Blog MIA

I haven't been here in like, sixty seven years....

I've been busy threatening my apartment complex and their corporate office. They admitted that since they cannot guarantee that they can fix my air conditioner, (they only have 1 maintenance man..go figure) they will let me terminate my lease 6 months early with NO PENALTIES!!!!

Woo fuckin' hoo!!!

Problem is, we found a condo we like but it's going to cost $1000 per month ...to rent....we've been paying $688 a month in the apt. for 8 years.....we'll be poor...actually if we just managed our money better it wouldn't be a problem....I just like to worry about things until I get an ulcer...and the overnight bubble guts..sad.

The landlord has charged us $50 to check our credit (which she claimed "she really didn't care about") and WE have to find a police station to pay TEN damn DOLLARS for a background check..oh and she needs our $1000 deposit right away...then on the 1st, the $1000 rent....wtf??
I'm already irritated and nervous and we haven't even moved yet...where in the fuck are we going to get $2000 by Sept 1st??? Oh, and the regular bills keep rollin' in....Maybe we'll win the Lotto and everything will be fine..maybe not.

If I could just borrow a couple of thousand..I could pay it back in two months, tops....Don't ya just hate it when you and everybody you know, (including your parents) is poor?? Where did I go wrong?? I could have sworn that I had "friends with money" at one time. I think they bought houses..now they're poor too..bastards

That's it, I've concluded that I have been far too lenient on TOH when it comes to his money. I'm going to start thieving his entire check...weekly haircuts?? uh, not anymore...."Guy's night out?? Not this year...ANOTHER pair of Air Force 1's...sorry charlie.

Everybody pray for us..and if you don't pray...then think good thoughts for us...cuz we gotta get outta the ghetto!!!

Rude Shit

Because I'm a mean cow, I'd like to rattle off a list of things I think are rude.

1. Speakerphone
This speakerphone is fucking rude - period. I get calls from end users all the time on that stupid thing..trying to "look" important. To be hateful, I usually talk really low and quiet..almost a whisper until they are forced to pick up the phone....then I talk in a normal voice....hahahaha being mean is fun.
Also, speakerphone is 15 times as rude on your stupid little Razr/I Phone/Crackberry phone..nobody wants to know what club you and your methed out friends are going to tonight..believe me, you do NOT look cool.

2. Sucking Your Teeth and Being A Pushy Dyke
Don't get me wrong, I love the gays....
I was at the gym the other day..minding my own fucking business...the tallest, burliest, biggest,butchest broad in the gym decides that instead of using one of the other 10,000 machines, she would like to jump on the one RIGHT next to me and start her "workout". I could tell that she was looking at me, so I refused to look over at her. She smelled weird too...I know we're in a gym and all but yeck!!! Why do I always attract "this type"..poor me.
Anywayyyyy, after about 5 minutes, she starts sucking her teeth. At first I thought she was making kissing noises and I almost gagged but then I glanced out of the corner of my eye and saw her lip all jacked up in the air and her nasty tongue licking her teeth...must have been that fried Wildebeest she had for lunch. Needless to say, my workout was over.
At this very same gym, I had a dyke trying to get at me over the stall wall..I could hear her at the bathroom entrance, she kept saying: "Hey, Hey...Hey" (much like Belly does and you know how I hate that shit). I waited her ass out though..trapped in a nasty Bally Total Fitness toilet....please help me

3. Bathroom Stall Closeness
Ok, maybe it's just me but I like a little "buffer" between me and you in the ladies room. Why is it that every time I go in the bathroom at work, I'm made uncomfortable by some broad who sits RIGHT next to me..her foot practically touching mine...look lady, there are 42 other stalls in here..are ya lonely???

4. The Left Turn Signal
Ok this doesn't really fall under the "rude" category, but it's something that I think is just plain fucking stupid. Why are people so damn nervous about turning left...it's your light jackass GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I always get stuck behind Nervous Nelly who finds it necessary to brake when turning left...are you afraid you might flip it over at 2 mph??

alright..I'm tired of bitching..we now return you to your regularly scheduled life.

Go away..

Kick Rocks!!!..

Ok at least clean up my room if you're going to stand there like that...

And bring me a sandwich....

Donde Esta Rhythm??

So I decided to not let that hateful cardio funk class beat me.
I went back once and took it easy this time...no groin injuries this time around thankyouverymuch!!!

I did, however, decide that I wanted to try a different dance class..it's called Zumba..oooh, aren't you excited??
According to Bally's site, it is:
A Fusion of Latin dance movements and music with modern dance

Hell, I can do that..I think.

