Monday, April 14, 2008

Name Change, Schedule Change..Too Many Damn Changes!!

My bastard ass part time job made me "expand my hours of availability"..great..more work for literally pennies.

Also, I am now "officially" Mrs. TOH....after 9 months of marriage.

yaaay..I guess.

He claimed that it was "no big deal" if I didn't change my name...but then he got a look on his face and I knew he was lying.

It was, like I said it would be, a hellish process:

Hell Day location 1:
This involved driving to east Jerusalem and paying 5 FUCKING DOLLARS PER PAGE for both my marriage license AND the application...wonderful. Oh, and they only take cash...thank god I actually had that..did I mention the 20 minutes of driving around east Jerusalem trying to find an ATM that wouldn't extort millions of dollars in fees?..they better be glad the parking was free and nobody was in line when I got to the window.

Hell Day location 2:
The Social. Security. Office. [insert demon death screams here] I'm pretty sure this is where they trained the Abu Ghraib captors.
When you walk in you pretty much get to wander around like an ass until you find the ticket giver thing and the overworked security guard.
I'm sure I'll offend someone by mentioning that I don't quite enjoy the "aromas" of other cultures and this joint was literally "ripe" with "aromas"...yeck.

A bitch cut in front of me at the ticket giver thing..I should have pushed her down but she was small and looked quick..I was tired from the Jerusalem drive.

I waited as the staff screamed numbers out of the PA system for over AN HOUR...but I started to get excited because ahhh yeahhh, my number was coming up soon.
Then my number was called!!! I gathered my stack of 600 forms and was all prepared to flip out my old social security card like a switchblade when THAT BITCH FROM BEFORE got up and went to "my" window..ummm..huh??
Then the next number was called..and the next...and the they were FLYING through the damn numbers!!!!
I ran like a jilted schoolgirl and whined to the security guard..this dipshit actually had the nerve to ask me why I didn't say anything before!! Whasahuh? I said "it JUST happened..I'm sayin' somethin' NOW!!"...he didn't seem phased..I'm pretty sure he's used to people flippin' out in there, and besides that, he had a REALLY big gun.
Bless his heart, he got on the phone and lit a fire under somebody and then he directed me to "my" window from before.
Bitch From Before actually brushed past me on her way out...thinking back I really should have showed her my ghetto-ninja ass whippin' skills but I was SO ready to get out of there.

The broad at the window claimed that she indeed called my number and that Bitch From Before claimed that she had MY number..whatever...after merely glancing at $10 worth of paper, she told me that they would have to mail me my new card and warned me that I would "no matter what" use my married name on EVERY thing I signed or filled out from now on..dramatic much?? I opted to keep my maiden name almost like a second middle name..what?..I had 35 years of life before him!!

Oh..I'm not KNOW where I had to go next don't ya???

Yep, The D motherfuckin' M V...*sigh*

Hell Day location 3:
Weee!!..the Department of Motor Vehicles!!!
I actually found a parking space near the door and they was NOBODY in the ticket giving line..too bad the waiting area looked pretty much the same as the SSN office times 1500..shit!!!
It was like being in a very confusing airport that was throwing a wild party.
There were stock ticker-like signs above each window..all 30 of them..then a soothing computer voice was calling out these weird letter\number combinations along with your window assignment...who thought of THIS bullshit?? Now I have to pay attention again.....double shit!!
Somehow, I didn't get skipped this time but I kept my eyes peeled for that Bitch From Before.
I must say that the lady who helped me was THE nicest DMV worker that I have ever dealt with. I ended up telling her half my life story and all of my "TOH and Me" story. She was an older lady and she told me that she wished she could find a nice man online like I did..(awww!) I reassured her that it was definitely a possibility and that she should try it..but to stay away from the ones that send you naked pictures. She laughed but dammit, I was serious.
She didn't charge me for the name and address change but I had to go to yet another line to wait for my license picture..jeeeesus!!!
I reluctantly stood in line for picture taking..oh hell naw, I was sooo not ready for a new picture so I talked the girl into letting me keep the one they had on file..even though it was ridiculously dark and I weighed about 3,000 pounds back then..(as opposed to the 2500 pounds that I weigh now?)
The poor thing at the printing area had one of the biggest, weirdest, tackiest wig things on her head that I have ever looked like things lived in it...I hope she didn't see me staring at it.'s done..I still find myself signing my "old" name though...Is that bad?


The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I couldn't wait to change my name when I got married. My maiden name is really boring and my married name is sexy and exotic sounding.

It was an economy sized pain in the ass - much like what you described in your post only this time I was laughing.

colleen said...

So glad you survived! This is the reason why I didn't change my of them anyway.

The real clincher...going out to eat once with Hubby and being paged as "Skeleton, party of two, Skeleton."

If they eff up that name so much, I'll keep mine thank you very much.

Besides, I love making people think I'm an unwed mother...there still are some really judgmental people out there...and here's my husband, Mr. S. (who sometimes gets called Mr. B., which is even funnier.)

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I tagged you!