The Baby Is Scared Of Inflatable Shit...

Look how cute he is....loooook!

But according to mah sweet lil baybee he is a bastard from hell...and he must die.

It all started on the day before her 1st birthday party. I had BIG PLANS for the only two other "babies" that she technically knew. (She's not in daycare).

We were going to have "pool time" at my condo's lil raggedy pool after cake and ice cream and shit...

So I went out to Target and spent GOOD MONEY on all these inflatable things because according to the packages - they were fun and shit.

I sat on the floor and started to blow everything up and lil baybee immediately started to shit herself with fear..weird..I thought maybe it was the sound the air was making when I blew into them...I dunno, she could barely look at them and was clawing at my neck..WTF?

I stacked alll that expensive shit up in the corner and prayed it was just a phase.

She's kinda strange that way though..she once freaked out over some slippers that I had on..sigh, hey, I hit the jackpot and got a weird baby.

Anyway, her party came and went and the pool idea went to shit..cut to yesterday.

It was Down South Slavery hot here so we got our cute bathing gear together and went to the pool..yay, we were alone..no screaming ass banshee kids from across the street...yay.

She eyeballed the turtle like "keep it movin' fucker"...and I sat her down in it...

{Insert award-winning baby freak-out here}

I took her out and we floated around for a while..she kept throwing eye-daggers at him as he made his way to the deep end..poor turtle.

We tried again and she tried to black my eye..seriously, she was pissed..whoa, ok lady.

None of this stopped me from posting her "crying in the pool" video on Facebook for all my friends and family to mock and discuss..

cuz i'm izz a gud momma.

Watch What You Say On Your Blog..Yeah Right, WHATEVS

I was puttering around on my rarely used Etsy shop today and noticed that I had a message...I figured it was some blah blah blah from Etsy about "welcome to our crunchy hippie site" but it was actually an email from a reality TV "star".

Huh, wha?

Apparently, SIX FUCKING YEARS AGO, I posted a blog about a really obscure reality show called T.reasure H.unters. In that post I intimated that I would whoop someone's ass if I caught her in a dark alley...all because she was mean to her seemingly sweet Dad..and she was acting like an award winning bratass, so like I "do", I voiced my opinion in written form.

Problem was, I used her entire name and she was "embarrassed by what is posted about her on the web". She wrote: "I'm just now trying to clean up what comes up when you google search my name"
She went as far as contacting Google who then told her to try contacting ME..thanks Google..fuckers.

At first, I had an "oh shit" moment - like..oh noes, lawsuit? blog deletion?

And then....the super duper asshole in me came out and I thought:

So you're embarrassed huh? How about.... DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE ON NATIONAL TV???? Obviously, your behavior follows you on the innerwebbins forever.
Is she going to send out an email plea to every damn body??

grrr..the nerve of her..makes my teeth itch.

I SO wish I could direct you to the actual links of what OTHER people have said about her..my comments are tame in comparison.

I deleted her actual name (cuz I'm too tired for bullshit this morning) - but the comment (and the feeling behind it) stands.

Confession Monday - Being A Whore At Work

*le sigh*

There's a temp that sits across from me at work whose voice makes me want to hump his leg...

There, I "said" it.

Seriously, you should hear it..it's da yumz.

The way that our cubicles are positioned, I can't actually see him because my monitor is in the way, but I can hear him on the phone all day..talkin' all sexaaay and shit...and he's not even trying to be sexy..it just "be's like that".

Looks-wise, he's ok I guess..he has those sleepy bedroom eyes that make you wanna lay across his desk and luxuriate during lunch..but that would be blatantly whoreish...I'm more of an undercover whore thankyouverymuch.

Oh..and his laugh??!!??...an easygoing, heh heh heh..

I've got one word for you...MOIST

And no, I have not told my husband about this new work crush..the last time I told him about this lil young kid at my old part time job who was asking me out, he said:

Hmm..maybe you should go out with him..then you could manipulate him out of his paycheck every week..cuz we have bills...

Yeah..true story..he swears he was kidding.

Black Thursday and Friday..All Late And Shit

And that was just my WalMart cart...

