Damn You Santa

Guess what I got for Christmas.....

Yep, food poisoning. And it seems like I was the only one who got it..TOH is probably trying to kill me for the insurance money.

Yesterday, since I had the day off, I laid around and ate leftover food from Christmas day..big mistake.
I think it was the cornbread dressing..it seemed a little moist for my taste (probably bacteria masking itself as chicken stock) but my fat ass ate it anyway.
That was at around 12:30 pm...by 3:30 pm, I woke up and was a little delirious but just shook it off and blamed it on hunger.
So then I ate a fajita with fixings from Christmas Eve..with sour cream AND cheese...more mistakes for me, thanks.
It seems that I fell back into another daze of some sort and when TOH came home at 5:00 pm, he said I looked weird and tired.."oh bollocks", I said and claimed that I was just a little confused from sleeping all day. He was hungry so we went to the sports bar down the street and I ate a loaded, greasy baked potato and picked at a cheeseburger..do you see a pattern developing???
I went to bed around 10:00 pm after eating 3 little vanilla sandwich cookies and my stomach hurt a little..I shrugged it off until:

1:30 am: It felt like somebody had kicked me in the ribs..not cute
2:00 am: In tears, begging TOH to wake up and rub my stomach..*insert half ass rubbing here* he's a massage therapist for shit's sake and this is all I get!! I tried to drink some soda and chew a Pepcid..not a good idea..
2:10 am thru 6:30 am: Gas pain, bloating and projectile vomiting (oh, good times) TOH, poor thing, tried to help me but I think I screamed at him to "stop touching me"..."and turn off that DAMN light"..must remember to apologize to him today.

I do my best to avoid vomiting at all costs..hell, I can't even watch it on TV..how am I going to have kids???
So you can imagine my apprehension to even move in the slightest way because that would bring on the sweats and the watery mouth..yeck.

On top of all that, I had to work today..and people will NOT leave me alone..I should have called out sick...maybe tomorrow.

Oh..and I saw Belly in the parking lot today with a fat ass bag of greasiness when I was walking in..I can taste the bile as I type..*passing out*

WTF???? It's Nearly 2008 For God'sSake

I just spoke to a caller that had no idea what the hell was going on...I wonder how she keeps a job.

She had to actually LOOK UP her social security number!!

I asked her to press the ENTER key on the far right hand side of the keyboard (on the keypad). I'm connected to her computer so I can see her screen and I see her mouse moving around near the clock. so I say:
Me: Ma'am, could you please press the right enter key?
Her: I don't see an enter key on the screen
Me: (thinking) WTF???
Me: Ma'am, it's on your keyboard..on the right..it says ENTER
Her: Oh, that thing
Me: Could you please enter the last 5 of your social?
Her: Huh?..wait, I have to look it up
Me: (thinking)..really..WTF??

I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe she was new to this country, but she didn't have an accent....huh?

I once had to explain what the SPACEBAR was to a caller..my hand to God

I Swear...An UPDATE

I am such a fucking shadetree mechanic *wiping sweat from her brow with a greasy rag*

So after three tries with the jumper cables, some really helpful (who knew?) advice and assistance from Meat Hooks and two requests to "please help me push into into/out of the parking space", I FINALLY GOT THE CAR STARTED!!!

I took a look at the manual, figured out the relay fuse box, switched out the fuel pump fuse with a spare and damn if that bitch didn't start purring like a kitten..ok, maybe a kitten with whooping cough, Bronchiectasis and tar covered lungs but a kitten nonetheless.

Maybe I should get a show on DIY or HGTV. I could cover topics such as:

How to start a piece of shit..with no money
What to do if you see smoke billowing from the a/c vents (Hint: roll down windows)
How to change a faulty power window relay (see above..it was a long day)
How to neglect your paint job until the spoiler starts to look like a dried out glazed donut
Let's play the "How did that hole get there?" game
Drag racing to the grocery store..for dummies

My Nielsen ratings will be through the roof I tell ya!!!

I can finally have a happy birthday..I think...oh my Jesus..somebody is walking over here with a balloon bouquet...must.hide.under.desk.....

I Swear....

If just ONE MORE bad thing happens....

Ok, maybe I shouldn't anger the gods by saying that....

Yesterday after I made an appointment for a free consultation with a bankruptcy lawyer, the thought of which is worse than fingernails across a chalkboard, my car decided that it did not want to start...because it is an asshole..and it hates me.

It's my birthday today..35 years old..I'll try to muster up some happiness since my co-workers are having a breakfast in my honor..I'm sure the Ghost Of Belly Past will smell his way over here and inhale all the donuts..since he got promoted he keeps hanging around..yeck..like I need that today.
Let me try to paint a picture of his antics lately:
Let's say Belly's new desk is in..Rhode Island.
The exit door closest to his car is in...New York.
Where we sit is in ...Texas.
Instead of taking the quickest, easiest route, this jackass decides that a daily trip through Texas for shits and giggles..then he makes it extra special by walking around with this sad ass look on his face, souting some shit about how he "misses being over here".....go away already!!

Anyway..I guess I'll try jumper cables today at lunch..fucking great.

Last Night A DJ Saved My Life

Well, not last night exactly....

Like Sofia said from The Color Purple: " I was feelin' mighty low Miss Celie"

Yesterday I was turned down for a debt consolidation loan (for the 3rd time in as many years) from my company's Credit Union...fuckers. It seems that the reason they turned me down was:

Excessive credit obligations in relation to income

Current/past delinquent credit history

Well duh, assholes, that's why I was asking for help!!!!
And to top things off, I received an email notice stating that my wages would be garnished for the next 6 months because of a REALLY old debt to Best Buy that was bought by a scavenger debt collector/"law office". $294 per paycheck.
Great, what next? I figure I'll be homeless by the New Year....ok, that may be a little dramatic, but still....

Well this morning after breaking down whilst brushing my teeth I got in the car to go to the job I'm starting to resent when what do I hear coming out of the speakers???

Proud Mary by Ike and Tina
Oh.My.God......I LOVE this song!!! I'm sure people at the stop light thought I was having a seizure..fuck 'em
Then he played Nutbush City Limits..oh.my.gravy...I love that one even more.

So by now I'm pulling in to the parking lot feeling a whole lot better so when that song ends, I change the station only to hear my NEW favorite song:

Hate On Me by Jill Scott..I actually started to cry..I know, I am such a sap

I love how music can change your whole outlook on things. I'm still between a rock and a sharp, jagged hard place but at least I'm feeling like I can make things better..hopefully without filing for bankruptcy.....

Type 2 Diabetes Can Suck It

I cried in the doctor's office on Monday.....

Why? Because my diabetic condition is getting worse...and because it's my fault....and because it just has this way of being great and on the upswing one year, then totally fucked the next year...and because I'm fucking tired of it...and it didn't help that the doctor was chastising me...I do enough of that to myself.

I ate a tortilla with melted cheese from the microwave at 11:45 am...My doctor's appointment was at 3:45 pm, they tested my blood sugar at a little after 4:00 pm..and my test showed 226!!!! what the fuck???

I know what you're saying, "Well maybe if you would just stop eating carb filled tortillas and shit..blah blah blah
I've been beaten over the head repeatedly with the whole carb thing..I'll admit it, I'm a rebel and I think that eating all that weird Fatkins food is ridiculous....

The doctor upped my dose of glyburide to 20mg a day instead of 10 mg..We'll see if that helps, if it doesn't she said that I would have to be put on insulin..yay..great.

Funny enough, if I want to get pregnant, I'll need to be put on insulin anyway...and I can look forward to a really big baby..woo hoo for me and my vagina.

And another thing..stress can make your blood sugar high..I'm nothing if not stressed..wonderful.

More Cards..sheesh

I begrudgingly made some more...do you ever get to where you actually HATE doing your "craft" ?? I feel like it's a burden sometimes..can ya tell I'm on my period?

I swear, there's some glitter....

Me And My Crafty Ass

Ok, as promised, here are the pics of the cards I made all packaged up for sale to my ungrateful co-workers..
Be nice, I'm a delicate flower ya know...ok, maybe not.

Some of them seem a little blurry..I must have really been smokin' the crack those days.

I cut EVERY damn piece for these two..BY HAND DAMMIT!!
OOOOO Glitter..I just realized that you probably can't see the glitter..crack is whack..Did ya notice, she has a REAL jinglebell on her ass end..dammit, it fell out of place

The Sizzix machine is my new lover..yay mittens I promise, there's glitter on these..somewhere..yep, more cutting by hand here...

