Damn You Santa

Guess what I got for Christmas.....

Yep, food poisoning. And it seems like I was the only one who got it..TOH is probably trying to kill me for the insurance money.

Yesterday, since I had the day off, I laid around and ate leftover food from Christmas day..big mistake.
I think it was the cornbread dressing..it seemed a little moist for my taste (probably bacteria masking itself as chicken stock) but my fat ass ate it anyway.
That was at around 12:30 pm...by 3:30 pm, I woke up and was a little delirious but just shook it off and blamed it on hunger.
So then I ate a fajita with fixings from Christmas Eve..with sour cream AND cheese...more mistakes for me, thanks.
It seems that I fell back into another daze of some sort and when TOH came home at 5:00 pm, he said I looked weird and tired.."oh bollocks", I said and claimed that I was just a little confused from sleeping all day. He was hungry so we went to the sports bar down the street and I ate a loaded, greasy baked potato and picked at a cheeseburger..do you see a pattern developing???
I went to bed around 10:00 pm after eating 3 little vanilla sandwich cookies and my stomach hurt a little..I shrugged it off until:

1:30 am: It felt like somebody had kicked me in the ribs..not cute
2:00 am: In tears, begging TOH to wake up and rub my stomach..*insert half ass rubbing here* he's a massage therapist for shit's sake and this is all I get!! I tried to drink some soda and chew a Pepcid..not a good idea..
2:10 am thru 6:30 am: Gas pain, bloating and projectile vomiting (oh, good times) TOH, poor thing, tried to help me but I think I screamed at him to "stop touching me"..."and turn off that DAMN light"..must remember to apologize to him today.

I do my best to avoid vomiting at all costs..hell, I can't even watch it on TV..how am I going to have kids???
So you can imagine my apprehension to even move in the slightest way because that would bring on the sweats and the watery mouth..yeck.

On top of all that, I had to work today..and people will NOT leave me alone..I should have called out sick...maybe tomorrow.

Oh..and I saw Belly in the parking lot today with a fat ass bag of greasiness when I was walking in..I can taste the bile as I type..*passing out*

WTF???? It's Nearly 2008 For God'sSake

I just spoke to a caller that had no idea what the hell was going on...I wonder how she keeps a job.

She had to actually LOOK UP her social security number!!

I asked her to press the ENTER key on the far right hand side of the keyboard (on the keypad). I'm connected to her computer so I can see her screen and I see her mouse moving around near the clock. so I say:
Me: Ma'am, could you please press the right enter key?
Her: I don't see an enter key on the screen
Me: (thinking) WTF???
Me: Ma'am, it's on your keyboard..on the right..it says ENTER
Her: Oh, that thing
Me: Could you please enter the last 5 of your social?
Her: Huh?..wait, I have to look it up
Me: (thinking)..really..WTF??

I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe she was new to this country, but she didn't have an accent....huh?

I once had to explain what the SPACEBAR was to a caller..my hand to God

I Swear...An UPDATE

I am such a fucking shadetree mechanic *wiping sweat from her brow with a greasy rag*

So after three tries with the jumper cables, some really helpful (who knew?) advice and assistance from Meat Hooks and two requests to "please help me push into into/out of the parking space", I FINALLY GOT THE CAR STARTED!!!

I took a look at the manual, figured out the relay fuse box, switched out the fuel pump fuse with a spare and damn if that bitch didn't start purring like a kitten..ok, maybe a kitten with whooping cough, Bronchiectasis and tar covered lungs but a kitten nonetheless.

Maybe I should get a show on DIY or HGTV. I could cover topics such as:

How to start a piece of shit..with no money
What to do if you see smoke billowing from the a/c vents (Hint: roll down windows)
How to change a faulty power window relay (see above..it was a long day)
How to neglect your paint job until the spoiler starts to look like a dried out glazed donut
Let's play the "How did that hole get there?" game
Drag racing to the grocery store..for dummies

My Nielsen ratings will be through the roof I tell ya!!!

I can finally have a happy birthday..I think...oh my Jesus..somebody is walking over here with a balloon bouquet...must.hide.under.desk.....

I Swear....

If just ONE MORE bad thing happens....

Ok, maybe I shouldn't anger the gods by saying that....

Yesterday after I made an appointment for a free consultation with a bankruptcy lawyer, the thought of which is worse than fingernails across a chalkboard, my car decided that it did not want to start...because it is an asshole..and it hates me.

It's my birthday today..35 years old..I'll try to muster up some happiness since my co-workers are having a breakfast in my honor..I'm sure the Ghost Of Belly Past will smell his way over here and inhale all the donuts..since he got promoted he keeps hanging around..yeck..like I need that today.
Let me try to paint a picture of his antics lately:
Let's say Belly's new desk is in..Rhode Island.
The exit door closest to his car is in...New York.
Where we sit is in ...Texas.
Instead of taking the quickest, easiest route, this jackass decides that a daily trip through Texas for shits and giggles..then he makes it extra special by walking around with this sad ass look on his face, souting some shit about how he "misses being over here".....go away already!!

