A $30 Tinker Bell Cake..For A Grown Woman

My sister graduated from High School over the holiday weekend..I know I'm a week late with this but I've only just recently gotten over the trauma of having my family in my house for 4 days...

Anyway, we were really excited (and frankly a little relieved) that she was finally done. It's been a long road for her and she's finally started to act like an adult..yay.

She requested a cake..a Tinker Bell cake..with lights and fireworks and shit... so as the "big sister", I had to oblige...or there would be crying...because her "whole life she's been called Tinker" sheesus, god.

I called a few places and and they had no idea who the hell Tinker Bell was (?). Finally Publix had said they would do it..for a base price of $30..expensive much?

I looked at their website and saw this extravaganza of foolishness:

It's called the Tinker Bell Dangler..cuz she dangles..The baby gets what the baby wants dammit!!.

Oh, but wait..the store closest to us didn't have the damn fairy toy thing so I had to call all over the planet to get it, then call the bakery lady and have her coordinate the delivery of it to her place..she seemed annoyed with me..bitch.

I picked it up on Saturday afternoon..it kind of looked like the picture..I suppose.

I then decided it would be a good idea to spend another $35 on Tinker Bell paraphernalia - confetti, balloons, cups, napkins, a trucker hat (I'm serious) and a metal purse thing..

Yes, I have OFFICIALLY lost my shit.

Speaking of losing things...My mother called to let me know that she had accidentally thrown away the "Taaanker Bell Toy Thang"...and did I think that Publix would sell her just that piece?...*sigh*..

family..you can't pick 'em.

Poor Thing

I just talked to TOH and he's not happy.

Seems that the job that he was a "shoo-in" for rejected him because he failed the assessment..WTF??? Now he can't retest for another 6 months...double WTF?? And then they wouldn't tell him exactly what he failed on..yes, you guessed it, triple WTF??
And why the hell would they even need a damn assessment anyway??
(Not that I'm poo-pooing his job but it's not exactly rocket science.)

I asked him what was on the test and, just like a man, he said "some common sense bullshit"....um, ok.

He REALLY wanted this job because it was close to our house and it paid wayyy better and he has 5 years of experience doing that type of work.
We got all worked up into a froth over it and now life sucks.

I hate rejection and since I'm so protective of TOH, I want to go down there and kick someone's ass.

Don't mess with my baaaaby!

To Wash Or Not To Wash...

This has been bothering me for at least 3 of the 4 years that I have worked here....

We work with a lady that doesn't wash her hands after she uses the bathroom...yeeeck!

She seems like a perfectly normal person..except for that.

Everybody notices it but doesn't say anything.
I guess they make their opinion known by not eating the food she brings to potlucks....she usually makes sausage balls..don't they involve KNEADING ingredients WITH YOUR HANDS??...eww.

Anyway, I know that a lot of the time you "technically" don't actually touch yourself when wiping down there, but just knowing that you COULD accidentally touch yourself should make you want to wash your damn hands...

maybe it's just me

Where The HELL Have You Been??

Good Lord, Internet..I've been sitting here for days waiting on you...yes, of course it's irrational for me to blame you when I'm the slack ass...but to me, irrational is sexy.

Anyway, I have been really busy getting my house ready for company.

I'm in a women's investment club that meets at someone's house every month. Since a lot of the women are mothers, they tend to bring their babies/toddlers/adolescents which, as you can imagine, can be really hectic. The last meeting included a 1 year ripping down an entire buffet table, a juice stained chair and lots of cheese ground into the carpet.

For some reason, I volunteered my place on Sunday...yes, I smoke lots of crack.

Gladly, only one child showed up and she stayed in the guest/tv room the entire time without so much as a peep. She looked to be around 11 or 12 but I can never tell with the way kids look these days..she could have been 6 yrs old.

I was the first one to serve liquor and it was a hit. They named it "Happy Punch" and I ended up making two batches..drinking is fun.