At this point, I'm too tired (lazy) to post the inside sentiments of the cards...just call me slack ass.


I also make birthday and thank you cards..when I feel like it...

Leave Me Alone, I'm Crafting!!

So I haven't posted anything in a couple or few days..I'm busy making christmas cards..yes, I'm a crafter and I'm proud of it..sometimes.

I made the mistake of bringing my Sizzix machine in to work..you would have thought I bought a purple, double ended dildo in or something...oh, and Meat Hooks nearly lost his shit when he saw it...."ooooh Linka...what's THAT??"
I noticed yesterday that someone had been touching and moving shit on my desk (yes, I have a knack for that)..It was probably his stupid ass, and yes, I DID wipe the handle down with antibacterial wipes..and acid.

Maybe if I get up the courage, I'll post some pics of my cards..maybe.

Yaayy..Thanksgiving??

I hope everyone had a great holiday..mine, as usual was hectic.

Me, TOH and a gaggle of others (TOH's best friend, his friend's wife(of Cold Stone Nastery fame), their baby, his wife's sister, her two kids and their cousin) headed out to TOH's hometown on Thursday morning..great, a 3 car caravan..in the rain..oh, good times.

It was good to see the in-laws (they soil me and TOH is jealous..ha ha) but I can only stay in the country a couple of days before all that nature starts to get on my nerves..what the fuck could those crickets NEED at this time of night...are those gunshots..again??..WTF??

I knew that we would be doing the whole Black Friday thing again..and this year we had a four-person crew.
Why oh why do I subject myself to this every year you say?...$3.98 crock pots from Wal-Mart, that's why dammit!!
And if that wasn't bad enough, Lowes had bigger, prettier, name brandier ones for $9.99 for shit's sake..somehow we ended buying 5 of those..one of which is to be wrapped up and given to me and my friend's sister for Christmas..my friend wants us to feign surprise and glee when we open them on Christmas day..yes, we're weird like that.
Ok so the list went:
Wal Mart - Which was a surprisingly smooth shopping experience AND checkout was a fucking dream..who knew??
Lowes - Did I mention $9.99 Crock Pots??..oh yeah, I did
Target - Talk about cluster-fuck..we were in line FOREVER..actually we split up into two lines because we figured we had some sort of system..we're dumb though..I got a $6 top and some Carmex..what a waste.
Michael's - Woo Hoo..$5 collage frames, with a 20% coupon!!
Home Depot - My friend's cousin bought a pneumatic nailer and a table saw...looks dangerous but You Go Girl!!
Old Navy - Even though they're bastards for discontinuing the Plus Size stuff in the stores, I found some really cute cords in the Misses section that fit perfectly for $15 a pair..O had to buy them in 3 different colors..Spender's Anonymous here I come...but thank god, we missed the "morning rush" this time. Last year we stood in line for 45 minutes.
Various Stores In Some Rinky Dink Backwoods Mall - I was so delirious from sleep deprivation at this point, I'm not even sure if I bought anything..wait!!
Ashley Stewart - A lot of things in this store look like something out a black gospel church fashion show (feathers and zebra print and such) but I found a rack labeled $5.98..my heart started to beat hard..why am I sweating?? Because I found two "$40" dresses on that rack, that's why!!
Goodwill..two of them - My friend is all about the Goodwill store. I appreciate that they all smell good, unlike most thrift stores that smell like stale ass.
Staples - they can go straight to hell..I've been eyeballing a Panasonic phone system for a year now (our current piece of Motorola bullshit has gone all defective on us..the "on" and several other important buttons no longer function) and good god!! I saw that they had one listed for $50 in their sales flyer! *clutching the pearls* so I nag and complain the whole morning so that my friend will NOT miss this store and when I get there..they only have ONE left..so I take it up to the front to check out and the broad says "That comes to $98.60", uh..como se wha? Then she tries to hand me some "Easy Rebate" card bullshit..I had to catch myself from choking her and cursing loudly and said "what's this?".."Uh, that's how you get it for $50..and it may take 4-5 weeks"..let's just say I needed a "time out" in the car for a while after that...with no phone

Honorable Mentions:
Circuit City and Best Buy - (You've got to be kidding me right?..these hell pits are crowded on a REGULAR day, so we just drove by and pointed and laughed at the dummies camping out)
Linens-N-Things - sigh...I couldn't even afford the bedding when it was on sale for shit's sake..being poor is SO not cute.

I wanted to hit a couple of more stores but at that point, we had been in and out of an over-packed, over-crowded crossover SUV for more than 8 hours and everyone was tired, loopy and hungry. Then we got into a "discussion" about children and parental discipline..I'm sure I would have been better off starting a conversation about the joys of abortion with a pro-lifer.

I could feel a fist fight brewing..time to drive an hour back to my Mother-in-law's house in the backwoods of hell and nap..and eat..and nap again because being a tech support slave, I had to be back to work on Saturday morning..fuckers.

I drove the four hours back home BY MYSELF but not before visiting MIL at the store where she works and racking up on cute stuff..which she paid for "because your birthday is next month", she said (Did I mention that I just LOUURRVE my MIL??) ..TOH stayed behind to visit with his family and they've been mad at him all weekend for letting me go back alone..nanny nanny boo boo, they like ME more than you (sorry, I'm sleepy).

And wouldn't ya know that when I tried to call everyone to tell them that I made it home safely, the aforementioned piece of shit phone seems to have sensed that I was flirting with a new phone and decided to go completely bat shit..now the "2" and "5" buttons must be jammed until your finger breaks..at least I can call 911..oh wait, no I can't because the fucking "On" button won't allow you to!!!..great...happiness.

What Next??...Locusts

Well if the whole "living without hot water for a whole damn week" ordeal was not enough, now we've got a fucking flood in the kitchen..great.

TWO NIGHTS ago, I noticed that when I was rinsing a dish, the water on both sides of the sink started to rise..what the?
So I turned on the garbage disposal...bad idea, water shot 3 feet in the air on the other side of the sink.
Then the dishwasher started to fill with backed up, black, sink water..mmm, tasty.
I freaked out, called TOH who was out drinking with friends..yeah, I know..men. Well, I told (demanded) him to bring some Draino home..of course he forgot to..then claimed that I never asked him to..huh?

ANY DAMN WAY.....

I called the land-lady and told her to have a plumber sent out ASAP..obviously ASAP doesn't mean what I think it does because she hemmed and hawed ALL the next day speculating that maybe it was the city's fault..or maybe it was a sewer backup..or maybe aliens did it.
Meanwhile, I've got nasty, smelly, greasy, standing water and filthy dishes everywhere...call a fucking plumber lady!!

Last night at around 11pm (after no word from ANYBODY), I noticed that the water that receded in the sink was now filling up the dishwasher and said water was now FLOWING freely from every crack in the dishwasher..all over the damn floor...* Insert more panic from me here*
I left a frenzied message for that broad and got to work.

While I'm standing there, bailing water like we're on the Titanic, I'm SCREAMING for TOH to help me..and screaming..and calling..no TOH..what in the Blue Fuck???
I ran into the bedroom to find his ass sleeping..soundly and peacefully.
Of course I couldn't let this continue so I kicked the frame of the bed..maybe a little too hard..and screamed for him to help me.
"wha..huh? huh wha?" is all he said as he followed me to the kitchen.

More water bailing and cussing from me and all he did was stand there..dazed and confused and pissing me off to the 'nth degree.
I asked him to call the land-lady again and he stood there some more then pressed some buttons on the phone..I'm not exactly sure what the fuck he was doing but then he finally found the number and put it on speaker. Voicemail..of fucking course...he then flings the phone on the counter and stands there some more.
Me: TOH, grab this bucket and dump it outside...
TOH: *Silence*
Before I said something that would potentially end our relationship, I told him that "I had it under control" and for him to go back to bed..I swear, if I didn't love him....

Land-Lady calls back claiming that she 'd been calling "her plumber" all day but his voicemail was full..whatever.
I told her that as usual, I would handle it but that she would have to pay for it.."OK" was all I got....

Cut to THIS MORNING

Of course, the plumber didn't get here until 9:45am (I was supposed to be at work at 9am) and land-lady has him on the phone for 15 minutes, again, attempting to assign blame. She actually waned him to save whatever was blocking the drain so she could see if it came from outside or inside the condo....