I promise, this was not all for MY baby..but I was tempted.

I have several excuses for why I am just getting around to posting this:

1. I'm lazy as shit
2. My husband's parents don't have internet (*gasp*, clutch the pearls)
3. The town they live in allows me about an 1/8th of a bar cell reception
4. Fuck AT&T and my slow ass iPhone
5. When you have kids, shit just slips your mind
6. I am still slightly traumatized by the whole weekend

There was one point, while I was laying across a pallet of pink baby laptops waiting for 10:00pm Thursday) to strike, that I thought to myself: "Bitch..you are pure fucking cray cray, go back to the house and get some sleep"..but then I imagined just how fucking cute my lil baybeeeeee would look using a pink baby laptop and I prepared for battle.

15 minutes earlier, some shit jumped off over some cheap ass, fake leather ottomans..seriously.

Luckily, I'd made a "friend" while laying across the pallet of cute V-tech baby shit and we devised a plan to use another "friend's" shopping cart to store all of our loot.
She was one buddy down because apparently, it is bad form to threaten a WalMart employee with the phrase "I hope somebody pushes your fat bitch ass down"...in that small town, it makes the police come to your pallet and escort you out of the store..in handcuffs.

Small town WalMart etiquette..so confusing.

Anywayzzz, 10pm came and people went crazy..but I got my pink baby laptop and I'm still alive. I left the pink baby rocking horse thingie in the men's underwear aisle because after standing in line with it for a while, it was giving me the hairy eyeball and was freaking me out..maybe next year.
Oh, and THIS..could ya just diiiiie??!!?? Maybe she will become Queen of Da Piano like Lady Gaga and take care of me in my old age..or she could just make a whole lot of noise and shame the family name..whatever, it's cute.

Edited to add: I ALSO got up on Friday at 3am like a dumb ass and went shopping in a different small town..but I'm too tired to write about it right now.

And the moral of this story is...

WE ATE A DAMN FINE FRIED TURKEY

(I was never good at that whole "moral of the story" shit..and I'm sleepy..and the baby making poop noises and it sounds like a blow-out.)

My Husband Does Dumb Shit...But He's Cute And His Sperm Works

A couple of nights ago, he'd been out on the front porch relaxing and having a beer (possibly two..who freaking knows).

Later on, I watched him go into the bedroom with a bag of Flipz White Chocolate Pretzels (only a DOLLAR at Kroger! SCORE!!) and a handful of Reese's Cups.
He doesn't eat sweets very much but when he does, he goes BIG.

Cut to an hour later....

The lights are off and the TV is on in the bedroom.
I sat on the bed, all ready to watch Sons Of Anarchy on my favorite seemingly illegal website, when all of a sudden, I hear some award winning snoring coming from his side of the bed..so I look...and I notice a white blob on his cheek...'the hell?

A closer look reveals that this jackass has fallen into some sort of sugar coma with a trail of pretzels up his arm, on his face and chest (and all over my favorite sheets) in different stages of meltage...oh and did I mention that there were candy wrappers all over MY pillows??!!
I swear to God, I was SO pissed, I was simultaneously screaming at him and looking for something to stab him with.

And OF COURSE I was "overreacting"....

Me: GET UP DAMMIT!!
Him: Why are you yelling and shit..it's not like there's chocolate everywhere...
Me: Are you serious right now??

I could tell that he was still asleep..he has a habit of having FULL conversations in his sleep..again, 'The Hell??

Me: WAKE THE FUCK UP AND CLEAN THIS SHIT UP!!!
Him: Daaaaaamn lady!! Why are you trippin'..it's just a pretzel or two..go to bed..leave me alone...zzzzzz

I finally got him to wake up and man, was he pissed..he stomped off to the bathroom, pretzels still stuck to him, mumbling shit..then it got silent...he must have seen himself in the mirror...I heard the water running...he got back into bed and whispered some shit about "Good night", and I didn't hear a peep out of his ass for the rest of the night.

Score ONE for me and my righteous indignation..because yes, I keep a mental score of "marriage wins"..because I am mean.

I swear, if he wasn't the father of my child....

