Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Today I came to work dressed in my BEST 50's era clothes (Cat eye sunglasses, FABULOUS stand up collar- cinched waist dress and big red flower pin, with red, patent leather, POINTY spectator pumps..etc) and while most people said I looked great, there were a few people (fuckin' haters) who gave me the "up AND down" look and said: "What are YOU supposed to be??"...uh,..wha??
One broad even walked up to me, gave me the look, then the question and when I half jokingly told her that my name for the day was "Bunny", her face screwed up and she said "Bunny!!???" like it smelled bad or something..what a bitch..get away from my desk, cow....
Then she had the NERVE to come back, hover around my cube and then say: "Hey..Why are you the ONLY one that dressed up???"...again, uh, wha? How do you answer a question like that??
Well bitch, it's probably because you stodgy asses around here suck..how's taht for an anser?
So now I'm sitting here all pissed off at myself for feeling like I'm trapped in my cube and for letting her make me feel bad.
Oh great, just now ANOTHER person came up and asked WHO I was supposed to be...*sigh*
Maybe I'll just tell them I'm the Black Lucille Ball..that should shut them the fuck up.
As of right now, I've been speculated to be:
(The Black) Marilyn Monroe
(The Black) Joan Crawford
(The Black) Bette Davis (I have a cute little martini glass as one of my props)
(The Black) Madonna
Coretta Scott King (Actually that was kind of an honor)
and my personal favorite...
(The Black) Minnie Mouse..wait, I think she's really black
Thankfully, the other departments around here actually participate in such "frivilousness". I just came back from the costume contest with included no less than 2..count 'em 2 groups of pregnant devil/mummies....
oh, isn't Halloween fun??
Saturday, October 27, 2007
ok, so I TRIED to insert a little music player here..and some shit about html tags kept popping up...I dunno..I'm bored.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Just look at it..scary huh?
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Me and the husband went to the gym last night.
Since I'm scheduled off of work Sun-Wed, I prepared for this trip by festering on the sofa, watching soap operas and eating popcorn all day. (I am SUCH an athlete!!)
He came straight from work so I got there before him...well actually, I planned it that way so I could shop at Joann's without him knowing...I guess I made some sort of promise not to spend money this week or some shit...he drugged me I tell ya!!
I bought this really obnoxious light up Halloween thing that spells out BOO!..freaking hilarious and he would SO not approve of it...what?? it was on clearance!!(pictures later)
Anywhoooo, I was on the treadmill when he walked in..god, I love that man..except when I want to kill him in his sleep, but that's normal right??
I wanted to warn him about being completely out of shape and remind him of the last time those "younger guys kicked his ass" before he went to the basketball court but he probably would have said I was chastising him... blah blah fuckin' blah..
So I let him go...I could see him through a bay of windows behind the treadmills and he looked all sexy and stuff..he's no Michael Jordan but he made a few baskets, how yummy..however, a few minutes later he wandered back over to me at the treadmills, drenched in sweat, panting and begging for a sip of my Gatorade..the nice frosty one that I pre-froze earlier that day..that was all good and slushy in the middle.
Would it have been mean for me to deny him?? Mean yes, Funny?..Absolutely, but I let him have it. I'm such a giver..yeah, uh sure.
I looked down and realized that I had waled TWO DAMN MILES without even noticing it. I have NEVER walked two miles at one time..ever. Thanks O Magazine and the song Percolator by Cajmere for distracting me enough to get through it.
We then went to the weight room..cuz I guess that's just the natural progression or some shit.
Someone please explain why it's necessary to smell like ass crack and potted meat when you lift weights?? The smell in there alone motivated me enough to rush through the battery of exercises my personal trainer (aka my number yelling husband) forced me through..(3 sets of 10..wtf for??)
Speaking of personal trainers, I watched in fascinated horror as this poor woman worked out with hers on that evil stair stepper thing. HER FACE was actually pressed up against the display as if to say.."I. just. can't. go. on"..but the trainer just kept "encouraging" her. Poor thing
It was fun to spend time together though...we then went home and ate greasy rotisserie chicken with butter laden, super sodiumed rice and washed it all down with lots of cookies..we are SO healthy!!!
