And We're Stiiilll Together...

Yes people, it's been one whole year since I married that dude...and hey, we haven't killed each other yet..but tomorrow is another day.

We've actually been together since '98..damn that seems like forever ago...but this year seems to have flown by.

It hasn't been easy though - considering that two weeks ago, I wanted him to "get the hell out of my house" - but we've worked it all out..mostly..and I wouldn't trade him for any man (except maybe Brad Pit..or Derek Jeter..or The Rock..AHEM..anywayyyys).

I love the hell out of my husband..who else can I actually watch and laugh at Elmo on Sesame Street with or trade farts with that won't think I'm wacked??
Not bad for a guy that I met on the Internet huh?

We went to Whole Foods yesterday and spent 700 million dollars on two ORGANIC tomatoes, 15 pine nuts, a box of frozen mussels (which were actually very good), a rosemary/olive oil demi baguette and some fresh mozzarella...since when did we get so damn bourgie??

Oh, and I actually made pesto for the first time..and no one died. I figured I should do SOMETHING with that poor basil plant (that I've had to replace twice due to neglect).
So anyway, I made this appetizer thing that's made of sliced tomatoes sprinkled with salt, pepper and olive oil, schmeared with pesto and topped with the fresh mozzarella that can I just say, is the most dangerous thing to slice EVER??....me and the digressing...
here's a pic that I found on the innurnets:



Except I put mine under the broiler....and it wasn't stacked so high..ha

Then we made mussels with a cream garlic white wine sauce..yum

And since we're greedy bastards, for dessert we had peach cobbler and ice cream..hell naw, I didn't make the cobbler...Mrs. Smith's does a wonderful job.

Tonight we plan on going to a nice Brazilian steakhouse downtown...with a 2 for 1 coupon..because we're just cheap like that and because we can't seem to keep our asses out of Whole Foods aka "The 700 million dollar grocery bill place".

Oh..this is SO my favorite song right now..the lyrics really hit home....

Mary J Blige - Be Without You



*Edited to add:

I can't believe I said I put mine under the BOILER..instead of BROILER..how embarrassing...I have since changed it because I am anal like that...

FedEx - Just Stop The Madness

As usual, I'm irritated by a certain company's foolishness...

FedEx..you bastards.

I used to love FedEx, my friend Freddie worked for them and I used to hang out in the FedEx store downtown with him..inappropriate? Of course.

Oh, and there used to be this FIIIIIINE Fedex guy that would deliver to this office I worked in. Mmm, nice shorts... Every time we would hear his little computer thing beeping from around the corner, all the ladies in the office would line up like whores at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch and primp and smile at him..."Hiii FedEx guy"..God, we were such tramps.

Have I mentioned that I get a really obscene discount at the store where I serve time work part time?

Well, one day I made the mistake of letting one of my co-workers at my day job find this little fact out and (as rumors in a cubicle farm usually do) it spread like wildfire except it didn't burn down the office..damn it.

Anteeeeway, their last order came up to nearly $400. I ordered it all online and fully expecting it to be shipped to my house ON TIME like it always does but noooo, that's just how my luck fucks me.

First, two small boxes came:

1 with a T-shirt for my fashionally challenged coworker Hee Haw Woo Hoo
1 with a pair of gym shorts for the same fashionally challenged man
(what a waste of cardboard)

*begin long-winded rant here*

Did I tell you that it took over two days of tortuous persuasion for me to get him to even order this shit? An order that also included a very nice pair of kicks and another outfit...for chrissakes, he was actually sweating at one point and nervously wringing his hands hoping that what me and 3 other women picked out for him was "cool looking"..It seems that even though this man can decorate homes so well that I, in fact, swore he was gay once - this doesn't quite carry over to his fashion sense..poor thing wears high water corduroy pants and boots like these...


With really thick, white tube socks..and Hawaiian shirts..that are 2 sizes too small..in the summer..poor guy.

So the first two boxes came via UPS on Thursday..yay UPS, you have never let me down..brown..
But for some stupid reason, the bulk of the order was sent via FedEx...whatever
On Friday I tracked the package and it showed as "delivered".great, it found Jesus, Halaluyerrr. I called TOH and he said he "don't know nuthin' 'bout buurthin' no box"..hmm, strange.
I then checked the signature online and it said S.Spele...WTF?? Who Dat?
So then I called FedEx and they said that yes indeed, the package was at my house.
I got home..no box...called FedEx again:

Fedex CS Girl: Mmm Hmm, delivered
Me: Nope, uh uh
Fedex CS Girl: Maybe you should ask your neighbors
Me: Uh, I've only seen them twice and spoken to them once, sort of..
Fedex CS Girl: Let's put a trace on it, someone will call you..maybe in 24-48 hours
Me: (thinking) yeah, sure - sounds hopeful

