Last night after work, My carpool friend drove us to Whole Foods. It must have been a full moon or something because shit got real weird, real fast:
Bat-Shit Incident #1:
On the way, she needed to get gas so after being raped, I mean after pumping her gas, she decided to splurge and get the $6 car wash..we pulled around to the automated wash, she entered the code, pulled her truck in until the screen said stop..then it told her to go, then stop..then go...what the?....it then soaped up the BACK of her truck..stopped, then rinsed HALF of it, then showed some errors.
After much prodding from me, she pulled around to ask for her money back. She's a very mellow person who doesn't usually freak out but I do my best to be a bad influence on her..poor thing. The attendant actually had the nerve to try and say that the truck "looked fine to him"..uh did ya see the SOAP all over it?? Guess not.
So we leave there and head to Whole Foods..I flippin' love that place, it's like a theme park, expensive food and all.
Now normally, the employees there are soooo nice, almost too nice (One lady hugged me once) but this time was different:
Bat-Shit Incident #2:
After wandering through the sexy organic produce section ($4.99/pound for grapes??!!) we made our way to the pizza parlor. An older Asian man was making pizzas with his back sort of turned to us. We waited...and eventually he turned around..sort of..after a while he looks at us and says: "You hungry?"...what the fuck kind of greeting is that??? My friend proceeded to order two slices, one with mushrooms, extra cheese and one with pepperoni, extra cheese..well that threw old boy off because he looked at the slices that were out, didn't see anything close to that and just stared at my friend..she asked him again and he sort of huffed..he obviously wants his ass kicked..My friend is far too nice and patient...he made do with the available slices and added mushrooms and cheese to one and more cheese to the other, boxed them up and handed them over.."great!" you're saying but did I mention that THOSE INGREDIENTS WERE RAW!!??!!
She ALMOST fell for that shit but of course I urged her to be pissed. She asked him if he could "please heat them up"..more huffing..I wanted to knock his calzones over but she wouldn't let me. Oh, I forgot to tell you that he deliberately let them burn in the oven a little..asshole.
Oh, but I'm not done....
Bat-Shit Incident #3:
Now we're finally ready to checkout..wait..look at all those pretty cakes...I had to be pried away from the bakery dept..ooooh, look at the gelato...this place is so bad for you..
Now we're at the registers..only two lanes open..on a busy Friday night..great..I waited patiently while scanning the front for an open register. There was this big muscle-bound dude in front of me with a carton of something..after TWO seconds of waiting, he says "fuck it" and THROWS his items at the cosmetic shelf behind him and storms out of the store...hemp lipstick and shit goes flying everywhere..me and the guy next to me can only stare in disbelief..what in the hell is going on around here??
Oh but wait it gets worse...the motherfuckin' coup de grâce...
Bat-Shit Incident #4:
We're finally in the parking lot. I reach to open the door when all of a sudden, I hear a blood curdling scream. As I look back I see a little girl on the ground burst out crying while holding her foot.
At that same time I see a 40ish blonde lady in a white velour sweatsuit falling down on the ground while simultaneously tipping her cart over...
We saw her in the store earlier and took the opportunity to make fun of how it was 3 sizes too small in ALL the wrong places and she was on her cell phone...yelling. She looked like the typical, local "rich bitch" that wanders around in their tennis outfits all day.
Let me stop for a moment to explain something.
I have to say that it all looked "staged"..it was almost as if when she realized that she had rolled over her daughter's foot, she thought it would be a good idea to also fall on the ground and start screaming..fucking weirdo. It wasn't like the cart was even all that big or unwieldy..you know how Whole Foods has the 3 sizes of carts?
The little silver one that holds the plastic basket (The compact car)
The cute, new pewter one with the metal basket-like compartments (The crossover hybrid)
and the BIG WILLIE one that looks like a normal cart (The SUV)
Well this broad had the crossover hybrid type with about 4 bags in it...well all over the parking lot at this point.
Anyway, as usual, I digress.
As I was turning around to take my little cart back, a car slammed on brakes in front of the mêlée and a lady jumped out asking if everything was ok. Me and the "car lady" turned the cart right side up and tried to put the bags back in it. Meanwhile, the crazy falling bitch is LITERALLY running around in a circle, screaming and asking where her keys are (they're on the ground with the rest of your shit ya crazy cow!!).
Her little girl is all confused looking, still holding her foot and crying. I told her to sit down on the curb and tried to calm her but by the looks of her mother, that wasn't going to happen.
At this point the mom is opening the lift gate of her ridiculously large SUV-mobile..there was a teenage boy and a weird looking large, white poodle dog back there (??) looking at her crazy.
She starts screaming at the boy (and dog too, I guess) to "GET ME SOME ICE!!!!!"...the poor boy starts to get out..then she screams at the dog to "STAY IN THE CAR AUSSIE".."AUSSIE!!!!!". Aussie was like "whatever, lady" and he ran over to the little girl and started barking.
Crazy lady completely lost her shit at that point.
When I say this ho was screaming...she was REALLY screaming..poor dog..poor kids.
I finally decided that this was too much to handle and slowly backed out of the situation. "Car lady" was still kind of caught up in the madness but I could tell that she'd had enough too. The whole time, I waiting for Ashton Kutcher and a camera crew to come running up.
Can you imagine what day to day life is like with her?? We decided that if she was married, her husband is probably NEVER home..and we're sure that he has a mistress....
The craziness of this lady kept me up for most of the night...I'm weird like that.
I kept thinking:
Maybe she has a chemical imbalance like that lady in Running With Scissors
Maybe she's going through something traumatic, like the death of a family member
Maybe it's just been a long day
TOH told me that if I didn't go to sleep, he'd give ME a chemical imbalance..off to sleep I went...actually I just pretended to sleep..she was still bothering me.
7 comments:
Love your blog!
What that last scene needed was to be Youtubed and lulzed up with some Yackity Sax.
I bet you were very glad to see that day end!
sorry...I think this post is so funny....
Emily, don't be sorry..I actually laughed at the crazy lady while it was happening..shame on us..haha
Oh my gouda! When I worked at the Whole we always had bizarre shit happening. Like this 40-something, middle class bicycle enthusiast who came in nearly every morning dressed all in spandex with his clip-into-the-pedal-shoes and his 11 year old daughter in tow. He would get bread, put it on the table, buy something at the coffee bar, and leave without paying for the bread. And I don't mean like one loaf, he'd grab half a dozen. None of us ever noticed because the bread cases were so high we couldn't see him. He did this a few times before management started sniffing around and he finally got caught. WITH his daughter, and she was absolutely mortified that her dad was doing this. Poor thing, having to wait in the office until the police came for her dad...
Oh! And Allen--also 40-something, but a major bodybuilder with a perfectly groomed goatee and a bleached, permed mullet 'do. He owns a local salon. He goes to my Whole Foods every Saturday night with his wife dressed in skimpy/sheer negligees and stilettos. Oh no, not the wife--ALLEN!
Riot..all I can say is ..wow..At least Allen can walk in stilettos, that's more than I can say for myself
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