Class started out OK. I was mostly able to keep up with the instructor but then she started doing fast shit.."Ok class!! Merengue!!! ( I thought that was a light, fluffy baked dessert thing..but anyway...)
Then comes the Mambo..fucking Mambo...oh great, now the Salsa..I almost fell on that one....The Samba can go straight to hell - look instructor lady, it hurts my back to do that....but wait!! here comes......

THE SHIMMY!!!!!!!

I love the damn shimmy! Granted, my tits are a little large for an "all out shimmy", but it made me feel sassy, and if you know anything at all, feeling sassy if the most important thing. We even did the shimmy in a circle..I am SO joining the advanced group next week...uh, maybe not.

Then I noticed my dumb ass in the mirror...I looked like a damn fool..these tight-ass shorts look like shit and the rest of the class was doing SO much better than me...They were mostly Hispanic though..I know it sounds stereotypical but, aren't I supposed to have some sort of "god-given internal rhythm" too???

My home-made "dance" shirt is looking a little tight too..look at those side lumps...sexy huh?...OK now I want to stop..damn mirrors. And all those weird

I snuck (word?) out of class during one of the breaks and walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes...hell, at least I didn't leave and go get a double cheeseburger....like Belly would.

It's Gettin Hot In Herrrrrre

Okay, that was a lame ass title..but I couldn't think of anything else but:

Hot time, summer in the city, back of my neck gettin dirty and gritty

And that was even MORE lame ass.

Anyway, for the past forever and two weeks, the air conditioner in my apartment hasn't been working properly. I'm not shitting you, It is 90 FUCKING DEGREES in my apartment.

My slum lord - I mean property manager - promised on TUESDAY that she would personally "go down there with the maintenance guy" and fix the damn thing..yeah, right. Every night, I had been calling the so-called "On call maintenance" but they never called me back..fuckers.

You know it's bad when TOH gets mad at someting...he NEVER gets mad at anything...It reallllly pisses me off.
Anywhoo, he called me at work on Tuesday evening and here's how THAT loving conversation went:

Me: Hello, this in Linka
TOH: Why is it so FUCKING HOT IN HERE!!!!!???!!!
Me: Hello?
TOH: You gotta call those fucking people, right now!!
Me: It's nice to hear your voice too, sugar cakes
TOH: Oh, uh..hi..It's really hot..didn't she say it would be fixed today???

I know what you're thinking.."Why doesn't HE just 'call the fucking people'"?

Well, they don't know he lives there....they want to run a credit check and demand an additional deposit for any additional tenats..fuck that.

We tried to wait them out but later that night, TOH was bored and decided to try to "see if he could fix it himself"...bad idea, especially for someone who doesn't even know where we keep the toolbox.
He was standing there in the hallway turning the switch off and on...like I told him NOT to..when all of a sudden..THE MOTOR EXPLODED!!! I screamed at him..WHAT DID YOU DO????...no answer....more of me yelling from the living room...no answer...finally after I screamed it one more time, he actually screamed back at me: "I didn't do ANYTHING!!"..ok dude, sure you didn't...the explosion was immediately followed by smoke and then some nasty fumes..great, not only is it 6 thousand degrees in here...now it stinks too, how sexy and romantic.

So after spending yet another night in "The Sweatbox", I took two hours off of work, walked into the leasing office and...completely embarassed myself.

I believe I managed to get out two words before bursting into a crying fit of the highest order..."Air conditioner" was all that came out...The manager and her assistant were kind of staring at me like I was a crackhead but they managed to console me.
I can't believe I was actually crying like that..I guess it was the pressure of living in a glorified slum for the past few years that finally got to me...and on top of all that..it was nice and frosty cold in the leasing office..mother.fucker.

The manager gave me her personal cell phone number and promised that it would be fixed before I got home from work....uh, ok

TOH called me at work (again) later that evening and declared that he was "fucking leaving" and that even though they replaced the motor, they had not refilled the freon (which has been leaking for months according to maintenance) and it was STILL hot. He went to play pool and after work, I hung out in Kohl's for an hour and a half..mmm, really cold air conditioning and overpriced bras..yaaayy.

I, again, called the on call maintenance assholes TWICE..no call back...I then used my "call a friend-lifeline" to call the property manager...had to leave a fucking voicemail...I'm pissed.

She finally calls back at around 10:00 pm and says that in order to get the maintenance guy to come out, she had to tell him that I was asthmatic...uh, I'm not though...I'm diabetic instead...I guess my real medical condition wasn't good enough for them.

He got there around 10:30 pm with his little flashlight...I gave him the full rundown and he just kind of nodded but said nothing...He went outside to the ground unit and did something for about 15 minutes then came back upstairs, said something about fixing the pressure and that it should be cool soon.

