Man-Candy Of The Week: Haaz Sleiman

So you know I have this obsession with those Dollar movie machine things...

Today I rented The Visitor starring Richard Jenkins..no, he's not the Man-Candy but this guy Haaz Sleiman is....

Mmmmm....Lebanese yumminess....Scars and accents are kinda hot huh?

Office Fridge Cleaning..For Dummies

I swear...some people need to go straight to Hell.

I just came back from "saving" a freezer full of perfectly good frozen dinners from being chucked in the garbage.

In my office, a team from each department is chosen to clean out the 2 refrigerators we have in the break room and every week, like clockwork some incredibly dumb shit happens.

For instance, one week, I brought my lunch and some surprisingly healthy snacks with me in my cute little Company logo-ed insulated lunch bag.

I saw the little "we're about to clean some shit" email but I figured that since my shit was in a lunch tote, it would be safe...Wanna know what I got for figuring??
One of those bitches opened my lunch tote and threw away ALL OF MY SHIT then threw my lunch tote on top of the refrigerator...what.the.fuck?? So me and my diabetic ass had the shakes for the rest of the evening until I scrounged up enough change to buy some $6000 crackers from the vending machine.

Then I wrote a strongly fucking worded email to the management team (who can barely "manage" to pick their own asses) and they wrote back some lame shit about "the rule" blah fuckin' blah.
Yeah, yeah, I know that the standing rule is that "If is is not labeled with your name, it gets thrown away"..I get that but does the term "common fucking sense" ever enter into these peoples minds??

Oh!! AND THEN one day, I bought these little ice cream cups for my team..brand new, expiration date NOT EVEN CLOSE..and those cows threw my shit out..again!!

These idiots even throw away salad dressing and condiments stored in the door compartments...huh?

I truly believe that these people have no other outlet for their hatefulness so they come to work and take it out on us....I once watched as someone threw away an absolutely beautiful crystal bowl because it had some fruit salad in it FROM THE DAY BEFORE!!

I need a vacation...

Next week I plan on stashing a big ole bag of shit (actual feces, thanks) in the back of the fridge and put one of their names on it..yeah, that should do the trick.

Belly...The Sequel

Oh. Shit.

It seems that since Belly has "left the building", his sister has picked up the Corny Torch...fuckin' great.

At least 3 times a day, she waddles over and tells me some dumb ass joke about yer mama..or something equally as stupid.

Oh!! I forgot! At least 5 times a day, she sends me email "forwards" with what she says are HEEELARIOUS "kids say the darndest things" type shit in them....for fucking example:

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.-- Camille, age 10

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?Both don't want any more kids.-- Lori, age 8

A little funny? Perhaps....annoying as shit? Definitely.

*sigh*

And then when she comes over here, I have to keep myself from staring at her enormous pannus..I know, it's mean..but you should see this fucking thing..it's amazing...I always catch my self wondering when was the last time she saw her cooter/pikachu....yeck.

Damn New Year..

I guess it's time to make my resolution(s)..fashionably late, as usual.

hmm..let's see..

1. Be less of a fucking fat ass
2. Stop cursing so fucking much

That pretty much sums it up...

Of course I don't want to be too thin... all I want is a big ass and a flat stomach..I swear if I looked like Beyonce, I'd never "work" another day in my life..2 nights a week, I'd be swingin' on a pole and shaking the aforementioned big ass...my co-workers always give me dirty looks when I say such things but I bet being a part time stripper is FIFTY times better than sitting in a cubicle all week, ten hours a day and saying: Thanks for calling _____how may I help you??...make that FIVE HUNDRED CRISPY SINGLES...times better....

Because It's Christmas Dammit!!!!

I swear, I'm going to get a fucking tattoo that says that...

Well the holidays were really busy..what else is new huh?

My brother the gigolo flew in to harass us and eat every morsel of food in sight..YAY!!

Since I didn't want a repeat of Vomitcon 2008, I mostly sat around and watched my family eat copious amounts of yummy looking food while I cleaned up after them..if I see one more fucking red plastic cup or dirty styrofoam plate, somebody is gonna die.

I managed to make a halfway decent Pineapple Upside Down cake..I think I was drunk because some of the pineapples near the middle are all wonky...

