I wonder, are there Blind golfers? Blind artists?
I was watching a show where there was a blind interior decorator. Seemed weird to me too.
Every time I think about food, I get nauseous. Maybe it's because of Belly...as I mentioned yesterday, he cheated on his diet..I don't think he was ever actually on a diet, but he claims he is on Atkins.
After he ate 6300 slices of pizza, he hovered around the food table and ate half of a cake...ok, it was a small cake but still...is full fat, full sugar chocolate cake on Atkins?? I looked it up and here's a nasty sounding version of one.
I took a page from his Food Porn handbook and looked over the cube wall while he was eating..he was in a cake trance..it was very interesting, gross and sad, but interesting.
I turned around to talk to a co-worker and soon after, I heard his high pitched snot-whistle paired with a "smacking" noise..he decided to stand up and eat over my cube wall..sit your fat ass down and stop dropping crumbs on my floor!!!!
My left ear ACTUALLY started to hurt. The frequency of his nose causes me pain..I'm serious, it does.
Anyway, back to my nausea - Maybe if I keep these feelings going, I could lose some weight..Don't get me wrong, I never actually vomit (vomiting is my pet peeve) I just feel like I want to.
Partially frozen cherry Jello is my food of choice..for the moment. By moment I mean RIGHT this moment, after lunch.
It will probably turn to partially frozen pudding this weekend. It's probably just the sugar.
Would this be considered an eating disorder??? Who knows...
Friday, October 20, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
The Cornball Has Returned
He is soooo fucking corny.....
He's back from a week's vacation..it was nice while it lasted...I wonder if he needed the seatbelt extender on the plane..But I digress,
Today we had pizza..Belly was on the phone AND eating so I questioned him, basically asking if he was sure they could understand him. So, while working on his second plate and his fifth slice, he sings: (in the tune of Purple Haze)
'Scuse me while I kill this pie!!
He was so damn proud of himself for that one..stupid ass giggled SO hard, I thought his pizza would come back up...eww, he'd probably eat it again.
Yes, I know what you're thinking...Isn't Belly on ATKINS?????? He claims that since he paid for it, he should be able to cheat on his diet.
WTF??
I think if we weren't monitoring it, he would have eaten a whole pizza..oh wait, that's not possible, since he claims he can't eat a whole chicken.
I can imagine on his vacation that he stuck to his guns, only eating berries and lettuce wedge salads "Low Fat Dressing on the side please". What the hell ever!!
Oh, the comedy.....
He's back from a week's vacation..it was nice while it lasted...I wonder if he needed the seatbelt extender on the plane..But I digress,
Today we had pizza..Belly was on the phone AND eating so I questioned him, basically asking if he was sure they could understand him. So, while working on his second plate and his fifth slice, he sings: (in the tune of Purple Haze)
'Scuse me while I kill this pie!!
He was so damn proud of himself for that one..stupid ass giggled SO hard, I thought his pizza would come back up...eww, he'd probably eat it again.
Yes, I know what you're thinking...Isn't Belly on ATKINS?????? He claims that since he paid for it, he should be able to cheat on his diet.
WTF??
I think if we weren't monitoring it, he would have eaten a whole pizza..oh wait, that's not possible, since he claims he can't eat a whole chicken.
I can imagine on his vacation that he stuck to his guns, only eating berries and lettuce wedge salads "Low Fat Dressing on the side please". What the hell ever!!
Oh, the comedy.....
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Horrible Nightmares
My co-worker says that from time to time she has these really weird dreams about some of our REALLY old and REALLY gross male co-workers. In these dreams she's doing all sorts of freaky, sex things that she would, in a real world, vomit over.
For the past two days, I've been having completely different, but equally as disgusting dreams about Belly??!!!?? Yeah, I know, I need some sort of shock therapy to get the images out of my head.