Happy Punch aka "Let's Get Rowdy and Talk About Stocks" Punch

Items needed:

1 pretty glass pitcher from an iced tea set that hasn't been out of the box in 6 years
1 Bag crushed ice from the gas station because your ice maker has been broken for a year
1/2 Gallon Tropicana Tropical Punch
1/2 bottle of Malibu Coconut Rum or more if needed

Fill pitcher halfway with ice
Add juice and rum
Mix with wooden spoon while doing a "can't wait to be drunk" dance

To soak up the liquor, I also served mini quiches and cream puffs (but without the chocolate) from the discount club, chips and dips including a guacamole FLAVORED dip..whatever the hell that is...nobody ate it and after reading this article, I can see why.
Oh, and there was fruit..grapes and pineapple and a bottle of Sprite for the non-drinkers. I tried to serve all light colored items in case I had to scrub shit out of the carpet later.

And since I was drunk and forgot to take pictures of my lovely buffet, here are some pics I stole from the Internet:




Do you think I could cram any MORE links into this entry??..jeeesus.

The meeting went well, or as well as I could remember...

Oh...here's some pictures of my porch that I hooched up for the benefit of the group. And yes, I actually planted those flower boxes and pots all my lonesome. That spiky thing is a houseplant I found at Lowe's and the rest came from Wal-Mart.

The table set came from Joann's and I got it for a freakin' steal since the little cashier dude found a coupon in his garbage can for me..yay, me...the cushions are from Garden Ridge and were way too expensive but I love them and they're staying...oh, and because you like to know random shit about my stuff, I got the plant stand for $3 because it was missing all the nuts and bolts and my pack-rat ass just happened to have extraneous nuts and bolts lying around the house.

TOH says that it seems that I'm not only a crafty bitch, but I'm also a green thumb bitch...And I claim to love this man...

I Heart Boys

God I feel like I'm in junior high...

I have a work-crush on a boy in the office ..and I say "boy" because I'm sure he's AT LEAST 10 years younger than me.

Don't worry, I've already told TOH and he says he cool with me having a boyfriend just as long as he pays some of the bills and takes the trash out from time to time...(He claimed that he was joking but I'm not quite convinced).

The guy, (let's call him "PB" for pretty boy) is just so....so...well, pretty damn it.

He wears cool shirts and even cooler jeans with the right amount of bagginess and pretty shit on the back pockets...OMG, the other day he wore a sweater that was tight in all the right places and just a touch see-thru..not that I noticed or anything...AHEM...

He had this really long hair that he wore in two big cornrows (or plaits as my mom would call them) that I secretly wanted to put in little ponytails with barrettes on the ends but then one day he came to work with a fade (minus that stupid zig zag part)..I was disappointed because now his head looked like a skeeball..oh well, he was still cute.

Yes, I'm fully aware that he reads as VERY gay...I prefer to see him as a big ole' metrosexual for the time being thankyouveryfuckingmuch.

I find myself looking at him from across the cubicle farm during the day..and he's caught my dumb ass looking a couple of times..I just smile and act like I was looking at the the clock or something..He's probably horrified that this "old" chick is eyeballing him and I'm sure he thinks I'm stalking him......but I'd never pursue it..

Anyway, who wants to train yet ANOTHER man in the "ways of the Linka"??

I just don't have that kind of time...

Oh, and just because shit like this makes me laugh...I present to you..my NEXT husband!! HAHAHAHA



Sad, SO sad....

If She'd Just Stop Smoking Crack...Etc.

I've heard many versions of this song but the acoustic version absolutely breaks my damn heart..I LOVE this song and Amy's voice is real, raw and just THAT good..poor thing, I hope she straightens herself out before it's too late.

Amy Winehouse - Valerie (Acoustic, Live)

New Music Friday

Because I like when kids spell stuff and sing....

Justice - D.A.N.C.E.



And because I just can't leave well enough alone and because I think Mos Def is cute in a strange, funky, thrift store sweater wearing way....here's the remix

Justice - D.A.N.C.E. (Benny Blanco mix Feat. Mos Def and Spank Rock)