Speaking of that child..at 5 months old, she already knows how to manipulate my emotions.
She has learned how to pout and can also smile reaaaal cute when she wants something....how is that freaking possible??

I spent $40 and a fucking hour putting together THIS DAMN THING



The first time she sat in it, she just sat in it..Absolutely petrified.
I spun her around and made all the toys move and she JUST. SAT. THERE.
I figured that maybe it was a little too advanced for a 4 month old...literally too many "bells and whistles".
The next few times went a little better..but not much.
Lately she sits in it and screams bloody murder after a minute or two....so yeah, that was a great, useful purchase.

According to my iPhone and digital camera, I have taken approximately 600 pictures of her and spent at least $300 on clothes for her.

And I am only slightly ashamed of myself.

Tits?..Meh, Not So Much

It seems that my boobs are The Debbul...

The baby is on a breastfeeding strike. She breastfed for like a month and now she HATES it.

It's probably because my milk supply is bullshit at best..sorry lil baby. I try to get her to feed every other day but she just looks at my tit like it owes her money and turns away...

She actually punched me in the nip once...

But the last few times she stuck her tongue out, tasted the milk a little (as if she was testing the vintage) then screamed bloody murder until I got her a bottle of formula to nosh on.

Maybe my milk is sour....God knows I'm not going to taste it for myself...that is just crazy balls.

It hurt my "perty lil feelers" for a while thinking she didn't like ME anymore but I was going through post-partum depression and I was SUPER crazy balls anyways so that passed.

And as if that wasn't TMI enough...my period started up again today...because as you may or may not know - breastfeeding makes the hemorrhaging vajazzlin go away.

damn it all to hell...

P.S....I had NO idea hemorrhaging was spelled that way..1.5 years of The Art Institute really paid off huh?

I Think My Pee Hole Is Broken

Yeah..I said it.

When I was in the hospital having the baby, I had to get a catheter because..I dunno why, anywhoo, ever since then, my pee stream is different...just an FYI from a dumb ass.

On another note, the baby is two months old and is a rock star..that doesn't feel that it is necessary to sleep at night...I am one sleepy bitch, especially since I went back to work this week (booooooo work).
My first day back, I basically fucked around and made it look like I was working but I was mostly trying not to break down in big weepy tears because I missed the baby..I don't cry as much as I used to but...still.

Seemingly, "There is no crying in baseball" in my husband's world when it comes to me. He gave me a "pass" when I was pregs and a little while after but now he's giving me the "oh here we go again" look when he sees me getting misty...it kind of makes me laugh though...him being all uncomfortable with this girly stuff. Especially since I GAVE BIRTH TO A GIRL-CHILD!!!!

I seriously needed a sedative today when she got her immunization shots..oh emmm fuckin gee that was an ordeal.I NEVER want to hear my child scream like that again.
I would have cried but my husband the Tear Nazi was there and proclaimed that only one female could cry in his presence today...whatever, jackass...ha

I have to go now....the baby has sensed that I am doing something OTHER than eyeballing and/or feeding her.

A Month And Two Days Later...

Sigh...this shit is hard.

I'm pretty sure I have the "baby blues" because I'm crying more than an old lady in church and EVERYthing freaks me the fuck out.

The baby had her one month check up and the doc thinks she's slightly under-weight so I've been instructed to feed the hell out of her....but I'm sleeeeeepy dammit!

She has her days and nights mixed up and likes to keep us up all night...sigh
I promise you, she can sense the EXACT moment that I am about to fall asleep and she chooses that time to scream bloody murder...and as soon as I jump up to see about her, she smiles or goes right back to sleep...manipulating me already...yay

Oh Yeah, THAT Happened....

Wow..my blog..forgot all about this thing...ha

So, how was your Memorial weekend? Good? Hmm? How was mine you say?

Oh, I just HAD A FREAKING BABY A WHOLE DAMN MONTH EARLY!!!

Yeah, you read that right...the baby came early because I'm old and sick and shit.

