If He Touches ONE MORE Thing...

Let me introduce you to yet ANOTHER annoying co-worker:

My name for him is: MEAT HOOKS

Why? Well Meat Hooks has this obsessive/compulsive "thing" that involves hovering around my cubicle, making ridiculous small talk just so that he can TOUCH THINGS on my desk....wtf??

At first i thought he was just being inquisitive...but then it got weird. One day he came by with his weird ass self and I told myself earlier in the day that I would make it a point to put something "interesting" on my desk to tempt him...(insert evil laugh here).....I pretended to be on a call while he hovered. He waited for a couple of minutes while I had my imaginary conversation...out of the corner of my eye I saw him notice "the item"....so I leisurely (strategically) placed my body in between it and him...his fucking hands were actually TREMBLING!!! I'm serious, I almost pissed myself with inner laughter.. I innocently glanced over and smiled, "Oh, I didn't see you standing there" I, of course, said in my sweetest southern belle voice....he kind of just skulked away....

One day, I was shootin' the shit with some female co-workers about 4 feet from my desk. Meat Hooks and Belly were standing in his cube talking about - I don't know - cheese puff flavor to air ratios when I saw him edge his way into my cube. Just as he was preparing to touch something, I yelled out "AHHHT!!!!! (like when you discipline babies and dogs). He jumped about 3 feet in the air....me and my (as he would call us) "cackling bitches" laughed loudly and heartily..he tried to play it off by saying he was "Just dropping off something I let him borrow"..yeah right touchy boy....
*sigh* .....being mean is fun.

Did I mention that he is Belly's BEST FRIEND!!!!!!!???!!!

Oh, the hilarity

The bad part is that he's this weird, fat in all the wrong places, nerdy, bitterly-divorced, woman hating single guy with a large porn collection.
I have nightmares that he's in my cubicle on my days off just touching various shit on my desk and leaving his testicle crumbs on my keyboard.

Note to self: Have entire cubicle washed down with antibacterial solvents ASAP

P.S.: Burn keyboard

Much like a serial killer, his crimes are escalating:

This morning, there was a greeting card on top of a face-down DVD case, my keys and my cell phone all in a little cluster on my right side desk top. Meat Hooks comes bumbling down the row and stands there just outside my cube. My back was still to him but I said hello and continued to settle in for the day.
This jackass works his way into my cube, scoots the card off of the DVD case, picks the motherfucker up, TURNS THE CASE OVER and begins to comment on the movie!!..yeah, WTF??

I'm thinking I should just box up all my shit and ride around with it in my trunk......