Because It's Christmas Dammit!!!!

I swear, I'm going to get a fucking tattoo that says that...

Well the holidays were really busy..what else is new huh?

My brother the gigolo flew in to harass us and eat every morsel of food in sight..YAY!!

Since I didn't want a repeat of Vomitcon 2008, I mostly sat around and watched my family eat copious amounts of yummy looking food while I cleaned up after them..if I see one more fucking red plastic cup or dirty styrofoam plate, somebody is gonna die.

I managed to make a halfway decent Pineapple Upside Down cake..I think I was drunk because some of the pineapples near the middle are all wonky...

Christmas day, first we went to my cousin's house (She's actually my step-aunt but that sounds stupid) for the annual Christmas brunch..freakin' comedy I tell ya.

The theme this year was "Breakfast Burrito and Yogurt Parfait Bar"...what? she's an amateur event planner.

Then we went to a different cousin's house and ate more food..well, I mostly watched..but I did manage to eat lots of red velvet cake..oh and lemon cake..oh and some cookies..fat ass much?

Here's some pictures from Christmas Day:

Da Bar

Da other Bar

A shameful display of trees, wine and gifts

Me and the Hubby's cars in front of a house we could never afford..yes, we're pimps

Yet another picture in front of a completely different house that we don't own and can't afford.
The car in front is Grandad's..we're in a gang called "People with red cars and some have ridiculously big rims..but we look good when we pull in front of Church and/or the Club"..and sadly in the black community, that's really all that counts.

He's Got A Ticket To Ride...

And I don't care....

It seems that Belly has become quite ambitious since he got a promotion. He made a big production out of finally getting a girlfriend and now he's moving in with her...

HUNDREDS OF MILES AWAY!!!!!

Yaaaay thankyousomuchjaaysussourlordandsayvyuh!!!

So on his last day, I watched his big ass wanderin' around the office hugging on people (even though you tell they didn't want to), man giggling and I swear to God, he came up behind the lady across from me and kissed her on her neck while he hugged her FROM BEHIND..you should have seen her face..I nearly pissed myself laughing...and it didn't help that she, being the sweetest person in the world, said: "Ummm, Oh...how sweet of you".

I kept conveniently picking up phone calls so he couldn't molest me but he just kept hovering and pacing..I promise you, he hung around for like 15 minutes!! Then when he got tired of acting like he wasn't waiting for me to get off of the phone, he put his big ass belly up against my cube wall and blew out a hot breathed, high pitched: "Damn guuurl, I'm gonna miss youuuu"...while I was on the fucking phone with a fucking customer.

nice

I had to put my phone on Mute and force out a strained "Oh, me too"...lying is fun.

So the jackass has finally left the building..finally.

But of course you know with Belly, the story doesn't end there....

There I was, this past Sunday morning, cooking bacon..minding my own fucking business when my cell phone rings..who the fuck could it be??

Me: Hello?
Caller: Heeeeey Guurl!! I'm home!! I finally made it!!
Me: Umm...great!! Who's this?

Because at this point, I thought it was my FEMALE co-worker who I have named "Frugal as a Motherfucker But Throws Parties Like a Queen".

But to my chagrin, it was Belly...(he must have smelled the bacon from waaay up there...)

Belly: It's me, Belly..you've forgotten my voice so soon??
Me: Umm..hi
Belly: I was just calling to see if they have started playing musical chairs yet.
Me: Huh?
Belly: Did they move you yet?
(We're getting some new employees on our team and this will be our 6th "desk move" to date)
Me: No..not yet.
Belly: What are you doing right now?
Me: Cooking FOR MY HUSBAND..and watching football.
Belly: Is he a Cowboys fan?
Me:..Uh, I guess.
Belly: Well, I just wanted to let you know that I made it here ok..and all..and uh..My girlfriend says hi.
Girlfriend: Hiiiiiiiiii!!!
(Great, now two fucking weirdos know my number..that poor girl)
Me: Uh, hi...
Belly: Well I guess I'll let you guys get back to your day...[insert weird pause here]
Me: OK..bye...*CLICK*

WTF?? He is so..strange..he used to do the same thing when he was married. He liked to call me while she was sitting beside him and try to talk me to fucking death at weird hours of the day and night.

Note to Belly: We are so NOT cool like dat
Note to self: Get a new cell phone number

And for the comic relief portion of this post, I give you Belly and his Girlfriend