I swear to god, I will slap a certain person's face off.
Tonight she had one of her usual "breakdowns"
She claims to be fainting after walking a little while in the swamp so her mom says: "Let your Dad carry your pack honey"
so she screams at her (also overly-dramatic) mom: "NO!!!!WHAT PART OF THAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!!!???"
I thought you "couldn't go on"...
How dare you talk to your mom that way..and you call yourself "holy"
My mom would have kicked my behind all over that swamp and left me there.
Then her parents had the nerve to come back and get her..sad
I texted the correct answer twice...didn't win..aarrrrgggg!!!
Some stupid kids are shooting fireworks off outside...crackheads..ooops their dad is a REAL crackhead..think it's contagious??
Monday, July 10, 2006
Took a MENTAL HEALTH day on Friday - Call Me Beer Wench
Me and the other half took the day off on Friday..slept most of the day with NO GUILT.
Finally got a license plate for the "new" car. What a relief. Now I need to get $50 dollars back from the dealership for their mistake since we had to go and spend another $25 on an emissions test...bastards
The other half had friends over on Saturday. They somehow mistook me for the "Beer Wench". Every time I walked past the balcony window, he would hold up 3 fingers...WTF?? Then one time I walked by (like a dumbass) He says: "Boo Boo, could you bring us a bowl of ice, the liquor, the Sprite and oh, could you heat up that leftover steak for us? (Dammit, that was my damn steak and I was soooo looking forward to eating it..shit)
Me: (thinking) Are your damn legs broken??? I'm SUPPOSED to be relaxing!
Me: (outloud) Sure, Boo Boo. Will that be all? [Insert fake smile here]
Damn, I love that man, he better be glad we were having such a good weekend.
I pretty much slept the whole weekend away. Went to Target and Wal-Mart and pillaged the clearance racks (There is NO NEED to pay retail), found some cute stuff in my size. Surprising since I guess these stores think that if you're plus sized, you must were shit ugly sweat pants and tops with BIG flowers on them.
I was part of a focus group for Wal-Mart one time (they paid $125.00!!) and I told them that going into their women's plus section was like driving by a horrible accident: You don't want to look over and see that dead body on the asphalt but you JUST CAN'T HELP YOURSELF, and you end up seeing something that ruins your week..Every time I go in Wal-Mart I see that very thing that changes my damn life for the worse.
Why does anyone need a bright pink Mu-Mu with huge pockets in the front by their thighs?? I guess these trailer queens needs a place for their ciggies and meth.
Finally got a license plate for the "new" car. What a relief. Now I need to get $50 dollars back from the dealership for their mistake since we had to go and spend another $25 on an emissions test...bastards
The other half had friends over on Saturday. They somehow mistook me for the "Beer Wench". Every time I walked past the balcony window, he would hold up 3 fingers...WTF?? Then one time I walked by (like a dumbass) He says: "Boo Boo, could you bring us a bowl of ice, the liquor, the Sprite and oh, could you heat up that leftover steak for us? (Dammit, that was my damn steak and I was soooo looking forward to eating it..shit)
Me: (thinking) Are your damn legs broken??? I'm SUPPOSED to be relaxing!
Me: (outloud) Sure, Boo Boo. Will that be all? [Insert fake smile here]
Damn, I love that man, he better be glad we were having such a good weekend.
I pretty much slept the whole weekend away. Went to Target and Wal-Mart and pillaged the clearance racks (There is NO NEED to pay retail), found some cute stuff in my size. Surprising since I guess these stores think that if you're plus sized, you must were shit ugly sweat pants and tops with BIG flowers on them.
I was part of a focus group for Wal-Mart one time (they paid $125.00!!) and I told them that going into their women's plus section was like driving by a horrible accident: You don't want to look over and see that dead body on the asphalt but you JUST CAN'T HELP YOURSELF, and you end up seeing something that ruins your week..Every time I go in Wal-Mart I see that very thing that changes my damn life for the worse.
Why does anyone need a bright pink Mu-Mu with huge pockets in the front by their thighs?? I guess these trailer queens needs a place for their ciggies and meth.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
What if I had Super Powers
On another note, That movie "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" looks funny.
If I had superpowers, what would they be????? Hmmmm..