I actually followed her advice and asked my next door neighbor, who's teenage daughter said that " Two different colored trucks came, but I don't know what happened after that"...yep, weed smoke and X pills talkin'...she probably had all my damn shoes in her closet..but I digress..
Then I went and knocked on the door directly below us..no answer..bitch, I see your damn car, I KNOW YOU'RE HOME!!!
Then I knocked next door to her...great, the condo where the oldest Asian woman in history lives with her crazy, leg biting, inbred terrier...the dog of course is going bat-shit while I try to explain who I am and what I'm looking for, then her son came to the door (he's pretty damn old too) and said something about "No" then closed the door...*sigh*

I called FedEx back and got the same line of bullshit about a trace and contacting the driver..blah fuckin' blah.

It's nearly 9pm at this point so I called the CS center for my company and he said that he saw no such trace..but that HE would start one too..great.wonderful.

I tossed and turned all night trying to figure out how I was going to pay my co-workers their "damn money" if this box never showed back up and then how I was going to have to set up a complaint booth at my desk for all the bitching that would ensue.

The next day, I called FedEx AGAIN. This time I got a guy who said he was going to call the terminal or distribution center, or something and he put me on hold..yay, pro activeness...he came back on the line and said that the driver "Left it at the leasing office"....huh?? I live in a gated,private condo community and WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A LEASING OFFICE for shit's sake!!
Then he said, "Oh"...just Oh...then he put me back on hold while I fumed and cursed..out loud..at work..I'm such a professional..he came back on and said that the driver was in the area and that he would "try to figure out what he did with it and re-deliver the box"..Is it just me, or does that sound like an extra helping of dumbass on the driver's part??

I thanked the CS guy for being great..because he was, and then I promised to dance at his wedding..then he let out a nervous, awkward laugh and so did I..then I hung up.

When I got home today, the box was in front of the door...and I could tell that some fucker had opened it and did a shitty job of re-taping it closed..

Luckily for FedEx, nothing was missing.

I Am One Boring Broad

Good Lord..I haven't blogged in like..26 years.

I've been in a shitty mood and the whole laziness thing happened and all...*ahem*

Seems that since Belly's sister is working in my dept. now, he has a reason to be over here again..SHIT!!

He looks like Hogsqueal from The SpiderWick Chronicles..ha



And he was eyeballin' me today. I should have spit at him...because after all, I AM the most lady-like bitch that you know.

I'm still not pregnant...*sigh* of course maybe it's all for the best. I couldn't imagine being more irritable than I am right now.

I've been gardening..well actually more like "patioing" since we have no yard...seems that hot, oppresive sun is not good for petunias. EVEN THOUGH the damn tag said full sun..they sure were pretty for that first day though..oh well.

I have blogger's block..can ya tell?

I promise, I'll have something meaningful to say..soon.

Why Is It That...

Why is it that most snacks that are bad for you come in a loud, crinkly wrappers?

So much for being sneaky and eating my Ho Ho in peace...Belly's fat ass probably heard it from two departments over!!!

The Belly Spreads...

Belly's sister works with us now as a temp....OMG you should see her...here's what I have observed in a few short days:

Belly told me that she'd already had the GB because she used to weigh about 500 pounds....I personally think that she should ask for a do-over because it looks like this one didn't "take".

I estimate her current weight to be around 473..but I could be wrong.

She wears her hair like a little girl: Square parted with a ponytail STICKING OUT THE TOP!! Imagine this..but on a large, grown-ass, black woman..equally as sad.



Poor thing has a low hanging pannus too..*lunch just came up a little*

Oh, and she wears fake hazel contacts ...who is she tryin' to fool?

On the good side, her skin is freakin' FLAWLESS and she's actually quite pretty.

I caught Belly looking at me longingly today..eww..I had half a mind to go over and stab him in the ribs with a steak knife but I figured that would get me fired.

And Then I Ran Down The Hall Screaming...

I was talking to my freakin' hilarious co-worker - Let's call him Hee Haw Woo Hoo - when who bounds around the corner???...yes, it was fat ass Belly!!!..carrying a vegetable plate from the cafeteria..[insert giggles here]

I was trying to tell a story of how one of the temps we call "Connie" (because she cons everybody out of money) that I barely even know, molestered me the other day (yes, I said molestered like Cartman on South Park)..mmm hmm, I was chillin',with my feet propped up under my desk..mindin' my own fuckin' business.. when all of the sudden, I feel a hand massaging my shoulder..reeeally slooowly.
So I turn to look and it's Connie's weird ass, asking me if I had eaten too much at the potluck earlier.

umm..wha..?

