Monday..You Can Just Go To Hell

You'd think I would go to bed at a decent hour on Sunday night..nope, not me, I LIKE staying up till 1am..watching TLC.

So I'm tired today..with the customary "Monday Attitude".

Belly sulked all morning, I barely got a "good morning" out of him..stupid ass
He perked up later on in the morning..unfortunately..Super Giggle on level 11 talking about Mork and Mindy..doing the stupid "Nanu Nanu" line for 5 full minutes..wayyyy past the "mildly funny" mark.
His infamous Snot Whistle is making my left eye twitch. He was looming over my wall today during his lunch..I ignored his ass and acted like I was REALLY engrossed in my book.
I swear, I'm waiting for the day that a snot remnant finds it way onto my desk..I'll punch him dead in his throat..

I went to a meeting on Sunday at my part-time job, what a waste of gas. They fed us candy, chips and cookies like we were 6 and then gave us hot soda...can a bitch get some ice????..and a damn napkin??
One of my young co-workers was high as a kite the entire time. I should have known by the way he ate SEVEN bags of chips and TEN cookies!!

I've never been high so I wouldn't know...no really, I have NEVER been high on drugs...drinking?? Well, that's another story

I Wish....

Me and my co-workers compiled an "I wish" list today.
It kind of relates to my "What If I Had Super Powers" post..here's what our slack-asses came up with:

I wish it was OK to brandish a firearm in traffic - It would clear up a lot of foolishness

I wish that I didn't HAVE to work..again..ever

I wish I could go Deaf..selectively, so I wouldn't have hear certain shit or people

I wish the manager at Subway would stop playing "slap and tickle" with the bitch behind the counter and make my fucking sandwich...vent much??

I wish I had a flat stomach and a really big ass like that girl on Flavor of Love (I confess, that was mine)

I wish I wasn't a compulsive spender

I wish I was on a dance team in a HBCU marching band, I'll need to request extra fabric

Speaking of "extra fabric", I wish Belly would buy shirts that fit. But when you have 4,000 children, I guess money, like your shirt, is tight

Anywhoo..back to the list

I wish other people could pee FOR you

I wish you could gain and lose weight at will

I wish I lived in a nice house..in a nice neighborhood..for free

I wish people would actually GO when the light turned green

I wish the soldiers could come home..alive..forever

I wish....

TO BE CONTINUED

Really, Just Shut The Hell Up

Earlier in the week, we had a meeting activity that involved anonymously circling words that best describe your co-workers and handing it in. Sort of a Myers-Briggs type test.
Some of us wanted to "pencil in" a couple of words for certain people but thought better of it.

We were all handed an envelope filled with the sheets of paper from others with the words THEY thought best described us.
When I got mine back, it had the words GOSSIPER, NEGATIVE and MEAN circled. *GASP*, Clutch the Pearls!!! (there was some positive words circled but who really cares about those?)

I laughed, 'cuz it's true. I then compared notes with my co-worker and she had the same shit circled for her..her name in the same 3 year old, chicken-scratch handwriting as my paper.

After the meeting, me and her joked about it, saying things like "I'd like to tell you a story(really loud) BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A GOSSIP!!" or "I DON'T MEAN TO BE MEAN BUT...."

cackling and tee heeing the whole time.

A little later in the afternoon, "low-self esteem" Belly pipes up and says: " I really hate tests like that, I always worry that I may have been "too honest" or said something mean."
Because I'm his honorary Life Coach, I tell him to calm down and get over himself in so many words.

I continued on with my boring day - noticing he was a little quite but didn't really give a shit.

I was off work the day after that tending to The Other Half because he had oral surgery. He got all mad because I ate fried chicken and a scrumptious broccoli dish in front of him...Men are such babies.

Anywhoooo, when I got to work this morning, the co-worker I mentioned above said that the day before, she noticed that Belly was not his usual loud giggling self. She seems to care more than I do so she asked him what was wrong....HE CONFESSED that he circled the words for both of us and was feeling all bad about it. She told him (damn I love her) that she could "give less than a shit" what people said about her because they don't pay her "fucking bills".
She said he sat there the rest of the day all balled up and quiet.

hahahahahahahaha.....mwahhahahahahaha. I'm sorry I missed it...watch him be all weird on Monday and feel the need to "confess" to me. I will try to say the same exact thing she did.