Able to sense a shoe sale within a 20 mile radius
Flying would be good (traffic in this city is a bitch)
Super-Human Hearing (so I can hear who's talking shit about me)
Super-Human Sight (so I can see who's talking shit about me)
Strong hands (to open jars with, without a man around, my dear)
The ability to lose weight instantly ( I've never worn a Gucci dress and I WANT TO)
The ability to get TALLER instantly (I've always wanted to look down on Belly, who's already a short-ass mind you, and stomp his ass like a coke can)
I think that'll do for now..I already have a pretty good "Gay-dar". People are amazed by it ya know.
I have to get back to my newest addiction: Windfall - good show
If I had superpowers, what would they be????? Hmmmm..
Able to sense a shoe sale within a 20 mile radius
Flying would be good (traffic in this city is a bitch)
Super-Human Hearing (so I can hear who's talking shit about me)
Super-Human Sight (so I can see who's talking shit about me)
Strong hands (to open jars with, without a man around, my dear)
The ability to lose weight instantly ( I've never worn a Gucci dress and I WANT TO)
The ability to get TALLER instantly (I've always wanted to look down on Belly, who's already a short-ass mind you, and stomp his ass like a coke can)
I think that'll do for now..I already have a pretty good "Gay-dar". People are amazed by it ya know.
I have to get back to my newest addiction: Windfall - good show
Damn Frammalamaccino
I'm mad and without a frappuccino.
Here's the complaint letter I had to write to Damn Starbucks:
I would like to complain about a bad experience I had at a local Starbucks (I'll leave the location out for blog purposes)
I ordered a Tall Caramel Frappuccino this evening. A very nice blonde lady took my order. As I pulled through the drive thru and came up to the window, I noticed that 1 person started my drink in the blender and the nice lady who took my order seemed to finish it by taking it out of the blender very quickly and adding whipped cream and caramel. I paid, got my drink and drove away. My first sip seemed very watery and it only got worse from there. Besides the "wateriness" there were large chunks of ice and not very much coffee flavor.
It was a pretty piss-poor example of a frappuccino in my opinion and I wanted to report this to you. (do you think piss-poor was "too much"??)
I went out of my way to get to this Starbucks (actually I missed the turn and had to circle around the block and halfway arround the world) and was anticipating this drink ALL DAY. (really, I was!!) I feel like I wasted $3.50 and a lot of gas. It is not my intention to get anyone in trouble, I just expected more quality from Starbucks.
Thank you for your time
Now I wonder what they'll do...McDonalds gave me extremely expired walnuts (for my fruit parfait one morning..WTF??) one time and I complained on their website. They sent me two free Value meal coupons. Again WTF??
Anyway.. I went home and tried to "fix" it in my blender..just made it grosser, damn I'm pissed. I really wanted that damn Starbucks, I shoulda went to Dunkin' Donuts.
Here's the complaint letter I had to write to Damn Starbucks:
I would like to complain about a bad experience I had at a local Starbucks (I'll leave the location out for blog purposes)
I ordered a Tall Caramel Frappuccino this evening. A very nice blonde lady took my order. As I pulled through the drive thru and came up to the window, I noticed that 1 person started my drink in the blender and the nice lady who took my order seemed to finish it by taking it out of the blender very quickly and adding whipped cream and caramel. I paid, got my drink and drove away. My first sip seemed very watery and it only got worse from there. Besides the "wateriness" there were large chunks of ice and not very much coffee flavor.
It was a pretty piss-poor example of a frappuccino in my opinion and I wanted to report this to you. (do you think piss-poor was "too much"??)
I went out of my way to get to this Starbucks (actually I missed the turn and had to circle around the block and halfway arround the world) and was anticipating this drink ALL DAY. (really, I was!!) I feel like I wasted $3.50 and a lot of gas. It is not my intention to get anyone in trouble, I just expected more quality from Starbucks.
Thank you for your time
Now I wonder what they'll do...McDonalds gave me extremely expired walnuts (for my fruit parfait one morning..WTF??) one time and I complained on their website. They sent me two free Value meal coupons. Again WTF??
Anyway.. I went home and tried to "fix" it in my blender..just made it grosser, damn I'm pissed. I really wanted that damn Starbucks, I shoulda went to Dunkin' Donuts.
Oh Shut the Hell UP!! (Part Deux)
HEEEEEE'S BAAAAACK!!
Aw hell, he's back and on full irritate.
He had the nerve o ask if I missed him.
Me: (Thinking) Oh shit no!!