Woo damn Hoo!!

I closed all the windows, turned off all the fans and promptly fell into a deep exhausted coma.

TOH comes in sometime later and declares: "It's HOT in here!!" blah, blah, blahdy, blah..He talked me almost to death.
I told him to shut up and go to sleep..because it wasn't hot..really.
Then, the next morning he has the NERVE to say: "Damn, it's cold in here, turn the thermostat up!!"

I swear, I love him, but I could kill his ass sometimes.

Boys Are Stupid

As many of you know, I have 47 jobs...and strangely, no money to show for it.



Anyway, one of my part time jobs is at a big name athletic shoe store in the "fru fru" mall in the "fru fru" area of town.

It goes without saying (then why am I saying it?) that I see famous people all the time when I work there. Most of them are pretty nice..some are assholes though.



It seems that they expect you to "bow down" to them or something..whatever bitches.



Well on Tuesday, Kanye West came in to shop...people lost their fucking minds I tell ya.



When he came in, his back was to me but I'll admit, I was maybe a little excited when he finally turned around and I realized it was really him.

Funny thing is: HE WAS REALLY SMALL

I mean petite...like a little kid...I was tempted to pick him up and breast feed him. I promise, he was so cute, I could have dunked him in my coffee.



Meanwhile, some of the guys were breaking their necks to get up to the sales floor and gawk at him. I rang up all his stuff and he actually walked away to buy more stuff AND LEFT ME WITH HIS BLACK, TITANIUM AMEX CARD..is he crazy or what? Since I've been working there, I noticed that a lot of rich people tend to do this...I guess they figure you can't get too far with their card...



When he came back after piling more stuff on the counter, he actually had the nerve to say:

"Wow that got up there quick didn't it?".....he was actually worried about the money....I guess that's how you stay rich. I made a comment about "it's just money" and he laughed and agreed.



As he was trying to leave, two of my very young, very silly co-workers blocked his way..trying to shake his hand and chat....poor Kanye, he made the mistake of actually being nice to them...they acted like 14 year old girls..one of them even whipped out his Kanye West fan club card (cheeeeeseball!!!) so emabarrassing.



After he left, one of them was so flustered, he actually ran to the back..nearly in tears...

oh.my.god.



Boys are stupid

Is EVERYTHING About Food With Him????

Homer Simpson has invaded my workplace.

Somehow the cube-farm discussion turned to the Giant Squid problem in Monterey Bay.
(We obviously don't have SHIT to talk about)

Well somebody made the mistake of saying:

"It says it's up to 7 feet long, and weighs around 100 pounds"

Belly - of course says (with his eyes all dreamy and shit):

"MMMMM, calamari...."

Nope, he wasn't done yet

"Yeahhhh, get the tartar sauce and lemons ready..mmmm"

We all just sat there, embarrassed for him...after a few uncomfortable sniggles, everybody turned back towards their computers.

He (again, of course) laughed like he had just told the funniest joke ever...cornball ass, we all knew he was really serious..

I bet he cooks up about 65 pounds of it for dinner tonight....yeck

VOTE NOW DAMMIT!!!

Ok so here's what I saw in my comments section recently:

Hey there Linka, I'd like to take this time and congratulate you on your awesome blog and inform you that you are in the running for Bestest Blog of the Year. You are up against 104 other excellent blogs that have all qualified by being "Bestest Blog of the Day" in the past 12 months. Voting starts TODAY (July 23rd) and will end in 2 weeks (August 6th). Winners will be announced on August 7th!The winner will be receiving (at least) a $50 prize and a ton of new visitors I'm sure. Other blogs that finish in the top 10 will also be getting a few new links and extra exposure. Full details of the contest can be found here.

So what can you do to increase your chances of winning?

1. Go vote for yourself (duh!)

2. Encourage others to vote for you. Here is the URL: http://www.blankestblank.com/bestest/blog-of-the-year/. You can also find a nifty little graphic to include on your blog here.

3. Encourage others to register before voting. Registered users votes count 3 times more than guests.

4. Keep up the great blogging that got you here in the first place. People are going to be stopping by your blog before voting, and if you have some great, new content, that'll surely increase your vote.

Again, congratulations and good luck! And if you're interested in winning another "blog of the day" award and get in the running for next year's award, check out the new "Blankest Blank Blog Directory." Questions? Please feel free to email me or drop by the forum.

Yayyyyy me!!!!

Now get to votin'...I am NOT the most modest person you have ever met????

Sit The Fuck Down Already!!!

