Keep Your Hams To Yourself

Belly keeps trying to find ways to touch me...I almost vomited today...
So far he got the following "feels" in:

1. He asked to use my Sharpie..twice. The first time, I handed it to him and he found a way to touch my hand..think of how long a damn Sharpie is..eww
He handed it back to me after a couple of minutes..tried to touch me again..but my cat-like reflexes foiled his advances.
Not so lucky the second time though..were. is. my. anti. bacterial. hand. gel?????
His sausage-ass fingers are ALWAYS ashy..get some lotion for shit's sake!

2. He ABSOLUTELY NEEDED me to check out a dvd that he pirated (he actually said "Arrrg..Me Maties" when he did it..no, really, he did) to see if it worked on my computer. He handed it to me all gingerly and gay-like and I just knew he was gonna try some shit so I grabbed the disc and got my fingerprints ALL OVER IT..haha At least he didn't touch me, but damn it all if on the disc's way back over to him, that fucker touched me again..I don't feel so good...I'm woozy from the nausea of it all...wait. maybe that's his breath

He asked to for some tape...I think after all these horrible incidents, I have learned. So I set it on top of the cube wall..mwhahahahaha When he was done, he tried to place it back on my desk..his arms are really short and his stomach is really big so I heard an AUDIBLE grunt..it was the funniest shit (besides his chicken song) that I have heard all day.

Let's talk more about his breath..it smells like sulphur and ass crack..is that from a bad tooth or something..(dry heave)
I need a root canal and I'm pretty damn sure MY breath doesn't smell like that.
He eats raw onions ALL day EVERY day..somebody help me