch my hand..think of how long a damn Sharpie is..eww
He handed it back to me after a couple of minutes..tried to touch me again..but my cat-like reflexes foiled his advances.
Not so lucky the second time though..were. is. my. anti. bacterial. hand. gel?????
His sausage-ass fingers are ALWAYS ashy..get some lotion for shit's sake!

2. He ABSOLUTELY NEEDED me to check out a dvd that he pirated (he actually said "Arrrg..Me Maties" when he did it..no, really, he did) to see if it worked on my computer. He handed it to me all gingerly and gay-like and I just knew he was gonna try some shit so I grabbed the disc and got my fingerprints ALL OVER IT..haha At least he didn't touch me, but damn it all if on the disc's way back over to him, that fucker touched me again..I don't feel so good...I'm woozy from the nausea of it all...wait. maybe that's his breath

He asked to for some tape...I think after all these horrible incidents, I have learned. So I set it on top of the cube wall..mwhahahahaha When he was done, he tried to place it back on my desk..his arms are really short and his stomach is really big so I heard an AUDIBLE grunt..it was the funniest shit (besides his chicken song) that I have heard all day.

Let's talk more about his breath..it smells like sulphur and ass crack..is that from a bad tooth or something..(dry heave)
I need a root canal and I'm pretty damn sure MY breath doesn't smell like that.
He eats raw onions ALL day EVERY day..somebody help me

Look Here, Chicken Boy

Belly ate chicken again today..what a surprise
He ate it in the breakroom so I'm not sure it he ate A WHOLE CHICKEN like he claimed he couldn't!
I should have went in there, leaned all my lusciousness on the lunch table and watched him inhale his chicken. Sadly, he would probably love it..eww

He skipped his big ass back to his cube and said:
Belly: "Damn, that was good"
I ignored him
He said it AGAIN
So this time I asked what he meant and he said some shit about some chicken, then, all of a fucking sudden he starts with the following bullshit...
(singing and man-giggling)
Rotis eris eris ...eris (I guess this was the remix)
erissss EREEEEEEE!!!

What the fuck is going on??? It was all I could do, not to kick him in his sternum. Of course I would have to figure out a way to get my leg over his belly/shield...."You are a crafty opponent GrassHoppa"

After the "concert" was over, I just stared straight ahead at my monitor, in shock/fear,..then he finally sat down..thank you Jesus

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Yeah, Sure

In another attempt to make conversation, Belly kept touting the virtues of his rotisserie chicken lunch. I humored him a little and somehow we got into a discussion about the differences between the seasoning they use on the chicken wings as opposed to what they use on the whole chicken. He made a freudian slip and said " I have the whole chicken one, I mean, I have the pieces right now" (I'm not into food porn, so I didn't look)

Belly then had the NERVE to say:
"I couldn't eat a whole chicken"

He can't be fucking serious...

Did ya see my previous post about his lunch time chicken fest?????

Oh and then someone made a comment about it smelling good and he says: "Well I didn't get this way by eating junk!! [insert his stupid man-giggle here]

Yeah Right Belly, you got that fat by eating lots and lots of healthy vegetables and whole grains...I swear to god!!

Go Ahead And Get Mad Now

Reader Discretion Advised

You MIGHT be offended if you're a:

stay at home mom with an SUV blocking rush hour traffic
rich bitch/kept woman with an SUV blocking rush hour traffic
soccer mom with an SUV blocking rush hour traffic

I swear if I see one more broad in an SUV with a fucking Nike TENNIS HAT on..I'm going to kick her to sleep.
I was trapped in traffic hell behind one of these cows today..just mozeein' along without a care in the world. I guess she decided to veer off to get her Starbuck's fix before she went to the mall and started to straddle BOTH the right turn lane and the main traffic lane.
I was all prepared to lightly tap her bumper and deploy the PIT maneuver but she swerved just in time..bitch
I let my mighty horn blare and she had the NERVE to give ME a dirty look!! If I didn't have a job that I needed to get to ON DAMN TIME, I would have followed her to Starbucks, waited for the Barista to finish her drink and then I would have knocked it off the counter...[insert evil laugh here]

JUST because I'm mean.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Calling All Greedy Bastards

I was working quietly (can you believe it?) when all of a sudden the floor started to shake..Lo and Behold, it was Belly bounding down the aisle, take-out lunch in hand, cheesy smile on face.

He opened the box and graced us with the stink of said lunch. Had had a 600 piece wing combo - okay maybe it was a 30 piece - all soaked in vinegary nastiness.

A co-worker walked by and made some random comment about his wings and Belly says: Oh I'd rate them a "B", they're not that good

But you know his fat ass then proceeded to EAT THE WHOLE THING including the celery and dressing..I think I heard the crunch of styrofoam, but I could be wrong....

