We Needed To Have A Meeting About The Meeting

Corporate America needs to stop it.

First of all, this morning I had to get up an hour earlier than usual to go to a training class at our sister facility TWENTY MILES AWAY FROM MY HOUSE...IN HORRIBLE TRAFFIC...oh, and I had to bring "homework"...In order to stay awake for the long two hour class, I made the mistake of drinking waaay too much of my homemade coffee (because I have a tendency to fall asleep in conference/training rooms) and now my stomach is boiling..loose stool..mmm yummy.

When I got in the car to leave, I noticed that it was BELOW "E"...great...Since payday isn't until tomorrow, I floated a check at Publix to get some cash (because I am the picture of financial responsibility) and then had to pray all the way to the gas station...it fucking kills me how little gas I can get for $20 these days.

Then if that wasn't enough, once I got back to the office I realized that we had a 1.5 hour "team meeting" to go to which meant I only had 20 minutes to eat my lunch.

As you can imagine, I wasn't exactly an "effective team member" for the rest of the day.

You can call me "Irritable Bitch" today - thankyouverymuch

And then we can have a meeting to discuss it.

WTF??

My friend and co-worker called to say that her husband (who I call "Big Boy") collapsed at the gym last night and WENT INTO CARDIAC ARREST!!

WTF??

This is a 35 year old guy who STILL plays football every weekend, has lost a good 50 pounds AND is in the best shape of his life...

And then I look at my and my husband's out of shape asses..this doesn't look good.

She said that after he regained consciousness in the hospital, he was laughing and joking and had the nerve to say that he wanted to go home...men

It's sad that our men think that they are invincible and that "doctors are full of shit" (as my husband would say)..granted, a very small number of them have been full o' shit but at least I WENT IN to find that out...*grumble*

I finally got back in the gym earlier this week and walked 1.6 miles on the treadmill..nothing to write home about but it's a start..I guess...I was feeling all great until I stepped off the damn thing, got dizzy and almost fainted..

It's scary to think that my friend's husband said that he felt just like that last night.

I plan on going home tonight and hugging the hell out of my husband.

Weird Traditions

So I know we're about TEN DAYS late but...

We ate a piece of or wedding cake top the other night...um..huh?

I was told that it was good luck or something so I did as I was told and wrapped it up real tight for freezing...but because we have the smallest freezer known to man, I tucked it away in my friend's deep freezer in her garage.

Cut to the weekend before 7/7/08 - I call my friend to tell her that we're coming by to pickup our frozen block of weirdness and she says: "oh..umm, we may have a problem"....huh?, what problem??
"Well, it MAY or MAY NOT taste like habaneros...uh, there was a African Stew spilling incident in the freezer recently"...oh..ok.

When we got it, the outside foil smelled a little funky but I gloved up (actually I just put plastic Zip-locs on my hands) and re-wrapped it...in a garage...in 100 degree humidity..yay.

I let it defrost a little in the freezer for a while. The whole time, TOH is claiming that he will MAKE me taste it fist, "Just in case it's nasty"..great...thanks. But of course, In my mind I'm thinking that I'm going to make HIM taste it first....He claimed that he couldn't enjoy the first time around because he had "The Bubble Guts" all day at our wedding..nervous much??

It looked pretty good..I guess





It looked dry..but strangely, it wasn't...the frosting tasted fresh still..sort of.

and after 10 minutes of hemming and hawing from my husband..we got through it..It wasn't exactly bad per se..but it wasn't actually all that good either...



Then we came to our senses...



and decided that this would be the best place to "store" the rest of the cake...



Looks like somebody - who shall remain nameless - needs to take the damn trash out already..for shit's sake!!

But I do love him..really, I do.

Being A Whore As Usual

This week I have dubbed myself the "Store Whore" at my part time job.

I have yet another "work crush" on yet another "boy" at work..I'm such a skeezer.

There's this guy who works in the store room downstairs and I swear, the first time I saw him, I almost fainted..He's maybe 6'6" and probably weighs around 350 pounds...in a good way..oh, and his skin is like smooth, dark chocolate...yum

He makes my lust worse by wearing really tight shirts like this:



And believe me when I say: He fills out every inch of it...and then some.

My best day was when he was asked to demonstrate some of the training equipment..oh yeah, that was nice...and there I was, being the cougar cheerleader..so, so sad.

But then he opened his mouth to speak and it sounded like:

"duh duh duh..er..um..duh duh duh"

What a turn off...good looking men should just shut up and look fine sometimes.

Don't worry, I informed my husband of my whoreishness and as usual, all he is worried about is if the man can "help out with some of the bills around here"....

Oh, Men.

And We're Stiiilll Together...

Yes people, it's been one whole year since I married that dude...and hey, we haven't killed each other yet..but tomorrow is another day.

We've actually been together since '98..damn that seems like forever ago...but this year seems to have flown by.

It hasn't been easy though - considering that two weeks ago, I wanted him to "get the hell out of my house" - but we've worked it all out..mostly..and I wouldn't trade him for any man (except maybe Brad Pit..or Derek Jeter..or The Rock..AHEM..anywayyyys).

