The Other Half went to the gun shop the other day.
For some reason he wants to buy a gun...I told him HE can't get one until I get one.
Shit, I refuse to let him have an advantage over me.
We joked that, one night, maybe we could have a shoot-out in the hallway..Oh, Good Times
Friday, December 29, 2006
Food Porn - Yet ANOTHER Victim
Oh.The.Hilarity.
We have a new guy in our pod bay. He's flippin' hilarious.
Yesterday the new guy sat down at his desk to eat his breakfast..Belly IMMEDIATELY noticed and of course, made a comment:
Belly: Hey, I see ya got some Chik-Fil-A there
New Guy: Uh yeah, I do
A few moments of silence pass and New Guy starts to eat.....
Belly: Oooo, is that one of those breakfast sandwiches they got? That's looks REAL good! Wow!!Mmm Hmm..blah blah blah (imagine his wide-eyed, eager expression)
New Guy: (with a "what the fuck is going on" look on his face) Uh yeah, what of it??
Me: Oh, New Guy, let me explain, Belly has a Food Porn addiction
New Guy: Huh??
Belly: (Man-Giggling uncontrollably but at the same time looking VERY embarrassed)
Me: Yeah, he likes to stare at people's food for some reason
New Guy: (Now giving ME the "WTF" look) Really??...Well, what's that about?
Me: (Shrugging and thinking to myself: Because he's a Fat Bastard) Who knows..he just says that he enjoys the "look of a good meal"
New Guy: Uh, ok..I think
New Guy then turned back to his desk and uncomfortably ate his breakfast.
Belly just sat there with a stupid grin on his face and after we ignored him for some time he turned his dumb ass around and got back to work.
Today New Guy says to me: "What the HELL was that all about??"
I tried to explain it to him but even I felt stupid after a while..finally I ended it with "Hell, he's just a weird motherfucker"
New Guy agreed and said: "Well Hungry Smitty needs to back off"...the way he said was like HOWNNNGREE..heeelarious
HUNGRY SMITTY??? I laughed myself sick on that one but we agreed to keep that name between us (and all of Blogosphere)..for now.
I think I may have a new partner in crime....{Insert Evil laugh here}
We have a new guy in our pod bay. He's flippin' hilarious.
Yesterday the new guy sat down at his desk to eat his breakfast..Belly IMMEDIATELY noticed and of course, made a comment:
Belly: Hey, I see ya got some Chik-Fil-A there
New Guy: Uh yeah, I do
A few moments of silence pass and New Guy starts to eat.....
Belly: Oooo, is that one of those breakfast sandwiches they got? That's looks REAL good! Wow!!Mmm Hmm..blah blah blah (imagine his wide-eyed, eager expression)
New Guy: (with a "what the fuck is going on" look on his face) Uh yeah, what of it??
Me: Oh, New Guy, let me explain, Belly has a Food Porn addiction
New Guy: Huh??
Belly: (Man-Giggling uncontrollably but at the same time looking VERY embarrassed)
Me: Yeah, he likes to stare at people's food for some reason
New Guy: (Now giving ME the "WTF" look) Really??...Well, what's that about?
Me: (Shrugging and thinking to myself: Because he's a Fat Bastard) Who knows..he just says that he enjoys the "look of a good meal"
New Guy: Uh, ok..I think
New Guy then turned back to his desk and uncomfortably ate his breakfast.
Belly just sat there with a stupid grin on his face and after we ignored him for some time he turned his dumb ass around and got back to work.
Today New Guy says to me: "What the HELL was that all about??"
I tried to explain it to him but even I felt stupid after a while..finally I ended it with "Hell, he's just a weird motherfucker"
New Guy agreed and said: "Well Hungry Smitty needs to back off"...the way he said was like HOWNNNGREE..heeelarious
HUNGRY SMITTY??? I laughed myself sick on that one but we agreed to keep that name between us (and all of Blogosphere)..for now.
I think I may have a new partner in crime....{Insert Evil laugh here}
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Ethiopians...
I forgot to mention that I worked at my OTHER part time job this weekend too.
I was SUPPOSED to be the cashier at the nightclub but lately they’ve had me doing “other” things. This time I was supposed to use a blacklight to make sure that no counterfeit tickets came through the door…yeah, boring, and stupid since they NEVER gave me a blacklight and no one EVER handed me a ticket.