The carnage was so fascinating that people kept walking by "oohing and ahhing".."dang, that's a lot of chicken bones".
He sat there the whole time looking proud..stuffing his face and smiling....eww

The Annoying Co-Worker Report 10/10

Belly has this annoying way of clearing his throat. Imagine someone going "Harruumpph" then ending it with a "Hashummm" every 5 minutes.
It's like his nervous laughter tick and I'm going to choke him out soon.

He has a nicer polo shirt on today but he still looks like a busted can of biscuits. You could probably store a roll of quarters in his belly button...eww, marinate on that one for a minute.

My other annoying co-worker wouldn't shut up about her "good cookin' " today..I've tasted it..it's not that great and her 80's era "slacks" are LITERALLY playing grab ass with her today.
She's gonna get a yeast infection if she keeps wearing those pants.
The fabric is pilled so bad, her pants look like a wooly sweater....Ooo Sexy.

What More Can I Give?

My car is like a spoiled child...

I buy him brake shoes..he won't wear 'em

I feed him all the oil he asked for..he threw it up all over the driveway

Why do I have to start him up TWICE every morning?? All that damn whining.."five more minutes maaaa"

I could liken him to an elderly person..

What the hell is that creaking noise?
And furthermore, what the hell is that smell?

He's also like an abusive husband...

He's left me on the side of the road, crying, SEVERAL times...I still took him back

He somehow finds a way to SUPER heat his leather seats in the smallest amount of sunlight so that I regularly leave about 10 inches of ass skin with him when I get out, that's just mean.

But, he's paid for..and he's still one of the fastest cars on the road (just barely). My brother says I should just "drive it 'till the wheels come off". The wheel actually DID come off, but that's a story for another day.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Monday..You Can Just Go To Hell

You'd think I would go to bed at a decent hour on Sunday night..nope, not me, I LIKE staying up till 1am..watching TLC.

So I'm tired today..with the customary "Monday Attitude".

Belly sulked all morning, I barely got a "good morning" out of him..stupid ass
He perked up later on in the morning..unfortunately..Super Giggle on level 11 talking about Mork and Mindy..doing the stupid "Nanu Nanu" line for 5 full minutes..wayyyy past the "mildly funny" mark.
His infamous Snot Whistle is making my left eye twitch. He was looming over my wall today during his lunch..I ignored his ass and acted like I was REALLY engrossed in my book.
I swear, I'm waiting for the day that a snot remnant finds it way onto my desk..I'll punch him dead in his throat..

I went to a meeting on Sunday at my part-time job, what a waste of gas. They fed us candy, chips and cookies like we were 6 and then gave us hot soda...can a bitch get some ice????..and a damn napkin??
One of my young co-workers was high as a kite the entire time. I should have known by the way he ate SEVEN bags of chips and TEN cookies!!

I've never been high so I wouldn't know...no really, I have NEVER been high on drugs...drinking?? Well, that's another story

Friday, October 06, 2006

I Wish....

Me and my co-workers compiled an "I wish" list today.
It kind of relates to my "What If I Had Super Powers" post..here's what our slack-asses came up with:

I wish it was OK to brandish a firearm in traffic - It would clear up a lot of foolishness

I wish that I didn't HAVE to work..again..ever

I wish I could go Deaf..selectively, so I wouldn't have hear certain shit or people

I wish the manager at Subway would stop playing "slap and tickle" with the bitch behind the counter and make my fucking sandwich...vent much??

I wish I had a flat stomach and a really big ass like that girl on Flavor of Love (I confess, that was mine)

I wish I wasn't a compulsive spender

I wish I was on a dance team in a HBCU marching band, I'll need to request extra fabric

Speaking of "extra fabric", I wish Belly would buy shirts that fit. But when you have 4,000 children, I guess money, like your shirt, is tight

Anywhoo..back to the list

I wish other people could pee FOR you

I wish you could gain and lose weight at will

I wish I lived in a nice house..in a nice neighborhood..for free

I wish people would actually GO when the light turned green

I wish the soldiers could come home..alive..forever

I wish....


Really, Just Shut The Hell Up

Earlier in the week, we had a meeting activity that involved anonymously circling words that best describe your co-workers and handing it in. Sort of a Myers-Briggs type test.
Some of us wanted to "pencil in" a couple of words for certain people but thought better of it.

We were all handed an envelope filled with the sheets of paper from others with the words THEY thought best described us.
When I got mine back, it had the words GOSSIPER, NEGATIVE and MEAN circled. *GASP*, Clutch the Pearls!!! (there was some positive words circled but who really cares about those?)

I laughed, 'cuz it's true. I then compared notes with my co-worker and she had the same shit circled for her..her name in the same 3 year old, chicken-scratch handwriting as my paper.

