I used to love FedEx, my friend Freddie worked for them and I used to hang out in the FedEx store downtown with him..inappropriate? Of course.
Oh, and there used to be this FIIIIIINE Fedex guy that would deliver to this office I worked in. Mmm, nice shorts... Every time we would hear his little computer thing beeping from around the corner, all the ladies in the office would line up like whores at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch and primp and smile at him..."Hiii FedEx guy"..God, we were such tramps.
Have I mentioned that I get a really obscene discount at the store where I
Well, one day I made the mistake of letting one of my co-workers at my day job find this little fact out and (as rumors in a cubicle farm usually do) it spread like wildfire except it didn't burn down the office..damn it.
Anteeeeway, their last order came up to nearly $400. I ordered it all online and fully expecting it to be shipped to my house ON TIME like it always does but noooo, that's just how my luck fucks me.
First, two small boxes came:
1 with a T-shirt for my fashionally challenged coworker Hee Haw Woo Hoo
1 with a pair of gym shorts for the same fashionally challenged man
(what a waste of cardboard)
*begin long-winded rant here*
Did I tell you that it took over two days of tortuous persuasion for me to get him to even order this shit? An order that also included a very nice pair of kicks and another outfit...for chrissakes, he was actually sweating at one point and nervously wringing his hands hoping that what me and 3 other women picked out for him was "cool looking"..It seems that even though this man can decorate homes so well that I, in fact, swore he was gay once - this doesn't quite carry over to his fashion sense..poor thing wears high water corduroy pants and boots like these...
With really thick, white tube socks..and Hawaiian shirts..that are 2 sizes too small..in the summer..poor guy.
So the first two boxes came via UPS on Thursday..yay UPS, you have never let me down..brown..
But for some stupid reason, the bulk of the order was sent via FedEx...whatever
On Friday I tracked the package and it showed as "delivered".great, it found Jesus, Halaluyerrr. I called TOH and he said he "don't know nuthin' 'bout buurthin' no box"..hmm, strange.
I then checked the signature online and it said S.Spele...WTF?? Who Dat?
So then I called FedEx and they said that yes indeed, the package was at my house.
I got home..no box...called FedEx again:
Fedex CS Girl: Mmm Hmm, delivered
Me: Nope, uh uh
Fedex CS Girl: Maybe you should ask your neighbors
Me: Uh, I've only seen them twice and spoken to them once, sort of..
Fedex CS Girl: Let's put a trace on it, someone will call you..maybe in 24-48 hours
Me: (thinking) yeah, sure - sounds hopeful
I actually followed her advice and asked my next door neighbor, who's teenage daughter said that " Two different colored trucks came, but I don't know what happened after that"...yep, weed smoke and X pills talkin'...she probably had all my damn shoes in her closet..but I digress..
Then I went and knocked on the door directly below us..no answer..bitch, I see your damn car, I KNOW YOU'RE HOME!!!
Then I knocked next door to her...great, the condo where the oldest Asian woman in history lives with her crazy, leg biting, inbred terrier...the dog of course is going bat-shit while I try to explain who I am and what I'm looking for, then her son came to the door (he's pretty damn old too) and said something about "No" then closed the door...*sigh*
I called FedEx back and got the same line of bullshit about a trace and contacting the driver..blah fuckin' blah.
It's nearly 9pm at this point so I called the CS center for my company and he said that he saw no such trace..but that HE would start one too..great.wonderful.
I tossed and turned all night trying to figure out how I was going to pay my co-workers their "damn money" if this box never showed back up and then how I was going to have to set up a complaint booth at my desk for all the bitching that would ensue.
The next day, I called FedEx AGAIN. This time I got a guy who said he was going to call the terminal or distribution center, or something and he put me on hold..yay, pro activeness...he came back on the line and said that the driver "Left it at the leasing office"....huh?? I live in a gated,private condo community and WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A LEASING OFFICE for shit's sake!!
Then he said, "Oh"...just Oh...then he put me back on hold while I fumed and cursed..out loud..at work..I'm such a professional..he came back on and said that the driver was in the area and that he would "try to figure out what he did with it and re-deliver the box"..Is it just me, or does that sound like an extra helping of dumbass on the driver's part??
I thanked the CS guy for being great..because he was, and then I promised to dance at his wedding..then he let out a nervous, awkward laugh and so did I..then I hung up.
When I got home today, the box was in front of the door...and I could tell that some fucker had opened it and did a shitty job of re-taping it closed..
Luckily for FedEx, nothing was missing.