The Mute Button Is Your Friend..Or Not

I'll probably lose my "tech support rep" card for telling people this but on the phones we have here, there's a handy little MUTE button..I love the fucking MUTE button...it keeps me sane at work.

Most of the calls we get here involve stupid people doing stupid things...for stupid reasons.

Caller: err, ummm...my monitor is sparking and smoking
Professional Me: That's strange, what led up to this?
Caller: (whispering) Well, I have a plant on it and I when I watered it, it overflowed
Professional Me on MUTE: You stupid fuck!!! (I also laugh at people while on MUTE)
Professional Me: I'm sorry, could you repeat that..a little louder? (just because I'm a mean bitch)

This button also helps when you want to agree with the caller but don't want them to hear it.

Caller: I am such a dumb ass when it comes to computers
Professional Me on MUTE: Yep, you're right
Professional Me: Ohhh don't be so hard on yourself

I also like to chastise the caller's children or life choices when they insist on calling from home with bullshit problems..it kills me that people are on their fucking laptops doing work WHILE THEY ARE RECOVERING FROM HEART SURGERY or WHILE THEY ARE ON VACATION!!

Caller: Hi..I broke something and got some sort of error message..blah blah [insert screaming, annoying child here]
Professional Me: I'm sorry, I can't hear you, could you speak up please
Professional Me on MUTE: Shut that little bastard up
Caller: wah wah wump wah [insert barking dog and more screaming children here]
Professional Me on MUTE: Oh my god..shut the fuck up!!

I don't know about you, but when I was growing up, If my mom was on the phone me and my brother BETTER have been quiet or she would have put a foot in our asses..parents today are so lax.

or:

Caller: (heart monitor beeping) Hi, I'm in the hospital recovering from heart surgery and I can't get my email to open, I have a big project due
Professional Me on MUTE: Ummm, huh? That's probably why your dumb ass had a heart attack in the first place!!
Professional Me: Oh, you poor thing. Let's see if we can get you connected

One last note:

Remember, unless you hear music, you are NOT on hold...I can't tell you how many times I have heard a caller talking cash shit about me while they "think" they are on hold.."Hey Bob, This broad doesn't know her ass from a whole in the ground, EVERYBODY knows that you're supposed to yank the print-out from the printer before it finishes printing instead of waiting for it to hit the tray!!"
Then when I start talking over their little rant, they get all embarrassed..."Oh!! I'm sorry, I didn't know you were still there..blah blah blah"

And don't get me started on the SPEAKERPHONE....people think they're being really cool "multi-taskers" when all they really are being is rude..do you have any idea HOW LOUD paper shuffling and popcorn chewing is over the speakerphone..obviously not.

People are stupid.

But I like getting a paycheck.