Damn, How'd Ya Get That Way?

Yes, I'm fully aware that it is 1:30am..I'm off work tomorrow so leave me alone...

How is it that 1 person could be ALL AT THE SAME TIME:

1. Fat - (With a postage stamp sized ass) from the back, he looks like a large muffin, that belt is tighter than a muthafucka

2. Knock-Kneed

AND

3. Pigeon Toed -I swear his foot makes a 90 degree turn
Here's an inspiration pic I found on the internet.(No, this isn't Belly, but notice the Wide yet Beady eyes we all know and love)






















I always wonder what would happen if he had to say, suddenly take off running.

Oh. The. Comedy.

Another addition to his list of nastiness that should be reported:
I caught him looking at me throughout an entire meeting today. Yechhh!! I kept trying to find ways to not make comments, but he kept 'a starin'......Me and my co-worker always wonder: If you "don't care for larger women", Then why the fuck are you always oggling us??

Piss off jackass!!

Make A Change...PLEASE

Today in the cafeteria, I saw a lady with this EXACT hairdo:

What the hell was she thinking? And it didn't look like the "updated" feather that is half-way cute either. This looked well worn if ya ask me..but ya didn't

She also had an outfit on that was AT LEAST 10 years old..

Is it that hard to change your ways?? I guess I can sort of relate, I had the same braid style for at least 5 years but even I made a change!!

Don't Dish It If You Can't Take It

One day, not long agao, me and my co-worker were talking about a local mall. Belly, as usual, butted in and started to talk abou the Food Court (of course). He was singing the praises of Hovan Roll and how great the rolled sandwiches were. My co-worker had not heard of it before and wanted to know if they had one around here. Belly's fat ass has the NERVE to say:
"Linka72 should know, she would know where to eat"...as if to say that since I'm a so-called "big girl", that I would know the exact location of every sandwich shop in the city...WTF?? My very quiet, very sweet co-worker even jumped in his ass for THAT bullshit statement. Belly tried to "clean it up" by saying he was just joking but soon turned his stupid embarrassed ass around and acted like he was working. He's an admitted fat girl hater...but he's always lookin' at me....asshole

So cut to a couple of weeks later (yesterday). Me and the same co-worker were chit chatting about Quizno's. We were wondering where one was around here..so JUST to be hateful, I blurted out: :Let's ask Belly!! He would know where all the sandwich shops are!!! [Insert cackling co-workers here].
Belly says: Well there one at blah blah blah
Me: Hmm, you sound a little irritated, did I say something to make ya mad? (more cackling and sniggling)
Belly: No, I'm not mad, I was smiling wasn't I?
The funny part was the strained "I'm smiling but I hate you" look that he had on his face..priceless

We all walked off content in the knowledge that he was pissed AND embarassed..haahahahaha being mean is fun.

Speaking of assholes, Belly is such a perv.
I was talking to a caller and she had the unfortunate last name of Beaver..(poor thing). He chimes in with: "It's okay as long as it's not hairy"

......I'll give you a moment to marinate on that stupid shit..............WTF???!!!??? I just looked at his stupid, overgrown, tight shirt, snot whistlin' ass and rolled my eyes.

First of all..shut the hell up Belly...second of all, I always did get a "molester" vibe from him.
I don't know about you guys, but if a man likes a hairless "cooter brown", he's a pervert...think about it..little girls have hairless cooters..why do you want a grown woman to be that way??..ewww

That'll be one more thing to add to my letter to HR.

I Am So Fine

Phrase of The Day:

I Am So Fine

Ok, I know what you're saying: That conceited bitch thinks she's THE SHIT.

Well, you're right. My philosophy is: If YOU don't think you're THE SHIT, then no one else will.

I also think that everybody should have a Theme Song like on Ally McBeal. Mine would be Sista Big Bones by Anthony Hamilton 'cuz I "look like a plate of neckbones"(eww, maybe not)
or maybe Brick House by The Commodores, 'cuz "I'm mighty mighty just lettin' it all hang out"

I'm Calling H.R. On His Fat Ass

Ok, Fat Ass aka Belly sent me and several other female co-workers the following "funny" this afternoon.