What do they call these things...birth stories?...well, here's mine..rambling text and all: (sorry)


n damn business going to my regular doctor's visit with the perinatologist (old lady baby specialist) and he comes in the room after testing my high ass blood pressure for the 3rd time and says: "Um, I checked you into the hospital, that baby needs to come out today"...um, como se what the fuck?
He then proceeded to tell me that if I didn't drive there NOW that he would call an ambulance...jeez man, ok.
I remember calling everybody in a blind crying panic and somehow made my way to the REALLY NICE baby factory hospital they have here in town because the doc said so. I had already pre-registered at a different hospital but the doc said he'd rather I go to "baby central"...ok, whatev.
So I get checked in, moved to a room and now they want pee samples and stuff..let's just say, my pee somehow ended up on the floor..what? I was nervous!
The rest of that day consisted of my husband and family sitting around staring at me, getting poked with needles and oh, yeah, people checking my cervix...all of which I do NOT reccomend when you are scared as shit.
Oh, then some big, gorilla handed broad came in and inserted something called cervidil(http://www.drugs.com/pro/cervidil.html) but at some point my fabulous cooch pushed it out..so much for that.

Friday May 27th:
All night the night before, nurses checked my blood sugar and blood pressure every fucking hour..yay
This day was sort of a blur...I remember being moved to a different room and more friends and family came to see me...not sure though because they had me on some good dope for pain..I guess I was having contractions..I dunno.
Numerous doctors came in and eyeballed me - commenting about my "way too high" BP and kept ordering more Petocin (fucking links won't imbed..sorry).
At some point the doc comes in and says "we're gonna just turn all of this off for the night and try again in the morning"..yay? Whatever, can I eat something now?
Later that night, I was sitting in bed and felt a little "leaking"...see, I still had TWO IV towers attached to me so going pee was a fucking ordeal...as I was having my husband help me get "unplugged", the leaking got worse.."great, I'm pissing myself", I thought out loud.
But the pissing was nonstop...and my dumb ass had no idea that my water was breaking..because well, I'm dumb and 38 and never had a baby before.
The nurse comes in after my frantic button pushing and incoherent yelling about pee...she had this "duh, heffa" look on her face but was nice about explaining what happened..bless her.
They let me sleep..sort of..for the rest of the night then Saturday came..more blur.

Saturday, May 28th:
I was having contractions but they were kind of like mild cramps..no big deal.
Then they decided to become a big deal and hell yeah, I asked for an epidural..I'm pissed that I had to ask more than once though...bastards.
The anesthesiologist came breezing in talking on her cell phone like she was about to make a damn sandwich and gave me all these instructions about bending and breathing and not flinching...um, huh?
As per usual I flinched..because damn it, that epidural shit is PURE CRAZY BALLS..but I made it out uparalyzed and let me say this..DRUGS ARE GOOD..sometimes.
I realize now that I didn't "labor" for very long..I am a chicken, sue me.
After checking the fetal monitor for a few minutes, the doctor (who looked to be about 15 years old) leaned over and said that the baby wasn't "bouncing back" from each contraction like she should be and that they needed to "get her out of there"....WHAT????

{Insert my screaming and panic and then some shuffling of family members to the hallway here}

My husband was somewhere between the cafeteria and the room and there were nurses running down halls looking for him.
When they found him, he was saying something about a $15 salad..huh? I dunno...
A nurse shaved my lady bits and it was time to head to the O.R.
For some stupid reason, I'm kinda scared that the gurney is going to hit the wall in the hallway (?) but I'm more worried about not being able to feel my legs anymore..weird shit.
The O.R. is freezing..and all I can keep saying to my husband is TAKE PICTURES OF THE BABY BUT DON'T LOOK AT THE BLOOD AND GUTS..being high on hospital dope makes you look like a dumb ass, I swear.
He, of course, did not listen and is leaning all over the other side of the drape, telling me what everything looks like..because he is a man, and doesn't listen very well.
Honestly, I kept telling myself not to close my eyes because my mind had convinced me that if I did, I would never open them again and that I would die before I saw the baby...what kind of crazy shit is that?
I heard her cry and my husband and everybody in the room cheered..I was SO scared and relieved and cold and high and happy and crying...
But I still had not seen the baby..it's strange hearing your parts getting put back in but not being able to feel anything...still...and that staplegun thing...WHOA!
Finally, I was all closed up and they moved me to the recovery room..the first time I saw the baby..I know I sound like a mushy jackass..but seriously, she was perfect..and after they cleaned her up, they put her on my chest..and I balled SO hard...she was looking right at me and she knew who I was and it caught me off guard..I wept like an old lady in church.

6lbs 3oz - 20 inches long!!

My husband, bless his heart, took a LOT of pictures..sigh, I heart him.

I stayed in the hospital 3 more days and got poked and prodded some more.
I have to say that hurses are the shit!!
They do a mostly thankless job and the ones at the hospital where I was were the BEST.

Everything is still a blur. That first night home was CRAZY and I cried the whole time...because I am a cheeseball and getting up every 3 hours is not as fun as it sounds.
Our friends came by and helped us...sigh, I heart them too.

Oh..I forgot, I had to be readmitted to the hospital because I guess MY body was not ready to go home yet..We were at the baby's 1st doctor's visit and I nearly fainted from what they said was "dehydration and high BP".
sigh..3 more days in the hospital which meant I was away from the baby at night which made me cry even more..jeez, there is lots of crying in this whole pregnancy thing huh?

My husband is a fuckin' trooper though. He figured out how to keep both him and the baby alive while I was gone and even set his own "routine". Amazing for a first time dad.
He is truly one of my favortie people right now..besides the baby..and she is a ROCK STAR thankyouverymuch...despite being born early, she passed ALL of her tests and the doctors say she is doing great..almost like she was SUPPOSED to be born early..absolutely NO problems...

Nature..go figure.

I Think I Broke My Tits

(I would have inserted a pic of big, black boobs here but all I could find was bad porn shots)

Jugs..Hooters..Bazooms..Cans

I ALWAYS had big, pretty, fabulous boobs (cleavage anyone?)...then I went and got knocked up at the age of 38 and now BOOM, they're mere shadows of their former selves.

t started when I was at around 4 months pregnant. I bought some new bras in anticipation of having huge "milk boobs" but I also got a couple of "right now"minimizer-type bras..what? They were on sale dammit.

Anywhoooo I wore those minimizer bras for a while and I started to notice that my tits were actually getting smaller..huh?

Granted, I lost weight during my pregnancy but I've been smaller than I am now and I STILL had Double D's. Now I'm more like a C cup (boooo C cups)...wtf is going on?

Now you know I Googled it and only found weirdness about breastfeeding and BIG boobs..sigh, I'm 8 months pregs now and they still seem small.

At first, my husband tried to make me feel better by saying maybe it was an "optical illusion" due to the fact that my stomach was sticking out a little further now..then he did some "feel tests" (damn pervert) and he determined that yes, they were indeed smaller.

I'm hoping it's like a tsunami where the shoreline receeds before all hell breaks loose...here's hoping.

Pissy

I'm starting to think that pregnancy is all about piss...

EVERY time I go to the OB/GYN, I have to piss in a cup..every. damn. time..it's stupid but I guess it's necessary..or something

Last week, the doctor claimed to need a big ole jug of my piss for testing purposes. The thought of this made me dry heave..but he IS a doctor after all.
I went to the lab and was handed a lovely BRIGHT ORANGE piss jug in a way too small BRIGHT BLUE plastic bag...oh, so subtle.
I took it home and sat on the toilet trying to figure out just how the fuck I was supposed to maneuver:
1) All this ass
2) That big ole jug
3) A bathroom the size of a phone booth

Because I've been to WAY too many High School parties, a red plastic cup came to mind..still..big ass, small bathroom..potential disaster...or pissaster..(ok, I'll understand if you slap the taste out of my mouth over that one.)
Anywhooo, for a full 24 hours, I pissed into a cup, gagged, poured piss into a big cup, gagged again, screamed and cried while I rinsed the cup out with shower gel, bleach and scalding hot bathtub water and oh..get this..it HAD TO STAY IN THE REFRIGERATOR!! All nice and chilled like a summer time beverage.