Christmas day, first we went to my cousin's house (She's actually my step-aunt but that sounds stupid) for the annual Christmas brunch..freakin' comedy I tell ya.

The theme this year was "Breakfast Burrito and Yogurt Parfait Bar"...what? she's an amateur event planner.

Then we went to a different cousin's house and ate more food..well, I mostly watched..but I did manage to eat lots of red velvet cake..oh and lemon cake..oh and some cookies..fat ass much?

Here's some pictures from Christmas Day:

Da Bar

Da other Bar

A shameful display of trees, wine and gifts

Me and the Hubby's cars in front of a house we could never afford..yes, we're pimps

Yet another picture in front of a completely different house that we don't own and can't afford.
The car in front is Grandad's..we're in a gang called "People with red cars and some have ridiculously big rims..but we look good when we pull in front of Church and/or the Club"..and sadly in the black community, that's really all that counts.

Yay Vomit!!!

It was my birthday yesterday..the big 36..yay?

From what I hear from my mom, ever since I was born, I have always had some sort of horrible illness on or around my birthday.

And since I'm all for tradition and shit, I decided to start my vomiting on Wednesday...and I just can't stop.

We had a "Food Day" on Wednesday (I'm sure Belly smelled it from 500 miles away) and in the span of 2 hours I ate:

A bowl of oatmeal
A donut
4 huge handfuls of pecan buttery caramel corn (We call it "crack corn" cuz it's just that good)
1 ham and provolone sandwich with pesto on sourdough
1 bowl of broccoli cheese soup, xtra broccoli (the semi-home made version)
1 slice of lemon meringue pie with the meringue scraped off (yeck)
1/2 a bag of goldfish
3 sips of Sprite

By the time I got to the Sprite my stomach was boiling and rightfully so, I guess.

I was sitting in the "mandatory fun" department meeting whose theme was fishing..or some other crap..and my mouth started to water and my forehead was sweating..uh oh.

I excused myself but not before the nosy ass department secretary told me in her "joking" way to sit my ass down..I got past her without flipping her the finger and proceeded to vomit for the next hour..ew.

I somehow got back to my desk and laid my head on the nice cool fake walnut..almost as good as the bathroom floor at home...but not as clean.

I was starting to get all warm and freaked out so I called my co-worker "Sista Don't Play" on her cell phone in the meeting and she then freaked out and brought my equally freaked out manager with her..I felt like such an ass...all I could do was cry when they asked me what was wrong.

"Sista Don't Play" is such a good caretaker. She took me to an empty conference room and tried to make me lay on the table while she made a "bed" out of blankets and 3 ring binders but I thought I'd vomit if I laid down..I really wanted to lay on the floor but she's a germophobe and that just "wadun't happnin".
Then she iced my forehead and neck..god bless that woman.

After about an hour, I felt okay enough to go back to my desk but guess what we noticed...a Subconjunctival hemorrhage..otherwise known as a NASTY RED EYEBALL..great, just fucking great.

For some reason, my dumb ass stayed at work for the rest of the day....then I even went to work the NEXT day, cuz I'm dumb...but I had to wear sunglasses because everytime one of those childing bastards at work saw my eye, they ran around screaing like 4 yr olds..I was even asked by one of them to "not look in their direction for a while"..um, fuck off.
The rest of the idiots decided it would be funny to make comments about my "hollywood" glasses..um, you too can fuck off.

Thursday night, the vomiting started again..woo hoo.

Friday morning I couldn't take it anymore and went to the doctor...sigh, my doctor...she is such a jackass..she mostly chastised my food choices before AND after the first vomit event.."you ate oatmeal the next morning??? OMG!!!"...blah blah blah...
I threatened to yack on her pretty floor so she gave me a Ondansetron pill and told me to let it dissolve on my tongue..QUESTION: Why does a pill that is supposed to suppress nausea may you want to, well, vomit??

Then I gave all the blood and urine I could muster and they ran some tests...

Not Pregnant (whew)
Nothing Viral
Potassium is kinda low
Ketones in urine (uh, I was sick and couln't eat so then I couldn't exactly eat anything..due to the vomiting and all)

They made me stay for another hour while I got a nice IV bag of fluids..of course the nurse tried to kill me..oh the blood..it was like a damn crime scene but I was too weak to complain.