Sunday’s event was for Teddy Afro. He’s like the Michael Jackson of Ethiopian Reggae from what I hear..just like the last show I worked, the crowd went complete bat-shit when he came out on stage.
His opening act, Abdu Kiar came out two separate times for some reason.
The promoter had his own cashiers (4 of them???) and his own ticket takers so I basically just sat on a barstool and talked shit…I’m just SO good at that.
Ok, I’m about to offend a whole ethnic group……While they are absoulutely GORGEOUS people, Ethiopian people smell “different”. I’m sure they thought I smelled like ass crack too but..whatever.
They dress a little “different” too. It’s almost like they can’t pair decades and/or seasons and colors correctly.
For instance:
A Summer dress with leather ankle boots..uh..no
A BRIGHT orange and black top with royal purple pants..that are highwaters..tsk tsk tsk
I guess these are technically “my people” and I shouldn’t make fun of them but, DAMN, they make it hard not to!
I was SUPPOSED to be the cashier at the nightclub but lately they’ve had me doing “other” things. This time I was supposed to use a blacklight to make sure that no counterfeit tickets came through the door…yeah, boring, and stupid since they NEVER gave me a blacklight and no one EVER handed me a ticket.
Sunday’s event was for Teddy Afro. He’s like the Michael Jackson of Ethiopian Reggae from what I hear..just like the last show I worked, the crowd went complete bat-shit when he came out on stage.
His opening act, Abdu Kiar came out two separate times for some reason.
The promoter had his own cashiers (4 of them???) and his own ticket takers so I basically just sat on a barstool and talked shit…I’m just SO good at that.
Ok, I’m about to offend a whole ethnic group……While they are absoulutely GORGEOUS people, Ethiopian people smell “different”. I’m sure they thought I smelled like ass crack too but..whatever.
They dress a little “different” too. It’s almost like they can’t pair decades and/or seasons and colors correctly.
For instance:
A Summer dress with leather ankle boots..uh..no
A BRIGHT orange and black top with royal purple pants..that are highwaters..tsk tsk tsk
I guess these are technically “my people” and I shouldn’t make fun of them but, DAMN, they make it hard not to!
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
He's Dead Before Sundown....
There I was..minding my own damn business and here comes Belly's retarded ass....
Belly: Hey, hey...hey you ( he is such a stupid ass)
Me: What
Belly: You don't have to do the "click-down" for me...I'm friendly fire
Me: (thinking) What in the fucking hell are you talking about?
Me: (out loud) What do you mean?
Belly: Your blog, I saw you minimize a screen earlier when I looked over and I figured it was your blog
Me: What are you talking about..I haven't been on my blog in weeks. I was looking at urban dictionary (you stupid fucking asshole)
Belly: Oh, I was just saying..ummm, cuz I know I may have said something to you before but, hey, that's your thing, umm, err, uhhh. I don't know, uh I'm your buddy in this situation..hee hee, uhhh
Me: (giving him the "whatever, stupid" I'm not sure what you saw..I've been looking at the urban dictionary for like, hours.
Belly: Oh, ok, I'm sorry, my bad, uhh, umm
Then he sat his sad, stupid ass down, looking all embarassed.
I am REALLY sick of his snooping ass. His glasses are stupid thick, I guess taht's how he's able to see all the way over here with his Super Duper X-Ray vision.
Belly: Hey, hey...hey you ( he is such a stupid ass)
Me: What
Belly: You don't have to do the "click-down" for me...I'm friendly fire
Me: (thinking) What in the fucking hell are you talking about?
Me: (out loud) What do you mean?
Belly: Your blog, I saw you minimize a screen earlier when I looked over and I figured it was your blog
Me: What are you talking about..I haven't been on my blog in weeks. I was looking at urban dictionary (you stupid fucking asshole)
Belly: Oh, I was just saying..ummm, cuz I know I may have said something to you before but, hey, that's your thing, umm, err, uhhh. I don't know, uh I'm your buddy in this situation..hee hee, uhhh
Me: (giving him the "whatever, stupid" I'm not sure what you saw..I've been looking at the urban dictionary for like, hours.
