Damn You Santa

Guess what I got for Christmas.....

Yep, food poisoning. And it seems like I was the only one who got it..TOH is probably trying to kill me for the insurance money.

Yesterday, since I had the day off, I laid around and ate leftover food from Christmas day..big mistake.
I think it was the cornbread dressing..it seemed a little moist for my taste (probably bacteria masking itself as chicken stock) but my fat ass ate it anyway.
That was at around 12:30 pm...by 3:30 pm, I woke up and was a little delirious but just shook it off and blamed it on hunger.
So then I ate a fajita with fixings from Christmas Eve..with sour cream AND cheese...more mistakes for me, thanks.
It seems that I fell back into another daze of some sort and when TOH came home at 5:00 pm, he said I looked weird and tired.."oh bollocks", I said and claimed that I was just a little confused from sleeping all day. He was hungry so we went to the sports bar down the street and I ate a loaded, greasy baked potato and picked at a cheeseburger..do you see a pattern developing???
I went to bed around 10:00 pm after eating 3 little vanilla sandwich cookies and my stomach hurt a little..I shrugged it off until:

1:30 am: It felt like somebody had kicked me in the ribs..not cute
2:00 am: In tears, begging TOH to wake up and rub my stomach..*insert half ass rubbing here* he's a massage therapist for shit's sake and this is all I get!! I tried to drink some soda and chew a Pepcid..not a good idea..
2:10 am thru 6:30 am: Gas pain, bloating and projectile vomiting (oh, good times) TOH, poor thing, tried to help me but I think I screamed at him to "stop touching me"..."and turn off that DAMN light"..must remember to apologize to him today.

I do my best to avoid vomiting at all costs..hell, I can't even watch it on TV..how am I going to have kids???
So you can imagine my apprehension to even move in the slightest way because that would bring on the sweats and the watery mouth..yeck.

On top of all that, I had to work today..and people will NOT leave me alone..I should have called out sick...maybe tomorrow.

Oh..and I saw Belly in the parking lot today with a fat ass bag of greasiness when I was walking in..I can taste the bile as I type..*passing out*

WTF???? It's Nearly 2008 For God'sSake

I just spoke to a caller that had no idea what the hell was going on...I wonder how she keeps a job.

She had to actually LOOK UP her social security number!!

I asked her to press the ENTER key on the far right hand side of the keyboard (on the keypad). I'm connected to her computer so I can see her screen and I see her mouse moving around near the clock. so I say:
Me: Ma'am, could you please press the right enter key?
Her: I don't see an enter key on the screen
Me: (thinking) WTF???
Me: Ma'am, it's on your keyboard..on the right..it says ENTER
Her: Oh, that thing
Me: Could you please enter the last 5 of your social?
Her: Huh?..wait, I have to look it up
Me: (thinking)..really..WTF??

I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe she was new to this country, but she didn't have an accent....huh?

I once had to explain what the SPACEBAR was to a caller..my hand to God

I Swear...An UPDATE

I am such a fucking shadetree mechanic *wiping sweat from her brow with a greasy rag*

So after three tries with the jumper cables, some really helpful (who knew?) advice and assistance from Meat Hooks and two requests to "please help me push into into/out of the parking space", I FINALLY GOT THE CAR STARTED!!!

I took a look at the manual, figured out the relay fuse box, switched out the fuel pump fuse with a spare and damn if that bitch didn't start purring like a kitten..ok, maybe a kitten with whooping cough, Bronchiectasis and tar covered lungs but a kitten nonetheless.

Maybe I should get a show on DIY or HGTV. I could cover topics such as:

How to start a piece of shit..with no money
What to do if you see smoke billowing from the a/c vents (Hint: roll down windows)
How to change a faulty power window relay (see above..it was a long day)
How to neglect your paint job until the spoiler starts to look like a dried out glazed donut
Let's play the "How did that hole get there?" game
Drag racing to the grocery store..for dummies

My Nielsen ratings will be through the roof I tell ya!!!

I can finally have a happy birthday..I think...oh my Jesus..somebody is walking over here with a balloon bouquet...must.hide.under.desk.....

I Swear....

If just ONE MORE bad thing happens....

Ok, maybe I shouldn't anger the gods by saying that....

Yesterday after I made an appointment for a free consultation with a bankruptcy lawyer, the thought of which is worse than fingernails across a chalkboard, my car decided that it did not want to start...because it is an asshole..and it hates me.

