Friday, June 17, 2011

Oh Yeah, THAT Happened.... blog..forgot all about this thing...ha

So, how was your Memorial weekend? Good? Hmm? How was mine you say?


Yeah, you read that right...the baby came early because I'm old and sick and shit.

What do they call these things...birth stories?...well, here's mine..rambling text and all: (sorry)

n damn business going to my regular doctor's visit with the perinatologist (old lady baby specialist) and he comes in the room after testing my high ass blood pressure for the 3rd time and says: "Um, I checked you into the hospital, that baby needs to come out today", como se what the fuck?
He then proceeded to tell me that if I didn't drive there NOW that he would call an ambulance...jeez man, ok.
I remember calling everybody in a blind crying panic and somehow made my way to the REALLY NICE baby factory hospital they have here in town because the doc said so. I had already pre-registered at a different hospital but the doc said he'd rather I go to "baby central"...ok, whatev.
So I get checked in, moved to a room and now they want pee samples and stuff..let's just say, my pee somehow ended up on the floor..what? I was nervous!
The rest of that day consisted of my husband and family sitting around staring at me, getting poked with needles and oh, yeah, people checking my cervix...all of which I do NOT reccomend when you are scared as shit.
Oh, then some big, gorilla handed broad came in and inserted something called cervidil( but at some point my fabulous cooch pushed it much for that.

Friday May 27th:
All night the night before, nurses checked my blood sugar and blood pressure every fucking hour..yay
This day was sort of a blur...I remember being moved to a different room and more friends and family came to see me...not sure though because they had me on some good dope for pain..I guess I was having contractions..I dunno.
Numerous doctors came in and eyeballed me - commenting about my "way too high" BP and kept ordering more Petocin (fucking links won't imbed..sorry).
At some point the doc comes in and says "we're gonna just turn all of this off for the night and try again in the morning"..yay? Whatever, can I eat something now?
Later that night, I was sitting in bed and felt a little "leaking"...see, I still had TWO IV towers attached to me so going pee was a fucking I was having my husband help me get "unplugged", the leaking got worse.."great, I'm pissing myself", I thought out loud.
But the pissing was nonstop...and my dumb ass had no idea that my water was breaking..because well, I'm dumb and 38 and never had a baby before.
The nurse comes in after my frantic button pushing and incoherent yelling about pee...she had this "duh, heffa" look on her face but was nice about explaining what happened..bless her.
They let me sleep..sort of..for the rest of the night then Saturday came..more blur.

Saturday, May 28th:
I was having contractions but they were kind of like mild big deal.
Then they decided to become a big deal and hell yeah, I asked for an epidural..I'm pissed that I had to ask more than once though...bastards.
The anesthesiologist came breezing in talking on her cell phone like she was about to make a damn sandwich and gave me all these instructions about bending and breathing and not, huh?
As per usual I flinched..because damn it, that epidural shit is PURE CRAZY BALLS..but I made it out uparalyzed and let me say this..DRUGS ARE GOOD..sometimes.
I realize now that I didn't "labor" for very long..I am a chicken, sue me.
After checking the fetal monitor for a few minutes, the doctor (who looked to be about 15 years old) leaned over and said that the baby wasn't "bouncing back" from each contraction like she should be and that they needed to "get her out of there"....WHAT????

{Insert my screaming and panic and then some shuffling of family members to the hallway here}

My husband was somewhere between the cafeteria and the room and there were nurses running down halls looking for him.
When they found him, he was saying something about a $15 salad..huh? I dunno...
A nurse shaved my lady bits and it was time to head to the O.R.
For some stupid reason, I'm kinda scared that the gurney is going to hit the wall in the hallway (?) but I'm more worried about not being able to feel my legs anymore..weird shit.
The O.R. is freezing..and all I can keep saying to my husband is TAKE PICTURES OF THE BABY BUT DON'T LOOK AT THE BLOOD AND GUTS..being high on hospital dope makes you look like a dumb ass, I swear.
He, of course, did not listen and is leaning all over the other side of the drape, telling me what everything looks like..because he is a man, and doesn't listen very well.
Honestly, I kept telling myself not to close my eyes because my mind had convinced me that if I did, I would never open them again and that I would die before I saw the baby...what kind of crazy shit is that?
I heard her cry and my husband and everybody in the room cheered..I was SO scared and relieved and cold and high and happy and crying...
But I still had not seen the's strange hearing your parts getting put back in but not being able to feel anything...still...and that staplegun thing...WHOA!
Finally, I was all closed up and they moved me to the recovery room..the first time I saw the baby..I know I sound like a mushy jackass..but seriously, she was perfect..and after they cleaned her up, they put her on my chest..and I balled SO hard...she was looking right at me and she knew who I was and it caught me off guard..I wept like an old lady in church.

6lbs 3oz - 20 inches long!!

My husband, bless his heart, took a LOT of pictures..sigh, I heart him.

I stayed in the hospital 3 more days and got poked and prodded some more.
I have to say that hurses are the shit!!
They do a mostly thankless job and the ones at the hospital where I was were the BEST.

Everything is still a blur. That first night home was CRAZY and I cried the whole time...because I am a cheeseball and getting up every 3 hours is not as fun as it sounds.
Our friends came by and helped us...sigh, I heart them too.

Oh..I forgot, I had to be readmitted to the hospital because I guess MY body was not ready to go home yet..We were at the baby's 1st doctor's visit and I nearly fainted from what they said was "dehydration and high BP".
sigh..3 more days in the hospital which meant I was away from the baby at night which made me cry even more..jeez, there is lots of crying in this whole pregnancy thing huh?

My husband is a fuckin' trooper though. He figured out how to keep both him and the baby alive while I was gone and even set his own "routine". Amazing for a first time dad.
He is truly one of my favortie people right now..besides the baby..and she is a ROCK STAR thankyouverymuch...despite being born early, she passed ALL of her tests and the doctors say she is doing great..almost like she was SUPPOSED to be born early..absolutely NO problems...

Nature..go figure.


valerie said...

Congratulations :)
Glad you are both doing well now.

Anonymous said...

Congrats!! I was never a crier...then I had kids. I cry at the stupidest shit. I guess giving birth gave me a heart. Enjoy every little milestone. Before you know it they're 11 yrs old and able to out sarcasm you.

Nan S. said...

Congrats on your new baby girl. Your blog made me cry, probably because I found out yesterday that my beloved 39 year old step-daughter is preggers and over the moon. Crying is good when the reason is good. Love your blog, check it every so often, you make me laugh. Anyone with a sense of humor as twisted as yours will be THE BEST MOM EVER!

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

W.O.W. So glad you survived that and that your baby is healthy and thriving! Congrats and take care of yourself, that shit is intense even though nobody ever properly explains exactly how intense. You're a star.