Dream #1:
In the first dream, we all had beds attached to out desk (??) and we lived at work. In the dream, I awakened to a naked, fat and hairy Belly laying next to me making grunting noises (The grunting was actually my Other Half's sleep apnea). I IMMEDIATELY kicked the shit out of him (Belly) and alerted my sleeping co-workers. They all were under the impression that I invited him into my cube/bed because his underwear were in a box at the end of the cubicle...what kind of crack was I using before I went to sleep?
Dream #2:
In this dream, there was still the fat, naked, hairy belly theme but this time me and two other female co-workers were somehow spending the night at his house. All of his 4000 children were there and one of them was named Tornado (?). I woke up in the dream with him next to me, trying to snuggle up close (gag, hack). I kicked him again and noticed my co-worker was in a bathing suit but she was going to take a shower.
Then my co-worker wanted me to see the cabinets where she tried to hide candy and snacks from Belly's children. In real life, one of his kids is morbidly obese..well HE said they went to the doctor one day and his 10 year old weighed 160 pounds!!! I know grown women (myself NOT included) that don't weigh 160 pounds!!
Anywho, back to the dream...
Belly kept man- giggling and running around the house, naked, covering himself like a woman, telling the kids not to tell their mom...again, a crack pipe must have been on my nightstand before I went to sleep.
I told my co-workers about the dreams and they keep clownin' me saying that I must want him..uh..no..I would rather stick hot razor blades in my cooch.
From Dreammoods.com:
Naked
To dream that you are naked, denotes the fear of being found out and exposed about your activities and misjudgment.
To dream that you suddenly discover your nudity and are trying to cover up, signifies your vulnerability to a situation.
To see a naked person in your dream and you are disgusted by it, signifies some anxiety about discovering the naked truth about that person or situation. It may also foretell of an illicit love affairs, loss of prestige and scandalous activities. (Ewww) On the other hand, if you do not have any problem with another's nudity, then it implies that you see through people and accept them for who and what they are.
Ok..I think
For the past two days, I've been having completely different, but equally as disgusting dreams about Belly??!!!?? Yeah, I know, I need some sort of shock therapy to get the images out of my head.
Dream #1:
In the first dream, we all had beds attached to out desk (??) and we lived at work. In the dream, I awakened to a naked, fat and hairy Belly laying next to me making grunting noises (The grunting was actually my Other Half's sleep apnea). I IMMEDIATELY kicked the shit out of him (Belly) and alerted my sleeping co-workers. They all were under the impression that I invited him into my cube/bed because his underwear were in a box at the end of the cubicle...what kind of crack was I using before I went to sleep?
Dream #2:
In this dream, there was still the fat, naked, hairy belly theme but this time me and two other female co-workers were somehow spending the night at his house. All of his 4000 children were there and one of them was named Tornado (?). I woke up in the dream with him next to me, trying to snuggle up close (gag, hack). I kicked him again and noticed my co-worker was in a bathing suit but she was going to take a shower.
Then my co-worker wanted me to see the cabinets where she tried to hide candy and snacks from Belly's children. In real life, one of his kids is morbidly obese..well HE said they went to the doctor one day and his 10 year old weighed 160 pounds!!! I know grown women (myself NOT included) that don't weigh 160 pounds!!
Anywho, back to the dream...
Belly kept man- giggling and running around the house, naked, covering himself like a woman, telling the kids not to tell their mom...again, a crack pipe must have been on my nightstand before I went to sleep.
I told my co-workers about the dreams and they keep clownin' me saying that I must want him..uh..no..I would rather stick hot razor blades in my cooch.
From Dreammoods.com:
Naked
To dream that you are naked, denotes the fear of being found out and exposed about your activities and misjudgment.
To dream that you suddenly discover your nudity and are trying to cover up, signifies your vulnerability to a situation.
To see a naked person in your dream and you are disgusted by it, signifies some anxiety about discovering the naked truth about that person or situation. It may also foretell of an illicit love affairs, loss of prestige and scandalous activities. (Ewww) On the other hand, if you do not have any problem with another's nudity, then it implies that you see through people and accept them for who and what they are.