Crazy Bitch

He told her that was NOT possible because once he snaked it, it would probably go down the drain anyway..who cares?
Obviously, she does because she kept on...eventually he told her that he had to go.

I watched him undo the P-trap and push out the nastiest block of..ewwness, that I have ever seen.
He said it was probably from NOT HAVING HOT WATER constantly going through the drains but that maybe I shouldn't put grease in the sink..uh, I didn't..but oh well, at least I didn't have to pay the $205 he charged her to snake the pipe which looking back at it, could have been done for WAY cheaper. Again, oh well.

So I guess I'll spend the rest of my evening busting suds..with no help from TOH, of course.

My Land-Lady Is Strange

Ok so in my last post I talked a little about the cluster-fuck situation that we're in now that we've moved to the new condo...


For the past two months we've had nearly boiling hot water coming out of the hot side of the faucets and we were happy. Last week however, I noticed that the water was not really hot anymore and that it was FREEZING cold in the condo...because I was some sort of handyman in a former life, I decide to look in the utility room...hmm..it has a gas gauge on it..funny, so does the heater/furnace..wait, we were never told that there was a gas bill....yeah..the heffa never said a word..so for two full months, we've been under the impression that everything was running on electric..nope

Since we have some "credit issues", none of the major gas companies would accept us..panic mode..finally I was able to get service through something called a regulated provider..basically someone who you have to bend over for..and like it.
We had to put down $150 as a deposit and pay $1.25 per therm...oh did I mention the $9.00 customer service fee??...yeah, happiness.

Eww..The Gym

Me and the ol' ball and chain went to the gym last night..mostly so we could take a hot shower (more on that cluster-fuck situation later).

I walked 1.5 miles on the treadmill - thank God it's getting easier for me to do that distance. Having music and a magazine helps..having big sweaty men stare at you does not. Are they aware that they smell like mule crack??
The Other Half actually did a mile himself...for the first time ever...I believe he thinks the treadmill is girly or something..whatever.

Speaking of smelly, we lifted wights for a while, I am so cock-diesel..uh, not really but it felt good to be able to 1. figure out the weight machines and 2. be able to actually lift the weights.

Let me tell you a little about the ladies locker room in Bally's Total Shitness..I mean Fitness.
Everything in there is either (or a combination of):

Sharp
Rusty
Moldy
Dusty
Infected looking
Slimy

And yes, it only cost me $100 per year..$19 a month for the Husband (who rarely goes) So I guess you get what you pay for.

For some reason (oh, how 'bout NO hot water at home) I decided to take a shower in this hell hole..the whole time I was in there, I tried to NOT touch anything or let anything I owned touch anything..yes, quite difficult but after 3 days of whore baths, it was wonderful.

For some reason, I felt like I was in a horror movie though..lonely dark shower room, rusty, dripping fixtures..flimsy shower curtain..the whole time I was nervous that Jason Voorhees would rip the curtain back and slash my throat....but really I was more worried that I would get MRSA from the faucet(notice how that article mentions "athletic situations", yeck).

Note to self:
Burn shower shoes..and towel..and skin

P.S.
Why do nekked people always feel the need to speak to you in the locker room???

The End Of An Era..sniffle??

Wondering why I haven't posted anything since the 60's??

Well people, I have some bad news to break to you.....

Belly got a promotion will no longer be sitting next to me....

now, put that razor blade down...and come in off the ledge.

First of all I'm pissed that they gave him the job I wanted..assholes. And I'm also pissed that Annoying Old Song Guy (a.k.a Shorty) got one of the coveted positions too. Funny thing is, Shorty CONTINUALLY asks ME tech questions that he should be able to answer himself (being promoted and all)...life's a bitch huh?

What ever will I blog about??? There's always the infamous Meat Hooks, I guess.
You should see his stupid ass..walking up and down the aisles of our dept, wishing everyone farewell..you should see the looks on those poor people's faces..he's lingering far too long at each desk and he's making people uncomfortable....I think he's looking foraging for food like a grizzly bear.

Oh, how I'll miss Belly's fat stomach pressing up against my cubicle wall, and the tit staring, oh, what about the snot whistle and man-giggle?? He has recently added a deep wheezing/whooping cough sound to his laugh that I surely will NOT miss...

okay..really, this bastard needs to just GO AWAY!! Every time you think he's finally gone, the floor starts to shake and you realize that fat-ass is back in your cubicle..or he's "cleaning his cube"....I swear, he has cleaned that fucking thing 12 times today...oh great, now he's back to share some sushi..with A GUY...he's been over there for an hour...yeck..he just said that he would miss us..yeah, you'll miss my big lovelies....am I supposed to cry now or vomit??

GO AWAY..SHOO..GET THE FUCK ON!!

Ewww..May I Vomit?

Belly has gotten so incredibly fat that he was approved for an ergonomically "special" office chair.

Yes, a special, really expensive chair....for a fat ass...did you ever think it could be possible to have a 60 inch WAIST measurement with a 22 inch HIP measurement??..Well, meet Belly. You've got to look at him from the rear..it's fucking amazing.

Strangely, I'm jealous of his fabulous new chair..I'm going to request one too..just for shiggles..what?? I'm technically fat too...just not as fat as him... by any stretch.

So today while us Saturday workers were goofing off, I had the sudden urge to sit in the famous chair....as just as I was commenting on how comfy it was, my co-worker who'll we'll call Shut Your Damn Mouth, You Evil Bastard says: "You know... that's pretty much like you're sitting in his lap."

*dry heave*

Then as I was lurching/falling forward he adds: "Oh well, now that's like he's hitting you from the back"

*slightly moist heave followed by small amount of vomit in back of throat*

Note to self:
1. Have really cute, cuffed denim capris burned in vat of acid
2. Splash aforementioned acid on back of thighs
3. Schedule skin transplant

Hey, maybe if my thighs are burned, I could get one of those cool cushy chairs like Belly's....hmmm

I bet he'll need one of these soon...look at all the legs...so spidery
Oohh, this one is pretty

Enough With The Halloween Posts Already...

I'm still angry about Halloween. It was kind of a waste.

A few weeks ago, I stopped my neighbor, the soccer mom lady and explained that we had just moved in and I was wondering how Halloween "went" around here.
She made this big to-do about how they "Do it big" and how "everybody decorates" oh yeah, and how "there are SO many kids"...

Looks that the heifer lied to me...SHE WASN'T EVEN HOME..ALL NIGHT...should I go over there and slash the tires on her minivan?? Or would that be mean?

Maybe I should set my VERY large bag of UNUSED candy on fire on her doorstep...Yeah, taht sounds better.

YAAAAAY Halloween...????

4 bags of candy totaling 145 pieces - $12 (Even though I had coupons)

Light-up "Boo" sign thingie - $6.00 (Woo Hoo for clearance racks)

Having EXACTLY 5 children show up to your door - Fucking Priceless

Ok so after I got home from my day of Halloween hell, I was SO excited to see all the cute little babies in their costumes, coming to the door, saying "Trick or Treat, ma'am"....yeah right
Like I said before, 5 kids knocked...2 of them looked like college freshmen..facial hair and all.
I joked with one of them about being too old and he hung his head in shame and blamed his little brother for "making" him come over...I gave him candy anyway...they got at least 25 pieces each...this neighborhood sucks, man.
I guess it's better than running out of candy and feeling bad for the poor babies.

Being hopeful, I kept my costume on until 9:30 pm..I know, I'm a dork

Happy Halloween...???

Have you ever dressed up for Halloween and everybody looks at you like you are stupid?

Today I came to work dressed in my BEST 50's era clothes (Cat eye sunglasses, FABULOUS stand up collar- cinched waist dress and big red flower pin, with red, patent leather, POINTY spectator pumps..etc) and while most people said I looked great, there were a few people (fuckin' haters) who gave me the "up AND down" look and said: "What are YOU supposed to be??"...uh,..wha??
One broad even walked up to me, gave me the look, then the question and when I half jokingly told her that my name for the day was "Bunny", her face screwed up and she said "Bunny!!???" like it smelled bad or something..what a bitch..get away from my desk, cow....

Then she had the NERVE to come back, hover around my cube and then say: "Hey..Why are you the ONLY one that dressed up???"...again, uh, wha? How do you answer a question like that??
Well bitch, it's probably because you stodgy asses around here suck..how's taht for an anser?