Belly: Oh, ok, I'm sorry, my bad, uhh, umm
Then he sat his sad, stupid ass down, looking all embarassed.
I am REALLY sick of his snooping ass. His glasses are stupid thick, I guess taht's how he's able to see all the way over here with his Super Duper X-Ray vision.
Freakin' Damn Christmas...
I need a vacation from my vacation.....
Friday:
I got off of work early to go Christmas shopping because I seemingly like to smoke crack in my sleep.
The mall was "straight stupid" by the time I got there at 1pm...I nearly got run over in the parking lot by an SUV/soccer mom..(and you know how I feel about the SUV/soccer moms). I should have keyed her shit but I had to get to Lane Bryant.
I kicked LB in the teeth and only spent $65..most of it was for myself...what? I figure if ya can't treat yourself then who CAN you treat???? Anyway, they had $45 purses in there for $5.95, I bought 4 of them. Hell,I figure that's what it cost to make them so I did pretty well.
I then made the mistake of going into Claire's..bad move. The store is about 14 square feet of shiny bullshit, add to that about 57 people all going for the same earrings and you've got a mess on your hands. I finally made it out of there alive and decided to wander in to Bloomingdales..after looking at a $90 Ralph Lauren baby sweater, I wandered my ass right back out.
Then, because I hadn't been tortured enough, I decided to go to Wal-Mart...yeah, I know.
I picked up all the gifts for the "old guys" in my life. Socks, pajamas etc...Of course I could not leave without that $11 jean jacket for myself..what? It was on clearance and it has brass accents for god's sake!!
Saturday:
Worked my part-time job..cause I'm stupid.
Michael Vick came in to get his free shoes and clothes per his Nike deal.
Isn't it funny that once you get rich, everything is FREE!!??!!
Anyway..he was stuck up, as usual...ok maybe I'm being mean, maybe he's just shy..whatever.
Sunday:
We sat around most of the day watching cooking shows. The Other Half made Nigella's Chicken and Sausage Bake. It was pretty damn good, I don't like italian sausage though...picky, picky, picky.
I made a Nilla Banana Pudding for a party we were going to on Christmas. Yes, I made the recipe from scratch dammit!! I tried it once with instant pudding and it just wasn't the same.
Look at this recipe from a Blog called The Noisy Kitchen - freaking hilarious
Monday:
Woo Hoo it's Christmas dammmit!!! Me and TOH made our own ghetto version of a Honeybaked Ham for our friend's party..damn tasty, we used pineapple rum in the glaze with lots of brown sugar and some dried mustard..we are such chefs.
Our first trip was to my step-cousin's (I think) house. Really nice house, just out in the middle of east Egypt. They only paid $160,000 for it two years ago..of course the townhouses across the street from my apartment start in the high $300,000s..bastards.
I got one of those huge, fluffy robe/house dress things from my Step Grandma..I freakin LOVE it more than words can express..mmmm toasty.
They made a spinach and cheese quiche for brunch..I shouldn't have eaten so much of it..damn my stomach hurts and I refuse to poop at other people's houses (Remember "Shit Break" from American Pie??).
Next/Last Stop - We're finally at the Christmas Party..damn, that's a lot of food over there. As if I wasn't already sick, I ate more food..this must be what Belly feels like..mindless eating for no reason.
Ok, throw the "shit comment" that I made earlier out the window...I couldn't take it anymore, I HAD to go. Luckily we were at my pregnant friend's house and she actually invites you to shit at her house..she likes for people to be comfortable..uh, ok.
We were having a pretty good time over there until my pregnant friend's husband (who happened to be blazing drunk by the time we got there) started to watch the Cowboys game...he acts as if he plays for the damn team or something. At one point he got so pissed off that he threw the remote at the wall!
My poor Mom was there and she was so embarrassed. I wanted to kill his ass after the first 50 "F-bombs" he dropped in front of her and then TOH was ready to go..you know it's serious when even HE gets mad.
Well, party ruined, time to go home.
I was so tired that I went STRAIGHT to bed...and in the amazing way that he has perfected, TOH was asleep AND snoring loudly before my head hit the pillow...I feel like choking him sometimes.
Just when I was in that real good, peaceful dreaming like sleep, the damn phone rings....I'm thinking somebody BETTER be dead or at least bleeding severely.