After all that, I'm feeling a little better..I guess...it didn't keep me from going to a party or two on Saturday of course...gotta keep the party goin'

Manwhore

I think my brother is a gigolo.

He's a personal trainer...with big muscles...and long dreadlocks.

He also wears tight shirts...and his client base is 95% female.

Oh, and he always gets "perks" like plane tickets and cash..and free dinners...

Every time we are out in public women AND MEN gawk at him...an 280 year old lady was flirting with him in the grocery store the last time he was here. *yeckkk*

Would it be rude to ask him to send me a couple of dollars when he visits for the holidays??

Maybe so.

Story Virus..It Itches A Little

Ok, so I was tagged by The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch who was tagged by Splotchy who was tagged by..oh I don't damn know..In italics is "the seed" and look what "blooms" in blue (Is it obvious that I used to work for a plant nursery??):

Here's what I would like to do. I want to create a story that branches out in a variety of different, unexpected ways. I don't know how realistic it is, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully, at least one thread of the story can make a decent number of hops before it dies out.If you are one of the carriers of this story virus (i.e. you have been tagged and choose to contribute to it), you will have one responsibility, in addition to contributing your own piece of the story: you will have to tag at least one person that continues your story thread. So, say you tag five people. If four people decide to not participate, it's okay, as long as the fifth one does. And if all five participate, well that's five interesting threads the story spins off into.Not a requirement, but something your readers would appreciate: to help people trace your own particular thread of the narrative, it will be helpful if you include links to the chapters preceding yours.-

The story begins -The bus was more crowded than usual. It was bitterly cold outside, and I hadn't prepared for it. I noticed that a fair number of the riders were dressed curiously. As I glanced around, I stretched my feet and kicked up against a large, heavy cardboard box laying under the seat in front of me. (Splotchy)
I hunched down to see what it was, but as I did, the bus violently veered to left. I was thrown up against a heavyset Asian woman with blond hair. I pardoned myself, but she faced forward with no reply. Just then, a man wearing a jumpsuit of silver and gold stood up at the front of the bus. He was holding a megaphone and a box of graham crackers. He held the megaphone up to his face and began to speak... (Some Guy)
"Yukon Cornelius was the greatest prospector that ever lived!" Waving the box of graham crackers over his head, "And the silver and gold nuggets in this box were mined by him at the North Pole!" It was then I noticed the box under the seat was also filled with graham crackers. Not name-brand ones made by the tree-dwelling elves, but the generic kind that come in white boxes meagerly labeled in big black letters: GRAHAM CRACKERS. Probably made by a guy named Butch who masturbates at lunch and doesn't wash his hands."And I had a whole bunch more right here on this bus until one of you misfits stole it! Gimme back my silver and gold!"As I contemplated the man's sanity the bus stopped at a red light, throwing the woman next to me into a fit of rage. Before I knew what was happening she had tossed me out of her way onto the floor and was lunging for the kook with the microphone. Her wig flew across the aisle as she jumped on the man's back and sunk her toothless gums into his shoulder. The two of them went down like a pine tree headed for a Boy Scout lot.The driver, startled by the commotion, looked up into his overhead mirror, accidentally removing his foot from the brake, and the bus rolled into the busy intersection. (Gwen)
He jammed his foot on the brake as soon as he looked up and saw the traffic coming at his bus from all directions and although he escaped the horrors of causing a multi-car pile up he was only mildly relieved. The driver was far too pissed off with his rowdy passengers to even notice that he had narrowly missed plowing over a woman pushing a baby stroller filled with kittens across the street.It was just as well because had he noticed he might have been very disappointed. The bus driver really hated kittens, but he had bigger matters at hand. He parked the bus and stormed his way back to Yukon Corneilius and the wig-less Asian lady who were currently engaged in what could only be described as a combination of Sumo wrestling and the Foxtrot. (The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch)
And then all of a sudden, Bebe Neuwirth popped up with a video camera and demanded that Wigless Asian and Yukon Cornelius "get down like you did in rehearsal"...*GASP* and then it became sadly evident that this was one of those "Guerilla Porno's" and this was the famous PORN BUS...Oh my! Wigless Asian was toothless for a reason!
Bommm Chicka Wah Wah..
(Linka72)

Slack Ass Bitch Checking In..

It has come to my attention that somebody has not posted since Nov 17th..hmm, who could it be??

Look, I've been umm..busy, yeah that's it..busy.

I've been spending my days (when I'm not working 16 jobs) renting movies from those dollar-a-day machines in the grocery store and Wal Mart..Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants TWO!!..I say that as if I saw Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants ONE...but they didn't have that in the machine at the time...oh and Hellboy 2??..hilarious but not $7.50 a ticket hilarious.

I also got caught up in the whole "decorating for the Holidays" racket and you should see my condo..it's ridiculous I tell ya...I found a 7.5 foot Saratoga Pine for 40 fucking dollars..I almost peed myself from the excitement..tempered by the fact that it doesn't have lights..and I spent two hours fluffing the damn thing but oh well.

But let me tell you..wait until the after Christmas sale at Garden Ridge..momma's got her eye on a 9 footer WITH LIGHTS and REALISTIC BRANCHES...eeeeeeeee!!!

My husband says that I have officially "Lost my shit"...but he said the tree looked nice nonetheless...next thing you know, I'll be wearing a damn Christmas sweater like this:

Or God FORBID..this one:

I have instructed my husband to have me shot at sundown if this happens.

He's Got A Ticket To Ride...

And I don't care....

It seems that Belly has become quite ambitious since he got a promotion. He made a big production out of finally getting a girlfriend and now he's moving in with her...

HUNDREDS OF MILES AWAY!!!!!

Yaaaay thankyousomuchjaaysussourlordandsayvyuh!!!

So on his last day, I watched his big ass wanderin' around the office hugging on people (even though you tell they didn't want to), man giggling and I swear to God, he came up behind the lady across from me and kissed her on her neck while he hugged her FROM BEHIND..you should have seen her face..I nearly pissed myself laughing...and it didn't help that she, being the sweetest person in the world, said: "Ummm, Oh...how sweet of you".

I kept conveniently picking up phone calls so he couldn't molest me but he just kept hovering and pacing..I promise you, he hung around for like 15 minutes!! Then when he got tired of acting like he wasn't waiting for me to get off of the phone, he put his big ass belly up against my cube wall and blew out a hot breathed, high pitched: "Damn guuurl, I'm gonna miss youuuu"...while I was on the fucking phone with a fucking customer.

nice

I had to put my phone on Mute and force out a strained "Oh, me too"...lying is fun.

So the jackass has finally left the building..finally.

But of course you know with Belly, the story doesn't end there....

There I was, this past Sunday morning, cooking bacon..minding my own fucking business when my cell phone rings..who the fuck could it be??

Me: Hello?
Caller: Heeeeey Guurl!! I'm home!! I finally made it!!
Me: Umm...great!! Who's this?

Because at this point, I thought it was my FEMALE co-worker who I have named "Frugal as a Motherfucker But Throws Parties Like a Queen".

But to my chagrin, it was Belly...(he must have smelled the bacon from waaay up there...)

Belly: It's me, Belly..you've forgotten my voice so soon??
Me: Umm..hi
Belly: I was just calling to see if they have started playing musical chairs yet.
Me: Huh?
Belly: Did they move you yet?
(We're getting some new employees on our team and this will be our 6th "desk move" to date)
Me: No..not yet.
Belly: What are you doing right now?
Me: Cooking FOR MY HUSBAND..and watching football.
Belly: Is he a Cowboys fan?
Me:..Uh, I guess.
Belly: Well, I just wanted to let you know that I made it here ok..and all..and uh..My girlfriend says hi.
Girlfriend: Hiiiiiiiiii!!!
(Great, now two fucking weirdos know my number..that poor girl)
Me: Uh, hi...
Belly: Well I guess I'll let you guys get back to your day...[insert weird pause here]
Me: OK..bye...*CLICK*

WTF?? He is so..strange..he used to do the same thing when he was married. He liked to call me while she was sitting beside him and try to talk me to fucking death at weird hours of the day and night.

Note to Belly: We are so NOT cool like dat
Note to self: Get a new cell phone number

And for the comic relief portion of this post, I give you Belly and his Girlfriend