Woo!! It feels like I haven't blogged since Belly was thin...then that would have been never wouldn't it???
hahahaha, oh, I kill me.
My weekend was STUPID busy..I almost felt like my old "partying self"..almost.
Friday I stayed up until 1am making chocolate covered strawberries for Party #1 (see schedule below). I then had to wake up at 8am in a panic worried that I was going to wake up late and miss my shift at my shitty part time job (one of them). I went back to sleep..sort of.. and woke up at 9:45 to start the following:
LINKA'S SATURDAY SCHEDULE aka: Work yourself like a slave for your friends
11 am - 3 pm: Work shitty retail job, mostly goofing off and looking at men (stupid customers had me there until 3:13 actually..fuckers)
3:15 pm - 3:32 pm: Drive home, screaming obscenities the entire way, pulling up to my house on 2 wheels.
3:32 pm - 3:55 pm: ATTEMPT to get dressed quickly because I was SOOOOO smart to lay my outfit out the previous night..but wait..I HATE THIS OUTFIT. Walked around looking stupid for about 10 minutes for no reason and ended putting the original outfit on as planned..damn it!!!
4:40 pm: Arrived at Party #1 which started at 4 pm. (Somebody's gotta be late..why not let it be me??) Ex-Co-worker's house is FUCKING FABULOUS!!! It has a REAL bar in the basement with two bathrooms (??) and a pool table. (secretly think she's selling dope on the side but am informed that she's sort of "sub-letting" whateva).
4:45 pm - 8:50 pm: Screamed and Screamed, Drank and Drank, Laughed and Laughed with all my old co-workers from the really fucked up Non Profit that we all worked at 10 years ago.
Let one of our old friends know that I used to have a super sloppy crush on him - felt kind of weird when he said: "Used to?? What about now?!?
I slipped out of his very tight grip while mentioning The Other Half and realized that I shouldn't have said anything about anything.
8:55 pm: Finally left the party that I said earlier that I would leave at "7 pm, NO EXCEPTIONS" (yeah, right)
9:15 pm - 9:30 pm: Screamed at TOH (in my head) for not being dressed and ready for Party #2 before I got home..damn it boy, I left a note AND called you while I was out..jees!
9:30 pm - 10:30 pm: Drive time to Party #2, yes, my co-worker lives in the fucking boonies
10:35 pm - 1:20 am: Partied my stupid ass off!! Late again as usual..slackers.
Since we pre-paid $10 to attend this shin-dig, it was our intention to eat and drink our fair share and then some but by the time we got there all the "good" liquor was gone and the food was picked over..oh well
Here are some of Party #2's Highlights:
The Questions Game - Everybody writes out a question that they have always wanted an answer to and the "Question Ho" picks them from a hat. Example questions: "Does size matter?" or "What constitutes Good Pussy?" (What?? people were drunk) or TOH's favorite "Why can't a man have JUST ONE SUNDAY to watch football IN PEACE?" (whateva, assholes). This whole game turned into a "Men against Women" thing as usual.
The Dirty Santa Exchange - Oh.The.Comedy.
But I, like a dumbass left my gift at home. On Friday I purchased a lovely Cock Ring with Latex Whip Attachment (woo hoo!!) then I bought a box of condoms by HUGE brand. What?? We had a $10 limit and my OCD wouldn't let me buy just one gift!!
TOH's "Fireside Chat" - Somehow TOH got ahold of one of those "Sex Positions For Everyday Of The Year" books and ended up surrounded by me and another 10 ladies calling out different dates. Once he found the requested date he turned the book around to show us all the position like it was story hour at Gymboree...fucking hilarious.
Then in his usual "direct" way, he let them know that they (including him and me) were all wayyyy too big to try at least 90% of these moves. Somehow none of them were offended, he's such a charmer (yeah, whateva)
Ghetto Karaoke - Again, Oh.The.Comedy.
Why, you ask, is it called "Ghetto Karaoke"?? Well imagine this setup: Hip Hop songs playing on a really cool IPOD player BUT attached to a kid's jukebox/cd player/double microphone thingie that gave more bad feedback than Ebay. Oh, did I mention there were NO WORDS on the screen?? You pretty much had to "figure out" the words for your damn self.
TOH and my Co-Worker "Sherlock" did a surprisingly accurate rendition of Doug E. Fresh's "The Show". He was even doing the "Doug E. Fresh dance"...if you've seen Paid In Full, you'll know what I mean. He also found his way to the mic on EU's "Doin' Tha Butt".
One of my seemingly "sweet and quiet" co-workers got up and did Rob Base's "It Takes Two" , rappin' it like he wrote it....Somehow he ended up freak dancing with his single female cube mate..I thought he was married..woo good times.
Moral of this story:
Drunk people should NOT Karaoke
All the way home, TOH kept trying to offer me some of THE ENTIRE PARTY-SIZE BAG of Tostitos Scoops chips he took from the party.
TOH: Wants some tortilllllllllla chips??
Me: No, I'm trying to drive and I'm already dehydrated
*welcome silence* (except for his munching and smacking, a sad reminder of Belly)
TOH: Linka72, I have to tell you something, it's really important, look at me
Me: (irritated, since he always professes some important "truth" every time he drinks) What??!?
TOH: *sighs*, leans in, looks at me in a serious way.......You have GOT to try these chips!!!!
At this point I'm trying to figure out how to throw him through the windshield without the airbags opening.....
That drunk ass boy went on like that for most of the hour-long trip home. Thank god he finally fell asleep..gripping the chip bag tightly.
Needless to say, me and TOH slept most of the day Sunday and I'm still hoarse from laughing and screaming, I'm sure all the alcohol didn't help my throat situation either.
Of course ya know everybody was "hanging their heads low" on Monday..leave it my big ass mouth to "remind" them of their deeds..oh, being evil is SO much fun.