I looked over at the Caller-ID and it's one of TOH's friends from his hometown...I knew that if I picked it up, somebody's feelings would be hurt so I let it ring...damn it all to hell, now I'm awake..and so is TOH..we're both pissed and I dare him to call that bastard back..he never did. I tossed and turned until 2am and TOH fell asleep watching tv in the front room...we were NOT happy campers the next morning as you can imagine.
People can be so damn rude.
Friday:
I got off of work early to go Christmas shopping because I seemingly like to smoke crack in my sleep.
The mall was "straight stupid" by the time I got there at 1pm...I nearly got run over in the parking lot by an SUV/soccer mom..(and you know how I feel about the SUV/soccer moms). I should have keyed her shit but I had to get to Lane Bryant.
I kicked LB in the teeth and only spent $65..most of it was for myself...what? I figure if ya can't treat yourself then who CAN you treat???? Anyway, they had $45 purses in there for $5.95, I bought 4 of them. Hell,I figure that's what it cost to make them so I did pretty well.
I then made the mistake of going into Claire's..bad move. The store is about 14 square feet of shiny bullshit, add to that about 57 people all going for the same earrings and you've got a mess on your hands. I finally made it out of there alive and decided to wander in to Bloomingdales..after looking at a $90 Ralph Lauren baby sweater, I wandered my ass right back out.
Then, because I hadn't been tortured enough, I decided to go to Wal-Mart...yeah, I know.
I picked up all the gifts for the "old guys" in my life. Socks, pajamas etc...Of course I could not leave without that $11 jean jacket for myself..what? It was on clearance and it has brass accents for god's sake!!
Saturday:
Worked my part-time job..cause I'm stupid.
Michael Vick came in to get his free shoes and clothes per his Nike deal.
Isn't it funny that once you get rich, everything is FREE!!??!!
Anyway..he was stuck up, as usual...ok maybe I'm being mean, maybe he's just shy..whatever.
Sunday:
We sat around most of the day watching cooking shows. The Other Half made Nigella's Chicken and Sausage Bake. It was pretty damn good, I don't like italian sausage though...picky, picky, picky.
I made a Nilla Banana Pudding for a party we were going to on Christmas. Yes, I made the recipe from scratch dammit!! I tried it once with instant pudding and it just wasn't the same.
Look at this recipe from a Blog called The Noisy Kitchen - freaking hilarious
Monday:
Woo Hoo it's Christmas dammmit!!! Me and TOH made our own ghetto version of a Honeybaked Ham for our friend's party..damn tasty, we used pineapple rum in the glaze with lots of brown sugar and some dried mustard..we are such chefs.
Our first trip was to my step-cousin's (I think) house. Really nice house, just out in the middle of east Egypt. They only paid $160,000 for it two years ago..of course the townhouses across the street from my apartment start in the high $300,000s..bastards.
I got one of those huge, fluffy robe/house dress things from my Step Grandma..I freakin LOVE it more than words can express..mmmm toasty.
They made a spinach and cheese quiche for brunch..I shouldn't have eaten so much of it..damn my stomach hurts and I refuse to poop at other people's houses (Remember "Shit Break" from American Pie??).
Next/Last Stop - We're finally at the Christmas Party..damn, that's a lot of food over there. As if I wasn't already sick, I ate more food..this must be what Belly feels like..mindless eating for no reason.
Ok, throw the "shit comment" that I made earlier out the window...I couldn't take it anymore, I HAD to go. Luckily we were at my pregnant friend's house and she actually invites you to shit at her house..she likes for people to be comfortable..uh, ok.
We were having a pretty good time over there until my pregnant friend's husband (who happened to be blazing drunk by the time we got there) started to watch the Cowboys game...he acts as if he plays for the damn team or something. At one point he got so pissed off that he threw the remote at the wall!
My poor Mom was there and she was so embarrassed. I wanted to kill his ass after the first 50 "F-bombs" he dropped in front of her and then TOH was ready to go..you know it's serious when even HE gets mad.
Well, party ruined, time to go home.
I was so tired that I went STRAIGHT to bed...and in the amazing way that he has perfected, TOH was asleep AND snoring loudly before my head hit the pillow...I feel like choking him sometimes.