Anyway..I guess I'll try jumper cables today at lunch..fucking great.

Last Night A DJ Saved My Life

Well, not last night exactly....

Like Sofia said from The Color Purple: " I was feelin' mighty low Miss Celie"

Yesterday I was turned down for a debt consolidation loan (for the 3rd time in as many years) from my company's Credit Union...fuckers. It seems that the reason they turned me down was:

Excessive credit obligations in relation to income

Current/past delinquent credit history

Well duh, assholes, that's why I was asking for help!!!!
And to top things off, I received an email notice stating that my wages would be garnished for the next 6 months because of a REALLY old debt to Best Buy that was bought by a scavenger debt collector/"law office". $294 per paycheck.
Great, what next? I figure I'll be homeless by the New Year....ok, that may be a little dramatic, but still....

Well this morning after breaking down whilst brushing my teeth I got in the car to go to the job I'm starting to resent when what do I hear coming out of the speakers???

Proud Mary by Ike and Tina
Oh.My.God......I LOVE this song!!! I'm sure people at the stop light thought I was having a seizure..fuck 'em
Then he played Nutbush City Limits..oh.my.gravy...I love that one even more.

So by now I'm pulling in to the parking lot feeling a whole lot better so when that song ends, I change the station only to hear my NEW favorite song:

Hate On Me by Jill Scott..I actually started to cry..I know, I am such a sap

I love how music can change your whole outlook on things. I'm still between a rock and a sharp, jagged hard place but at least I'm feeling like I can make things better..hopefully without filing for bankruptcy.....

Type 2 Diabetes Can Suck It

I cried in the doctor's office on Monday.....

Why? Because my diabetic condition is getting worse...and because it's my fault....and because it just has this way of being great and on the upswing one year, then totally fucked the next year...and because I'm fucking tired of it...and it didn't help that the doctor was chastising me...I do enough of that to myself.

I ate a tortilla with melted cheese from the microwave at 11:45 am...My doctor's appointment was at 3:45 pm, they tested my blood sugar at a little after 4:00 pm..and my test showed 226!!!! what the fuck???

I know what you're saying, "Well maybe if you would just stop eating carb filled tortillas and shit..blah blah blah
I've been beaten over the head repeatedly with the whole carb thing..I'll admit it, I'm a rebel and I think that eating all that weird Fatkins food is ridiculous....

The doctor upped my dose of glyburide to 20mg a day instead of 10 mg..We'll see if that helps, if it doesn't she said that I would have to be put on insulin..yay..great.

Funny enough, if I want to get pregnant, I'll need to be put on insulin anyway...and I can look forward to a really big baby..woo hoo for me and my vagina.

And another thing..stress can make your blood sugar high..I'm nothing if not stressed..wonderful.

More Cards..sheesh

I begrudgingly made some more...do you ever get to where you actually HATE doing your "craft" ?? I feel like it's a burden sometimes..can ya tell I'm on my period?

I swear, there's some glitter....

Me And My Crafty Ass

Ok, as promised, here are the pics of the cards I made all packaged up for sale to my ungrateful co-workers..
Be nice, I'm a delicate flower ya know...ok, maybe not.

Some of them seem a little blurry..I must have really been smokin' the crack those days.

I cut EVERY damn piece for these two..BY HAND DAMMIT!!
OOOOO Glitter..I just realized that you probably can't see the glitter..crack is whack..Did ya notice, she has a REAL jinglebell on her ass end..dammit, it fell out of place

The Sizzix machine is my new lover..yay mittens I promise, there's glitter on these..somewhere..yep, more cutting by hand here...

At this point, I'm too tired (lazy) to post the inside sentiments of the cards...just call me slack ass.


I also make birthday and thank you cards..when I feel like it...

Leave Me Alone, I'm Crafting!!

So I haven't posted anything in a couple or few days..I'm busy making christmas cards..yes, I'm a crafter and I'm proud of it..sometimes.

I made the mistake of bringing my Sizzix machine in to work..you would have thought I bought a purple, double ended dildo in or something...oh, and Meat Hooks nearly lost his shit when he saw it...."ooooh Linka...what's THAT??"
I noticed yesterday that someone had been touching and moving shit on my desk (yes, I have a knack for that)..It was probably his stupid ass, and yes, I DID wipe the handle down with antibacterial wipes..and acid.

Maybe if I get up the courage, I'll post some pics of my cards..maybe.

Yaayy..Thanksgiving??

I hope everyone had a great holiday..mine, as usual was hectic.

