Sunday, December 21, 2008

Yay Vomit!!!

It was my birthday yesterday..the big 36..yay?

From what I hear from my mom, ever since I was born, I have always had some sort of horrible illness on or around my birthday.

And since I'm all for tradition and shit, I decided to start my vomiting on Wednesday...and I just can't stop.

We had a "Food Day" on Wednesday (I'm sure Belly smelled it from 500 miles away) and in the span of 2 hours I ate:

A bowl of oatmeal
A donut
4 huge handfuls of pecan buttery caramel corn (We call it "crack corn" cuz it's just that good)
1 ham and provolone sandwich with pesto on sourdough
1 bowl of broccoli cheese soup, xtra broccoli (the semi-home made version)
1 slice of lemon meringue pie with the meringue scraped off (yeck)
1/2 a bag of goldfish
3 sips of Sprite

By the time I got to the Sprite my stomach was boiling and rightfully so, I guess.

I was sitting in the "mandatory fun" department meeting whose theme was fishing..or some other crap..and my mouth started to water and my forehead was sweating..uh oh.

I excused myself but not before the nosy ass department secretary told me in her "joking" way to sit my ass down..I got past her without flipping her the finger and proceeded to vomit for the next hour..ew.

I somehow got back to my desk and laid my head on the nice cool fake walnut..almost as good as the bathroom floor at home...but not as clean.

I was starting to get all warm and freaked out so I called my co-worker "Sista Don't Play" on her cell phone in the meeting and she then freaked out and brought my equally freaked out manager with her..I felt like such an ass...all I could do was cry when they asked me what was wrong.

"Sista Don't Play" is such a good caretaker. She took me to an empty conference room and tried to make me lay on the table while she made a "bed" out of blankets and 3 ring binders but I thought I'd vomit if I laid down..I really wanted to lay on the floor but she's a germophobe and that just "wadun't happnin".
Then she iced my forehead and neck..god bless that woman.

After about an hour, I felt okay enough to go back to my desk but guess what we noticed...a Subconjunctival hemorrhage..otherwise known as a NASTY RED EYEBALL..great, just fucking great.

For some reason, my dumb ass stayed at work for the rest of the day....then I even went to work the NEXT day, cuz I'm dumb...but I had to wear sunglasses because everytime one of those childing bastards at work saw my eye, they ran around screaing like 4 yr olds..I was even asked by one of them to "not look in their direction for a while", fuck off.
The rest of the idiots decided it would be funny to make comments about my "hollywood", you too can fuck off.

Thursday night, the vomiting started again..woo hoo.

Friday morning I couldn't take it anymore and went to the doctor...sigh, my doctor...she is such a jackass..she mostly chastised my food choices before AND after the first vomit event.."you ate oatmeal the next morning??? OMG!!!"...blah blah blah...
I threatened to yack on her pretty floor so she gave me a Ondansetron pill and told me to let it dissolve on my tongue..QUESTION: Why does a pill that is supposed to suppress nausea may you want to, well, vomit??

Then I gave all the blood and urine I could muster and they ran some tests...

Not Pregnant (whew)
Nothing Viral
Potassium is kinda low
Ketones in urine (uh, I was sick and couln't eat so then I couldn't exactly eat anything..due to the vomiting and all)

They made me stay for another hour while I got a nice IV bag of fluids..of course the nurse tried to kill me..oh the was like a damn crime scene but I was too weak to complain.

After all that, I'm feeling a little better..I didn't keep me from going to a party or two on Saturday of course...gotta keep the party goin'

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