My stomach actually lurched but I didn't dignify his stupid ass with a response.

Now don't get me wrong, I like funny commercials as much as the next weirdo, but something about this, coming from him, is just....ewwww..yack..dry heave..NASTY!!

I haven't had the chance to discuss it with the other ladies but they hate as much as I do. What a jackass. Of course if I tell on him and he gets fired, who will I make fun of??

The Chronicles Of Belly

If I can count..(which maybe I can't) THIS MY 100th POST!!! Woo Hoo!!

He is so weird you just have to laugh at him.
We were once again subjected to the tightness of his polo shirt. Even though he's short like a munchkin, He must have to buy his shirts in the Tall section to get them to fit over his stomach. I should ask him where he shops..just for shits and giggles.

He has no clue what he looks like. One day me and my OTHER cube-mates were talking about various bullshit and we got on the subject of bald guys. Belly is one of those bald guys that shaved his head to make it look like it was "his choice" to be bald..we see that shadow of your receding hairline, you're not fooling anyone!! Anyway, I digress. He had the nerve to say "Well at least I'm not one of those guys who's back of their head looks like a pack of hot dogs"...and as he walked away I witnessed a neck and head region that looked like ..yes A PACK OF FUCKING HOT DOGS!!! I should show him a mirror.

He's on some bullshit Low Carb diet (again) where he eats luncheon meat on fake tortilla wraps. The lunch meat comes in this little ziploc lidded container. He leans over the wall and says in his usual high pitched wheeze: "You want this container that my meat was in?" ewww, I wanted to say that I wanted NOTHING to do with anything his "meat" came close to but I politlely said "no".
Belly could've just sat his ass down, BUT NO!!..he had to ask me TWO MORE times and I finally had to tell his ass to throw the damn thing away!

He insisted on talking with his mouth full today, which in most people is tolerable but with him...yack..puke...his mouth makes this thick "mucus", smacking noise that I just can't stomach. I prayed that no one would strike up ANY type of conversation for his whole lunch period..The nausea has made me weak.

But before I go...I found ANOTHER somewhat hateful resemblence that makes me giggle:


HAHAHAHAHAHAHA....Imagine the belly about 4 times bigger..damn, I wish I had PhotoShop here.....Oh, I kill me, and if you knew him, this would kill you too.

Hi..My Name Is: Barbara Vila

Somehow this weekend, my named changed to "Barbara Vila/Black Martha Stewart Girl".

Our Friends moved into a new Townhouse this weekend. It's fabulous but it's on the "fringe of tha hood" if ya know what I mean. Gentrification is alive and well in this city.

I thought they were inviting me over just to "see the new place" but I soon realized that I was called there to be the household handyman. I didn't mind really since I loooove to decorate.

My first order of duty was to install the toilet paper holders, I know what you're thinking: Don't houses usually come with these things?? Well, I guess not..

TOUGH LESSON LEARNED #1: When working in what seemed to be a 1500 degree sweat-shop/powder room, DON'T press really hard on the drill when inserting drywall anchors..they tend to push all the way into the wall leaving a GAPING hole in your friend's brand new drywall causing her to look at you in a not so pleasant way. Luckily I was able to cover it with the circumference (ooh big word) of the paper holder.

TOUGH LESSON LEARNED #2: Men don't listen to reason (aka NOTHING Linka72 suggests)
Safety Glasses?? We don't need no stinkin' Safety Glasses....
The male homeowner decided that white "wooden" blinds would look great in the bedroom, lovely idea IN THEORY, but the actual installation was not fun. I watch enough HGTV to know that when the drill is making a screaming/knocking/grinding sound and smells like burnt metal, it might be a good idea to "back off of it a little".
I suggested that we go to the store and get drill bits to make pilot holes and I got a "whatever" look and was asked what a pilot hole was..Jesus!
So 2 hours and 4 ruined drill bits later..TA DA!! 3 blinds hung!

I'm sure that I will be summoned there again this weekend, matter of fact, she left a pile of things in the corner for me to "get to" next time. Aren't friends great??