I love the hell out of my husband..who else can I actually watch and laugh at Elmo on Sesame Street with or trade farts with that won't think I'm wacked??
Not bad for a guy that I met on the Internet huh?

We went to Whole Foods yesterday and spent 700 million dollars on two ORGANIC tomatoes, 15 pine nuts, a box of frozen mussels (which were actually very good), a rosemary/olive oil demi baguette and some fresh mozzarella...since when did we get so damn bourgie??

Oh, and I actually made pesto for the first time..and no one died. I figured I should do SOMETHING with that poor basil plant (that I've had to replace twice due to neglect).
So anyway, I made this appetizer thing that's made of sliced tomatoes sprinkled with salt, pepper and olive oil, schmeared with pesto and topped with the fresh mozzarella that can I just say, is the most dangerous thing to slice EVER??....me and the digressing...
here's a pic that I found on the innurnets:



Except I put mine under the broiler....and it wasn't stacked so high..ha

Then we made mussels with a cream garlic white wine sauce..yum

And since we're greedy bastards, for dessert we had peach cobbler and ice cream..hell naw, I didn't make the cobbler...Mrs. Smith's does a wonderful job.

Tonight we plan on going to a nice Brazilian steakhouse downtown...with a 2 for 1 coupon..because we're just cheap like that and because we can't seem to keep our asses out of Whole Foods aka "The 700 million dollar grocery bill place".

Oh..this is SO my favorite song right now..the lyrics really hit home....

Mary J Blige - Be Without You



*Edited to add:

I can't believe I said I put mine under the BOILER..instead of BROILER..how embarrassing...I have since changed it because I am anal like that...

FedEx - Just Stop The Madness

As usual, I'm irritated by a certain company's foolishness...

FedEx..you bastards.

I used to love FedEx, my friend Freddie worked for them and I used to hang out in the FedEx store downtown with him..inappropriate? Of course.

Oh, and there used to be this FIIIIIINE Fedex guy that would deliver to this office I worked in. Mmm, nice shorts... Every time we would hear his little computer thing beeping from around the corner, all the ladies in the office would line up like whores at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch and primp and smile at him..."Hiii FedEx guy"..God, we were such tramps.

Have I mentioned that I get a really obscene discount at the store where I serve time work part time?

Well, one day I made the mistake of letting one of my co-workers at my day job find this little fact out and (as rumors in a cubicle farm usually do) it spread like wildfire except it didn't burn down the office..damn it.

Anteeeeway, their last order came up to nearly $400. I ordered it all online and fully expecting it to be shipped to my house ON TIME like it always does but noooo, that's just how my luck fucks me.

First, two small boxes came:

1 with a T-shirt for my fashionally challenged coworker Hee Haw Woo Hoo
1 with a pair of gym shorts for the same fashionally challenged man
(what a waste of cardboard)

*begin long-winded rant here*

Did I tell you that it took over two days of tortuous persuasion for me to get him to even order this shit? An order that also included a very nice pair of kicks and another outfit...for chrissakes, he was actually sweating at one point and nervously wringing his hands hoping that what me and 3 other women picked out for him was "cool looking"..It seems that even though this man can decorate homes so well that I, in fact, swore he was gay once - this doesn't quite carry over to his fashion sense..poor thing wears high water corduroy pants and boots like these...


With really thick, white tube socks..and Hawaiian shirts..that are 2 sizes too small..in the summer..poor guy.

So the first two boxes came via UPS on Thursday..yay UPS, you have never let me down..brown..
But for some stupid reason, the bulk of the order was sent via FedEx...whatever
On Friday I tracked the package and it showed as "delivered".great, it found Jesus, Halaluyerrr. I called TOH and he said he "don't know nuthin' 'bout buurthin' no box"..hmm, strange.
I then checked the signature online and it said S.Spele...WTF?? Who Dat?
So then I called FedEx and they said that yes indeed, the package was at my house.
I got home..no box...called FedEx again:

Fedex CS Girl: Mmm Hmm, delivered
Me: Nope, uh uh
Fedex CS Girl: Maybe you should ask your neighbors
Me: Uh, I've only seen them twice and spoken to them once, sort of..
Fedex CS Girl: Let's put a trace on it, someone will call you..maybe in 24-48 hours
Me: (thinking) yeah, sure - sounds hopeful

I actually followed her advice and asked my next door neighbor, who's teenage daughter said that " Two different colored trucks came, but I don't know what happened after that"...yep, weed smoke and X pills talkin'...she probably had all my damn shoes in her closet..but I digress..
Then I went and knocked on the door directly below us..no answer..bitch, I see your damn car, I KNOW YOU'RE HOME!!!
Then I knocked next door to her...great, the condo where the oldest Asian woman in history lives with her crazy, leg biting, inbred terrier...the dog of course is going bat-shit while I try to explain who I am and what I'm looking for, then her son came to the door (he's pretty damn old too) and said something about "No" then closed the door...*sigh*

I called FedEx back and got the same line of bullshit about a trace and contacting the driver..blah fuckin' blah.