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Well how 'bout I tell you the story of how I caught myself doing the ENTIRE DANCE SCENE in my cubicle yesterday.....I had help from my co-worker who I'll call Emotionally Bankrupt (she's so dry and sarcastic that I think I may have a slight girl-crush on her). Sadly, we both knew all the moves...and the dialog
And I call Belly a geek...
Would it be wrong of me to choose ribs and baked beans over my new husband and go by myself??? Maybe so huh?
Me and my damn conscience!!! Looks like it'll be just me, him and a bag of stale Doritos...
We are so exciting and sexy, I know you wish you could be US right?
Thursday, October 18, 2007
put up what you don't want him touching!!!
Good thing my Outlook was minimized because as she pointed out from past experience: Belly likes to eyeball my screen
I'm not sure how in the fuck he can see really small text from that far away, Miss Thang theorized it was his thick ass glasses..I say he has a bionic eye
We spent the rest of the afternoon imagining Belly as a superhero again...Dum Da Da Dum!!! It's Captain Fat As Fuck!!
Able to inhale large buffet tables in a single bound.....
(I nearly pissed myself today over that one)
And let's not forget his trusty sidekick: FingerprintMan!!!
Like a stealthy hunting tracker, FingerprintMan can fondle your leather desk set and tell when your last bowel movement was.....texture and size too!!
Is it obvious that we have absolutely NOTHING to do around here???
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I've been laughing since 9 am
Friday, October 12, 2007
UPDATE...I had to delete this freaking video..because it kept playing by itself every time I went to view my blog....WTF???
but here's the link:
Just had to tell somebody....
Ok, what's both mean and funny to me is thinking about how OLD Pat was when she made this video...and she was supposed to be playing what?? A teenager...how sad..But I STILL love this video...I wanted to run away just like her when this video came out..but I was scared of my mom though...oh, Good Times.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
It's one thing to come over to my desk today and fondle my can opener like you had never seen one before...my fucking dollar store can opener...it was red and shiny though....
But it's a whole 'nother thing to spread your weird shit to a different co-worker.
I sit next to a lady we'll call "Miss Thang Don't Play". Suffice it to say..this broad doesn't take shit..from anybody, and her cussing skills could make a trucker blush.
I love her....
Anywhoo, during the latest of Meat Hook's numerous walkabouts, he sauntered by Miss Thang Don't Play's desk and noticed something on her desk...I saw the gleam in his eye and you could almost feel his pulse quickening..yeck...he reached over the high wall of her cubicle, and PICKED UP HER NAIL POLISH!!!!
Why would he possibly need to touch her nail polish??? It's a good thing that she was on a call, because his ass would have been ripped to shreds otherwise...
After he had sufficiently fondled the bottle and noted the color (Pink Chiffon #12) he walked away. Her phone call ended and she looked over at me and said:
"What in the blue fuck is hiiiiiis problem????!!??"
All I could say was: " I told you so"
We spent the next hour laughing and gagging while we imagined him painting his crusty toenails tonight.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Belly has a habit of beating us over the head with little "news of the weird" clips and stories. Today he wouldn't leave us the fuck alone about this stupid story about a little dog...sigh..Belly was SO damn excited by this....
Belly: Ooo Ooo look!! look!! Look at this tiny dog!! ( I hate it when men say "tiny")
Rest Of The Pod Farm: Yeah..look at it
Then here comes Meat Hooks...Meat Hooks has a tendency to not believe shit anybody has to say so he starts to dispute Belly's claims of this small dog and goes on and onabout how a dog can't be that small blah blah damn blah...
I'm sitting there minding my own business when Meat Hooks screams out:
"Who's got a ruler????!!!! Huh??!!! Who!!??...*gasp*..Linka!! I KNOW you have a ruler over there!!!"....
And before I could catch myself, I was handing my cool clear acrylic ruler over to his nasty ass...wtf?? That bastard tricked me I tell ya!!!
He just HAD to know where the 4 inch mark was (I was tempted to tell him to look in his pants but I refrained, because I'm a lady ya know)
After about five stupid minutes of stupid ass debate on what 4 inches looked like, I looked back to find Meat Hooks leaning over Belly's desk, fondling my ruler behind his back..eww, near his ass parts..yeck...*dry heave*
He finally handed it over to me..or at least he tried..I ignored him so long that he just sat it on my desk...where is my antibacterial gel..and blow-torch.....