So now I'm sitting here all pissed off at myself for feeling like I'm trapped in my cube and for letting her make me feel bad.

Oh great, just now ANOTHER person came up and asked WHO I was supposed to be...*sigh*
Maybe I'll just tell them I'm the Black Lucille Ball..that should shut them the fuck up.

UPDATE;

As of right now, I've been speculated to be:

(The Black) Marilyn Monroe
(The Black) Joan Crawford
(The Black) Bette Davis (I have a cute little martini glass as one of my props)
(The Black) Madonna
Coretta Scott King (Actually that was kind of an honor)
and my personal favorite...
(The Black) Minnie Mouse..wait, I think she's really black

Thankfully, the other departments around here actually participate in such "frivilousness". I just came back from the costume contest with included no less than 2..count 'em 2 groups of pregnant devil/mummies....

oh, isn't Halloween fun??

Because I'm Hard Headed Jessie, That's Why

Ok so Jessie commented that players on blogs bug people..I'm a hard headed stubborn rebel so I decided to try one anyway..feel free to flame me in the comments section..it's just that I'm SO DAMN BORED being stuck here on Saturdays...poor me

but doesn't it look cool though?? huh?? Are songs actually playing though??

Goofing Off At Work On A Saturday

Since the "powers that be" at my job decided to block Imeem.com (fuckers), I was forced to go to a sad little website called esnips.com to find music...*sigh*

ok, so I TRIED to insert a little music player here..and some shit about html tags kept popping up...I dunno..I'm bored.

Scary Lamb

That lamb puppet thingie from Baby Einstein - Lullaby Time scares the stink out of me...

He/she has this weird, wide eyed, crazy look on his/her face and it makes my skin crawl..and did you see when he/she tried to kiss the other puppet character thingie?? His/Her mouth was all open like they were frenching..or maybe Lamb thingie is a cannibal.

Just look at it..scary huh?

And no, I haven't been drinking or shooting heroin..yet

That's Gonna Hurt In The Morning

Me and the husband went to the gym last night.
Since I'm scheduled off of work Sun-Wed, I prepared for this trip by festering on the sofa, watching soap operas and eating popcorn all day. (I am SUCH an athlete!!)

He came straight from work so I got there before him...well actually, I planned it that way so I could shop at Joann's without him knowing...I guess I made some sort of promise not to spend money this week or some shit...he drugged me I tell ya!!
I bought this really obnoxious light up Halloween thing that spells out BOO!..freaking hilarious and he would SO not approve of it...what?? it was on clearance!!(pictures later)

Anywhoooo, I was on the treadmill when he walked in..god, I love that man..except when I want to kill him in his sleep, but that's normal right??
I wanted to warn him about being completely out of shape and remind him of the last time those "younger guys kicked his ass" before he went to the basketball court but he probably would have said I was chastising him... blah blah fuckin' blah..
So I let him go...I could see him through a bay of windows behind the treadmills and he looked all sexy and stuff..he's no Michael Jordan but he made a few baskets, how yummy..however, a few minutes later he wandered back over to me at the treadmills, drenched in sweat, panting and begging for a sip of my Gatorade..the nice frosty one that I pre-froze earlier that day..that was all good and slushy in the middle.

Would it have been mean for me to deny him?? Mean yes, Funny?..Absolutely, but I let him have it. I'm such a giver..yeah, uh sure.

I looked down and realized that I had waled TWO DAMN MILES without even noticing it. I have NEVER walked two miles at one time..ever. Thanks O Magazine and the song Percolator by Cajmere for distracting me enough to get through it.

We then went to the weight room..cuz I guess that's just the natural progression or some shit.
Someone please explain why it's necessary to smell like ass crack and potted meat when you lift weights?? The smell in there alone motivated me enough to rush through the battery of exercises my personal trainer (aka my number yelling husband) forced me through..(3 sets of 10..wtf for??)
Speaking of personal trainers, I watched in fascinated horror as this poor woman worked out with hers on that evil stair stepper thing. HER FACE was actually pressed up against the display as if to say.."I. just. can't. go. on"..but the trainer just kept "encouraging" her. Poor thing

It was fun to spend time together though...we then went home and ate greasy rotisserie chicken with butter laden, super sodiumed rice and washed it all down with lots of cookies..we are SO healthy!!!

Embarrassing Yourself At Work..A How To Guide

So, remember when I posted that I loved the Love Is A Battlefield video earlier??

Well how 'bout I tell you the story of how I caught myself doing the ENTIRE DANCE SCENE in my cubicle yesterday.....I had help from my co-worker who I'll call Emotionally Bankrupt (she's so dry and sarcastic that I think I may have a slight girl-crush on her). Sadly, we both knew all the moves...and the dialog

And I call Belly a geek...

Men (Boys) Are Stupid - A Continuing Series

Well The Other Half had his boxers in a bunch over some man-spat he and his friend had last night...damn him...looks like we're going to miss the weekly barbecue this guy and his wife have because of it....of course alcohol was involved but god forbid I point that out to him, no, I get the ugly face and all of a sudden I'm the "bad guy"..I mean girl..whatever

Would it be wrong of me to choose ribs and baked beans over my new husband and go by myself??? Maybe so huh?

Me and my damn conscience!!! Looks like it'll be just me, him and a bag of stale Doritos...

We are so exciting and sexy, I know you wish you could be US right?

Belly Might Be A Superhero...HA

Today while Meat Hooks was making his way over to touch my shit, Miss Thang Don't Play sent me a warning email that said:

put up what you don't want him touching!!!

Good thing my Outlook was minimized because as she pointed out from past experience: Belly likes to eyeball my screen

I'm not sure how in the fuck he can see really small text from that far away, Miss Thang theorized it was his thick ass glasses..I say he has a bionic eye

We spent the rest of the afternoon imagining Belly as a superhero again...Dum Da Da Dum!!! It's Captain Fat As Fuck!!

Able to inhale large buffet tables in a single bound.....
(I nearly pissed myself today over that one)

And let's not forget his trusty sidekick: FingerprintMan!!!
Like a stealthy hunting tracker, FingerprintMan can fondle your leather desk set and tell when your last bowel movement was.....texture and size too!!

Is it obvious that we have absolutely NOTHING to do around here???

Meat Hooks Is Possibly A Woman....

I accidentally noticed that Meat Hooks had a camel toe today...I mean there was NO SIGN of his manhood..anywhere...his belt buckle sits approximately 3 inches under his Adam's apple too....

I've been laughing since 9 am

I LOVE This Video

UPDATE...I had to delete this freaking video..because it kept playing by itself every time I went to view my blog....WTF???

but here's the link:

http://profile.imeem.com/RM1zq4/video/d5qPHIHe/pat_benatar_love_is_a_battlefield_music_video/

anywhoo:

Just had to tell somebody....

Ok, what's both mean and funny to me is thinking about how OLD Pat was when she made this video...and she was supposed to be playing what?? A teenager...how sad..But I STILL love this video...I wanted to run away just like her when this video came out..but I was scared of my mom though...oh, Good Times.

Meat Hooks Might Get Killed This Week

Ok dude,

It's one thing to come over to my desk today and fondle my can opener like you had never seen one before...my fucking dollar store can opener...it was red and shiny though....

But it's a whole 'nother thing to spread your weird shit to a different co-worker.

I sit next to a lady we'll call "Miss Thang Don't Play". Suffice it to say..this broad doesn't take shit..from anybody, and her cussing skills could make a trucker blush.

I love her....

Anywhoo, during the latest of Meat Hook's numerous walkabouts, he sauntered by Miss Thang Don't Play's desk and noticed something on her desk...I saw the gleam in his eye and you could almost feel his pulse quickening..yeck...he reached over the high wall of her cubicle, and PICKED UP HER NAIL POLISH!!!!

Why would he possibly need to touch her nail polish??? It's a good thing that she was on a call, because his ass would have been ripped to shreds otherwise...

After he had sufficiently fondled the bottle and noted the color (Pink Chiffon #12) he walked away. Her phone call ended and she looked over at me and said:

"What in the blue fuck is hiiiiiis problem????!!??"

All I could say was: " I told you so"

We spent the next hour laughing and gagging while we imagined him painting his crusty toenails tonight.

The Meat Hook Chronicles....

Today it was my ruler....


Belly has a habit of beating us over the head with little "news of the weird" clips and stories. Today he wouldn't leave us the fuck alone about this stupid story about a little dog...sigh..Belly was SO damn excited by this....