Me: (Outloud) [Insert fake laugh here] How was your vacation??
Me: (Thinking) As if I really want to hear about you being the family martyr and working yourself stupid around your house while your wife sits on her ass all day and steals your money while you're asleep..but I digress..
He tried to get me to look at him again today.
He's like a damn kid sometimes.."Look, Look, Look, Look" - SHUT UP DAMMMIT!!
Luckily the phone rang and I was saved by the bell so to speak.
We had another "snot whistle moment" after lunch. I baked something and of course he had to eat a big ass wedge of it. He proceeded to hover over my wall smacking and breathing all heavy through his nose..sounded like Ron Burgundy's "Jazz Flute" or as the Maitre D said.. "Yazz Floot"
If I could just fnd something to stick in there...
Aw hell, he's back and on full irritate.
He had the nerve o ask if I missed him.
Me: (Thinking) Oh shit no!!
Me: (Outloud) [Insert fake laugh here] How was your vacation??
Me: (Thinking) As if I really want to hear about you being the family martyr and working yourself stupid around your house while your wife sits on her ass all day and steals your money while you're asleep..but I digress..
He tried to get me to look at him again today.
He's like a damn kid sometimes.."Look, Look, Look, Look" - SHUT UP DAMMMIT!!
Luckily the phone rang and I was saved by the bell so to speak.
We had another "snot whistle moment" after lunch. I baked something and of course he had to eat a big ass wedge of it. He proceeded to hover over my wall smacking and breathing all heavy through his nose..sounded like Ron Burgundy's "Jazz Flute" or as the Maitre D said.. "Yazz Floot"
If I could just fnd something to stick in there...
HTML Hates Me
I think I figured out this whole links thing...I think
It looks like I was able to add the links but dammit, now my sidebar is all jacked up, living at the bottom of the page.
I changed templates to make it go back to the top left(I thought) but when I click on View Blog, it's the old template!! WTF???
I'm irritable and hungry, somebody might get slapped today.
It looks like I was able to add the links but dammit, now my sidebar is all jacked up, living at the bottom of the page.
I changed templates to make it go back to the top left(I thought) but when I click on View Blog, it's the old template!! WTF???
I'm irritable and hungry, somebody might get slapped today.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
http://bestestblogofalltime.blogspot.com
I've been trying to add The Bestest Blog of All Time to my links list for the past 48 hours AND NOTHING IS WORKING!!!!!
Any suggestions ?
Any suggestions ?
Fireworks Suck
Had a good Holiday..sort of...
We barbecued and it was good, we went to see the fireworks and it was bad.
Got into an argument with the other half over him nearly running a light that had CAMERAS attached to it, He yells that we don't have a license plate anyway but my concern was ALL THE DAM COPS ON THAT VERY CORNER!!
Gees... quiet "moment" for 30 minutes.
We finally parked and walked to a good spot on the corner in front of the mall, sat down and cracked open the water jug I had the good foresight to freeze before we left, mmmm nice cold water tastes good in this oppressive heat.
We sat there almost two hours people watching and finally speaking to each other, he's fun when he's not being moody and cranky. I love him so much.
Anyway, sappy moment over.
It was almost time for the fireworks and I think I was more excited than all the kids around.
I noticed that there was some lightning off in the distance, then some dark clouds but we ignored it like everybody else. Then all of a sudden, THE WRATH OF GOD CAME DOWN (well it seemed like it anyway)The wind started blowing, lightning was striking, thunder was rolling, people were screaming and running...WTF?? We smartly decided to pack the hell up and try to make it back to the car..knocking innocent children down and accidentally (maybe) beaning a man in the head with my water jug. By the time we got back to the car, we were full of grit and nastiness and were being followed by a family who wanted our fabulous parking space.
The other half had to pee and was going to go behind the car but a lady got out of the stalker car and stood there by our bumper, I guess to ensure that she got our space..flippin weirdo.
I was really disappointed that we missed the fireworks..(I used to be DEATHLY afraid of fireworks..not sure what changed that)
I kept looking back hoping the fireworks were going to start anyway..no luck. We got home and ate some dinner. The news finally showed the fireworks..they sucked. I guess it's a good thing we left.
There were people out there with umbrellas, braving the rain.
My other half looked over at me and said: "You know damn well I wouldn't be out there in that shit"
Me: Sigh...Well maybe if the lightning...
Him: (As if to say "whatever, crazy lady") "Shiiiit"
And that was pretty much the end of the discussion.
I still have sand in my eyes, teeth, etc..ewww
We barbecued and it was good, we went to see the fireworks and it was bad.
Got into an argument with the other half over him nearly running a light that had CAMERAS attached to it, He yells that we don't have a license plate anyway but my concern was ALL THE DAM COPS ON THAT VERY CORNER!!
Gees... quiet "moment" for 30 minutes.
We finally parked and walked to a good spot on the corner in front of the mall, sat down and cracked open the water jug I had the good foresight to freeze before we left, mmmm nice cold water tastes good in this oppressive heat.
We sat there almost two hours people watching and finally speaking to each other, he's fun when he's not being moody and cranky. I love him so much.
Anyway, sappy moment over.
It was almost time for the fireworks and I think I was more excited than all the kids around.
I noticed that there was some lightning off in the distance, then some dark clouds but we ignored it like everybody else. Then all of a sudden, THE WRATH OF GOD CAME DOWN (well it seemed like it anyway)The wind started blowing, lightning was striking, thunder was rolling, people were screaming and running...WTF?? We smartly decided to pack the hell up and try to make it back to the car..knocking innocent children down and accidentally (maybe) beaning a man in the head with my water jug. By the time we got back to the car, we were full of grit and nastiness and were being followed by a family who wanted our fabulous parking space.
The other half had to pee and was going to go behind the car but a lady got out of the stalker car and stood there by our bumper, I guess to ensure that she got our space..flippin weirdo.
I was really disappointed that we missed the fireworks..(I used to be DEATHLY afraid of fireworks..not sure what changed that)
I kept looking back hoping the fireworks were going to start anyway..no luck. We got home and ate some dinner. The news finally showed the fireworks..they sucked. I guess it's a good thing we left.
There were people out there with umbrellas, braving the rain.
My other half looked over at me and said: "You know damn well I wouldn't be out there in that shit"
Me: Sigh...Well maybe if the lightning...
Him: (As if to say "whatever, crazy lady") "Shiiiit"
And that was pretty much the end of the discussion.
I still have sand in my eyes, teeth, etc..ewww
Monday, July 03, 2006
The Tag Office can kiss my....
DAMMMMMMIIIITTT!!!!'
Okay so we bought a used car a month ago and had to put an ill-timed down payment on it (hence my "in the minus" checking account) and the paper Drive-Out tag got rained on and the date fell off. In this state I'm sure I'd get life in prison or something for this so I decide to just go get the real license plate because the office is near my house.
I only get 45 minutes for lunch but I figure I can fly there on two wheels (as usual) and be back in time to log back in to the phone system.
BUT NO!!!!!
First of all I'm basically on Empty because the boyfriend drove out all the gas this weekend. (I guess that ok since he paid for it)Then it seemed that everybody on the road was old and/or crazy and kept getting in my way.
Finally I get in front of all these assholes and lo and behold A DAMN COP CAR!! So I pretend to be a cautious driver until he turns off then I (as usual) get back on two wheels and drive like only I know how. Had to make a u-turn because the left turn light was mocking me by not changing AND FINALLY, I'm there..wheww...Only 3 people in line in front of me , technically there were 5 but 3 asian ladies were together, they looked like really old gangbangers in polyester but I digress...
With 15 minutes to spare, I getr to the little window and show the guy my registration, license and proof of insurance..I could feel something was wrong...
Tag Guy (in training mind you): "Ma'am, we don't see proof of Emissions on the record"
Me: WHAT!!! I paid for it in the deal (pulling out pile of papers) Look, right here $25..
Tag Guy: Sorry, they (the dealership crooks) either didn't do an emissions test or they forgot to enter it into the system.
Me: (thinking) Fuck Fuck Fuckety Fuck!!
Me: (out loud) Ok, what can I do?
Tag Guy: You'll need to get an Emissions test ASAP or we cannot give you a license plate
I swear to God I see why people shoot up government offices every year.
After calling 411 a thousand times and after being transferred all over the earth, I get somebody at the dealership who claims taht she had no idea the emissions wasn't done and that if I could "just come on down", they'd get it fixed. THE WHOLE POINT was to not have me drive way the hell over there on 3 tablespoons of gas.."Or you could pay for the test (again), send us the receipt and we'll reimburse you (yeah right).
