Wednesday, December 08, 2010


I'm starting to think that pregnancy is all about piss...

EVERY time I go to the OB/GYN, I have to piss in a cup..every. damn.'s stupid but I guess it's necessary..or something

Last week, the doctor claimed to need a big ole jug of my piss for testing purposes. The thought of this made me dry heave..but he IS a doctor after all.
I went to the lab and was handed a lovely BRIGHT ORANGE piss jug in a way too small BRIGHT BLUE plastic bag...oh, so subtle.
I took it home and sat on the toilet trying to figure out just how the fuck I was supposed to maneuver:
1) All this ass
2) That big ole jug
3) A bathroom the size of a phone booth

Because I've been to WAY too many High School parties, a red plastic cup came to mind..still..big ass, small bathroom..potential disaster...or pissaster..(ok, I'll understand if you slap the taste out of my mouth over that one.)
Anywhooo, for a full 24 hours, I pissed into a cup, gagged, poured piss into a big cup, gagged again, screamed and cried while I rinsed the cup out with shower gel, bleach and scalding hot bathtub water and oh..get HAD TO STAY IN THE REFRIGERATOR!! All nice and chilled like a summer time beverage.


I had that thing bagged up like a dead body the whole time..It kept me up that night wondering if it had a leak in it...I swear, if it did, I would have bought a whole new refrigerator for that place..and we rent!
I tried to be invisible as possible while standing in line at the lab the next day..but noooo..the broad at the desk took one look at me and my "special little bag" and commenced to slapping on a bright blue latex glove...bitch..what is it with Kaiser Healthcare and these bright ass colors??

Then, if that wasn't bad enough, I went to the Perinatologist (because I'm old-like and have health issues) and they required yet another piss sample..but THIS place didn't have all kinds of cute little ledges for you to place your piss covered, itty bitty cup on...they didn't even have the little trap door thingie..(ugh, ghetto?)
So there I was, teetering over the toilet in this weird , badly lit bathroom, the nurse patiently waiting outside for me to hurry the fuck up, quads burning because I'm a lazy ass, trying to hold my pants and panties out of the piss stream with one hand, too small cup in the other,holding my shirt and sweater under my chin, head swirling from being at that weird angle for that long..and it happened..I dribbled a little on the back of my pants and panties...*gag* GOD DAMN IT ALL!!!
I teetered the cup on the slick ass sink edge - praying that it wouldn't slide off and splash all over the fucking floor..because really, that would have killed me...
I tried to blot my clothes...then I took to using the hand soap and hard ass paper towels..shiiiiit damnitttttt fuckinnn helll.
The nurse was all "Are you ok?"..and because I'm a wonderful actress, I said "Oh, just FIIIINE!".
I'm convinced that I smelled like a Skid Row wino for the rest of the exam...


And because the universe likes to kick me in the face, I found out today that they ran the wrong test on my first jug of piss and now they need ANOTHER one...

I'm almost afraid to ask "what next?"..because with my luck, it will probably be a stool sample....


valerie said...

awww, that sucks!
I had to do the big jug thing two, with both of my kids. The first one was in the hospital so I didn't know that's what they were doing. The second I had to do at home to get a "baseline" of something having to do with my blood pressure. Heck if I know. I got out of having to do another by having a preemie. :P

Mariah said...

I adore your cynical way of dealing with pregnancy. (: