Saturday, June 23, 2012

The Baby Is Scared Of Inflatable Shit...

Look how cute he is....loooook!

But according to mah sweet lil baybee he is a bastard from hell...and he must die.

It all started on the day before her 1st birthday party. I had BIG PLANS for the only two other "babies" that she technically knew. (She's not in daycare).

We were going to have "pool time" at my condo's lil raggedy pool after cake and ice cream and shit...

So I went out to Target and spent GOOD MONEY on all these inflatable things because according to the packages - they were fun and shit.

I sat on the floor and started to blow everything up and lil baybee immediately started to shit herself with fear..weird..I thought maybe it was the sound the air was making when I blew into them...I dunno, she could barely look at them and was clawing at my neck..WTF?

I stacked alll that expensive shit up in the corner and prayed it was just a phase.

She's kinda strange that way though..she once freaked out over some slippers that I had on..sigh, hey, I hit the jackpot and got a weird baby.

Anyway, her party came and went and the pool idea went to shit..cut to yesterday.

It was Down South Slavery hot here so we got our cute bathing gear together and went to the pool..yay, we were screaming ass banshee kids from across the street...yay.

She eyeballed the turtle like "keep it movin' fucker"...and I sat her down in it...

{Insert award-winning baby freak-out here}

I took her out and we floated around for a while..she kept throwing eye-daggers at him as he made his way to the deep end..poor turtle.

We tried again and she tried to black my eye..seriously, she was pissed..whoa, ok lady.

None of this stopped me from posting her "crying in the pool" video on Facebook for all my friends and family to mock and discuss..

cuz i'm izz a gud momma.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Have You Ever Hated That Bitch In The Next Cubicle?

*le sigh*
So THIS came up in my weekly review meeting:
Supervisor: *sigh* I normally wouldn't say anything..but it came up in MY weekly review.
Me: um, ok
Supervisor: maybe you should bring the baby by less often
Me: (thinking)'the fuck?? (out loud) Is she loud? Disruptive?
Supervisor: OH GOD NO!! She is quiet as a church mouse, never cries and is so very precious..I call her "my child" for God's sake!
Me: um, ok..Did someone say something?
Supervisor: I wasn't told any specifics but somebody might think that she might be a distraction..but please know that I'M not the one saying this..

You know how when you get embarrassed and your face starts to get hot and you feel tears welling up? Yeah, I had that...

What fucking irks me is that everybody in here BEGS ME to bring her to work on my days kidding, BEGGING.

I suspect it is this one bitch that thinks that EVERYTHING is a distraction..

You got a new haircut? DISTRACTION!!
You had a heart attack? DISTRACTION!!
The sky is blue?? WHAT!?! DISTRACTION!!!!!!! CALL H.R.!!

I fucking hate her and her ass kissing ways. She's one of those people that dresses her dog up in sailor suits and has no life.

I looked back at the times when I did bring her in..just in case I was being an asshole (it's possible)..and I swear, we were quiet, unassuming and very respectful ( a stretch for me, believe that) every time we came by.
I even worried taht maybe I WAS bringing her to work too much..but they just kept it up with the damn begging.

I somehow kept myself from actually crying in our meeting..because I wouldn't want to be a distraction or anything..grrrr

Some people just always have to find a way to keep somebody "under their thumb"

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Watch What You Say On Your Blog..Yeah Right, WHATEVS

I was puttering around on my rarely used Etsy shop today and noticed that I had a message...I figured it was some blah blah blah from Etsy about "welcome to our crunchy hippie site" but it was actually an email from a reality TV "star".

Huh, wha?

Apparently, SIX FUCKING YEARS AGO, I posted a blog about a really obscure reality show called T.reasure H.unters. In that post I intimated that I would whoop someone's ass if I caught her in a dark alley...all because she was mean to her seemingly sweet Dad..and she was acting like an award winning bratass, so like I "do", I voiced my opinion in written form.

Problem was, I used her entire name and she was "embarrassed by what is posted about her on the web". She wrote: "I'm just now trying to clean up what comes up when you google search my name"
She went as far as contacting Google who then told her to try contacting ME..thanks Google..fuckers.

At first, I had an "oh shit" moment - like..oh noes, lawsuit? blog deletion?

And then....the super duper asshole in me came out and I thought:

So you're embarrassed huh? How about.... DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE ON NATIONAL TV???? Obviously, your behavior follows you on the innerwebbins forever.
Is she going to send out an email plea to every damn body??

grrr..the nerve of her..makes my teeth itch.

I SO wish I could direct you to the actual links of what OTHER people have said about comments are tame in comparison.

I deleted her actual name (cuz I'm too tired for bullshit this morning) - but the comment (and the feeling behind it) stands.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Pregnancy Jealousy and Beyonce Is A Damn Alien

I know this is old, but it's been festering in my brain for months.