*faint*

I had that thing bagged up like a dead body the whole time..It kept me up that night wondering if it had a leak in it...I swear, if it did, I would have bought a whole new refrigerator for that place..and we rent!
I tried to be invisible as possible while standing in line at the lab the next day..but noooo..the broad at the desk took one look at me and my "special little bag" and commenced to slapping on a bright blue latex glove...bitch..what is it with Kaiser Healthcare and these bright ass colors??

Then, if that wasn't bad enough, I went to the Perinatologist (because I'm old-like and have health issues) and they required yet another piss sample..but THIS place didn't have all kinds of cute little ledges for you to place your piss covered, itty bitty cup on...they didn't even have the little trap door thingie..(ugh, ghetto?)
So there I was, teetering over the toilet in this weird , badly lit bathroom, the nurse patiently waiting outside for me to hurry the fuck up, quads burning because I'm a lazy ass, trying to hold my pants and panties out of the piss stream with one hand, too small cup in the other,holding my shirt and sweater under my chin, head swirling from being at that weird angle for that long..and it happened..I dribbled a little on the back of my pants and panties...*gag* GOD DAMN IT ALL!!!
I teetered the cup on the slick ass sink edge - praying that it wouldn't slide off and splash all over the fucking floor..because really, that would have killed me...
I tried to blot my clothes...then I took to using the hand soap and hard ass paper towels..shiiiiit damnitttttt fuckinnn helll.
The nurse was all "Are you ok?"..and because I'm a wonderful actress, I said "Oh, just FIIIINE!".
I'm convinced that I smelled like a Skid Row wino for the rest of the exam...

*sigh*

And because the universe likes to kick me in the face, I found out today that they ran the wrong test on my first jug of piss and now they need ANOTHER one...

I'm almost afraid to ask "what next?"..because with my luck, it will probably be a stool sample....

Somebody's Home...Still

Thanksgiving..we spent it in the backwoods with the in-laws...I have never laughed so hard in my life. They are some of my favorite people on this earth..weird huh?

We finally told them about the baby {insert screaming, hollering and crying here}

I was able to get about a speck of signal strength 2 out of the 4 days we were there..sigh

What else happened..ummm..hmm

Oh..yeah, I went to my official "First OB Appointment"..it's been a month in the making - damn you bleeding uterus - We heard the heartbeat (cute!!) and Lil Peanut did a dance for us (showoff - OBVIOUSLY my child)

The nurse/midwife says that everything looks good in there and I guess I believe her. My blood pressure is being an asshole so they are making me double up on my meds - Oh Joy.
For some reason, they found it necessary to take FOURTEEN vials of blood from me!! - huh? By the time I got home I felt like somebody had kicked my ass all over town..and I was FREEZING. Remind me to never do that again.

Here's a pic of the spawn..and I only say that because, at certain angles, he/she looks like he/she has horns...no really, LOOK!

Wow..This Thing Is Still Live?

Yeah yeah..imma get to it

I've been sleepy and stuff...

I promise to have something stupid to post shortly...

Shit I Don't Need...

I went to the mall yesterday to return THE CUTEST STEVE MADDEN FLATS EVER....EVER AND THEY WERE THE LAAAASSSST PAIR!!!, because they made me feel guilty with their $29 (on clearance) price tag and they'd probably never EVER get worn...and I needed gas money. SIGH

Across from the shoe store, there was this super huge mega mart underwear clearance center..cuz big ass purple satin draws need a place to die, I suppose.

I had nothing better to do so I went in and noticed these bras with "modesty petals" in them....wow, really?

I promise you, I can count on two fingers the times that my nips have gotten hard in the cold in my 37 years of life...really.

Maybe my nips are defective or something....and gawd, these bras were like 3 inches of push up foam too. What the hell kind of nips could possibly bust through these things??

But why is that I'm almost jealous of these "intrusive nip" people?

Probably because I just wanna buy something...yeah, that.

The Internet Is Bad For You..

Because I know that you were just MOIST with anticipation...Here's an IMVU update.

I recently attended a Trailer Trash Bash..because as a classy ass broad, I am invited to only the most exclusive events ya know?