Ok..I think
Monday, October 16, 2006
Jamaicans Are Fun..And High
I was going to name this post Jamaican' Me Crazy..But it seemed like something cheesy Belly would say so I changed my mind.
I worked at one on my 1400 jobs on Friday. I'm a cashier at a night club sometimes..whenever they feel like it..slackers.
Usually my night would consist of:
Sitting around lookin' cute
Yelling at drunk people
Letting the owner bring me numerous drinks (He obviously doesn't care about accuracy)
Getting paid for being a slack ass - Just like my day job
Well this particular evening, the promoter already had a "cashier" (aka some drunk dude) so I basically assisted them.
Somehow they talked me in to running in and out of the booth giving people backstage passes..look dammit, I had high heeled boots on and was not prepared for all that shit. One of the promoters kept coming into the VERY small booth, talking real close to my face..I was thinking to myself: If this bastard spits on me ONE MORE time..I'm kicking his ass. He smelled like a combination of jamaican beef patties and ass crack.
Another guy came in but he smelled and looked MUCH better than his gross friend. He was speaking some sort of patois that pretty much lulled me to sleep.
I not sure what the hell he was saying, shit, he could have been telling me he wanted me to do naked back flips off his motel ceiling fan..but it sounded good either way and he said I was beautiful...awww..he probably just wanted some ass.
The Other Half decided he wanted to come by so I made him bring me my trusty Nike's. Once he got there, I regretted inviting him. He was ALREADY drunk and he was talking so fucking loud, people were staring. He kept asking for a kiss..we NEVER kiss in public.
He then took the liberty to invite a million friends and insisted that I let them in....begging me in his loud, drunk person voice...I swear, if I didn't love him....
Anyway, the show was for Buju Banton, he's like the Michael Jackson of Reggae music (before Michael got all weird). I wandered my way into the club (under the guise of "getting something for the manager") and waited till he performed..when he stepped on stage it was like Jesus himself showed up..the Jamaicans went crazy..there was even a guy there waving a Jamaican flag (how the hell did he get in here with a fucking flag??).
I'm not sure if you're aware but they like to light their lighters to show support..not the usual Motley Crue - power ballad lighter flame...more like an INFERNO FROM HADES type of flame.
Even though my weave is made from human hair, I decided it wasn't exactly a good idea to be around all that fire, let alone all the ganja weed in the air.
I told y'all before that I've never smoked anything before and I STILL have a headache from the contact high.
I worked at one on my 1400 jobs on Friday. I'm a cashier at a night club sometimes..whenever they feel like it..slackers.
Usually my night would consist of:
Sitting around lookin' cute
Yelling at drunk people
Letting the owner bring me numerous drinks (He obviously doesn't care about accuracy)
Getting paid for being a slack ass - Just like my day job
Well this particular evening, the promoter already had a "cashier" (aka some drunk dude) so I basically assisted them.
Somehow they talked me in to running in and out of the booth giving people backstage passes..look dammit, I had high heeled boots on and was not prepared for all that shit. One of the promoters kept coming into the VERY small booth, talking real close to my face..I was thinking to myself: If this bastard spits on me ONE MORE time..I'm kicking his ass. He smelled like a combination of jamaican beef patties and ass crack.
Another guy came in but he smelled and looked MUCH better than his gross friend. He was speaking some sort of patois that pretty much lulled me to sleep.
I not sure what the hell he was saying, shit, he could have been telling me he wanted me to do naked back flips off his motel ceiling fan..but it sounded good either way and he said I was beautiful...awww..he probably just wanted some ass.
The Other Half decided he wanted to come by so I made him bring me my trusty Nike's. Once he got there, I regretted inviting him. He was ALREADY drunk and he was talking so fucking loud, people were staring. He kept asking for a kiss..we NEVER kiss in public.