Me, TOH and a gaggle of others (TOH's best friend, his friend's wife(of Cold Stone Nastery fame), their baby, his wife's sister, her two kids and their cousin) headed out to TOH's hometown on Thursday morning..great, a 3 car caravan..in the rain..oh, good times.

It was good to see the in-laws (they soil me and TOH is jealous..ha ha) but I can only stay in the country a couple of days before all that nature starts to get on my nerves..what the fuck could those crickets NEED at this time of night...are those gunshots..again??..WTF??

I knew that we would be doing the whole Black Friday thing again..and this year we had a four-person crew.
Why oh why do I subject myself to this every year you say?...$3.98 crock pots from Wal-Mart, that's why dammit!!
And if that wasn't bad enough, Lowes had bigger, prettier, name brandier ones for $9.99 for shit's sake..somehow we ended buying 5 of those..one of which is to be wrapped up and given to me and my friend's sister for Christmas..my friend wants us to feign surprise and glee when we open them on Christmas day..yes, we're weird like that.
Ok so the list went:
Wal Mart - Which was a surprisingly smooth shopping experience AND checkout was a fucking dream..who knew??
Lowes - Did I mention $9.99 Crock Pots??..oh yeah, I did
Target - Talk about cluster-fuck..we were in line FOREVER..actually we split up into two lines because we figured we had some sort of system..we're dumb though..I got a $6 top and some Carmex..what a waste.
Michael's - Woo Hoo..$5 collage frames, with a 20% coupon!!
Home Depot - My friend's cousin bought a pneumatic nailer and a table saw...looks dangerous but You Go Girl!!
Old Navy - Even though they're bastards for discontinuing the Plus Size stuff in the stores, I found some really cute cords in the Misses section that fit perfectly for $15 a pair..O had to buy them in 3 different colors..Spender's Anonymous here I come...but thank god, we missed the "morning rush" this time. Last year we stood in line for 45 minutes.
Various Stores In Some Rinky Dink Backwoods Mall - I was so delirious from sleep deprivation at this point, I'm not even sure if I bought anything..wait!!
Ashley Stewart - A lot of things in this store look like something out a black gospel church fashion show (feathers and zebra print and such) but I found a rack labeled $5.98..my heart started to beat hard..why am I sweating?? Because I found two "$40" dresses on that rack, that's why!!
Goodwill..two of them - My friend is all about the Goodwill store. I appreciate that they all smell good, unlike most thrift stores that smell like stale ass.
Staples - they can go straight to hell..I've been eyeballing a Panasonic phone system for a year now (our current piece of Motorola bullshit has gone all defective on us..the "on" and several other important buttons no longer function) and good god!! I saw that they had one listed for $50 in their sales flyer! *clutching the pearls* so I nag and complain the whole morning so that my friend will NOT miss this store and when I get there..they only have ONE left..so I take it up to the front to check out and the broad says "That comes to $98.60", uh..como se wha? Then she tries to hand me some "Easy Rebate" card bullshit..I had to catch myself from choking her and cursing loudly and said "what's this?".."Uh, that's how you get it for $50..and it may take 4-5 weeks"..let's just say I needed a "time out" in the car for a while after that...with no phone

Honorable Mentions:
Circuit City and Best Buy - (You've got to be kidding me right?..these hell pits are crowded on a REGULAR day, so we just drove by and pointed and laughed at the dummies camping out)
Linens-N-Things - sigh...I couldn't even afford the bedding when it was on sale for shit's sake..being poor is SO not cute.

I wanted to hit a couple of more stores but at that point, we had been in and out of an over-packed, over-crowded crossover SUV for more than 8 hours and everyone was tired, loopy and hungry. Then we got into a "discussion" about children and parental discipline..I'm sure I would have been better off starting a conversation about the joys of abortion with a pro-lifer.

I could feel a fist fight brewing..time to drive an hour back to my Mother-in-law's house in the backwoods of hell and nap..and eat..and nap again because being a tech support slave, I had to be back to work on Saturday morning..fuckers.

I drove the four hours back home BY MYSELF but not before visiting MIL at the store where she works and racking up on cute stuff..which she paid for "because your birthday is next month", she said (Did I mention that I just LOUURRVE my MIL??) ..TOH stayed behind to visit with his family and they've been mad at him all weekend for letting me go back alone..nanny nanny boo boo, they like ME more than you (sorry, I'm sleepy).

And wouldn't ya know that when I tried to call everyone to tell them that I made it home safely, the aforementioned piece of shit phone seems to have sensed that I was flirting with a new phone and decided to go completely bat shit..now the "2" and "5" buttons must be jammed until your finger breaks..at least I can call 911..oh wait, no I can't because the fucking "On" button won't allow you to!!!..great...happiness.