Oh, the incessant EXTREMELY LOUD laughter (read: man-giggle) and the constant snot whistle are killing me...and it's like he can sense that he's pissing me off...so he keeps doing it...oh great, now he's breathing heavy again..not like it takes much to make that happen...he picked up something off the floor the other day and almost had a heart attack when he came back up....I'm serious, he was wheezing and everything...fat bastard.

That FATkins Diet really seems to be working for ya, Belly..woo hoo!!

The Chronicles Of Belly...some more

I had yet another "over the shoulder moment" with that fool Belly.

A fellow blogger - AtYourCervix gave me a really cool shout out the other day. I was, as usual, minding my own damn business reading some of her other posts when suddenly I hear a muffled smacking noise behind me...Mr. Greedy was eating some sort of nasty morsel (as usual) and was also READING EVERY THING ON MY SCREEN OUT LOUD!!!!...asshole

Belly: 2 Epidurals???? wow..did she even know her name?? ahahahahahahha
Me: (thinking) shut up assface
Belly: (all loud and shit) AT YOUR CERVIX??!!! That sure is a funny name!!!..*smack, nosh, gurgle, mouth-fart, smack* hahahahahah

I was so fucking livid, I couldn't fix my mouth to say anything..I grunted a little a slammed my mouse on the desk while I minimized my screen..he caught the hint and sat his fat ass down.

Then as if he couldn't get any weirder....

We had a team meeting and each month we have this thing called "Team Talk". Well during team talk we go around the room and say one positive thing that's going on in our lives or careers....supposed. to. be. positive

Belly decides that this would be a WONDERFUL time to get us to pity him.
Belly: Well I've got good news and bad news....I'm going through a separation right now and my kids have moved away with their mother and relatives. But on a good note, my commute is waaaay shorter because I moved closer to work.

The entire group just sat there in shocked silence..eventually somebody said "aww, that's uh terrible" and he just sat there looking all goofy. I don't think he has any friends to talk to so now we have to be his life coach.

My supervisor had to finally move on...poor thing had to say "Well does anyone else have anything positive to say??"

Talk about awkward moments...

Married..Finally, Dammit!!!

OK, the deed is done!!!!

Me and TOH tied the knot on Saturday - 7/7/07

And just in case you are wondering, I only had TWO Bridezilla moments....

1. I looked out the window and saw that the chairs were facing THE FUCKING CONSTRUCTION SITE across the grassy knoll....men, can't kill em...I called my mom on her cell phone screaming like a banshee and she (I swear, she's the cutest thing alive) said "The bride doesn't want to face a construction site, please turn your chairs around".


2. After the ceremony, the plan was to have everybody walk down the path to the "reception area" (our friend's townhouse) and shortly after, we would have people serve themselves from the buffet...that was "the plan"......There I was, basking in the afterglow of the ceremony, posing for pictures and such when all of a sudden, our male/friend owner of the house comes up to me and says :

Male Friend/Homeowner: We need you at the house..RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Why??

Male Homeowner: It's all going TO SHIT!!

Me: Huh??

Male Homeowner: Nobody knows where to put the food, your whole vision is falling apart!!!

Me: You CAN'T be serious..*suppressing anger*

Male Homeowner: Dead serious


I ripped myself away from my guests and scooted down the path, all worried and shit..When I got there, it all "looked" under control to me...men freak out wayyy too easily.


All in all, it was a fun day though. It was kind of embarrassing to have everybody's eyes on you the whole day while they yelled shit like:"kiss!!" "eat the cake!!" "drink the champagne!!".....


How 'bout shut the hell up?

I must say, champagne is nasty...I've been belching it up since Saturday..maybe because it was CHEAP champagne..yeah, that'll do it.

The cake was good though..here's a picture


















I stuck the flowers and beads and shit in it myself..I am so lady-like.....you'd think I would have ironed the tablecloth though huh??

After the reception, we stayed at The Westin - Our friend payed for ONE night..so we stayed for exactly ONE night..what?? we're cheap asses.
The bed was nice but it wasn't MY bed (I am just NEVER fucking happy) and it didn't have a microwave...sadly, I would have preferred something like the Amerisuites..I know.."ungrateful bitch"..blah blah blah

We also felt pressured by the aforementioned friend to have sex once we got there..she figured that since SHE didn't have sex on her wedding night SOMEBODY was going to..she would have stayed in the room to ensure that we did if I would have let her...I'm serious.
We ended up eating cake..nope, they didn't have silverware in the room..I guess it was romantic, then we watched TV and fell asleep...

We are so fucking sexy


And you are so fucking jealous of it!!!