He then took the liberty to invite a million friends and insisted that I let them in....begging me in his loud, drunk person voice...I swear, if I didn't love him....
Anyway, the show was for Buju Banton, he's like the Michael Jackson of Reggae music (before Michael got all weird). I wandered my way into the club (under the guise of "getting something for the manager") and waited till he performed..when he stepped on stage it was like Jesus himself showed up..the Jamaicans went crazy..there was even a guy there waving a Jamaican flag (how the hell did he get in here with a fucking flag??).
I'm not sure if you're aware but they like to light their lighters to show support..not the usual Motley Crue - power ballad lighter flame...more like an INFERNO FROM HADES type of flame.
Even though my weave is made from human hair, I decided it wasn't exactly a good idea to be around all that fire, let alone all the ganja weed in the air.
I told y'all before that I've never smoked anything before and I STILL have a headache from the contact high.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Keep Your Hams To Yourself
Belly keeps trying to find ways to touch me...I almost vomited today...
So far he got the following "feels" in:
1. He asked to use my Sharpie..twice. The first time, I handed it to him and he found a way to touch my hand..think of how long a damn Sharpie is..eww
He handed it back to me after a couple of minutes..tried to touch me again..but my cat-like reflexes foiled his advances.
Not so lucky the second time though..were. is. my. anti. bacterial. hand. gel?????
His sausage-ass fingers are ALWAYS ashy..get some lotion for shit's sake!
2. He ABSOLUTELY NEEDED me to check out a dvd that he pirated (he actually said "Arrrg..Me Maties" when he did it..no, really, he did) to see if it worked on my computer. He handed it to me all gingerly and gay-like and I just knew he was gonna try some shit so I grabbed the disc and got my fingerprints ALL OVER IT..haha At least he didn't touch me, but damn it all if on the disc's way back over to him, that fucker touched me again..I don't feel so good...I'm woozy from the nausea of it all...wait. maybe that's his breath
He asked to for some tape...I think after all these horrible incidents, I have learned. So I set it on top of the cube wall..mwhahahahaha When he was done, he tried to place it back on my desk..his arms are really short and his stomach is really big so I heard an AUDIBLE grunt..it was the funniest shit (besides his chicken song) that I have heard all day.
Let's talk more about his breath..it smells like sulphur and ass crack..is that from a bad tooth or something..(dry heave)
I need a root canal and I'm pretty damn sure MY breath doesn't smell like that.
He eats raw onions ALL day EVERY day..somebody help me
So far he got the following "feels" in:
1. He asked to use my Sharpie..twice. The first time, I handed it to him and he found a way to touch my hand..think of how long a damn Sharpie is..eww
He handed it back to me after a couple of minutes..tried to touch me again..but my cat-like reflexes foiled his advances.
Not so lucky the second time though..were. is. my. anti. bacterial. hand. gel?????
His sausage-ass fingers are ALWAYS ashy..get some lotion for shit's sake!
2. He ABSOLUTELY NEEDED me to check out a dvd that he pirated (he actually said "Arrrg..Me Maties" when he did it..no, really, he did) to see if it worked on my computer. He handed it to me all gingerly and gay-like and I just knew he was gonna try some shit so I grabbed the disc and got my fingerprints ALL OVER IT..haha At least he didn't touch me, but damn it all if on the disc's way back over to him, that fucker touched me again..I don't feel so good...I'm woozy from the nausea of it all...wait. maybe that's his breath
He asked to for some tape...I think after all these horrible incidents, I have learned. So I set it on top of the cube wall..mwhahahahaha When he was done, he tried to place it back on my desk..his arms are really short and his stomach is really big so I heard an AUDIBLE grunt..it was the funniest shit (besides his chicken song) that I have heard all day.
Let's talk more about his breath..it smells like sulphur and ass crack..is that from a bad tooth or something..(dry heave)
I need a root canal and I'm pretty damn sure MY breath doesn't smell like that.