I got back to work 17 MINUTES LATE!!! No one seemed to notice though...until the late log in report comes in next month, SHIT!!
So the moral of this story is...Just drive around with a crappy crinkled paper tag until the Good Ole Boy highway patrol pulls you over and beats you within an inch of your life for "resisting arrest".
Okay so we bought a used car a month ago and had to put an ill-timed down payment on it (hence my "in the minus" checking account) and the paper Drive-Out tag got rained on and the date fell off. In this state I'm sure I'd get life in prison or something for this so I decide to just go get the real license plate because the office is near my house.
I only get 45 minutes for lunch but I figure I can fly there on two wheels (as usual) and be back in time to log back in to the phone system.
BUT NO!!!!!
First of all I'm basically on Empty because the boyfriend drove out all the gas this weekend. (I guess that ok since he paid for it)Then it seemed that everybody on the road was old and/or crazy and kept getting in my way.
Finally I get in front of all these assholes and lo and behold A DAMN COP CAR!! So I pretend to be a cautious driver until he turns off then I (as usual) get back on two wheels and drive like only I know how. Had to make a u-turn because the left turn light was mocking me by not changing AND FINALLY, I'm there..wheww...Only 3 people in line in front of me , technically there were 5 but 3 asian ladies were together, they looked like really old gangbangers in polyester but I digress...
With 15 minutes to spare, I getr to the little window and show the guy my registration, license and proof of insurance..I could feel something was wrong...
Tag Guy (in training mind you): "Ma'am, we don't see proof of Emissions on the record"
Me: WHAT!!! I paid for it in the deal (pulling out pile of papers) Look, right here $25..
Tag Guy: Sorry, they (the dealership crooks) either didn't do an emissions test or they forgot to enter it into the system.
Me: (thinking) Fuck Fuck Fuckety Fuck!!
Me: (out loud) Ok, what can I do?
Tag Guy: You'll need to get an Emissions test ASAP or we cannot give you a license plate
I swear to God I see why people shoot up government offices every year.
After calling 411 a thousand times and after being transferred all over the earth, I get somebody at the dealership who claims taht she had no idea the emissions wasn't done and that if I could "just come on down", they'd get it fixed. THE WHOLE POINT was to not have me drive way the hell over there on 3 tablespoons of gas.."Or you could pay for the test (again), send us the receipt and we'll reimburse you (yeah right).
I got back to work 17 MINUTES LATE!!! No one seemed to notice though...until the late log in report comes in next month, SHIT!!
So the moral of this story is...Just drive around with a crappy crinkled paper tag until the Good Ole Boy highway patrol pulls you over and beats you within an inch of your life for "resisting arrest".
My Weekend...so boring except for Bow Wow
Went to my second job all ready to fist fight the new manager...nothing to worry about..he's kinda goofy.
A little too "motivated" for my tastes but oh well.
I rang up Bow Wow (the rapper) on Saturday...I felt like a damn teenage girl!! I was all nervous and shaky..WTF?? I played it cool, but my GROUPIE Male co-worker did not. In an ATTEMPT to be cool he kept asking recording studio questions..I was embarassed because he seemed like he didn't really want to talk, at least about that shit.
He had the black American Express card, that bastard..I had to check his ID and he was quite nice about it..ha!
He was really short..poor thing. But he was really good looking up close, like he gets facials or something. I think he's old enough for me to love him down now.. I felt like a chester molester looking at him when he was younger.
He bought some Jordans and a couple of T-Shirts, spent about $150.00
Rich people suck...until I get rich, then rich people will be cool...anyway.
A little too "motivated" for my tastes but oh well.
I rang up Bow Wow (the rapper) on Saturday...I felt like a damn teenage girl!! I was all nervous and shaky..WTF?? I played it cool, but my GROUPIE Male co-worker did not. In an ATTEMPT to be cool he kept asking recording studio questions..I was embarassed because he seemed like he didn't really want to talk, at least about that shit.
He had the black American Express card, that bastard..I had to check his ID and he was quite nice about it..ha!
He was really short..poor thing. But he was really good looking up close, like he gets facials or something. I think he's old enough for me to love him down now.. I felt like a chester molester looking at him when he was younger.
He bought some Jordans and a couple of T-Shirts, spent about $150.00
Rich people suck...until I get rich, then rich people will be cool...anyway.
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