Because I am A Raging Dumbass, That's Why

Christ God, I need to post here more regularly..or something.

Ok so a couple of weeks ago, I decided to ACCIDENTALLY nearly kill myself and the baby..because I was sleepy and shit.

For the past three years I've been on insulin two types of insulin (Before that I was on oral medication for my Type 2 Diabetes but that crap gives babies birth defects).

Up until the other night, I'd never had a problem with the dosages...but I'm stupid or something.

Earlier that day my blood sugar had been low twice and all I wanted to do was sleep. I fixed the low blood sugar issues and took a nap..like 4 times.

Later on in the evening, I ate some dinner and went back to bed. I woke up at about 11:30pm knowing that I had to take my "night time" dosage of Lantus (a "long acting" insulin) and a little snack because I had already taken my normal 3 mealtime dosages of Novalog (a "fast acting" insulin)...well, um..err,um

Instead of taking 75 units of the LONG ACTING, I stood right there in my kitchen and shot up 75 units of the FAST ACTING insulin (which I'm only supposed to take 30 units of) ...

yeah.."oh shit" is right.

AS SOON as I noticed what I did, I speed dialed the Kaiser Permanente Advice Nurse and explained to her what I did...all the while, trying to hold my already fragile shit together.

She made me eat a whole bunch of crap like bread, apples and peanut butter and constantly test my blood sugar while she called my OB/GYN and then my Internist on the other line. When she got back on the phone she asked if my husband was there...

Me: Yes, why?

Nurse: WAKE HIM IMMEDIATELY AND TELL HIM TO CALL 911!!!

Huh? wha?

Oh hell....

So I wake him up out a deeeeep sleep, screaming some shit about calling 911 and get your shoes on..poor guy.

I tried to tell the nurse that I could literally see the hospital from my front door and that an ambulance wasn't necessary but she wasn't falling for such bullshit and made them come anyway...sigh...even the responding Paramedic asked me if I just wanted to have my husband drive me over there..when the nurse heard that she flipped her shit again...double sigh.

So there I am, dressed in the worst outfit I have ever thrown together, hair flying in 42 different directions, out in 30 degree weather, riding in the back of an ambulance for ONE WHOLE MILE..damn it all to hell, that one mile will cost me $100 - Thanks Kaiser Healthcare.

They put me in a nice little private room in the ER..(it had a TV and everything) so that they could monitor and poke on me.

Sadly, the kitchen was closed by the time I got there so they tried to feed me a cold ham sandwich...ummm, 'scuse me Nurse Lady, ever heard of LISTERIA!!?!!

She was all "oh, my bad"..and then proceeded to bring me an assload of graham crackers, apple juice, saltines and the nastiest ass tubs of Smuckers peanut butter I have ever eaten (gag)...they should stick to making jelly.

I probably would have caused a scene and got all diva-like..but I was worried that my mug shot would have looked like the female version of this:

And you know damn well, I couldn't go out like that....

Besides, a couple of the ER nurses looked like Chicago Bears line-backers and no one wants a mugshot like this one either:

What exactly the fuck was going THERE??

Anyway, I spent the next 7 hours watching TV and eating birthday cake from the nurse's station..because that's the level of care that they provide at my local hospital..nothing but THE BEST for me and my baby.

AHEM..anyway

My poor husband tried to tough it out on the plastic chairs in the room for a few hours but I finally made him go home to try to get some sleep.

He tried to put on the obligatory "oh Honey, I can't leave you" face but I knew he burned rubber out of the parking lot on the way home that morning.

Finally my blood sugar stabilized and they cut me loose. The ER doctor told me not to take any insulin for the rest of the day..(because I obviously cannot be trusted with a syringe).

Fine by me, all I did was eat, sleep and watch TV all day..yay me.

Pissy

I'm starting to think that pregnancy is all about piss...

EVERY time I go to the OB/GYN, I have to piss in a cup..every. damn. time..it's stupid but I guess it's necessary..or something

Last week, the doctor claimed to need a big ole jug of my piss for testing purposes. The thought of this made me dry heave..but he IS a doctor after all.
I went to the lab and was handed a lovely BRIGHT ORANGE piss jug in a way too small BRIGHT BLUE plastic bag...oh, so subtle.
I took it home and sat on the toilet trying to figure out just how the fuck I was supposed to maneuver:
1) All this ass
2) That big ole jug
3) A bathroom the size of a phone booth

Because I've been to WAY too many High School parties, a red plastic cup came to mind..still..big ass, small bathroom..potential disaster...or pissaster..(ok, I'll understand if you slap the taste out of my mouth over that one.)
Anywhooo, for a full 24 hours, I pissed into a cup, gagged, poured piss into a big cup, gagged again, screamed and cried while I rinsed the cup out with shower gel, bleach and scalding hot bathtub water and oh..get this..it HAD TO STAY IN THE REFRIGERATOR!! All nice and chilled like a summer time beverage.

*faint*

I had that thing bagged up like a dead body the whole time..It kept me up that night wondering if it had a leak in it...I swear, if it did, I would have bought a whole new refrigerator for that place..and we rent!
I tried to be invisible as possible while standing in line at the lab the next day..but noooo..the broad at the desk took one look at me and my "special little bag" and commenced to slapping on a bright blue latex glove...bitch..what is it with Kaiser Healthcare and these bright ass colors??

Then, if that wasn't bad enough, I went to the Perinatologist (because I'm old-like and have health issues) and they required yet another piss sample..but THIS place didn't have all kinds of cute little ledges for you to place your piss covered, itty bitty cup on...they didn't even have the little trap door thingie..(ugh, ghetto?)
So there I was, teetering over the toilet in this weird , badly lit bathroom, the nurse patiently waiting outside for me to hurry the fuck up, quads burning because I'm a lazy ass, trying to hold my pants and panties out of the piss stream with one hand, too small cup in the other,holding my shirt and sweater under my chin, head swirling from being at that weird angle for that long..and it happened..I dribbled a little on the back of my pants and panties...*gag* GOD DAMN IT ALL!!!
I teetered the cup on the slick ass sink edge - praying that it wouldn't slide off and splash all over the fucking floor..because really, that would have killed me...
I tried to blot my clothes...then I took to using the hand soap and hard ass paper towels..shiiiiit damnitttttt fuckinnn helll.
The nurse was all "Are you ok?"..and because I'm a wonderful actress, I said "Oh, just FIIIINE!".
I'm convinced that I smelled like a Skid Row wino for the rest of the exam...

*sigh*

And because the universe likes to kick me in the face, I found out today that they ran the wrong test on my first jug of piss and now they need ANOTHER one...

I'm almost afraid to ask "what next?"..because with my luck, it will probably be a stool sample....

Somebody's Home...Still

Thanksgiving..we spent it in the backwoods with the in-laws...I have never laughed so hard in my life. They are some of my favorite people on this earth..weird huh?

We finally told them about the baby {insert screaming, hollering and crying here}

I was able to get about a speck of signal strength 2 out of the 4 days we were there..sigh

What else happened..ummm..hmm

Oh..yeah, I went to my official "First OB Appointment"..it's been a month in the making - damn you bleeding uterus - We heard the heartbeat (cute!!) and Lil Peanut did a dance for us (showoff - OBVIOUSLY my child)

The nurse/midwife says that everything looks good in there and I guess I believe her. My blood pressure is being an asshole so they are making me double up on my meds - Oh Joy.
For some reason, they found it necessary to take FOURTEEN vials of blood from me!! - huh? By the time I got home I felt like somebody had kicked my ass all over town..and I was FREEZING. Remind me to never do that again.

Here's a pic of the spawn..and I only say that because, at certain angles, he/she looks like he/she has horns...no really, LOOK!

Yay Peanut

So Wednesday, I went and got a "follow-up" ultrasound and got to see lil Peanut...um, wow, that was CRAZY!

Even though he/she only has a huge head and some lil nubs for arms and legs - he/she is a fucking dancing machine..yep, that's MY baby alright.

I heard the heartbeat...double wow...they say it's a good one too.

According to the Ultrasound Tech, Peanut looked to be about 8 weeks and 2 days at that time.

I'm still spotting and despite all my whining and crying, the doctor seems to think that this is normal..I dunno though, it still freaks me out.

I'm supposed to be on "pelvic rest" so that means no heavy lifting, housework or sex...

Damn, I was supposed to film "Hot, Heavy Box Lifting, Pregnant Maids" next week..

damn it all to hell.

Ok, Yeah..That

On the 11th I took another hCG test and it was 41,000.....not doubled like it was "supposed" to be..I'm not sure what to do about that and I'm STILL spotting EVERY day....no pelvic pain, heavy bleeding or fever so I guess that's a good sign?

I called the doctor and had to leave a fucking message..yay.

I have a follow-up ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday and I plan on just walking in today and getting another blood test since it seems no one can be bothered to fucking call me back.

I'm scared, irritated and anxious...so yeah, that.

While I was writing this from work, I called the "advice nurse" and told her everything. She's going to tell the Midwife on Duty about the situation and they will get back to me...

SIGH..I hate waiting.

Lil Peanut Update

So I went to the doctor on Thursday and it seems that my uterus is quite crowded..no, not multiples - calm down..sheesh.

It's the damn fibroids..they're huge and stuff and they have made my girly parts all big.

For example, a regular woman's uterus is say, a precious little boutique - 6 cm maybe...mine? it's the Mall of America..measuring at over 20 cm!!..yay?

It is so huge, they could not find Lil Peanut at first...so I had to go over to Radiology and have the "real" ultrasound done.
Seems they could not see it either but after some searching there he/she/it/whatev was..all 5 weeks of him/her/it/whatev....but, the sac is so small and my fibroids are so huge, they are not able to see very much at this time.

I had an hCG blood test taken and it shows my level at 33638.0 and according to the chart below:

APPROXIMATE GESTATIONAL AGE
Weeks
5 - 6
Ranges
10,000 - 100,000

That means squeeeee! (?)

They want that level to double in the next 3 to 4 days because I guess that lets them know Lil Peanut is still alive...or something.

I'm still spotting - a fact that caused me to cry like an asshole in front of the nurse - which caused her to freak out and almost cry because she could not understand WHY I was crying - which caused my husband to cringe till he died.

Oh, and I have not told my Mother about ANY of this yet..because I'll cry.

Does the damn sap assness ever stop??

Updates And Shit...

Well..Halloween came...BUT NO CHILDREN DID..

sigh...I decorated the porch, bought $17 worth of NAME BRAND CHOCOLATE and everything...

The Bible Thumpin' - "Halloween is the Debbul" Committee To Ruin Shit seems to have cancelled the annual costume contest at work so my painfully cute 80's costume hung in the closet like a jackass the entire time..

Fuck 'em...

Last week, I had a urinary tract infection (oooo, sexy) so I went to the doctor..seems I'm pregnant and such....

but the Saturday before finding out, I went out clubbin with the co-workers and was DRUNK AS ALL HELL..and because I felt fat and all, decided to wear TWO girdle/corsets...nice prenatal care eh?..I'm a mothering phenomenon.

I have an appointment for 2pm eastern..today.

But I am scared..I'm 37..I have Type 2 Diabetes and I have IMMENSE uterine fibroids..and I have a weird detachment to the lil thing that we have named "Peanut"..because I'm a scared ass dumb ass...and because I can't keep my fucking mouth shut, proceeded to tell my co-workers..the same co-workers whose mouths are so big and far reaching, they could probably get a hand delivered message to Bin Laden before sun-up.

And some people seemed happy for me..some just told me I better not make THEIR lives miserable for the next 9 months and to sit my questioning ass down..um, wow.

But then about 45 minutes ago...I woke up with the urge to pee...and there was some blood..like it was the 1st day of my period..and I cried...a lot..really quietly because I did not want to wake my husband up..because he is so sweet and excited and worried that the waistband of my panties could hurt the baby...shit, I love him so much.

I've tried to make him aware of what could "happen" because of my Diabetes..but he says sweet things like: "No offense to the lil he/she/it inside you but, I just want YOU to be alive and healthy"..could ya just hump his leg??!!??

oh, back to the story and stuff..

I called my insurance company's "advice nurse" at what the hell o'thirty and tried not to wail uncontrollably in his ear..he was so nice and "Southern"..with a reassuring lilt in his voice.."Now, sugar, if you were in the kind of pain I'M asking you about, honey, you wouldn't have to think about it"..I love southern lilty male voices.
But then all of the horrible miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy stories that I've been hearing about and reading about on this fucking internet thing started swirling around in my head and I cried to poor Richard Advice Nurse Guy..begging him to get me an earlier appointment...as if a 4 am appointment was an actual possibility...cuz geez, don't they know who "I" am??
He said that I literally have the only open appointment at that facility for the next 3 thousand years and that I should just take a few deep breaths and "go lay down somewhere"...

I'll try....but I'm not making any promises.

Wow..This Thing Is Still Live?

Yeah yeah..imma get to it

I've been sleepy and stuff...

I promise to have something stupid to post shortly...

Fuck You And Your Raggedy Ass Carwash

*Sigh*

And for today's "Complaint, Whine, Bitch and Moan" News....

Last week my husband went to our local carwash, CARNETT'S for his usual $29.99 carwash.
(He goes there every other week or so, so the people there know him by first name and vice versa)
He pulls the car up, they wave for him to get out and go wait in the lobby - as usual
But this time, they don't give him a little "pay us bitch" ticket...hmm, strange he thinks but continues on into the lobby.
He busies himself on their free internet while he waits - as usual - and when it's time for the car to be ready, he SPEAKS DIRECTLY TO THE MANAGER and says "Are we good? Straight?" as in "Is this one free??" and the guy says SURE, BYEEEEE!! in his usual, weird, chipper way.

ok so...I had no idea that any of this happens because men don't EVER tell you the important things...EVER.

Why then did I get a CERTIFIED LETTER in the mail from the local police dept mentioning that these fucktards have filed a report for Theft Of Services against me and the husband???

{Insert lots of WTFs and Who In The Hells here}

I called the detective and asked her what was going on and she explains that she has just watched the surveillance video showing my seemingly THIEFTASTICAL husband "stealing a carwash"..umm, hold on lady, we're not thieves...and if we were, we'd steal something WAAAYYY better than a raggedy ass carwash.

Since I didn't want any trouble from Da Po Po, I asked her what we needed to do in order to clear this up and she said "Oh, just pay them..no big deal".....NO BIG DEAL??? The hell?

I called my husband, screamed at him and stuff...poor guy, he didn't deserve the screaming but I was pre menstrual..shut up..I was!
He explained the situation so then I called the carwash...these fools were more worried about it getting ready to rain outside than they were about me screaming and hollering about their shitty procedures...*sigh*

So I paid these jackasses this morning...they were all boucing around and happy to have me back like nothing happened -yeah fuck you, here's your damn money...it took everything in my soul not to take my arm and sweep it across the counter, knocking ALL that shit off of it...but I didn't

Because as you are all aware, I'm SUCH a fucking lady...

WTF IS THAT LIL PIC THINGIE??

Ok..so is it just me or is there a lil Photobucket "fuck you" image superimposed on my blog page??

The interwebbins is tha devil...

EDITED TO ADD:

Oh..it was my background..seems the webadingalinding site went outta business...

Shit I Don't Need...

I went to the mall yesterday to return THE CUTEST STEVE MADDEN FLATS EVER....EVER AND THEY WERE THE LAAAASSSST PAIR!!!, because they made me feel guilty with their $29 (on clearance) price tag and they'd probably never EVER get worn...and I needed gas money. SIGH

Across from the shoe store, there was this super huge mega mart underwear clearance center..cuz big ass purple satin draws need a place to die, I suppose.

I had nothing better to do so I went in and noticed these bras with "modesty petals" in them....wow, really?

I promise you, I can count on two fingers the times that my nips have gotten hard in the cold in my 37 years of life...really.

Maybe my nips are defective or something....and gawd, these bras were like 3 inches of push up foam too. What the hell kind of nips could possibly bust through these things??

But why is that I'm almost jealous of these "intrusive nip" people?

Probably because I just wanna buy something...yeah, that.

More Bullshit...

Look, I KNOW that I've been a whining crying ass heffa for the past couple of posts....

But now this:

Orchard Bank closed my credit card account..because they thought that they "heard me request it" in a previous customer service inquiry.....

WHAT THE FUCKIN HELL???

sigh

No bitch, what I said was: "IF you raise my interest rate, I would consider closing my account" and YOUR SUPERVISOR said that "it DEFINITELY would not happen"..and we were square

Now I'm ass out because as a former bankruptcy filer, NOBODY LOVES ME (at least no credit card companies do)

I called them today only to hear in so many words..."Sorry Bitch..Life is tough..watch what you say".
I asked to speak to a supervisor and she informed me that the reinstatement request was DENIED....umm, I was good enough for you 5 months ago but now I'm chopped liver?
And then cow even had the nerve to end the conversation with: "I hope we have a chance to do business with you in the future"....I nearly slapped her through the phone.

DOUBLE WHAT THE FUCKIN HELL?

After a cool off period, I called again and asked to speak to the person that could fix this...spoke to an account rep who gave me the whole "canned response" thing again then put me on hold forever while she checked to see if I was eligible for a NEW card..yeah..check this out:


Thank you for applying. Unfortunately, HSBC Bank Nevada, N.A. is unable to approve your application at this time.
Unfortunately, HSBC is unable to approve your application due to the following reason(s):
WE RECENTLY APPROVED YOU FOR AN HSBC ACCOUNT

{Insert my screaming, yelling and cursing here}

So yeah, now I can't rent a car when I need to..AND I MAY NEED TO THIS WEEKEND!!...

Does the steam coming out of my ears make me look fat?

Can I Just Have My Fucking Money?

sigh....

I hate:

1. Bank of America
2. My state's Revenue Department
3. My bootleg ass Tax Guy
4. Everything else

I had my taxes done on April 14th..cuz I'm a slack ass. By the end of May, I started to wonder where the hell my state refund was so i called the lil automated info line and was told that it was deposited on May 26th...um no hell it wasn't.

So I waited

and waited....

Then I called people and started yelling...of course nobody knew shit.

I somehow found out that my $1505 dollars was deposited into some random Bank of America account...huh? Again, nobody knows shit.

...cut to today...I have made over 20 phone calls and made two seperate visits to an actual bank.

• Bootleg ass Tax Guy says that he has no idea how that number got on my tax return..(yeah right)


• State Dept of Revenue says they ran a tracer..The bank is fully aware that this is NOT my account number but that the bank says "contact the bank" (?)


• Contacted the bank..they say contact Dept of Revenue and my tax preparer (?)


• Everybody needs to suck a fat one

So bottom line, everybody knows where the body is buried but no one can find a fucking shovel for me...oh, and if that isn't bad enough, I find out that Bootleg Ass Tax Guy FORGOT to do my taxes in tax yr 2008...sigh

The reason I didn't notice was that I faxed our info to him in 2009...We received a refund via direct deposit..seemed small but I figured, "oh well, rough tax year".
Seems that my husband's taxes got done but mine, CONTAINED IN THE SAME DAMN FAX, did not get done..he probably let the dog eat them.

Now That's at least ANOTHER $1500 this asshole has fucked up...OH!! and he had the nerve to get sass-mouthed with me on the phone yesterday.."well, y'all can try to get that money (the missing refund)out of me..I aint got it"..umm, huh? This crackhead is just BEGGING me to come over there and burn his damn house down huh?
He claims that he'll get my previous year's tax return done "ASAP"..yeah, right.

So now I've taken to calling people's supervisors and such, and of course, everybody is playing stupid.

The lady at the bank commented on how calm I am about this...It's not calm, it's "beat down and nearly defeated"...

To be continued...

Yeah..Bored..And Sick

After nursing my oh so sick husband back to health..I then got a matching Upper Resiratory Infection because after all, phlegm is sexy.

I've been trapped in my house for a week (god..so damn dramatic).

I've decided to finish this post from my iPhone...let's see if the world ends.

Being in the house this many days has brought me to the realization that I can't take my parents living in my house another god damned minute.

There, I said it.

It sounds mean..but it's true. I'm really getting tired of the excuses as to why they can't move back into their own house (that they pay a motrgage on every month while they shack at other people's houses).
Now, some of the excuses are valid - for instance, someone stole their AC unit...but they bought another one...now they need $350 in order to get it installed and another $400 for a security cage...sigh

But some of the things my stepdad comes up with...grr
one of his personal bests: "we can't leave until we get a new garage door"

yeah...I'll let that lil nugget marinate.....

Is he fucking serious? I had to walk out of the room before I strangled him. And I know this sounds biased, but if it was just my Mom, I'd have no problem with a "house guest"...plus she works nights and we rarely see her.
It's her husband...belching, farting, over-acting, woe is me ass.
He spends all his free time sitting on the bed festering and barking orders at my mom. He's started to take all of his meals in the guest room..you should see the fucking carpet....oh. I forgot yo mention the permanent ass dip impression the mattress has developed thanks to him. My husband says that he'll never be able to lay on that bed again and that if we could just get them out, we'd have one hell of a bonfire.

Gawd..part of me feels like an asshole for wanting them out but the other part is really pissed...they were only supposed to be here for a week LAST THANKSGIVING and they haven't left since...
My co-worker says that they would do the same for me if I needed help...umm they did..and after a couple of months, I GOT OFF MY ASS and found my own apartment!

I've tried to help them come up with an exit strategy but naaawww..I'm hit with a wall of bullshit.

It sucks having to "parent" your parents.

How I Took A Solo Trip...And Did Not Come Back In A Coffin

I HAD to get the fuck out of my house before I ended up on that show "Snapped" - so I decided to go to the beach!

I wanted to go long before now but because of "certain people" in my house, my money was jacked up..for like 10 years....

I picked Ft. Lauderdale because frankly, the flight was cheap.
My co-worker "Sista Don't Play Dat" was able to get me a round trip buddy pass for $98 (WOO!).
I'd had my bags packed 2 weeks early...cuz I obviously needed to get away.

Speaking of flights, since I was on stand-by, I got a LOVELY seating choice (read: SHITTY). Did they really expect my half asleep ass to take on this kind of responsibility??



Notice how it says the door weighs 44 pounds?...yeah, I can barely lift my iPhone off the table on a good day.There was a girl sitting next to me that obviously needed a sedative. She actually grabbed me 2 or three times when there was turbulence..and those who know me KNOW that I don't like to be touched...oh, and this: she was dry heaving at one point......I DON'T "DO" VOMIT!!
Her nervous ass along with the screaming, whining toddlers across the aisle made for the Flight From Hell 2010...sigh, good times.

Please enjoy this lovely photo of my hooves...



Beaches are puuurdy....



Why yes, I did indeed bring alcoholic beverages to the beach..cuz I CAN!!



I spent a pretty good day at the beach overall. I did however notice that people were staring at me a little. At first I thought it was because I was such a fat ass but then I realized that you don't see very many black women sun tanning..yeah, that.

I spent an ok night in the room (The Hyatt Summerfield Suites ROCKS!! It was new, it was clean, it was crackhead free) and woke up to lug my lazy ass to the "complimentary" breakfast buffet...



I put quotes on complimentary because at $100 a fucking night, it SHOULD be free.

I went out to the Hard Rock Casino (aka "Smoker's Paradise"). It was fun..I guess..I won $2.

There's "bar scene" on the casino property. I noticed that you had to be carded by security to enter that area so I got my ID out because I look young (SHUT UP, I DO) ...and they didn't check it...fuckers.

I then contemplated doing some REALLY dumb shit to recapture my lost youth:



But a girl got on and the bull's head fell off...um, no thanks. An old seasoned broad such as myself knew this was a bad omen.

I decided to walk around the casino a little more and happened upon this Wall-O-Meat in front of a steakhouse..weird.



Over the next couple of days I visited a few more beaches some were nice..some were gross and overcrowded - like this one in Miami.

Ok, offended people from Miami, you KNOW I'm right.



I then drove around South Beach for a fucking hour trying to find a parking space, yeah a near impossible feat because of people like this broad:



She had a jewelry store in the back of her SUV..times are hard huh?

I got out and walked around...You wanna feel like an old bag? Try walking 2 blocks down Ocean Drive...Oh and everybody there thinks that there are on The Jersey Shore *gag*.

I put about 250 miles on my sexy 2010 Chrysler 300 RENTAL. (stock photo below..cuz I was obviously too drunk to take a pic of the real one)




I spent a large amount of those miles driving around in circles, screaming at my iPhone because GoogleMaps is a filthy, lying whore....


I got a pretty good deal on it though (yay Last Minute Internet Specials!!) but they wouldn't give me the same rate for an extra day..assholes..and their daily rate was higher than a giraffe's ass so I had to call another place...a "no frills" place..oh hell.

For $15 a day, I got the keys to THIS fine tuned racing machine.....



You are BURRRRNINNNG with envy right now aren't you? Pardon? That's crabs you say? Oh.

Moving on....

The Hyatt Summerfield has a "happy hour" on weekdays with more "free" food and they actually serve REAL wine and beer...oh sweet Jesus thank you.



I treated it like it was my dinner and had seconds..because I'm just ghetto like that.

Speaking of ghetto, please check out my spy photo from the first row of FIRST CLASS...(notice my obnoxious, curly weave at the bottom right)

Yes, on the way home I was able to get a first class seat ON A STANDBY TICKET BITCHES!!! (that was my actual Facebook status update..sigh, no home training)



It took everything in me not to run down the aisles in coach telling the other passengers to kiss my black ass...but I refrained..barely.

Are you aware that they serve your beverages in actual GLASSES in first class?? and - EEEE! *clutch the pearls* - they DON'T throw your snacks at you!! They serve them to you in a beautiful basketttttt!!
Oh and to get you even more moist...when it's time to pick up your snack trash, instead of snatching it and throwing in an overflowing, nasty trash bag, they have a sexy lil tray that you can put it on...lawwwd, hold my mule while I shout!

Can you tell I haven't been anywhere in a while??

Maybe it's just me, but I felt like the other passengers in first class were looking at me like "who's this skank?..she smells like welfare and bad choices"....but I just put on my HUGE fake Chanel sunglasses and looked down my nose at them..fuckers.

I wanted to take a picture of the beach from the airplane...but even though I was in first class, the stewardess looked like she could cut a bitch so this is one I took of the everglades once old girl said it was ok to turn on devices.



sigh..I wanna go back.....

The Bitch Is Back...

and with nothing important to say except...

Why do people make so much fucking noise when they blow their noses??

I PROMISE you that I've been blowing my own nose for years and I have never even once made that obnoxious "honking" noise...wtf??

that is all....

MUTED or..The Internet Is The Debbul

Funny how emotional pain actually hurts you physically.

My privacy was invaded by someone I loved and trusted.

The Internet was my outlet...I could be WHOever I wanted to be and say WHATever I wanted to say...and people would laugh at what I "said" or agree with me on controversial issues, thus, making my real life lonliness and pain sting a little less.

And now it has come back only to bite me square in my ample ass.

The consequences will be far reaching and I don't know if I'll recover from this...yeah, I'm STILL overly dramatic..must be in my genes.

I'm going to take some time away and go shut my fucking Internet mouth, my strong, beautiful, sexy, "Hey Asshole, Go Fuck Yourself" self has been knocked down quite a few pegs.

Oh the irony of my blog's title....

I'm A Cheating Ass Ho

Blogger..sit down hun...we need to talk.

I'm cheating on you...WITH MY NEW FUCKIN iPHONE!!!

He treats me better than you do and frankly..his dick is bigger than yours...so umm..me and him will need to be alone for another week...I'll tire of him soon and be back in your warm arms before you know it...

stop crying, it'll give you wrinkles.

okthnxbai

Toilets and Tampons..You're Shitting Me..RIGHT?

WARNING...POSSIBLE GAG ALERT!!



Anyway, today I'm talking to a co-worker about how nice my new gym is except for the fact that there are signs everywhere in the locker room that state:

PLEASE DO NOT FLUSH ANYTHING EXCEPT PHYSICAL WASTE AND TOILET PAPER - PLEASE DO NOT FLUSH TAMPONS!!

So I say to her: "What JACKASS would flush a tampon down a toilet..how asinine can you get?"......well um, it seems that she is that very jackass....wow, my bad..lol

She told me that her entire life since puberty, she's flushed tampons down the toilet and she frankly thought people who didn't were gross.

This launched a large discussion/debate between all 30 women (and sadly, some very embarrassed men) in the vicinity.

My WHOLE life (god, we're dramatic) it has been an unwritten rule to NEVER flush tampons...then when I was living with my aunt in my 20's, I saw firsthand why...my cousin had been doing this and one day, it LITERALLY blew up in her face..yep, toilet backed up and overflowed..flooded the bathroom and most of the hallway..not sexy.

The plumber found like 20 of them in the drain pipe..*GAG*

So I take it upon myself to poll the crowd..looks like a mostly "NO, don't flush" crowd...but the ones that DO??...good gawd, they're bat-shit crazy.

