Talkin' Politics and Gang Signs

Our management has put out a "gag order" of sorts on Political Talk in the cube farm...yay

It seems that someone was offended by a (from what I hear freakin' heeelarious) group conversation that happened on Monday about John McCain's appearance.

Namely, his arms and how they don't match his body.

One co-worker said:

"Is it just me, or are his arms a little long for his body??"

(I guess his arms ARE long enough to box with god huh?? Oh, I slay me!!)

Well when this lady (The one who doesn't wash her hands after peeing) heard the jokes getting started she stands up all red faced and shaking and hollers:

"He was a P.O.W. for criminees sake!!! He bravely served his country..blah blah blah"

I heard that a hush fell over the crowd and then somebody changed the subject.

Later on, one of the managers called a "stand-up" meeting to basically say that we need to be mindful that "our words may hurt"...blah blah fucking blah

I guess No Woman, No Wash ran and told on everybody...heffa

So since we're complete jackasses, we've decided to come up with a "secret society" or gang, if you will, way to talk about politics without anybody suspecting it....

We have come up with our own gang signs: Yeah, we know they are not sign languagely correct)

The View Fox News (?)


CNN

Sarah Palin - 'cuz she's a "hang loose" type of broad

..And a beer drinker

Barack Obama

McCain (modified from below because it hurt our fingers)



If management is "on the floor" then we double up the M's to signal for Management Mafia


Then we double up the following if we see the all clear when they leave for the day as if to say: "Mafia Up...and OUT"



And my personal favorite....



Is it obvious that the majority of us are RAGING alcoholics??

Belly Might Be A Superhero...HA

Today while Meat Hooks was making his way over to touch my shit, Miss Thang Don't Play sent me a warning email that said:

put up what you don't want him touching!!!

Good thing my Outlook was minimized because as she pointed out from past experience: Belly likes to eyeball my screen

I'm not sure how in the fuck he can see really small text from that far away, Miss Thang theorized it was his thick ass glasses..I say he has a bionic eye

We spent the rest of the afternoon imagining Belly as a superhero again...Dum Da Da Dum!!! It's Captain Fat As Fuck!!

Able to inhale large buffet tables in a single bound.....
(I nearly pissed myself today over that one)

And let's not forget his trusty sidekick: FingerprintMan!!!
Like a stealthy hunting tracker, FingerprintMan can fondle your leather desk set and tell when your last bowel movement was.....texture and size too!!

Is it obvious that we have absolutely NOTHING to do around here???

Meat Hooks Is Possibly A Woman....

I accidentally noticed that Meat Hooks had a camel toe today...I mean there was NO SIGN of his manhood..anywhere...his belt buckle sits approximately 3 inches under his Adam's apple too....

I've been laughing since 9 am

Meat Hooks Might Get Killed This Week

Ok dude,

It's one thing to come over to my desk today and fondle my can opener like you had never seen one before...my fucking dollar store can opener...it was red and shiny though....

But it's a whole 'nother thing to spread your weird shit to a different co-worker.

I sit next to a lady we'll call "Miss Thang Don't Play". Suffice it to say..this broad doesn't take shit..from anybody, and her cussing skills could make a trucker blush.

I love her....

Anywhoo, during the latest of Meat Hook's numerous walkabouts, he sauntered by Miss Thang Don't Play's desk and noticed something on her desk...I saw the gleam in his eye and you could almost feel his pulse quickening..yeck...he reached over the high wall of her cubicle, and PICKED UP HER NAIL POLISH!!!!

Why would he possibly need to touch her nail polish??? It's a good thing that she was on a call, because his ass would have been ripped to shreds otherwise...

After he had sufficiently fondled the bottle and noted the color (Pink Chiffon #12) he walked away. Her phone call ended and she looked over at me and said:

"What in the blue fuck is hiiiiiis problem????!!??"

All I could say was: " I told you so"

We spent the next hour laughing and gagging while we imagined him painting his crusty toenails tonight.

The Meat Hook Chronicles....

Today it was my ruler....


Belly has a habit of beating us over the head with little "news of the weird" clips and stories. Today he wouldn't leave us the fuck alone about this stupid story about a little dog...sigh..Belly was SO damn excited by this....


Belly: Ooo Ooo look!! look!! Look at this tiny dog!! ( I hate it when men say "tiny")

Rest Of The Pod Farm: Yeah..look at it


Then here comes Meat Hooks...Meat Hooks has a tendency to not believe shit anybody has to say so he starts to dispute Belly's claims of this small dog and goes on and onabout how a dog can't be that small blah blah damn blah...


I'm sitting there minding my own business when Meat Hooks screams out:


"Who's got a ruler????!!!! Huh??!!! Who!!??...*gasp*..Linka!! I KNOW you have a ruler over there!!!"....

And before I could catch myself, I was handing my cool clear acrylic ruler over to his nasty ass...wtf?? That bastard tricked me I tell ya!!!

He just HAD to know where the 4 inch mark was (I was tempted to tell him to look in his pants but I refrained, because I'm a lady ya know)
After about five stupid minutes of stupid ass debate on what 4 inches looked like, I looked back to find Meat Hooks leaning over Belly's desk, fondling my ruler behind his back..eww, near his ass parts..yeck...*dry heave*

He finally handed it over to me..or at least he tried..I ignored him so long that he just sat it on my desk...where is my antibacterial gel..and blow-torch.....

The Meat Hook Chronicles

Today it my keys..my fucking keys!!!

He's been wandering around the department ALL fucking day today.

I accidentally made eye contact with him twice..(shit!!!) but he kept wandering so I was spared..temporarily, at least.