Just when I was in that real good, peaceful dreaming like sleep, the damn phone rings....I'm thinking somebody BETTER be dead or at least bleeding severely.
I looked over at the Caller-ID and it's one of TOH's friends from his hometown...I knew that if I picked it up, somebody's feelings would be hurt so I let it ring...damn it all to hell, now I'm awake..and so is TOH..we're both pissed and I dare him to call that bastard back..he never did. I tossed and turned until 2am and TOH fell asleep watching tv in the front room...we were NOT happy campers the next morning as you can imagine.
People can be so damn rude.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
STEP AWAY FROM THE COOKIES!!! An Update...
Ok..After some urging from another co-worker (who witnessed the cookies LAST WEEK), I tried to throw the cookies away and I swear..in slow motion..this asshole (Belly) screams and reaches..
NOOOOOOOO!!! Don't throw THEM away....I'll eat em!!!!!!
I was soooo embarrassed for him
You greedy son of a BITCH!!!!!
NOOOOOOOO!!! Don't throw THEM away....I'll eat em!!!!!!
I was soooo embarrassed for him
You greedy son of a BITCH!!!!!
STEP AWAY FROM THE COOKIES!!!
OK, Like I said before, it's busy around here early in the week so I don't have much time to blog so I'll tell you about my christmas weekend a little later..
I HAD to let somebody know about the beat down Belly is giving these christmas cookies over here (Wait, That sounded kinda dirty..Yeckkkk)
Anyway, LAST FRIDAY, one of our supervisors brought a box of decorated christmas cookies. We opened them..kinda ate a few and forgot about them SITTING ON A DESK, IN THE WIDE OPEN FOR 4 DAYS!!!!. Belly discovered them this morning and has been at them, non-stop for 4 hours.
You can hear him on the phone attempting to tuck one into his fat cheeks while giving people technical instructions..people keep asking him to repeat himself..think he'd get the hint?? NOPE!!
I explained that the cookies were sitting out in the open for days and he just shrugged and said: "I guess I'll roll the dice on this one....these cookies are damn GOOD!!" and he continued to eat them...ewww, you nasty, fat bastard.
I'm thinking of waiting until the end of my day, walking over to them and just CHUCKING them in the garbage...right in front of him...he works the late shift..pretty much all alone....he would be sooooo pissed but it would be sooooo funny.
I HAD to let somebody know about the beat down Belly is giving these christmas cookies over here (Wait, That sounded kinda dirty..Yeckkkk)
Anyway, LAST FRIDAY, one of our supervisors brought a box of decorated christmas cookies. We opened them..kinda ate a few and forgot about them SITTING ON A DESK, IN THE WIDE OPEN FOR 4 DAYS!!!!. Belly discovered them this morning and has been at them, non-stop for 4 hours.
You can hear him on the phone attempting to tuck one into his fat cheeks while giving people technical instructions..people keep asking him to repeat himself..think he'd get the hint?? NOPE!!
I explained that the cookies were sitting out in the open for days and he just shrugged and said: "I guess I'll roll the dice on this one....these cookies are damn GOOD!!" and he continued to eat them...ewww, you nasty, fat bastard.
I'm thinking of waiting until the end of my day, walking over to them and just CHUCKING them in the garbage...right in front of him...he works the late shift..pretty much all alone....he would be sooooo pissed but it would be sooooo funny.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Nasty Heffas
I just had to tell SOMEbody about the nasty bitches I work with......
I'm pretty sure that we have either:
A: Hermaphrodites
OR
B: Transvestites
that are using the ladies room in our department...how is that piss gets ON THE BACK OF THE TOILET SEAT????
Ewww
Is it REALLY physically possible to cantilever one's big ass THAT far back???
And another thing: Are you in SUCH a hurry to leave that you can't LOOK BEHIND YOU when you flush.....
Just. Nasty.
I'm pretty sure that we have either:
A: Hermaphrodites
OR
B: Transvestites
that are using the ladies room in our department...how is that piss gets ON THE BACK OF THE TOILET SEAT????
Ewww
Is it REALLY physically possible to cantilever one's big ass THAT far back???
And another thing: Are you in SUCH a hurry to leave that you can't LOOK BEHIND YOU when you flush.....
Just. Nasty.
