Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Oh, The Holidays..Part 2 And So On

Okay, I was finally able to get away from that little bastard from my last post...

This week has been hectic and hellish.

Thanksgiving in the boondocks was great. Fried Turkey is my new boyfriend, don't tell The Other Half.
I did have one "country livin' " faux pas though:

It was 5:30 in the morning when all of a sudden I hear a BOOOOM!!! I thought a transformer blew but I could still see the street lights. Then I heard BOOM BOOOOOM CRACK CRACK BOOM!! Oh SHIT, They're shooting outside!!! I ran into the living room where my father-in-law to-be was watching TV and announced loudly:
They're BUCKIN' (shooting, for the ebonically challenged)...GET DOWN!!!
He calmly looked over at me and said:
Baby, huntin' season starts today around here..it's okay..you're safe here...
I know he must have thought I was dumb as a box of fucking rocks..hell, where I'm from..shooting is NOT good.

The Other Half was a groomsman in YET ANOTHER wedding that was not our own.
I would just like to say for the record that After Hours Formal Wear can kiss my entire ass..they are so ass-backwards there. When we got there, he tried the (horribly ghetto, cream colored, knee length) tuxedo jacket on...great, it's about 3 sizes too big...uh, didn't they measure you TOH?? of course they did..but I guess they were high when they did it.
Apparently they also took his hip measurement as his waist measurement so the pants were hovering dangerously around his lower ass crack. Nice.
Instead of re-measuring him, The lady behind the counter just looked at him and said "I got it, we'll make the changes, come back tomorrow"....WTF???

So we left and tried to go on with our weekend...

TOH went to the bachelor party and I went with my pregnant friend to spend the night in Columbia so we could wake up like jackasses and shop on Friday morning...what the hell wee we thinking???

Friday afternoon TOH goes back to Crackhead Formal Wear and guess what...THE JACKET STILL DOES NOT FIT!! Could it be that the "eagle eyed" broad behind the counter didn't measure the shit the last time?? Could Be.
She had the nerve to tell him to come back A THIRD TIME!! I'm thinking to myself: Ok..this tux will be SO free!!

Finally the next day, TOH gets the tux..and we meet up at the church..I have to admit it all came together quite well considering it was a cream tux with a long jacket..did I tell you the wedding party was 40 people strong?? How pretentious. My people can be so ghetto, I swear.
I promise you, about half of them sang a damn song during the wedding..I started to think we were at a concert for god's sake.
The groom even sang..yeah, you heard right. He sounded horrible but I thought it was so cute that he loved her enough to sing her down the aisle.
Speaking of God..the visiting preacher started speaking in tongues during one of the 4000 prayers..kinda scary.

At one point, one of the four HIRED singers had backup singers..WTF?? I can't even recall any vows being said ....all that damn singing....my head was pounding.
The wedding programs had ALL sorts of misspellings such as TOOKED for took and REALAYZED for realized. WTF?? I looked at the credits and some ghetto "design" company had done the programs..ooookaaayy, Spell Check much??
I wouldn't had paid for that shit, you can rest assured.

After the wedding we found our way to the reception..more ghettoness. We sat there for 30 minutes before anybody even said anything about food being served..jeeeees!! Once we got through the buffet line we were already contemplating Taco Bell value meals...Is that SUPPOSED to be roast beef??..looked nasty and tasted worse..the ushers and bridesmaids were hoarding the chicken wings in the back of the kitchen like vultures and the fruit was all old and mushy....this is why I'm thinking of eloping.

We left there and went to TOH's brother's house about an hour away. His new baby is absolutely fabulous and I'm going to steal her. TOH is totally in love with her but refused to admit that he wanted us to have a baby too..Men.
We spent the night and had lunch with them before leaving for home.....HERE'S WHERE EVERYTHING WENT BAT SHIT:

On the way out of the driveway I realized I left my purse at their house so I ran back to get it...TOH then realizes that he can't find his wallet..that contains everything including his birth certificate (??)....no big deal we think..maybe it's in his jeans in the trunk (we went straight back to CrackHead Formal Wear and returned the tux and he changed into his street clothes in their dressing room)

We tore the car apart

We tore our luggage apart

We tore the guest room and bathroom apart

shit

shit

shit

Somewhere in the last 1000 miles, he has lost a wallet that had pretty much EVERYTHING in it..including MY FUCKING CHECK CARD!!!!(long story, don't ask)

We drove an hour out of our way in an attempt to retrace our steps..nothing

Since then I have called the church, the stupid tux place, 3 gas stations and mall security..still nothing. TOH is pissed, he swears he put it in the car door compartment at the church so he wouldn't have to carry it in his tux..he says he might have had it in his pocket at the tux place when he returned it...but...he can't remember

I already called the Crackhead Tux Joint several times, they claim they still can't find it...Idiots.

Anyway, I've tried to not act pissed about the wallet around TOH, it was his birthday when this happened.
I cancelled my check card yesterday and TOH seems to be dragging his feet about canceling all of his stuff..keep it up jackass..let 'em steal your identity, fool.

So we had a good time until Sunday..then it sucked ass..awww hell.

I'm still forming my refund request letter for After Hours Formal Wear..I'll let you know how that goes.

1 comment:

Riotgrrlwargasm said...

Sounds like quite a wedding!

I'm telling you, if Hubby and I decided to wait any longer to try and save up money to have a nice wedding, we'd still be single. We already were engaged for two years, and broke as hell the whole time.

We finally just decided, fuck it, let's just get married. We're never going to be able to afford to do it "right." Then we set the date three and a half weeks away and held it in my mom's back yard--it was pot-luck and everyone brought a dish. The morning of the event my sisters and I went down to the farmer's market and bought an assload of exotic flowers for cheap, our attendees brought disposable cameras for whoever wanted to take pictures, and we asked people to give money for our honeymoon instead of gifts.

I thought it was super, but of course it was clumsily executed. The judge was so old he couldn't read our ceremony--actually he was the last-minute replacement for the idiot who cancelled on us about a week before our wedding. Then we forgot to coordinate the music and our entrance until 5 minutes before we walked out and my sister botched it. We had no wedding party to help us so we forgot to do things like POSE FOR FAMILY PHOTOS, so we have a bunch of shitty sun-bleached disposable camera shots. And to top it off it was 107 degrees with like 800% humidity!

We're glad we did it though, and we only shelled out about $500 bucks for absolutely everything from the license and judge fees to my polka-dotted dress to my homemade invites and thank-yous.

We raked in like two grand for our honeymoon so we hopped up into Big Red the pickup truck and drove north to the Superior National Forest, collecting a load of camping gear along the way.

I'm telling you, this is the way to do it! It rocked!