Check out this bitch at the 3:17 mark....

It's official...She is not human.

My sickly ass could barely walk during the last months of my pregnancy and this broad has the nerve to do a kick-squat in 47 inch heels without fainting, vomiting and/or falling into the orchestra pit...I gotta get rich and soon.

Granted, she was in WAY better shape than I was and WAY younger..but I'm sure being rich usually does.

Yes, I'm hating..(it's because I'm bored..honestly..okay, maybe not)

For most of my pregnancy I was sick as a dog. Add to that wonderfullness SCIATICA..on BOTH SIDES..yay.

So when I would see these bright, shiny and happy pregnant ladies around town, I would secretly hate them..then I would go home and cry because yeah, I had THAT too.

Pregnancy wasn't fun for do people do this more than once???

It's probably that moment, early in the morning when your widdle baybay looks up at you with that sweet cherub face and babbbles something that sounds like "mama"..sigh, that child has made me a fucking sappy ass sap...

And on another note...Build-A-Bear Workshop is the Devil...that is all.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Confession Monday - Being A Whore At Work

*le sigh*

There's a temp that sits across from me at work whose voice makes me want to hump his leg...

There, I "said" it.

Seriously, you should hear's da yumz.

The way that our cubicles are positioned, I can't actually see him because my monitor is in the way, but I can hear him on the phone all day..talkin' all sexaaay and shit...and he's not even trying to be just "be's like that".

Looks-wise, he's ok I guess..he has those sleepy bedroom eyes that make you wanna lay across his desk and luxuriate during lunch..but that would be blatantly whoreish...I'm more of an undercover whore thankyouverymuch.

Oh..and his laugh??!!?? easygoing, heh heh heh..

I've got one word for you...MOIST

And no, I have not told my husband about this new work crush..the last time I told him about this lil young kid at my old part time job who was asking me out, he said:

Hmm..maybe you should go out with him..then you could manipulate him out of his paycheck every week..cuz we have bills...

Yeah..true story..he swears he was kidding.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Black Thursday and Friday..All Late And Shit

And that was just my WalMart cart...

I promise, this was not all for MY baby..but I was tempted.

I have several excuses for why I am just getting around to posting this:

1. I'm lazy as shit
2. My husband's parents don't have internet (*gasp*, clutch the pearls)
3. The town they live in allows me about an 1/8th of a bar cell reception
4. Fuck AT&T and my slow ass iPhone
5. When you have kids, shit just slips your mind
6. I am still slightly traumatized by the whole weekend

There was one point, while I was laying across a pallet of pink baby laptops waiting for 10:00pm Thursday) to strike, that I thought to myself: " are pure fucking cray cray, go back to the house and get some sleep"..but then I imagined just how fucking cute my lil baybeeeeee would look using a pink baby laptop and I prepared for battle.

15 minutes earlier, some shit jumped off over some cheap ass, fake leather ottomans..seriously.

Luckily, I'd made a "friend" while laying across the pallet of cute V-tech baby shit and we devised a plan to use another "friend's" shopping cart to store all of our loot.
She was one buddy down because apparently, it is bad form to threaten a WalMart employee with the phrase "I hope somebody pushes your fat bitch ass down" that small town, it makes the police come to your pallet and escort you out of the handcuffs.

Small town WalMart confusing.

Anywayzzz, 10pm came and people went crazy..but I got my pink baby laptop and I'm still alive. I left the pink baby rocking horse thingie in the men's underwear aisle because after standing in line with it for a while, it was giving me the hairy eyeball and was freaking me out..maybe next year.
Oh, and THIS..could ya just diiiiie??!!?? Maybe she will become Queen of Da Piano like Lady Gaga and take care of me in my old age..or she could just make a whole lot of noise and shame the family name..whatever, it's cute.

Edited to add: I ALSO got up on Friday at 3am like a dumb ass and went shopping in a different small town..but I'm too tired to write about it right now.

And the moral of this story is...


(I was never good at that whole "moral of the story" shit..and I'm sleepy..and the baby making poop noises and it sounds like a blow-out.)

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

My Husband Does Dumb Shit...But He's Cute And His Sperm Works

A couple of nights ago, he'd been out on the front porch relaxing and having a beer (possibly two..who freaking knows).

Later on, I watched him go into the bedroom with a bag of Flipz White Chocolate Pretzels (only a DOLLAR at Kroger! SCORE!!) and a handful of Reese's Cups.
He doesn't eat sweets very much but when he does, he goes BIG.

Cut to an hour later....

The lights are off and the TV is on in the bedroom.
I sat on the bed, all ready to watch Sons Of Anarchy on my favorite seemingly illegal website, when all of a sudden, I hear some award winning snoring coming from his side of the I look...and I notice a white blob on his cheek...'the hell?