One lady and I debated (yes, it was a slow work day) about throwing away pads but flushing tampons...I personally think that if you can wrap a sopping ass pad up and trash it, you can do the same with a tampon...she didn't agree..I wanted to yell: "It's THE SAME FUCKING THING!!!"..but of course I didn't, cuz I'm a lady...ok, stop laughing.

Now, here's the question of the week (don't worry, there are no other questions or weeks..whatev.)

DO YOU FLUSH OR TRASH??

You Vapid, Irrelevant, Simple, Probably Drunk From Last Night COW

Remember my heelarious baby commercial post..(the actual commercial is here)?

Well, it seems that Lindsey Lohan is a lil upset about it "depicting her" and she's suing for $100 Million..oh BOO HOO Heffa!!!

She thinks that it was modeled after her and improperly invoked her “likeness, name, characterization, and personality...if I could invent new curse words to fling at you, I would.

Now I'll admit that when I first saw it - I pictured in my mind a baby girl at a playdate..laying across the couch drunk offa milk with empty baby bottles strewn about..HAAAAAAA..my mind is a little imbalanced though.

Look Lindsay..I understand that you came from a fucked up family..most of us did..but don't go getting mad at us for makin light of choices that YOU made..

In the words of my Grandma....

"Get your ass somewhere and sit the fuck down!!"

Sometimes They Let Me Out Of The Asylum For Day Trips

Yesterday my friend who I call "Rest My Nerves" went to a live taping of the Mo'Nique Show.

I call her that because every time I turn around she is saying the phrase "I just wanna get somewhere and rest my damn nerves"..she has a very low tolerance for bullshit and it makes me laugh.

Anyhoooo - We were somehow able to score two free tix to the taping of the show. At first I was like: meh..ok..it'll be fun I guess...

But by the time we pulled into the parking lot..I was kinda hyped and by the time she came out on stage..I was losing my fucking mind..gah, I embarrass myself sometimes.

Ok so first thing that happens after you contact the show, they call you back and give you some info then they send you an email with a final confirmation, directions and a parking pass..Before the email, we expected that this super exclusive parking pass to be something special but when the email came...yeah..not so much...

Yep..we had to print it out our damn selves...on our company's printer of course..so Ritzy.

That's RMN in the parking deck where the security guard barely glanced at our beautiful artwork.

We had to wait in a "holding pen" in the freezing ass parking deck for a little while in order to sigh a release form and get a wristband..a special wristband thankyouverymuch

ok so it looks like we went clubbin..whatev.

As we were standing in the holding pen..I noticed some of the women walking up..*sigh*...my people embarrass me sometimes. I mean these broads were dressed like it was Amateur Night at Porky's Strip Palace.

Now, I KNOW my fat ass was pushin' it with my 3 inch heel ankle boots but these heffas??..wow.

I guesstimate that the lady in front of me was right around 400 pounds and had on 6 inch knockoff Louboutins which probably would have been fine if we didn't have to walk 637 miles to the actual studio.

SUGGESTION to the Mo'Nique Show: SHUTTLE BUS

Yeah, not fun for the bigguns in high heels

Once you get to the studio you are searched for weapons, cell phones, cameras and such. I was kinda pissed that I had to leave my camera in the car..Not because I wanted to capture any precious lifetime memories - I really just wanted to show you the bad outfit choices people make here in the South..I'm a giver like dat

Ok..TV studios are about as toasty the frozen tundra. They should hang a sign up that reads: HARD NIPPLE ALERT AHEAD

We weren't early enough to get seats on the floor in front of the stage but they seated us in the "bleachers" on the second row..yay us

The audience warm up guys Gerard Guillory and Tone X were GREAT. They actually have to tell you WHAT to do and WHEN to do it on top of acting like complete jackasses..tough job..where do I sign up??

Bad thing is though..they get you so fucking worked up that by the time the show starts, you are sweaty and ready for a nap

Since I couldn't take a picture of Mo'Nique, I made my IMVU avatar dress up just like her..remember, I'm a giver..or a dumb ass..whatever

I must say that she looked GOE JUSSS!! Her shoes made me moist..sorry, but they did.

She's lost a lot of weight but she's still "Mo'Nique"..and yes, she really is loud as all hell in person but it was fun.

I caught myself crying like an ass-hat when I saw her..smh..I hope they didn't catch that on camera...those cameramen are a little "aggressive" if you ask me..but you didn't.

She did an interview once where she said that no matter what weight she was - she always felt pretty and that her family raised her to feel good about herself..I love that.

The guests were Angie and Jesse (Debi Morgan and Darnell Williams) from All My Children..*sigh*..love them

Tevin Campbell was also there..*sigh*..still love him too. Weird thing - he was nervous when he walked on stage. I guess I figured that someone who's been in the business as long as he has would be cool with that..guess not.

I wanted to stay and hump on her leg but it seemed kinda strange to just hang out like a stalker...but I seriously plan on making that my weekly outing on my days off

Kinda like a stalker huh?

The Internet Is Bad For You..

Because I know that you were just MOIST with anticipation...Here's an IMVU update.