Belly: Ooo Ooo look!! look!! Look at this tiny dog!! ( I hate it when men say "tiny")

Rest Of The Pod Farm: Yeah..look at it


Then here comes Meat Hooks...Meat Hooks has a tendency to not believe shit anybody has to say so he starts to dispute Belly's claims of this small dog and goes on and onabout how a dog can't be that small blah blah damn blah...


I'm sitting there minding my own business when Meat Hooks screams out:


"Who's got a ruler????!!!! Huh??!!! Who!!??...*gasp*..Linka!! I KNOW you have a ruler over there!!!"....

And before I could catch myself, I was handing my cool clear acrylic ruler over to his nasty ass...wtf?? That bastard tricked me I tell ya!!!

He just HAD to know where the 4 inch mark was (I was tempted to tell him to look in his pants but I refrained, because I'm a lady ya know)
After about five stupid minutes of stupid ass debate on what 4 inches looked like, I looked back to find Meat Hooks leaning over Belly's desk, fondling my ruler behind his back..eww, near his ass parts..yeck...*dry heave*

He finally handed it over to me..or at least he tried..I ignored him so long that he just sat it on my desk...where is my antibacterial gel..and blow-torch.....

Me And My Big Mouth....

It seems that I may have pissed off a VERY famous blogger (who shall remain nameless..for now).

I made a comment on one of her posts where she said that her very difficult child's outbursts and fits basically ruined a family trip.
All I said was that: a well timed ass whipping usually clears the air and makes for a lovely vacation...or something to that effect... and I also suggested that maybe she try being the boss instead of letting a child run roughshod all over her and her husband...

I don't think she was ready to "accept what I was offering"...ooops, uh, sorry.

She wrote me back and asked me if I had kids..I lied kinda..I'm the oldest of three and had the "privilege" of having to raise them since they were babies..bottles, diapers and everything..even though my mom was around, she worked a lot!!

Anywhooooo,
Since I was forced into this position, I felt like I did actually have kids and that I can comment on such things.
I think people these days are so caught up in being their child's friend that instead of being a parent, they're worried about hurting their feelings....uh, bullshit...when I was growing up, my parents were THE BOSS..end of discussion.
Yeah, sometimes it would have been nice, every once in a while, to live in a democratic-type household where all of our opinions were valued and where we could express ourselves and give opinions...and talk back...with sass mouth...but SORRY..we would have taken advantage of it, I'm sure.

I went to a friend's house once and she called her mom stupid..in anger....in front of everybody...all loud and shit...I actually ducked in the anticipation of a monumental ass whipping...but no!! Her mom just stood there..didn't say a damn thing and kind of laughed...nothing ever happened to her..are you kidding me??

I told her a story of how:

I once told my mom that I hated her...really loud..by the front door...and all the neighbors heard....After I awoke on the foyer floor....
She actually took my birthday away..that whole day came and went without as much as a whisper, my little brother wasn't even allowed to speak to me!!
An ass whipping AND further punishment??? Harsh, yes, but I learned to respect my mother and I also learned to say shit under my breath next time).

Anyway, I don't think she appreciated me and my assvice..dammit, this is just like high school all over again where the popular girl thinks you are a piece of shit....

But, oh well, as an adult..I can say what I want *looking around, checking to see if my mom is around*

Oh, residual trauma, isn't it wonderful???

The Meat Hook Chronicles

Today it my keys..my fucking keys!!!

He's been wandering around the department ALL fucking day today.

I accidentally made eye contact with him twice..(shit!!!) but he kept wandering so I was spared..temporarily, at least.

Just now, he walked by (for the 10th time) and said:

Meat Hooks: Daaaaaang Linka, that's a lot of keys
Me: Uh..huh?
Meat Hooks: Your keys..there's lot of them..woooo!
Me: (thinking) what the fuck is your issue EXACTLY??
Me: (out loud) Yeah, I guess..
Meat Hooks: God forbid somebody is chasing you and you need to get your car door open

WTF?????

Me: Yeah, good thing huh?..I know where all my keys are though

This is where he reaches out to touch them..yeck

Meat Hooks: Wow, you have lots of keys...(weird pause after fondling them)

Here's where I yank open my desk drawer and throw my keys in..slamming the drawer for good measure...he, as usual, skulked away

Poor Meat Hooks..Uh, No

I was mean to Meat Hooks today...and it was fun.....

This weekend, I was in Target, in the Dollar Aisle (of course), better yet, the CLEARANCE Dollar Aisle when what did my eyes have the pleasure of seeing....A USB Cup Warmer!!! (with LED light no doubt)
I knew it's shiny mirrored surface would be sure to titillate the OCD nerve in Meat Hook's little brain.

So I bought it..it cost .68 cents thankyouverymuch.

I then casually placed it near my CPU..lookin' all sparkly and shit...and wouldn't ya know it..here comes Meat Hooks.

He stood there behind me..breathin' and shit as usual

After a freakishly long pause he says:

What's THAT thing???
Me: What thing?
Meat Hooks: THAT thing..
Me: Huh?, wha' thing (being hateful is so damn funny to me)
Meat Hooks: (breathing heavy at this point) That, that that that RIGHT THEEEEERE!!

and ONLY after his finger was 2 millimeters from the cool, shiny object did I say:

"Oh that? It's a cup warmer..or something" then I continued to look like I was working...he stood there and "ooohed and ahhed" for a few minutes while I ignored him. I could tell by the quiver in his voice that he wanted to touch it BUT I REFUSED TO OFFER..hee hee

But of course, because my life hates me, Meat Hooks returned a couple of hours later..yay, great.

I saw him rounding the corner but I chose to ignore him. I figured he was there to see Belly, and so did Belly
Belly: Hey guy, (I hate when he calls people guy) I'll be done in just a second
Meat Hooks: Who said I was coming to see youuuu?? (yeck)

I heard some sort of annoying crunching behind me but again, chose to ignore his ass...more crunching..and lurking..crunch...crunch...then I noticed that he was crouching just outside my cubicle wall...wtf??...crunch..chip bag noise..crunch...He was reading my Dilbert cartoons that I have posted on the cubicle wall to irritate management...
Meat Hooks: (popping up like Jack in The Box) Hey Linka!! (again, wtf?) Can I make a copy of this?
Me: Of what? (I know, the bitch lives)
Meat Hooks: This Dilbert thing right here

Ok, let me say that I have had that VERY cartoon outside my fucking cubicle for THREE AND A HALF YEARS..but all of a sudden, today, you NEED to make a copy.

If I didn't need this job..I'd quit.

If He Touches ONE MORE Thing...

Let me introduce you to yet ANOTHER annoying co-worker:

My name for him is: MEAT HOOKS

Why? Well Meat Hooks has this obsessive/compulsive "thing" that involves hovering around my cubicle, making ridiculous small talk just so that he can TOUCH THINGS on my desk....wtf??

At first i thought he was just being inquisitive...but then it got weird. One day he came by with his weird ass self and I told myself earlier in the day that I would make it a point to put something "interesting" on my desk to tempt him...(insert evil laugh here).....I pretended to be on a call while he hovered. He waited for a couple of minutes while I had my imaginary conversation...out of the corner of my eye I saw him notice "the item"....so I leisurely (strategically) placed my body in between it and him...his fucking hands were actually TREMBLING!!! I'm serious, I almost pissed myself with inner laughter.. I innocently glanced over and smiled, "Oh, I didn't see you standing there" I, of course, said in my sweetest southern belle voice....he kind of just skulked away....

One day, I was shootin' the shit with some female co-workers about 4 feet from my desk. Meat Hooks and Belly were standing in his cube talking about - I don't know - cheese puff flavor to air ratios when I saw him edge his way into my cube. Just as he was preparing to touch something, I yelled out "AHHHT!!!!! (like when you discipline babies and dogs). He jumped about 3 feet in the air....me and my (as he would call us) "cackling bitches" laughed loudly and heartily..he tried to play it off by saying he was "Just dropping off something I let him borrow"..yeah right touchy boy....
*sigh* .....being mean is fun.

Did I mention that he is Belly's BEST FRIEND!!!!!!!???!!!

Oh, the hilarity

The bad part is that he's this weird, fat in all the wrong places, nerdy, bitterly-divorced, woman hating single guy with a large porn collection.
I have nightmares that he's in my cubicle on my days off just touching various shit on my desk and leaving his testicle crumbs on my keyboard.