He eats raw onions ALL day EVERY day..somebody help me
Look Here, Chicken Boy
Belly ate chicken again today..what a surprise
He ate it in the breakroom so I'm not sure it he ate A WHOLE CHICKEN like he claimed he couldn't!
I should have went in there, leaned all my lusciousness on the lunch table and watched him inhale his chicken. Sadly, he would probably love it..eww
He skipped his big ass back to his cube and said:
Belly: "Damn, that was good"
I ignored him
He said it AGAIN
So this time I asked what he meant and he said some shit about some chicken, then, all of a fucking sudden he starts with the following bullshit...
(singing and man-giggling)
Rotisereeeeeeee!!
Rotis eris eris ...eris (I guess this was the remix)
erissss EREEEEEEE!!!
What the fuck is going on??? It was all I could do, not to kick him in his sternum. Of course I would have to figure out a way to get my leg over his belly/shield...."You are a crafty opponent GrassHoppa"
After the "concert" was over, I just stared straight ahead at my monitor, in shock/fear,..then he finally sat down..thank you Jesus
He ate it in the breakroom so I'm not sure it he ate A WHOLE CHICKEN like he claimed he couldn't!
I should have went in there, leaned all my lusciousness on the lunch table and watched him inhale his chicken. Sadly, he would probably love it..eww
He skipped his big ass back to his cube and said:
Belly: "Damn, that was good"
I ignored him
He said it AGAIN
So this time I asked what he meant and he said some shit about some chicken, then, all of a fucking sudden he starts with the following bullshit...
(singing and man-giggling)
Rotisereeeeeeee!!
Rotis eris eris ...eris (I guess this was the remix)
erissss EREEEEEEE!!!
What the fuck is going on??? It was all I could do, not to kick him in his sternum. Of course I would have to figure out a way to get my leg over his belly/shield...."You are a crafty opponent GrassHoppa"
After the "concert" was over, I just stared straight ahead at my monitor, in shock/fear,..then he finally sat down..thank you Jesus
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Yeah, Sure
In another attempt to make conversation, Belly kept touting the virtues of his rotisserie chicken lunch. I humored him a little and somehow we got into a discussion about the differences between the seasoning they use on the chicken wings as opposed to what they use on the whole chicken. He made a freudian slip and said " I have the whole chicken one, I mean, I have the pieces right now" (I'm not into food porn, so I didn't look)
Belly then had the NERVE to say:
"I couldn't eat a whole chicken"
He can't be fucking serious...
Did ya see my previous post about his lunch time chicken fest?????
Oh and then someone made a comment about it smelling good and he says: "Well I didn't get this way by eating junk!! [insert his stupid man-giggle here]
Yeah Right Belly, you got that fat by eating lots and lots of healthy vegetables and whole grains...I swear to god!!
Belly then had the NERVE to say:
"I couldn't eat a whole chicken"
He can't be fucking serious...
Did ya see my previous post about his lunch time chicken fest?????
Oh and then someone made a comment about it smelling good and he says: "Well I didn't get this way by eating junk!! [insert his stupid man-giggle here]
Yeah Right Belly, you got that fat by eating lots and lots of healthy vegetables and whole grains...I swear to god!!
Go Ahead And Get Mad Now
Reader Discretion Advised
You MIGHT be offended if you're a:
stay at home mom with an SUV blocking rush hour traffic
rich bitch/kept woman with an SUV blocking rush hour traffic
soccer mom with an SUV blocking rush hour traffic
I swear if I see one more broad in an SUV with a fucking Nike TENNIS HAT on..I'm going to kick her to sleep.
I was trapped in traffic hell behind one of these cows today..just mozeein' along without a care in the world. I guess she decided to veer off to get her Starbuck's fix before she went to the mall and started to straddle BOTH the right turn lane and the main traffic lane.