Just now, he walked by (for the 10th time) and said:

Meat Hooks: Daaaaaang Linka, that's a lot of keys
Me: Uh..huh?
Meat Hooks: Your keys..there's lot of them..woooo!
Me: (thinking) what the fuck is your issue EXACTLY??
Me: (out loud) Yeah, I guess..
Meat Hooks: God forbid somebody is chasing you and you need to get your car door open

WTF?????

Me: Yeah, good thing huh?..I know where all my keys are though

This is where he reaches out to touch them..yeck

Meat Hooks: Wow, you have lots of keys...(weird pause after fondling them)

Here's where I yank open my desk drawer and throw my keys in..slamming the drawer for good measure...he, as usual, skulked away

Poor Meat Hooks..Uh, No

I was mean to Meat Hooks today...and it was fun.....

This weekend, I was in Target, in the Dollar Aisle (of course), better yet, the CLEARANCE Dollar Aisle when what did my eyes have the pleasure of seeing....A USB Cup Warmer!!! (with LED light no doubt)
I knew it's shiny mirrored surface would be sure to titillate the OCD nerve in Meat Hook's little brain.

So I bought it..it cost .68 cents thankyouverymuch.

I then casually placed it near my CPU..lookin' all sparkly and shit...and wouldn't ya know it..here comes Meat Hooks.

He stood there behind me..breathin' and shit as usual

After a freakishly long pause he says:

What's THAT thing???
Me: What thing?
Meat Hooks: THAT thing..
Me: Huh?, wha' thing (being hateful is so damn funny to me)
Meat Hooks: (breathing heavy at this point) That, that that that RIGHT THEEEEERE!!

and ONLY after his finger was 2 millimeters from the cool, shiny object did I say:

"Oh that? It's a cup warmer..or something" then I continued to look like I was working...he stood there and "ooohed and ahhed" for a few minutes while I ignored him. I could tell by the quiver in his voice that he wanted to touch it BUT I REFUSED TO OFFER..hee hee

But of course, because my life hates me, Meat Hooks returned a couple of hours later..yay, great.

I saw him rounding the corner but I chose to ignore him. I figured he was there to see Belly, and so did Belly
Belly: Hey guy, (I hate when he calls people guy) I'll be done in just a second
Meat Hooks: Who said I was coming to see youuuu?? (yeck)

I heard some sort of annoying crunching behind me but again, chose to ignore his ass...more crunching..and lurking..crunch...crunch...then I noticed that he was crouching just outside my cubicle wall...wtf??...crunch..chip bag noise..crunch...He was reading my Dilbert cartoons that I have posted on the cubicle wall to irritate management...
Meat Hooks: (popping up like Jack in The Box) Hey Linka!! (again, wtf?) Can I make a copy of this?
Me: Of what? (I know, the bitch lives)
Meat Hooks: This Dilbert thing right here

Ok, let me say that I have had that VERY cartoon outside my fucking cubicle for THREE AND A HALF YEARS..but all of a sudden, today, you NEED to make a copy.

If I didn't need this job..I'd quit.

If He Touches ONE MORE Thing...

Let me introduce you to yet ANOTHER annoying co-worker:

My name for him is: MEAT HOOKS

Why? Well Meat Hooks has this obsessive/compulsive "thing" that involves hovering around my cubicle, making ridiculous small talk just so that he can TOUCH THINGS on my desk....wtf??

At first i thought he was just being inquisitive...but then it got weird. One day he came by with his weird ass self and I told myself earlier in the day that I would make it a point to put something "interesting" on my desk to tempt him...(insert evil laugh here).....I pretended to be on a call while he hovered. He waited for a couple of minutes while I had my imaginary conversation...out of the corner of my eye I saw him notice "the item"....so I leisurely (strategically) placed my body in between it and him...his fucking hands were actually TREMBLING!!! I'm serious, I almost pissed myself with inner laughter.. I innocently glanced over and smiled, "Oh, I didn't see you standing there" I, of course, said in my sweetest southern belle voice....he kind of just skulked away....

One day, I was shootin' the shit with some female co-workers about 4 feet from my desk. Meat Hooks and Belly were standing in his cube talking about - I don't know - cheese puff flavor to air ratios when I saw him edge his way into my cube. Just as he was preparing to touch something, I yelled out "AHHHT!!!!! (like when you discipline babies and dogs). He jumped about 3 feet in the air....me and my (as he would call us) "cackling bitches" laughed loudly and heartily..he tried to play it off by saying he was "Just dropping off something I let him borrow"..yeah right touchy boy....
*sigh* .....being mean is fun.

Did I mention that he is Belly's BEST FRIEND!!!!!!!???!!!

Oh, the hilarity

The bad part is that he's this weird, fat in all the wrong places, nerdy, bitterly-divorced, woman hating single guy with a large porn collection.
I have nightmares that he's in my cubicle on my days off just touching various shit on my desk and leaving his testicle crumbs on my keyboard.

Note to self: Have entire cubicle washed down with antibacterial solvents ASAP

P.S.: Burn keyboard

Much like a serial killer, his crimes are escalating:

This morning, there was a greeting card on top of a face-down DVD case, my keys and my cell phone all in a little cluster on my right side desk top. Meat Hooks comes bumbling down the row and stands there just outside my cube. My back was still to him but I said hello and continued to settle in for the day.
This jackass works his way into my cube, scoots the card off of the DVD case, picks the motherfucker up, TURNS THE CASE OVER and begins to comment on the movie!!..yeah, WTF??

I'm thinking I should just box up all my shit and ride around with it in my trunk......