I recently attended a Trailer Trash Bash..because as a classy ass broad, I am invited to only the most exclusive events ya know?

Here's me and a friend, chillin' on the "veranda"



What?..My lil Trick Baybee's gotta eat!!



Ahh..the miracle of birth...this is Lerleane's 12th child..(this year)



Betty - quenchin her Meth-thirst



and as per usual..a fight broke out

Notice how lil Trick Baybee just hangs on me hands free..he's talented like dat.

And now for the talent portion of our program...

Some quiet time with lil Quantalavius O'Shaunessy... His daddy "might" have been an Irish truck driver..I think...and yes, those are PBR can curlers in my weave..recycling is important ya know.

mm hmm..we are the hottest bitches in the trailer court!! I'm sure you're wondering why Betty Rae is all bruised up..she , umm, fell in the tub..yeah, that.

I'm sure that I've offended anyone who has ever lived in a trailer..my work here is DONE!!!...*taking a bow*

Milko..What??

HAAAAA..talking babies are heeelarious..or really stupid..whatever



..and Lindsey??..THE BEST PART

Babies Are Yummy

So remember I said that I wanna steal an Asian baby?

This one would be my first acquisition:

eat @ Yahoo! Video

http://video.yahoo.com/watch/4546511/12175400

and my second: (His anger makes me giggle..cuz I'm mean and in need of therapy)

eat @ Yahoo! Video

http://video.yahoo.com/watch/5317430/14019354

Asian Dudes are HAWT!!

OK, so for the past couple of years I've had this inappropriate fascination with hot Asian guys.

Could it be that I've never actually dated one?

I mean, let's be honest - on a normal day, my cooch could be mistaken for the front lobby of United Nations Headquarters..I've had 'em all thankyouverymuch.

I'm sure that the informers who run and tell my husband every damn thing they see on here are just moist with anticipation right now.

I was goofing off (as usual) at work on the Internet and I came across a photographer named Norm Yip and he is my hero..he has a book called The Asian Male..*sigh*..so yummy.

But of course, me being stupid as all shit..I decided to go to icanhazcheezburger.com where you can BUILD YOUR OWN "LOLZ"...I promise you, it's the best thing since maxi pads for big girls (or at least ones with big ole asses).

Anywhooo, here's the product of my boredom and stupidity:








OK..I know..call somebody to come pick my crazy ass up..but you gotta admit that they ARE kinda fine....

Oh, did I mention that I also try to steal cute lil Asian babies at least once a week??

What?..they're just so damn cuuuuute!!

Keith Olbermann Is The MuthaFukkin' Man!!

Ok so..I try not to get into the whole "politics/religion" thing..because people are haters here in the Bible Belt South...but Keith always says what I'm thinking and am too afraid to say out loud:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-PEaWUduCM

and just in case that one has been removed...(sorry, I'm at work and YouTube is blocked here)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1HO1bdMnwQ

Yeah..Not Really In The Mood For Bullshit This Year

Life Update:

It still sucks ass

Yay for updates!!

I have mind alteringly painful cramps today so I'm just a ball of fucking sunshine.

There's an ice storm going on right now..and my employers fully expect US to show up..but they can "work from home"..fuckers

What else...hmm..lemme see

Belly's sister wore a celadon green sweat suit to work Friday..she looks like a 400 pound lima bean..or better yet..Roz fom Mon.sters Inc:




Woo..I slay me

Oh, and my parents are STILL in my guest room...sigh
I promise, if it was just my Mom staying there it would be cool because she's very quiet and unobtrusive...but my damn Step Dad is - in a word - GROSS.
It took everything in me not to vomit all over the keyboard thinking of how he just sits on my guest bed belching, breathing heavy, moaning from "so called" body aches, grunting and blowing his nose..

All. Fuckin'. Day.

Small things get to me..I guess it's an OCD thing.
Every time I go in there to use the computer..he's in there..just festering
So I try to ignore him, I even turn my headphones up to "level 11"..AND I CAN STILL HEAR HIM!!

edited to add: For fuck's sake..he's taken to eating ALL of his meals in my guest room now..he rarely leaves said room..great, I guess I can look forward to squatters AND roaches.

Oh and this: He hums when he eats.. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??

I just want some time to my damn self to play IMVU, goof off on Facebook and hell, even look at some funny porn movie outtakes!!

umm..huh?...just act like you didn't see that last part

Anyway...

I really want to lose weight this year...yeah, I say that EVERY year but this time I mean it...shut up..I'm serious...ok if you're gonna laugh that loud, at least take it outside.

I've decided to call this little initiative:
"One Piece (with a sarong) Fine" By Summer Time
(because "Bikini Fine" is just asking for too much right now.)

I went to the gym today and walked a mile on the treadmill. Both, for the first time in months..sigh..my ass felt like it was on fire for the first few minutes but somehow I survived. Plus, it gave me a place to go that ISN'T the cluster-fuck of my house or work.

Hmm..maybe having squatters will be a great way to lose weight..MAYBE