After the meeting, me and her joked about it, saying things like "I'd like to tell you a story(really loud) BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A GOSSIP!!" or "I DON'T MEAN TO BE MEAN BUT...."

cackling and tee heeing the whole time.

A little later in the afternoon, "low-self esteem" Belly pipes up and says: " I really hate tests like that, I always worry that I may have been "too honest" or said something mean."
Because I'm his honorary Life Coach, I tell him to calm down and get over himself in so many words.

I continued on with my boring day - noticing he was a little quite but didn't really give a shit.

I was off work the day after that tending to The Other Half because he had oral surgery. He got all mad because I ate fried chicken and a scrumptious broccoli dish in front of him...Men are such babies.

Anywhoooo, when I got to work this morning, the co-worker I mentioned above said that the day before, she noticed that Belly was not his usual loud giggling self. She seems to care more than I do so she asked him what was wrong....HE CONFESSED that he circled the words for both of us and was feeling all bad about it. She told him (damn I love her) that she could "give less than a shit" what people said about her because they don't pay her "fucking bills".
She said he sat there the rest of the day all balled up and quiet.

hahahahahahahaha.....mwahhahahahahaha. I'm sorry I missed it...watch him be all weird on Monday and feel the need to "confess" to me. I will try to say the same exact thing she did.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Damn, How'd Ya Get That Way?

Yes, I'm fully aware that it is 1:30am..I'm off work tomorrow so leave me alone...

How is it that 1 person could be ALL AT THE SAME TIME:

1. Fat - (With a postage stamp sized ass) from the back, he looks like a large muffin, that belt is tighter than a muthafucka

2. Knock-Kneed


3. Pigeon Toed -I swear his foot makes a 90 degree turn
Here's an inspiration pic I found on the internet.(No, this isn't Belly, but notice the Wide yet Beady eyes we all know and love)

I always wonder what would happen if he had to say, suddenly take off running.

Oh. The. Comedy.

Another addition to his list of nastiness that should be reported:
I caught him looking at me throughout an entire meeting today. Yechhh!! I kept trying to find ways to not make comments, but he kept 'a starin'......Me and my co-worker always wonder: If you "don't care for larger women", Then why the fuck are you always oggling us??

Piss off jackass!!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Make A Change...PLEASE

Today in the cafeteria, I saw a lady with this EXACT hairdo:

What the hell was she thinking? And it didn't look like the "updated" feather that is half-way cute either. This looked well worn if ya ask me..but ya didn't

She also had an outfit on that was AT LEAST 10 years old..

Is it that hard to change your ways?? I guess I can sort of relate, I had the same braid style for at least 5 years but even I made a change!!

Don't Dish It If You Can't Take It

One day, not long agao, me and my co-worker were talking about a local mall. Belly, as usual, butted in and started to talk abou the Food Court (of course). He was singing the praises of Hovan Roll and how great the rolled sandwiches were. My co-worker had not heard of it before and wanted to know if they had one around here. Belly's fat ass has the NERVE to say:
"Linka72 should know, she would know where to eat"...as if to say that since I'm a so-called "big girl", that I would know the exact location of every sandwich shop in the city...WTF?? My very quiet, very sweet co-worker even jumped in his ass for THAT bullshit statement. Belly tried to "clean it up" by saying he was just joking but soon turned his stupid embarrassed ass around and acted like he was working. He's an admitted fat girl hater...but he's always lookin' at me....asshole

So cut to a couple of weeks later (yesterday). Me and the same co-worker were chit chatting about Quizno's. We were wondering where one was around here..so JUST to be hateful, I blurted out: :Let's ask Belly!! He would know where all the sandwich shops are!!! [Insert cackling co-workers here].
Belly says: Well there one at blah blah blah
Me: Hmm, you sound a little irritated, did I say something to make ya mad? (more cackling and sniggling)
Belly: No, I'm not mad, I was smiling wasn't I?
The funny part was the strained "I'm smiling but I hate you" look that he had on his face..priceless

We all walked off content in the knowledge that he was pissed AND embarassed..haahahahaha being mean is fun.

Speaking of assholes, Belly is such a perv.
I was talking to a caller and she had the unfortunate last name of Beaver..(poor thing). He chimes in with: "It's okay as long as it's not hairy"

......I'll give you a moment to marinate on that stupid shit..............WTF???!!!??? I just looked at his stupid, overgrown, tight shirt, snot whistlin' ass and rolled my eyes.

First of all..shut the hell up Belly...second of all, I always did get a "molester" vibe from him.
I don't know about you guys, but if a man likes a hairless "cooter brown", he's a pervert...think about it..little girls have hairless cooters..why do you want a grown woman to be that way??..ewww

That'll be one more thing to add to my letter to HR.

