Friday, December 31, 2010

Because I am A Raging Dumbass, That's Why

Christ God, I need to post here more regularly..or something.
Ok so a couple of weeks ago, I decided to ACCIDENTALLY nearly kill myself and the baby..because I was sleepy and shit.

For the past three years I've been on insulin two types of insulin (Before that I was on oral medication for my Type 2 Diabetes but that crap gives babies birth defects).

Up until the other night, I'd never had a problem with the dosages...but I'm stupid or something.

Earlier that day my blood sugar had been low twice and all I wanted to do was sleep. I fixed the low blood sugar issues and took a 4 times.
Later on in the evening, I ate some dinner and went back to bed. I woke up at about 11:30pm knowing that I had to take my "night time" dosage of Lantus (a "long acting" insulin) and a little snack because I had already taken my normal 3 mealtime dosages of Novalog (a "fast acting" insulin)...well, um..err,um

Instead of taking 75 units of the LONG ACTING, I stood right there in my kitchen and shot up 75 units of the FAST ACTING insulin (which I'm only supposed to take 30 units of) ...
yeah.."oh shit" is right.
AS SOON as I noticed what I did, I speed dialed the Kaiser Permanente Advice Nurse and explained to her what I did...all the while, trying to hold my already fragile shit together.

She made me eat a whole bunch of crap like bread, apples and peanut butter and constantly test my blood sugar while she called my OB/GYN and then my Internist on the other line. When she got back on the phone she asked if my husband was there...

Me: Yes, why?
Huh? wha?
Oh hell....
So I wake him up out a deeeeep sleep, screaming some shit about calling 911 and get your shoes on..poor guy.
I tried to tell the nurse that I could literally see the hospital from my front door and that an ambulance wasn't necessary but she wasn't falling for such bullshit and made them come anyway...sigh...even the responding Paramedic asked me if I just wanted to have my husband drive me over there..when the nurse heard that she flipped her shit again...double sigh.
So there I am, dressed in the worst outfit I have ever thrown together, hair flying in 42 different directions, out in 30 degree weather, riding in the back of an ambulance for ONE WHOLE MILE..damn it all to hell, that one mile will cost me $100 - Thanks Kaiser Healthcare.
They put me in a nice little private room in the ER..(it had a TV and everything) so that they could monitor and poke on me.

Sadly, the kitchen was closed by the time I got there so they tried to feed me a cold ham sandwich...ummm, 'scuse me Nurse Lady, ever heard of LISTERIA!!?!!
She was all "oh, my bad"..and then proceeded to bring me an assload of graham crackers, apple juice, saltines and the nastiest ass tubs of Smuckers peanut butter I have ever eaten (gag)...they should stick to making jelly.
I probably would have caused a scene and got all diva-like..but I was worried that my mug shot would have looked like the female version of this:

And you know damn well, I couldn't go out like that....

Besides, a couple of the ER nurses looked like Chicago Bears line-backers and no one wants a mugshot like this one either:

What exactly the fuck was going THERE??
Anyway, I spent the next 7 hours watching TV and eating birthday cake from the nurse's station..because that's the level of care that they provide at my local hospital..nothing but THE BEST for me and my baby.
My poor husband tried to tough it out on the plastic chairs in the room for a few hours but I finally made him go home to try to get some sleep.
He tried to put on the obligatory "oh Honey, I can't leave you" face but I knew he burned rubber out of the parking lot on the way home that morning.
Finally my blood sugar stabilized and they cut me loose. The ER doctor told me not to take any insulin for the rest of the day..(because I obviously cannot be trusted with a syringe).
Fine by me, all I did was eat, sleep and watch TV all day..yay me.

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