Note to self: Have entire cubicle washed down with antibacterial solvents ASAP

P.S.: Burn keyboard

Much like a serial killer, his crimes are escalating:

This morning, there was a greeting card on top of a face-down DVD case, my keys and my cell phone all in a little cluster on my right side desk top. Meat Hooks comes bumbling down the row and stands there just outside my cube. My back was still to him but I said hello and continued to settle in for the day.
This jackass works his way into my cube, scoots the card off of the DVD case, picks the motherfucker up, TURNS THE CASE OVER and begins to comment on the movie!!..yeah, WTF??

I'm thinking I should just box up all my shit and ride around with it in my trunk......

Spell Check Is Your Friend

In my rush to publish my usual foolishness, I noticed that I spelled "unnecessary" wrong in my last post...I hate spelling mistakes.

No really, it irks me.

But you know what irks me even more than that????

The improper use of the apostrophe...yeah, turn off the lights and call the law, here comes a rant.

I saw a sign at a car dealership that read: 4 New Honda's For Sale

Are you serious?

Here's something I stole from Everything2.com:

Some rules for apostrophe use:First, do not use apostrophes in plurals, unless you intend to show possession, in which case you would use it at the end. "I've got lots of problem's" is grammatically incorrect. There's no contraction or possession here, so no apostrophe.

Second, do not use an apostrophe when you are showing possession using a gender-neutral pronoun (e.g. "it"). It is not correct to say "That stupid bird left it's feathers all over the cage floor." This spelling ("it's") is only acceptable as a contraction of the words "it" and "is". This is probably the most difficult rule to remember, unless you know why.

And finally, never use an apostrophe to form a verb in the present-tense singular. Many times I have read "Jimmy love's Janey", and unless Janey is the sole property of Jimmy love, then this is just another example of poor grammar. But then many people today don't understand the parts of speech either.

This now concludes the Hoity Toity, High Falootin', Uppity Bitch portion of our show......

Ironically, for the first 10 years of my life, I had a REALLY hard time spelling the word business...damn, that was a hard one.

How The Hell Do We Not Have A Broom??

I realized that we do not have a broom in our new place...but what pisses me off even more is that the fabulous, useful, really cool (and did I mention FABULOUS) broom holder thingie is also missing!!

I am crushed....

I am a lame ass....

I finally have money in my checking account today so I will buy a new one..of course you know the SECOND I buy a new one, install it and begin to love it..I'll find the old one..life has a way of sucking ass like that.

I've made a lovely, long list of uneccessary bullshit that I swear I need from Target/Wal-Mart/Home Depot/Lowes/Local Sex Shop...ok maybe the last one is TMI but I have a habit of oversharing.

Sadly, the new place has some pretty questionable carpet stains near the doorway...and by the kitchen..and in front of the guest room..and in the guest room....
The landlady claims that she had the carpet "professionally cleaned", I seriously doubt that little tidbit.
I let her know that I'd be purchasing rugs until our lease was up and she said "oh"...uh, ok lady.

I'll do my best to not spend my entire check on bullshit(seeing as our rent in $43000 a month)..but it's just SO tempting.

I Was Just Trying To Make A Dollar..Or Five

I was rejected by one of those "pay per post sellout" places...because of....*GASP*..excessive foul language...well you know what I have to say about that....

Well, FUCK THEM!!!

Moved In....Finally

Well we finished moving in to the new condo Tuesday..did I mention that we have been moving since Sunday????

I can hardly put into words just how happy that I am that this is over.....people are mean.



It seems that me and "all my shit" (direct quote) found a way to piss off every body that helped us move. Yes, I'll admit it, I'm somewhat of a hoarder...I like things...in all the colors they come in...and different shapes too.



Imagine being berated and chastised for having too much shit for 3 days straight..yeah, feels great huh??? Every time someone new would show up, they felt it necessary to go from room to room screaming: WOOOOOOO...DANNNNGGG!!!! LOOK AT ALL THIS SHIT!!!!



Tuesday night, me and TOH were watching TV and he brought up the subject again..When I finally got upset and said I was sick of being told that, in so many words, I "wasn't shit", TOH said that I was being disrespectful to the people that were helping us move...umm..huh, what? I wasn't trying to be disrespectful, I was just tired. And I felt like people were looking down on me because I wasn't hauling a sofa on my back...excuuuuse me, I'm just the person who packed it all up in LESS THAN A WEEK...ALL BY MYSELF..WITH NO HELP..and I'm the person who will have to UNpack it...ALL BY MYSELF..WITH NO HELP!!! Thank god, my mom and sister came by to help me this week..my little sister is so cute, setting up my bookshelf like it was Barnes and Noble..family is great sometimes.

Anyway, now we're in..and away from the ghetto..for now, at least.....

Hide Your Children....and Your Cookies

Oh my god...Belly is dating!!!

Yes, there are miracles, I guess.

He leaned over the wall and said to me: Hey..hey..hey..(what motherfucker??) I'm hollerin' at somebody"
I just looked over at him and nodded and smiled like I was interested..of course I was not.
But wait, why would you want to leave one shitty situation just to get back into ANOTHER one?? Dumb ass.

For the past couple of weeks, he's been in his cubicle giggling on the phone...no, not the "usual" man-giggle, no, this is that annoying "I'm all in love and shit" giggle...my cube mates and I try o decipher what he's over there whispering..we imagine he's saying:

"Oh yeah, I love donuts too..mmmm, sprinkle some sugar right there baby..."

or my personal favorite:

"You want me to 'dip it' in some au jus you sexy thang??"

We have been laughing for days...we are mean...and it is fun.

Still Waiting..like a dummy

Ok, so neither the Landlord or her Agent has called me with a yea or nay....I'm anxious and pissed off...and I'm unfortunately taking it out on TOH...he's doing the same to me too though...we should be nicer to each other huh?

Blog MIA

I haven't been here in like, sixty seven years....

I've been busy threatening my apartment complex and their corporate office. They admitted that since they cannot guarantee that they can fix my air conditioner, (they only have 1 maintenance man..go figure) they will let me terminate my lease 6 months early with NO PENALTIES!!!!

Woo fuckin' hoo!!!

Problem is, we found a condo we like but it's going to cost $1000 per month ...to rent....we've been paying $688 a month in the apt. for 8 years.....we'll be poor...actually if we just managed our money better it wouldn't be a problem....I just like to worry about things until I get an ulcer...and the overnight bubble guts..sad.

The landlord has charged us $50 to check our credit (which she claimed "she really didn't care about") and WE have to find a police station to pay TEN damn DOLLARS for a background check..oh and she needs our $1000 deposit right away...then on the 1st, the $1000 rent....wtf??
I'm already irritated and nervous and we haven't even moved yet...where in the fuck are we going to get $2000 by Sept 1st??? Oh, and the regular bills keep rollin' in....Maybe we'll win the Lotto and everything will be fine..maybe not.

If I could just borrow a couple of thousand..I could pay it back in two months, tops....Don't ya just hate it when you and everybody you know, (including your parents) is poor?? Where did I go wrong?? I could have sworn that I had "friends with money" at one time. I think they bought houses..now they're poor too..bastards

That's it, I've concluded that I have been far too lenient on TOH when it comes to his money. I'm going to start thieving his entire check...weekly haircuts?? uh, not anymore...."Guy's night out?? Not this year...ANOTHER pair of Air Force 1's...sorry charlie.

Everybody pray for us..and if you don't pray...then think good thoughts for us...cuz we gotta get outta the ghetto!!!

Rude Shit

Because I'm a mean cow, I'd like to rattle off a list of things I think are rude.

1. Speakerphone
This speakerphone is fucking rude - period. I get calls from end users all the time on that stupid thing..trying to "look" important. To be hateful, I usually talk really low and quiet..almost a whisper until they are forced to pick up the phone....then I talk in a normal voice....hahahaha being mean is fun.
Also, speakerphone is 15 times as rude on your stupid little Razr/I Phone/Crackberry phone..nobody wants to know what club you and your methed out friends are going to tonight..believe me, you do NOT look cool.

