Tuesday, November 15, 2011

My Husband Does Dumb Shit...But He's Cute And His Sperm Works

A couple of nights ago, he'd been out on the front porch relaxing and having a beer (possibly two..who freaking knows).

Later on, I watched him go into the bedroom with a bag of Flipz White Chocolate Pretzels (only a DOLLAR at Kroger! SCORE!!) and a handful of Reese's Cups.
He doesn't eat sweets very much but when he does, he goes BIG.

Cut to an hour later....

The lights are off and the TV is on in the bedroom.
I sat on the bed, all ready to watch Sons Of Anarchy on my favorite seemingly illegal website, when all of a sudden, I hear some award winning snoring coming from his side of the bed..so I look...and I notice a white blob on his cheek...'the hell?

A closer look reveals that this jackass has fallen into some sort of sugar coma with a trail of pretzels up his arm, on his face and chest (and all over my favorite sheets) in different stages of meltage...oh and did I mention that there were candy wrappers all over MY pillows??!!
I swear to God, I was SO pissed, I was simultaneously screaming at him and looking for something to stab him with.

And OF COURSE I was "overreacting"....

Him: Why are you yelling and shit..it's not like there's chocolate everywhere...
Me: Are you serious right now??

I could tell that he was still asleep..he has a habit of having FULL conversations in his sleep..again, 'The Hell??

Him: Daaaaaamn lady!! Why are you trippin'..it's just a pretzel or two..go to bed..leave me alone...zzzzzz

I finally got him to wake up and man, was he pissed..he stomped off to the bathroom, pretzels still stuck to him, mumbling shit..then it got silent...he must have seen himself in the mirror...I heard the water running...he got back into bed and whispered some shit about "Good night", and I didn't hear a peep out of his ass for the rest of the night.

Score ONE for me and my righteous indignation..because yes, I keep a mental score of "marriage wins"..because I am mean.

I swear, if he wasn't the father of my child....

Speaking of that child..at 5 months old, she already knows how to manipulate my emotions.
She has learned how to pout and can also smile reaaaal cute when she wants something....how is that freaking possible??

I spent $40 and a fucking hour putting together THIS DAMN THING

The first time she sat in it, she just sat in it..Absolutely petrified.
I spun her around and made all the toys move and she JUST. SAT. THERE.
I figured that maybe it was a little too advanced for a 4 month old...literally too many "bells and whistles".
The next few times went a little better..but not much.
Lately she sits in it and screams bloody murder after a minute or two....so yeah, that was a great, useful purchase.

According to my iPhone and digital camera, I have taken approximately 600 pictures of her and spent at least $300 on clothes for her.

And I am only slightly ashamed of myself.

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