A closer look reveals that this jackass has fallen into some sort of sugar coma with a trail of pretzels up his arm, on his face and chest (and all over my favorite sheets) in different stages of meltage...oh and did I mention that there were candy wrappers all over MY pillows??!!
I swear to God, I was SO pissed, I was simultaneously screaming at him and looking for something to stab him with.

And OF COURSE I was "overreacting"....

Him: Why are you yelling and's not like there's chocolate everywhere...
Me: Are you serious right now??

I could tell that he was still asleep..he has a habit of having FULL conversations in his sleep..again, 'The Hell??

Him: Daaaaaamn lady!! Why are you trippin''s just a pretzel or two..go to bed..leave me alone...zzzzzz

I finally got him to wake up and man, was he pissed..he stomped off to the bathroom, pretzels still stuck to him, mumbling shit..then it got silent...he must have seen himself in the mirror...I heard the water running...he got back into bed and whispered some shit about "Good night", and I didn't hear a peep out of his ass for the rest of the night.

Score ONE for me and my righteous indignation..because yes, I keep a mental score of "marriage wins"..because I am mean.

I swear, if he wasn't the father of my child....

Speaking of that 5 months old, she already knows how to manipulate my emotions.
She has learned how to pout and can also smile reaaaal cute when she wants is that freaking possible??

I spent $40 and a fucking hour putting together THIS DAMN THING

The first time she sat in it, she just sat in it..Absolutely petrified.
I spun her around and made all the toys move and she JUST. SAT. THERE.
I figured that maybe it was a little too advanced for a 4 month old...literally too many "bells and whistles".
The next few times went a little better..but not much.
Lately she sits in it and screams bloody murder after a minute or yeah, that was a great, useful purchase.

According to my iPhone and digital camera, I have taken approximately 600 pictures of her and spent at least $300 on clothes for her.

And I am only slightly ashamed of myself.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Tits?..Meh, Not So Much

It seems that my boobs are The Debbul...

The baby is on a breastfeeding strike. She breastfed for like a month and now she HATES it.

It's probably because my milk supply is bullshit at best..sorry lil baby. I try to get her to feed every other day but she just looks at my tit like it owes her money and turns away...

She actually punched me in the nip once...

But the last few times she stuck her tongue out, tasted the milk a little (as if she was testing the vintage) then screamed bloody murder until I got her a bottle of formula to nosh on.

Maybe my milk is sour....God knows I'm not going to taste it for myself...that is just crazy balls.

It hurt my "perty lil feelers" for a while thinking she didn't like ME anymore but I was going through post-partum depression and I was SUPER crazy balls anyways so that passed.

And as if that wasn't TMI period started up again today...because as you may or may not know - breastfeeding makes the hemorrhaging vajazzlin go away.

damn it all to hell...

P.S....I had NO idea hemorrhaging was spelled that way..1.5 years of The Art Institute really paid off huh?

Friday, July 29, 2011

I Think My Pee Hole Is Broken

Yeah..I said it.

When I was in the hospital having the baby, I had to get a catheter because..I dunno why, anywhoo, ever since then, my pee stream is different...just an FYI from a dumb ass.

On another note, the baby is two months old and is a rock star..that doesn't feel that it is necessary to sleep at night...I am one sleepy bitch, especially since I went back to work this week (booooooo work).
My first day back, I basically fucked around and made it look like I was working but I was mostly trying not to break down in big weepy tears because I missed the baby..I don't cry as much as I used to but...still.

Seemingly, "There is no crying in baseball" in my husband's world when it comes to me. He gave me a "pass" when I was pregs and a little while after but now he's giving me the "oh here we go again" look when he sees me getting kind of makes me laugh though...him being all uncomfortable with this girly stuff. Especially since I GAVE BIRTH TO A GIRL-CHILD!!!!

I seriously needed a sedative today when she got her immunization shots..oh emmm fuckin gee that was an ordeal.I NEVER want to hear my child scream like that again.
I would have cried but my husband the Tear Nazi was there and proclaimed that only one female could cry in his presence today...whatever, jackass...ha

I have to go now....the baby has sensed that I am doing something OTHER than eyeballing and/or feeding her.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

A Month And Two Days Later...

Sigh...this shit is hard.

I'm pretty sure I have the "baby blues" because I'm crying more than an old lady in church and EVERYthing freaks me the fuck out.

The baby had her one month check up and the doc thinks she's slightly under-weight so I've been instructed to feed the hell out of her....but I'm sleeeeeepy dammit!

She has her days and nights mixed up and likes to keep us up all night...sigh
I promise you, she can sense the EXACT moment that I am about to fall asleep and she chooses that time to scream bloody murder...and as soon as I jump up to see about her, she smiles or goes right back to sleep...manipulating me already...yay