I was all prepared to lightly tap her bumper and deploy the PIT maneuver but she swerved just in time..bitch
I let my mighty horn blare and she had the NERVE to give ME a dirty look!! If I didn't have a job that I needed to get to ON DAMN TIME, I would have followed her to Starbucks, waited for the Barista to finish her drink and then I would have knocked it off the counter...[insert evil laugh here]
JUST because I'm mean.
You MIGHT be offended if you're a:
stay at home mom with an SUV blocking rush hour traffic
rich bitch/kept woman with an SUV blocking rush hour traffic
soccer mom with an SUV blocking rush hour traffic
I swear if I see one more broad in an SUV with a fucking Nike TENNIS HAT on..I'm going to kick her to sleep.
I was trapped in traffic hell behind one of these cows today..just mozeein' along without a care in the world. I guess she decided to veer off to get her Starbuck's fix before she went to the mall and started to straddle BOTH the right turn lane and the main traffic lane.
I was all prepared to lightly tap her bumper and deploy the PIT maneuver but she swerved just in time..bitch
I let my mighty horn blare and she had the NERVE to give ME a dirty look!! If I didn't have a job that I needed to get to ON DAMN TIME, I would have followed her to Starbucks, waited for the Barista to finish her drink and then I would have knocked it off the counter...[insert evil laugh here]
JUST because I'm mean.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Calling All Greedy Bastards
I was working quietly (can you believe it?) when all of a sudden the floor started to shake..Lo and Behold, it was Belly bounding down the aisle, take-out lunch in hand, cheesy smile on face.
He opened the box and graced us with the stink of said lunch. Had had a 600 piece wing combo - okay maybe it was a 30 piece - all soaked in vinegary nastiness.
A co-worker walked by and made some random comment about his wings and Belly says: Oh I'd rate them a "B", they're not that good
But you know his fat ass then proceeded to EAT THE WHOLE THING including the celery and dressing..I think I heard the crunch of styrofoam, but I could be wrong....
The carnage was so fascinating that people kept walking by "oohing and ahhing".."dang, that's a lot of chicken bones".
He sat there the whole time looking proud..stuffing his face and smiling....eww
He opened the box and graced us with the stink of said lunch. Had had a 600 piece wing combo - okay maybe it was a 30 piece - all soaked in vinegary nastiness.
A co-worker walked by and made some random comment about his wings and Belly says: Oh I'd rate them a "B", they're not that good
But you know his fat ass then proceeded to EAT THE WHOLE THING including the celery and dressing..I think I heard the crunch of styrofoam, but I could be wrong....
The carnage was so fascinating that people kept walking by "oohing and ahhing".."dang, that's a lot of chicken bones".
He sat there the whole time looking proud..stuffing his face and smiling....eww
The Annoying Co-Worker Report 10/10
Belly has this annoying way of clearing his throat. Imagine someone going "Harruumpph" then ending it with a "Hashummm" every 5 minutes.
It's like his nervous laughter tick and I'm going to choke him out soon.
He has a nicer polo shirt on today but he still looks like a busted can of biscuits. You could probably store a roll of quarters in his belly button...eww, marinate on that one for a minute.
My other annoying co-worker wouldn't shut up about her "good cookin' " today..I've tasted it..it's not that great and her 80's era "slacks" are LITERALLY playing grab ass with her today.
She's gonna get a yeast infection if she keeps wearing those pants.
The fabric is pilled so bad, her pants look like a wooly sweater....Ooo Sexy.
It's like his nervous laughter tick and I'm going to choke him out soon.
He has a nicer polo shirt on today but he still looks like a busted can of biscuits. You could probably store a roll of quarters in his belly button...eww, marinate on that one for a minute.
My other annoying co-worker wouldn't shut up about her "good cookin' " today..I've tasted it..it's not that great and her 80's era "slacks" are LITERALLY playing grab ass with her today.
She's gonna get a yeast infection if she keeps wearing those pants.
The fabric is pilled so bad, her pants look like a wooly sweater....Ooo Sexy.
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