2. Sucking Your Teeth and Being A Pushy Dyke
Don't get me wrong, I love the gays....
I was at the gym the other day..minding my own fucking business...the tallest, burliest, biggest,butchest broad in the gym decides that instead of using one of the other 10,000 machines, she would like to jump on the one RIGHT next to me and start her "workout". I could tell that she was looking at me, so I refused to look over at her. She smelled weird too...I know we're in a gym and all but yeck!!! Why do I always attract "this type"..poor me.
Anywayyyyy, after about 5 minutes, she starts sucking her teeth. At first I thought she was making kissing noises and I almost gagged but then I glanced out of the corner of my eye and saw her lip all jacked up in the air and her nasty tongue licking her teeth...must have been that fried Wildebeest she had for lunch. Needless to say, my workout was over.
At this very same gym, I had a dyke trying to get at me over the stall wall..I could hear her at the bathroom entrance, she kept saying: "Hey, Hey...Hey" (much like Belly does and you know how I hate that shit). I waited her ass out though..trapped in a nasty Bally Total Fitness toilet....please help me

3. Bathroom Stall Closeness
Ok, maybe it's just me but I like a little "buffer" between me and you in the ladies room. Why is it that every time I go in the bathroom at work, I'm made uncomfortable by some broad who sits RIGHT next to me..her foot practically touching mine...look lady, there are 42 other stalls in here..are ya lonely???

4. The Left Turn Signal
Ok this doesn't really fall under the "rude" category, but it's something that I think is just plain fucking stupid. Why are people so damn nervous about turning left...it's your light jackass GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I always get stuck behind Nervous Nelly who finds it necessary to brake when turning left...are you afraid you might flip it over at 2 mph??

alright..I'm tired of bitching..we now return you to your regularly scheduled life.

Go away..

Kick Rocks!!!..

Ok at least clean up my room if you're going to stand there like that...

And bring me a sandwich....

Donde Esta Rhythm??

So I decided to not let that hateful cardio funk class beat me.
I went back once and took it easy this time...no groin injuries this time around thankyouverymuch!!!

I did, however, decide that I wanted to try a different dance class..it's called Zumba..oooh, aren't you excited??
According to Bally's site, it is:
A Fusion of Latin dance movements and music with modern dance

Hell, I can do that..I think.

Class started out OK. I was mostly able to keep up with the instructor but then she started doing fast shit.."Ok class!! Merengue!!! ( I thought that was a light, fluffy baked dessert thing..but anyway...)
Then comes the Mambo..fucking Mambo...oh great, now the Salsa..I almost fell on that one....The Samba can go straight to hell - look instructor lady, it hurts my back to do that....but wait!! here comes......

THE SHIMMY!!!!!!!

I love the damn shimmy! Granted, my tits are a little large for an "all out shimmy", but it made me feel sassy, and if you know anything at all, feeling sassy if the most important thing. We even did the shimmy in a circle..I am SO joining the advanced group next week...uh, maybe not.

Then I noticed my dumb ass in the mirror...I looked like a damn fool..these tight-ass shorts look like shit and the rest of the class was doing SO much better than me...They were mostly Hispanic though..I know it sounds stereotypical but, aren't I supposed to have some sort of "god-given internal rhythm" too???

My home-made "dance" shirt is looking a little tight too..look at those side lumps...sexy huh?...OK now I want to stop..damn mirrors. And all those weird

I snuck (word?) out of class during one of the breaks and walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes...hell, at least I didn't leave and go get a double cheeseburger....like Belly would.

It's Gettin Hot In Herrrrrre

Okay, that was a lame ass title..but I couldn't think of anything else but:

Hot time, summer in the city, back of my neck gettin dirty and gritty

And that was even MORE lame ass.

Anyway, for the past forever and two weeks, the air conditioner in my apartment hasn't been working properly. I'm not shitting you, It is 90 FUCKING DEGREES in my apartment.

My slum lord - I mean property manager - promised on TUESDAY that she would personally "go down there with the maintenance guy" and fix the damn thing..yeah, right. Every night, I had been calling the so-called "On call maintenance" but they never called me back..fuckers.

You know it's bad when TOH gets mad at someting...he NEVER gets mad at anything...It reallllly pisses me off.
Anywhoo, he called me at work on Tuesday evening and here's how THAT loving conversation went:

Me: Hello, this in Linka
TOH: Why is it so FUCKING HOT IN HERE!!!!!???!!!
Me: Hello?
TOH: You gotta call those fucking people, right now!!
Me: It's nice to hear your voice too, sugar cakes
TOH: Oh, uh..hi..It's really hot..didn't she say it would be fixed today???

I know what you're thinking.."Why doesn't HE just 'call the fucking people'"?

Well, they don't know he lives there....they want to run a credit check and demand an additional deposit for any additional tenats..fuck that.

We tried to wait them out but later that night, TOH was bored and decided to try to "see if he could fix it himself"...bad idea, especially for someone who doesn't even know where we keep the toolbox.
He was standing there in the hallway turning the switch off and on...like I told him NOT to..when all of a sudden..THE MOTOR EXPLODED!!! I screamed at him..WHAT DID YOU DO????...no answer....more of me yelling from the living room...no answer...finally after I screamed it one more time, he actually screamed back at me: "I didn't do ANYTHING!!"..ok dude, sure you didn't...the explosion was immediately followed by smoke and then some nasty fumes..great, not only is it 6 thousand degrees in here...now it stinks too, how sexy and romantic.

So after spending yet another night in "The Sweatbox", I took two hours off of work, walked into the leasing office and...completely embarassed myself.

I believe I managed to get out two words before bursting into a crying fit of the highest order..."Air conditioner" was all that came out...The manager and her assistant were kind of staring at me like I was a crackhead but they managed to console me.
I can't believe I was actually crying like that..I guess it was the pressure of living in a glorified slum for the past few years that finally got to me...and on top of all that..it was nice and frosty cold in the leasing office..mother.fucker.

The manager gave me her personal cell phone number and promised that it would be fixed before I got home from work....uh, ok

TOH called me at work (again) later that evening and declared that he was "fucking leaving" and that even though they replaced the motor, they had not refilled the freon (which has been leaking for months according to maintenance) and it was STILL hot. He went to play pool and after work, I hung out in Kohl's for an hour and a half..mmm, really cold air conditioning and overpriced bras..yaaayy.

I, again, called the on call maintenance assholes TWICE..no call back...I then used my "call a friend-lifeline" to call the property manager...had to leave a fucking voicemail...I'm pissed.

She finally calls back at around 10:00 pm and says that in order to get the maintenance guy to come out, she had to tell him that I was asthmatic...uh, I'm not though...I'm diabetic instead...I guess my real medical condition wasn't good enough for them.

He got there around 10:30 pm with his little flashlight...I gave him the full rundown and he just kind of nodded but said nothing...He went outside to the ground unit and did something for about 15 minutes then came back upstairs, said something about fixing the pressure and that it should be cool soon.

Woo damn Hoo!!

I closed all the windows, turned off all the fans and promptly fell into a deep exhausted coma.

TOH comes in sometime later and declares: "It's HOT in here!!" blah, blah, blahdy, blah..He talked me almost to death.
I told him to shut up and go to sleep..because it wasn't hot..really.
Then, the next morning he has the NERVE to say: "Damn, it's cold in here, turn the thermostat up!!"

I swear, I love him, but I could kill his ass sometimes.

Boys Are Stupid

As many of you know, I have 47 jobs...and strangely, no money to show for it.



Anyway, one of my part time jobs is at a big name athletic shoe store in the "fru fru" mall in the "fru fru" area of town.

It goes without saying (then why am I saying it?) that I see famous people all the time when I work there. Most of them are pretty nice..some are assholes though.



It seems that they expect you to "bow down" to them or something..whatever bitches.



Well on Tuesday, Kanye West came in to shop...people lost their fucking minds I tell ya.



When he came in, his back was to me but I'll admit, I was maybe a little excited when he finally turned around and I realized it was really him.

Funny thing is: HE WAS REALLY SMALL

I mean petite...like a little kid...I was tempted to pick him up and breast feed him. I promise, he was so cute, I could have dunked him in my coffee.



Meanwhile, some of the guys were breaking their necks to get up to the sales floor and gawk at him. I rang up all his stuff and he actually walked away to buy more stuff AND LEFT ME WITH HIS BLACK, TITANIUM AMEX CARD..is he crazy or what? Since I've been working there, I noticed that a lot of rich people tend to do this...I guess they figure you can't get too far with their card...



When he came back after piling more stuff on the counter, he actually had the nerve to say:

"Wow that got up there quick didn't it?".....he was actually worried about the money....I guess that's how you stay rich. I made a comment about "it's just money" and he laughed and agreed.