It's nearly 9pm at this point so I called the CS center for my company and he said that he saw no such trace..but that HE would start one too..great.wonderful.

I tossed and turned all night trying to figure out how I was going to pay my co-workers their "damn money" if this box never showed back up and then how I was going to have to set up a complaint booth at my desk for all the bitching that would ensue.

The next day, I called FedEx AGAIN. This time I got a guy who said he was going to call the terminal or distribution center, or something and he put me on hold..yay, pro activeness...he came back on the line and said that the driver "Left it at the leasing office"....huh?? I live in a gated,private condo community and WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A LEASING OFFICE for shit's sake!!
Then he said, "Oh"...just Oh...then he put me back on hold while I fumed and cursed..out loud..at work..I'm such a professional..he came back on and said that the driver was in the area and that he would "try to figure out what he did with it and re-deliver the box"..Is it just me, or does that sound like an extra helping of dumbass on the driver's part??

I thanked the CS guy for being great..because he was, and then I promised to dance at his wedding..then he let out a nervous, awkward laugh and so did I..then I hung up.

When I got home today, the box was in front of the door...and I could tell that some fucker had opened it and did a shitty job of re-taping it closed..

Luckily for FedEx, nothing was missing.

I Am One Boring Broad

Good Lord..I haven't blogged in like..26 years.

I've been in a shitty mood and the whole laziness thing happened and all...*ahem*

Seems that since Belly's sister is working in my dept. now, he has a reason to be over here again..SHIT!!

He looks like Hogsqueal from The SpiderWick Chronicles..ha



And he was eyeballin' me today. I should have spit at him...because after all, I AM the most lady-like bitch that you know.

I'm still not pregnant...*sigh* of course maybe it's all for the best. I couldn't imagine being more irritable than I am right now.

I've been gardening..well actually more like "patioing" since we have no yard...seems that hot, oppresive sun is not good for petunias. EVEN THOUGH the damn tag said full sun..they sure were pretty for that first day though..oh well.

I have blogger's block..can ya tell?

I promise, I'll have something meaningful to say..soon.

Why Is It That...

Why is it that most snacks that are bad for you come in a loud, crinkly wrappers?

So much for being sneaky and eating my Ho Ho in peace...Belly's fat ass probably heard it from two departments over!!!

The Belly Spreads...

Belly's sister works with us now as a temp....OMG you should see her...here's what I have observed in a few short days:

Belly told me that she'd already had the GB because she used to weigh about 500 pounds....I personally think that she should ask for a do-over because it looks like this one didn't "take".

I estimate her current weight to be around 473..but I could be wrong.

She wears her hair like a little girl: Square parted with a ponytail STICKING OUT THE TOP!! Imagine this..but on a large, grown-ass, black woman..equally as sad.



Poor thing has a low hanging pannus too..*lunch just came up a little*

Oh, and she wears fake hazel contacts ...who is she tryin' to fool?

On the good side, her skin is freakin' FLAWLESS and she's actually quite pretty.

I caught Belly looking at me longingly today..eww..I had half a mind to go over and stab him in the ribs with a steak knife but I figured that would get me fired.

And Then I Ran Down The Hall Screaming...

I was talking to my freakin' hilarious co-worker - Let's call him Hee Haw Woo Hoo - when who bounds around the corner???...yes, it was fat ass Belly!!!..carrying a vegetable plate from the cafeteria..[insert giggles here]

I was trying to tell a story of how one of the temps we call "Connie" (because she cons everybody out of money) that I barely even know, molestered me the other day (yes, I said molestered like Cartman on South Park)..mmm hmm, I was chillin',with my feet propped up under my desk..mindin' my own fuckin' business.. when all of the sudden, I feel a hand massaging my shoulder..reeeally slooowly.
So I turn to look and it's Connie's weird ass, asking me if I had eaten too much at the potluck earlier.

umm..wha..?

I let her know that I was just relaxing and she goes "oh..you seemed a little quiet so I thought I'd come see about you". Then she stood there some more..thank god my phone rang and she kinda just floated away...yeckkk.

I should have punched that bitch in the stomach..but I'm lazy.

So anyway, I'm trying to explain this scene to Hee Haw Woo Hoo when Belly interrupts and says: "Was it like this..?" then HE RUBBED MY ARM, all slow and shit...on my exposed, chocolaty caramel flesh....fucking christ jesus lord, I nearly shit my pants with disgust.

In an awkward moment while Hee Haw Woo Hoo was staring at me in disbelief, I just said "no..ummm, it was a little more inappropriate like kinda up by my shoulder...and stuff..umm, err."
Then I tried to laugh it off and continue the story..he finally went away and Hee Haw Woo Hoo just laughed and laughed (remind me to kill Hee Haw Woo Hoo later).

I guess I also should have punched Belly in the stomach..but we all know that I can't walk around here with a broken arm...casts are soooo 2002.