I let her know that I was just relaxing and she goes "oh..you seemed a little quiet so I thought I'd come see about you". Then she stood there some more..thank god my phone rang and she kinda just floated away...yeckkk.

I should have punched that bitch in the stomach..but I'm lazy.

So anyway, I'm trying to explain this scene to Hee Haw Woo Hoo when Belly interrupts and says: "Was it like this..?" then HE RUBBED MY ARM, all slow and shit...on my exposed, chocolaty caramel flesh....fucking christ jesus lord, I nearly shit my pants with disgust.

In an awkward moment while Hee Haw Woo Hoo was staring at me in disbelief, I just said "no..ummm, it was a little more inappropriate like kinda up by my shoulder...and stuff..umm, err."
Then I tried to laugh it off and continue the story..he finally went away and Hee Haw Woo Hoo just laughed and laughed (remind me to kill Hee Haw Woo Hoo later).

I guess I also should have punched Belly in the stomach..but we all know that I can't walk around here with a broken arm...casts are soooo 2002.

I Heart Steve Perry..No, Really.. I Do..

That may sound strange coming from a black girl that was "technically" born in the ghetto but I just can't get enough of Steve Perry and Journey these days....

Open Arms?? My damn favorite!!



Faithfully?? Oh PUHLEEZE..That's my other damn favorite!!



Huh?? Oh Sherry you say?? Stop the madness..That's REALLY my favorite!!



No but really...Foolish Heart kicks ALL their asses!! It reminds me of Paula Abdul's "boy toy" on American Idol though.



Honorable mention:

Send Her My Love..so sweet..so sad..



Now I know I'm probably going to get kicked in the teeth for my next statement but... that Arnel Pineda guy is pretty damn good!! *ducking* His hair is soooo damn pretty though!!

A $30 Tinker Bell Cake..For A Grown Woman

My sister graduated from High School over the holiday weekend..I know I'm a week late with this but I've only just recently gotten over the trauma of having my family in my house for 4 days...

Anyway, we were really excited (and frankly a little relieved) that she was finally done. It's been a long road for her and she's finally started to act like an adult..yay.

She requested a cake..a Tinker Bell cake..with lights and fireworks and shit... so as the "big sister", I had to oblige...or there would be crying...because her "whole life she's been called Tinker" sheesus, god.

I called a few places and and they had no idea who the hell Tinker Bell was (?). Finally Publix had said they would do it..for a base price of $30..expensive much?

I looked at their website and saw this extravaganza of foolishness:

It's called the Tinker Bell Dangler..cuz she dangles..The baby gets what the baby wants dammit!!.

Oh, but wait..the store closest to us didn't have the damn fairy toy thing so I had to call all over the planet to get it, then call the bakery lady and have her coordinate the delivery of it to her place..she seemed annoyed with me..bitch.

I picked it up on Saturday afternoon..it kind of looked like the picture..I suppose.

I then decided it would be a good idea to spend another $35 on Tinker Bell paraphernalia - confetti, balloons, cups, napkins, a trucker hat (I'm serious) and a metal purse thing..

Yes, I have OFFICIALLY lost my shit.

Speaking of losing things...My mother called to let me know that she had accidentally thrown away the "Taaanker Bell Toy Thang"...and did I think that Publix would sell her just that piece?...*sigh*..

family..you can't pick 'em.

Poor Thing

I just talked to TOH and he's not happy.

Seems that the job that he was a "shoo-in" for rejected him because he failed the assessment..WTF??? Now he can't retest for another 6 months...double WTF?? And then they wouldn't tell him exactly what he failed on..yes, you guessed it, triple WTF??
And why the hell would they even need a damn assessment anyway??
(Not that I'm poo-pooing his job but it's not exactly rocket science.)

I asked him what was on the test and, just like a man, he said "some common sense bullshit"....um, ok.

He REALLY wanted this job because it was close to our house and it paid wayyy better and he has 5 years of experience doing that type of work.
We got all worked up into a froth over it and now life sucks.

I hate rejection and since I'm so protective of TOH, I want to go down there and kick someone's ass.

Don't mess with my baaaaby!

To Wash Or Not To Wash...

This has been bothering me for at least 3 of the 4 years that I have worked here....

We work with a lady that doesn't wash her hands after she uses the bathroom...yeeeck!

She seems like a perfectly normal person..except for that.

Everybody notices it but doesn't say anything.
I guess they make their opinion known by not eating the food she brings to potlucks....she usually makes sausage balls..don't they involve KNEADING ingredients WITH YOUR HANDS??...eww.

Anyway, I know that a lot of the time you "technically" don't actually touch yourself when wiping down there, but just knowing that you COULD accidentally touch yourself should make you want to wash your damn hands...

maybe it's just me