I Am So Fine

Phrase of The Day:

I Am So Fine

Ok, I know what you're saying: That conceited bitch thinks she's THE SHIT.

Well, you're right. My philosophy is: If YOU don't think you're THE SHIT, then no one else will.

I also think that everybody should have a Theme Song like on Ally McBeal. Mine would be Sista Big Bones by Anthony Hamilton 'cuz I "look like a plate of neckbones"(eww, maybe not)
or maybe Brick House by The Commodores, 'cuz "I'm mighty mighty just lettin' it all hang out"

Monday, October 02, 2006

I'm Calling H.R. On His Fat Ass

Ok, Fat Ass aka Belly sent me and several other female co-workers the following "funny" this afternoon.

My stomach actually lurched but I didn't dignify his stupid ass with a response.

Now don't get me wrong, I like funny commercials as much as the next weirdo, but something about this, coming from him, is just....ewwww..yack..dry heave..NASTY!!

I haven't had the chance to discuss it with the other ladies but they hate as much as I do. What a jackass. Of course if I tell on him and he gets fired, who will I make fun of??

The Chronicles Of Belly

If I can count..(which maybe I can't) THIS MY 100th POST!!! Woo Hoo!!

He is so weird you just have to laugh at him.
We were once again subjected to the tightness of his polo shirt. Even though he's short like a munchkin, He must have to buy his shirts in the Tall section to get them to fit over his stomach. I should ask him where he shops..just for shits and giggles.

He has no clue what he looks like. One day me and my OTHER cube-mates were talking about various bullshit and we got on the subject of bald guys. Belly is one of those bald guys that shaved his head to make it look like it was "his choice" to be bald..we see that shadow of your receding hairline, you're not fooling anyone!! Anyway, I digress. He had the nerve to say "Well at least I'm not one of those guys who's back of their head looks like a pack of hot dogs"...and as he walked away I witnessed a neck and head region that looked like ..yes A PACK OF FUCKING HOT DOGS!!! I should show him a mirror.

He's on some bullshit Low Carb diet (again) where he eats luncheon meat on fake tortilla wraps. The lunch meat comes in this little ziploc lidded container. He leans over the wall and says in his usual high pitched wheeze: "You want this container that my meat was in?" ewww, I wanted to say that I wanted NOTHING to do with anything his "meat" came close to but I politlely said "no".
Belly could've just sat his ass down, BUT NO!!..he had to ask me TWO MORE times and I finally had to tell his ass to throw the damn thing away!

He insisted on talking with his mouth full today, which in most people is tolerable but with him...yack..puke...his mouth makes this thick "mucus", smacking noise that I just can't stomach. I prayed that no one would strike up ANY type of conversation for his whole lunch period..The nausea has made me weak.

But before I go...I found ANOTHER somewhat hateful resemblence that makes me giggle:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA....Imagine the belly about 4 times bigger..damn, I wish I had PhotoShop here.....Oh, I kill me, and if you knew him, this would kill you too.

Hi..My Name Is: Barbara Vila

Somehow this weekend, my named changed to "Barbara Vila/Black Martha Stewart Girl".

Our Friends moved into a new Townhouse this weekend. It's fabulous but it's on the "fringe of tha hood" if ya know what I mean. Gentrification is alive and well in this city.

I thought they were inviting me over just to "see the new place" but I soon realized that I was called there to be the household handyman. I didn't mind really since I loooove to decorate.

My first order of duty was to install the toilet paper holders, I know what you're thinking: Don't houses usually come with these things?? Well, I guess not..

TOUGH LESSON LEARNED #1: When working in what seemed to be a 1500 degree sweat-shop/powder room, DON'T press really hard on the drill when inserting drywall anchors..they tend to push all the way into the wall leaving a GAPING hole in your friend's brand new drywall causing her to look at you in a not so pleasant way. Luckily I was able to cover it with the circumference (ooh big word) of the paper holder.

TOUGH LESSON LEARNED #2: Men don't listen to reason (aka NOTHING Linka72 suggests)
Safety Glasses?? We don't need no stinkin' Safety Glasses....
The male homeowner decided that white "wooden" blinds would look great in the bedroom, lovely idea IN THEORY, but the actual installation was not fun. I watch enough HGTV to know that when the drill is making a screaming/knocking/grinding sound and smells like burnt metal, it might be a good idea to "back off of it a little".
I suggested that we go to the store and get drill bits to make pilot holes and I got a "whatever" look and was asked what a pilot hole was..Jesus!
So 2 hours and 4 ruined drill bits later..TA DA!! 3 blinds hung!

I'm sure that I will be summoned there again this weekend, matter of fact, she left a pile of things in the corner for me to "get to" next time. Aren't friends great??