Here's me and a friend, chillin' on the "veranda"



What?..My lil Trick Baybee's gotta eat!!



Ahh..the miracle of birth...this is Lerleane's 12th child..(this year)



Betty - quenchin her Meth-thirst



and as per usual..a fight broke out

Notice how lil Trick Baybee just hangs on me hands free..he's talented like dat.

And now for the talent portion of our program...

Some quiet time with lil Quantalavius O'Shaunessy... His daddy "might" have been an Irish truck driver..I think...and yes, those are PBR can curlers in my weave..recycling is important ya know.

mm hmm..we are the hottest bitches in the trailer court!! I'm sure you're wondering why Betty Rae is all bruised up..she , umm, fell in the tub..yeah, that.

I'm sure that I've offended anyone who has ever lived in a trailer..my work here is DONE!!!...*taking a bow*

Asian Dudes are HAWT!!

OK, so for the past couple of years I've had this inappropriate fascination with hot Asian guys.

Could it be that I've never actually dated one?

I mean, let's be honest - on a normal day, my cooch could be mistaken for the front lobby of United Nations Headquarters..I've had 'em all thankyouverymuch.

I'm sure that the informers who run and tell my husband every damn thing they see on here are just moist with anticipation right now.

I was goofing off (as usual) at work on the Internet and I came across a photographer named Norm Yip and he is my hero..he has a book called The Asian Male..*sigh*..so yummy.

But of course, me being stupid as all shit..I decided to go to icanhazcheezburger.com where you can BUILD YOUR OWN "LOLZ"...I promise you, it's the best thing since maxi pads for big girls (or at least ones with big ole asses).

Anywhooo, here's the product of my boredom and stupidity:








OK..I know..call somebody to come pick my crazy ass up..but you gotta admit that they ARE kinda fine....

Oh, did I mention that I also try to steal cute lil Asian babies at least once a week??

What?..they're just so damn cuuuuute!!

For The Thick Chicks...

Damn..I Need A Camera Phone

ok..this is now my FAVORITE DAMN WEBSITE!!!

peopleofwalmart.com

I live in the South..and believe me, people here make QUITE an impression...HA

I Always Feel Like Somebody Is Watchin' Meeeee

Good lord, when was my last post??

Shaddup, I've been busy fending off a Belly doppelganger.

Yes...there's a new guy...and strangely he looks like a caucasian version of Belly..and he stares at my juggs...and I hate him already.

He's only actually spoken to me once..and my skin crawled afterwards...His pod mate is my buddy who I call "Paul Wall" the most ghetto white boy I have ever met..and when I go over there to get my "hood fix", Ole Beady Eyes is always there..justa lookin.

and he's a Mouth-Breather..how sexy.
Even sexier, his stomach is so big he has to lean almost all the way back in his chair.

I seem to be fascinated with people's stomachs lately..I'm like a child that can't stop staring.
I know it's mean...but I just can't help it. Belly's sister's is one of my favorites to look at. It hangs all the way down by her knees and she sorta has to propel it forward when she walks.

It's almost like it speaks to me in a pre-historic nomadic language that the two of us can understand.

Stomach: Bleety Buu Hee Owww *tongue click* Mehee Calala
Me: Mmm Hmmm, every day and twice on Wednesdays

I think it's mostly skin from when she had an "alleged" gastric bypass some years ago...but a fellow hateful co-worker disagrees and says "aww hell naww, that's fat"...(this is the same person that said she needed a "do-over" on her gastric bypass...and I laughed for 2 hours after he said that - I felt bad - but I still laughed).

I sometimes wonder if she has to put baby powder under it like I have to do with my big ole Double D's in the summer time.....

This blog is a cry for help isn't it?

Yay Halloween??

*sigh*

Happy almost Halloween....

As usual, I am the only person dressed up...because "Halloween is the Devil" according to the "Amen Corner".

Whatever...

I'm Coffy/Foxy Brown today...but I've renamed myself Koffee Keylala Brown..cuz I'm bored.

If I weren't trying to keep my hateful ass anonymous, I'd show you some pictures...

Whatever... Eat some damn cupcakes.... gone horribly wrong