As he was trying to leave, two of my very young, very silly co-workers blocked his way..trying to shake his hand and chat....poor Kanye, he made the mistake of actually being nice to them...they acted like 14 year old girls..one of them even whipped out his Kanye West fan club card (cheeeeeseball!!!) so emabarrassing.



After he left, one of them was so flustered, he actually ran to the back..nearly in tears...

oh.my.god.



Boys are stupid

Is EVERYTHING About Food With Him????

Homer Simpson has invaded my workplace.

Somehow the cube-farm discussion turned to the Giant Squid problem in Monterey Bay.
(We obviously don't have SHIT to talk about)

Well somebody made the mistake of saying:

"It says it's up to 7 feet long, and weighs around 100 pounds"

Belly - of course says (with his eyes all dreamy and shit):

"MMMMM, calamari...."

Nope, he wasn't done yet

"Yeahhhh, get the tartar sauce and lemons ready..mmmm"

We all just sat there, embarrassed for him...after a few uncomfortable sniggles, everybody turned back towards their computers.

He (again, of course) laughed like he had just told the funniest joke ever...cornball ass, we all knew he was really serious..

I bet he cooks up about 65 pounds of it for dinner tonight....yeck

VOTE NOW DAMMIT!!!

Ok so here's what I saw in my comments section recently:

Hey there Linka, I'd like to take this time and congratulate you on your awesome blog and inform you that you are in the running for Bestest Blog of the Year. You are up against 104 other excellent blogs that have all qualified by being "Bestest Blog of the Day" in the past 12 months. Voting starts TODAY (July 23rd) and will end in 2 weeks (August 6th). Winners will be announced on August 7th!The winner will be receiving (at least) a $50 prize and a ton of new visitors I'm sure. Other blogs that finish in the top 10 will also be getting a few new links and extra exposure. Full details of the contest can be found here.

So what can you do to increase your chances of winning?

1. Go vote for yourself (duh!)

2. Encourage others to vote for you. Here is the URL: http://www.blankestblank.com/bestest/blog-of-the-year/. You can also find a nifty little graphic to include on your blog here.

3. Encourage others to register before voting. Registered users votes count 3 times more than guests.

4. Keep up the great blogging that got you here in the first place. People are going to be stopping by your blog before voting, and if you have some great, new content, that'll surely increase your vote.

Again, congratulations and good luck! And if you're interested in winning another "blog of the day" award and get in the running for next year's award, check out the new "Blankest Blank Blog Directory." Questions? Please feel free to email me or drop by the forum.

Yayyyyy me!!!!

Now get to votin'...I am NOT the most modest person you have ever met????

Sit The Fuck Down Already!!!

Oh, the incessant EXTREMELY LOUD laughter (read: man-giggle) and the constant snot whistle are killing me...and it's like he can sense that he's pissing me off...so he keeps doing it...oh great, now he's breathing heavy again..not like it takes much to make that happen...he picked up something off the floor the other day and almost had a heart attack when he came back up....I'm serious, he was wheezing and everything...fat bastard.

That FATkins Diet really seems to be working for ya, Belly..woo hoo!!

The Chronicles Of Belly...some more

I had yet another "over the shoulder moment" with that fool Belly.

A fellow blogger - AtYourCervix gave me a really cool shout out the other day. I was, as usual, minding my own damn business reading some of her other posts when suddenly I hear a muffled smacking noise behind me...Mr. Greedy was eating some sort of nasty morsel (as usual) and was also READING EVERY THING ON MY SCREEN OUT LOUD!!!!...asshole

Belly: 2 Epidurals???? wow..did she even know her name?? ahahahahahahha
Me: (thinking) shut up assface
Belly: (all loud and shit) AT YOUR CERVIX??!!! That sure is a funny name!!!..*smack, nosh, gurgle, mouth-fart, smack* hahahahahah

I was so fucking livid, I couldn't fix my mouth to say anything..I grunted a little a slammed my mouse on the desk while I minimized my screen..he caught the hint and sat his fat ass down.

Then as if he couldn't get any weirder....

We had a team meeting and each month we have this thing called "Team Talk". Well during team talk we go around the room and say one positive thing that's going on in our lives or careers....supposed. to. be. positive

Belly decides that this would be a WONDERFUL time to get us to pity him.
Belly: Well I've got good news and bad news....I'm going through a separation right now and my kids have moved away with their mother and relatives. But on a good note, my commute is waaaay shorter because I moved closer to work.

The entire group just sat there in shocked silence..eventually somebody said "aww, that's uh terrible" and he just sat there looking all goofy. I don't think he has any friends to talk to so now we have to be his life coach.

My supervisor had to finally move on...poor thing had to say "Well does anyone else have anything positive to say??"

Talk about awkward moments...

Married..Finally, Dammit!!!

OK, the deed is done!!!!

Me and TOH tied the knot on Saturday - 7/7/07

And just in case you are wondering, I only had TWO Bridezilla moments....

1. I looked out the window and saw that the chairs were facing THE FUCKING CONSTRUCTION SITE across the grassy knoll....men, can't kill em...I called my mom on her cell phone screaming like a banshee and she (I swear, she's the cutest thing alive) said "The bride doesn't want to face a construction site, please turn your chairs around".


2. After the ceremony, the plan was to have everybody walk down the path to the "reception area" (our friend's townhouse) and shortly after, we would have people serve themselves from the buffet...that was "the plan"......There I was, basking in the afterglow of the ceremony, posing for pictures and such when all of a sudden, our male/friend owner of the house comes up to me and says :

Male Friend/Homeowner: We need you at the house..RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Why??

Male Homeowner: It's all going TO SHIT!!

Me: Huh??

Male Homeowner: Nobody knows where to put the food, your whole vision is falling apart!!!

Me: You CAN'T be serious..*suppressing anger*

Male Homeowner: Dead serious


I ripped myself away from my guests and scooted down the path, all worried and shit..When I got there, it all "looked" under control to me...men freak out wayyy too easily.


All in all, it was a fun day though. It was kind of embarrassing to have everybody's eyes on you the whole day while they yelled shit like:"kiss!!" "eat the cake!!" "drink the champagne!!".....


How 'bout shut the hell up?

I must say, champagne is nasty...I've been belching it up since Saturday..maybe because it was CHEAP champagne..yeah, that'll do it.

The cake was good though..here's a picture


















I stuck the flowers and beads and shit in it myself..I am so lady-like.....you'd think I would have ironed the tablecloth though huh??

After the reception, we stayed at The Westin - Our friend payed for ONE night..so we stayed for exactly ONE night..what?? we're cheap asses.
The bed was nice but it wasn't MY bed (I am just NEVER fucking happy) and it didn't have a microwave...sadly, I would have preferred something like the Amerisuites..I know.."ungrateful bitch"..blah blah blah

We also felt pressured by the aforementioned friend to have sex once we got there..she figured that since SHE didn't have sex on her wedding night SOMEBODY was going to..she would have stayed in the room to ensure that we did if I would have let her...I'm serious.
We ended up eating cake..nope, they didn't have silverware in the room..I guess it was romantic, then we watched TV and fell asleep...

We are so fucking sexy


And you are so fucking jealous of it!!!

Uh...Thanks?? Part Two

OK..I'm a sap....

I just called Belly back to thank him for his gift...he said: "Well do ya like it?? Huh?? Huh??".....I lied and said "yes, it's great"...

What??? I'm not a COMPLETE bitch!! well maybe a little...

Uh...Thanks??

Belly has COMPLETELY LOST IT...

First of all he calls my cell phone this morning at 7:30 damn AM and says:

Belly: Hey, Are you at work yet?

Me: Huh?? What??

Belly: Oh, I thought you guys logged on at 8

Me: No, we log on at 9..I'm still asleep kinda

Belly: Ha ha ha heee hee (??) I wanted to drop off your wedding present, cuz I'll be out of town all week

Me: Oh..uhhh, you don't have to do that...

Belly: No big deal, I'm about 45 minutes away ok???? Ok Bye!!!

Me: what the fuck??

So I get to work and there's this big box in my chair...what the....

It was one of these fucking things:

Uh..I'm not sure what the hell to say..I guess TOH will like it.....

My co-worker said that since Belly is going through a divorce, something in his warped mind thought that this would be a WONDERFUL wedding gift....then she said that maybe the fucker is just nutso.

I'm leaning towards the second explanation.