This Has GOT To Stop!!
Okay, remember my post about Christmas Sweaters???
Ok, I admit, this is kinda cute
Well today I overheard two Sweater Wearing Broads in the hallway......
1st SWB: Hey!! It's good to see you!
2nd SWB: Hi! I was starting to think you weren't going to wear one this season!
1st SWB: (Incoherent babble) I know!! I was worried you'd think that...Blah Blah..Found it the closet the other day...Blah Blah
You should have seen the look on my face..what the fuck is this? "Sweater Peer Pressure"??
It'll be hard to do but I'll try to explain what these chicks were wearing:
SWB #1 had on this red knit thing with little sparkly presents all over it with...*GASP-..A GOD DAMNED FEATHER BOA thing around the neck!! (Look at this article and laugh your ass off please)
SWB #2 was tame by comparison. Hers was bright green with sparkly tinsel threads and 12 inch tall snow-people-scarecrow looking appliques circling the perimeter...
I'm sure they thought I was admiring their sweaters by the way I was staring....So Sad.
Here are so more examples for your viewing pleasure..these damn things cost about $125!!!!
An article titled "Xmas Party Stylin" in the December issue of Men's Health states:
"It's a fine line between festive and foolish". "While garish outfits might get you some punch-bowl-driven laughs, preserve your reputation as a class act by avoiding sweaters with reindeer or snowflakes, ties that could double as wrapping paper and any combination of red and green."
So the fashion gurus have spoken. And the stores beckon. And the rest is up to you.
OH MY DREIDEL!!...They even have THESE:
Ok, I admit, this is kinda cuteOh Sweet Gluttony.....
This morning, Belly decided to treat us all with bagels from Panera Bread - He brought his "favorite ones" - The Cinnamon Crunch kind...granted, they are pretty damn good (Damn, 410 calories EACH) but he took it to a WHOLE 'NOTHER LEVEL:
As usual, he came bounding down the aisle (the floor literally shaking the whole time) but today he had this glazed look in his eyes and he was breathing all heavy (what's new?)
Belly: (all wispy sounding) They're HOT!!!
Me: ('cuz I'm a smartass) What? They're STOLEN??
Belly: No, I mean they're right out of the oven..I waited 10 minutes for them!!
He busts the container open and takes two bigunns out for himself (for starters). He sat at his desk and proceeded to sing sweet nothings into his bagel's ears..flippin' weirdo.
A couple of people started to line up to get their bagel and this jackass keeps saying:
"THEY'RE HOT ya know!!!" (insert wide-eyed, silly ass look here) "I WAITED for them!!!" (Insert long ass story about how there were only 4 in the case when he got there and he yelled across the bakery for more..blah blah blah - here)
He says this shit to everybody that comes to the table...they all just smiled uncomfortably and kept their heads down before rushing back to their desks.
After a while, people coming to the table just start to blurt out: "We know!! They're HOT!!
I just sat at my desk laughing..I swear I nearly pissed myself every time somebody walked up..and this jackass seriously had no clue what I was laughing at!!
He is SUCH an embarassment to our area....
As usual, he came bounding down the aisle (the floor literally shaking the whole time) but today he had this glazed look in his eyes and he was breathing all heavy (what's new?)
Belly: (all wispy sounding) They're HOT!!!
Me: ('cuz I'm a smartass) What? They're STOLEN??
Belly: No, I mean they're right out of the oven..I waited 10 minutes for them!!
He busts the container open and takes two bigunns out for himself (for starters). He sat at his desk and proceeded to sing sweet nothings into his bagel's ears..flippin' weirdo.
A couple of people started to line up to get their bagel and this jackass keeps saying:
"THEY'RE HOT ya know!!!" (insert wide-eyed, silly ass look here) "I WAITED for them!!!" (Insert long ass story about how there were only 4 in the case when he got there and he yelled across the bakery for more..blah blah blah - here)
He says this shit to everybody that comes to the table...they all just smiled uncomfortably and kept their heads down before rushing back to their desks.
After a while, people coming to the table just start to blurt out: "We know!! They're HOT!!
I just sat at my desk laughing..I swear I nearly pissed myself every time somebody walked up..and this jackass seriously had no clue what I was laughing at!!
He is SUCH an embarassment to our area....
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