It's my birthday today..35 years old..I'll try to muster up some happiness since my co-workers are having a breakfast in my honor..I'm sure the Ghost Of Belly Past will smell his way over here and inhale all the donuts..since he got promoted he keeps hanging around..yeck..like I need that today.
Let me try to paint a picture of his antics lately:
Let's say Belly's new desk is in..Rhode Island.
The exit door closest to his car is in...New York.
Where we sit is in ...Texas.
Instead of taking the quickest, easiest route, this jackass decides that a daily trip through Texas for shits and giggles..then he makes it extra special by walking around with this sad ass look on his face, souting some shit about how he "misses being over here".....go away already!!

Anyway..I guess I'll try jumper cables today at lunch..fucking great.

Last Night A DJ Saved My Life

Well, not last night exactly....

Like Sofia said from The Color Purple: " I was feelin' mighty low Miss Celie"

Yesterday I was turned down for a debt consolidation loan (for the 3rd time in as many years) from my company's Credit Union...fuckers. It seems that the reason they turned me down was:

Excessive credit obligations in relation to income

Current/past delinquent credit history

Well duh, assholes, that's why I was asking for help!!!!
And to top things off, I received an email notice stating that my wages would be garnished for the next 6 months because of a REALLY old debt to Best Buy that was bought by a scavenger debt collector/"law office". $294 per paycheck.
Great, what next? I figure I'll be homeless by the New Year....ok, that may be a little dramatic, but still....

Well this morning after breaking down whilst brushing my teeth I got in the car to go to the job I'm starting to resent when what do I hear coming out of the speakers???

Proud Mary by Ike and Tina
Oh.My.God......I LOVE this song!!! I'm sure people at the stop light thought I was having a seizure..fuck 'em
Then he played Nutbush City Limits..oh.my.gravy...I love that one even more.

So by now I'm pulling in to the parking lot feeling a whole lot better so when that song ends, I change the station only to hear my NEW favorite song:

Hate On Me by Jill Scott..I actually started to cry..I know, I am such a sap

I love how music can change your whole outlook on things. I'm still between a rock and a sharp, jagged hard place but at least I'm feeling like I can make things better..hopefully without filing for bankruptcy.....

Type 2 Diabetes Can Suck It

I cried in the doctor's office on Monday.....

Why? Because my diabetic condition is getting worse...and because it's my fault....and because it just has this way of being great and on the upswing one year, then totally fucked the next year...and because I'm fucking tired of it...and it didn't help that the doctor was chastising me...I do enough of that to myself.

I ate a tortilla with melted cheese from the microwave at 11:45 am...My doctor's appointment was at 3:45 pm, they tested my blood sugar at a little after 4:00 pm..and my test showed 226!!!! what the fuck???

I know what you're saying, "Well maybe if you would just stop eating carb filled tortillas and shit..blah blah blah
I've been beaten over the head repeatedly with the whole carb thing..I'll admit it, I'm a rebel and I think that eating all that weird Fatkins food is ridiculous....

The doctor upped my dose of glyburide to 20mg a day instead of 10 mg..We'll see if that helps, if it doesn't she said that I would have to be put on insulin..yay..great.

Funny enough, if I want to get pregnant, I'll need to be put on insulin anyway...and I can look forward to a really big baby..woo hoo for me and my vagina.

And another thing..stress can make your blood sugar high..I'm nothing if not stressed..wonderful.

More Cards..sheesh

I begrudgingly made some more...do you ever get to where you actually HATE doing your "craft" ?? I feel like it's a burden sometimes..can ya tell I'm on my period?

I swear, there's some glitter....

Me And My Crafty Ass

Ok, as promised, here are the pics of the cards I made all packaged up for sale to my ungrateful co-workers..
Be nice, I'm a delicate flower ya know...ok, maybe not.

Some of them seem a little blurry..I must have really been smokin' the crack those days.

I cut EVERY damn piece for these two..BY HAND DAMMIT!!
OOOOO Glitter..I just realized that you probably can't see the glitter..crack is whack..Did ya notice, she has a REAL jinglebell on her ass end..dammit, it fell out of place

The Sizzix machine is my new lover..yay mittens I promise, there's glitter on these..somewhere..yep, more cutting by hand here...

At this point, I'm too tired (lazy) to post the inside sentiments of the cards...just call me slack ass.


I also make birthday and thank you cards..when I feel like it...